47. Diplomacy for Dummies (Patreon)

"Evelyn, you can't take a Weaver on a diplomatic mission," Priestess Saslitak whines.

I put my hands on my hips, turning to scowl at her.

"Why the heck not?" I ask.

"B-because she's a Weaver, Evelyn," Saslitak explains incredulously.

"Well that doesn't sound like an actual reason to me," I grunt. "What makes a weaver any less suited to diplomacy than all the warriors you want to bring?"

The time has finally come. I have the food production and stockpiles necessary to try and bribe other Sthrenslian clans into friendship. But I've learned from my diplomatic mistakes of the past! I won't repeat the same fuckup as before! Specifically, I won't repeat the fuckup of opening my dumbass mouth and trying to display any form of social competency, and instead have the Resonant Gems do most of the talking for me. I'll just be there to like… validate their otherwise-crazy stories about a friendly visitor from far away who happens to have lots of food, and maybe answer a few questions if I get asked any.

"Bringing Warriors is a show of strength, of competency. Bringing Weavers would be… well, it would be insulting!"

"Okay, well, first of all that's stupid," I say. "And second of all we're still bringing a bunch of warriors, and only one weaver. That's not bad, right?"

"I… suppose? But Evelyn, she is a Weaver, she has her own duties within the clan. Weavers… weave."

I sigh. Saslitak is wonderful and she cares about people very much, but she can be a bit dogmatic. It's not really worth it to argue with her about this, I don't think. But it's… frustrating.

"Weaver Nsreslisa is not only my friend, but she is one of the smartest Sthrenslians I've ever met," I explain firmly. "I'd feel a lot better if I had her help during something this important."

Honestly, I'd like to bring Worker Rshult too, but not really for any reason other than the fact that I like him. Nsreslisa, meanwhile, is politically clever as fuck, and also I can trust her to call me on my shit without hesitation.

"I… we can see if it's possible to find someone to cover her duties?" Saslitak hedges.

"Oh, no need to worry about that," I dismiss. "I can do them. Probably not as well as Nsreslisa, but I can do them."

"Probably not?" Nsreslisa calls from halfway down a different cavern. "Getting arrogant already, are you?"

I yelp with surprise. Damn it, I thought we were talking too quietly for her to hear!

"You thought you were talking too quietly for me to hear, didn't you?" Nsreslisa sighs. "Evelyn, you are embarrassingly bad at that."

"I… blarg!"

"Weaver!" Priestess Saslitak chides. "That is not an appropriate thing to shout at anyone, let alone—"

"I-it's fine!" I blurt hurriedly. "Priestess Saslitak, it's fine. I really value her candidness. I don't like it when people are all quiet and deferential and stuff."

"And isn't it inherently polite to respect someone's wishes, Priestess?" Weaver Nsreslisa coos, her tone exactly innocent enough to not get called out on it.

"I… well, yes, there's certainly wisdom in that," Priestess Saslitak mumbles.

"That being said… Evelyn, didn't I tell you that I wasn't interested in coming on this excursion?" Weaver Nsreslisa grumbles. "I have to take care of Tklikik. I can't believe you've gone this far."

"I'm just scared, okay?" I admit. "We won't be gone that long, and I promise to keep Tklikik out of trouble! But I need your help! You're the only one that… y'know. I need you to make sure I don't mess up!"

…Yeah, somehow, despite my lack of skill at being quiet and my massive blabbermouth, none of the other Resonant Gems have indicated to me that they heard my story. Nsreslisa is the only person that knows, and my anxiety insists that things stay that way.

"Really? You need my help with that?" she asks blandly.

"Yes!" I insist. "Please?"

"You sure?"

"Yes, yes! Please help me, Nsreslisa!"

"Okay," she sighs. "Priestess, Evelyn has informed me that the odd bits of her nature are due to the fact that her entire clan is only a single individual. She's only a single person, despite the fact that she inhabits multiple bodies."

Ahhhh that's not what I meant ahhhhhh! I start making horrified, mute gesticulations in Nsreslisa's general direction.

"...Is this true, Evelyn?" Priestess Saslitak asks. "Oh my goodness, I never even thought…! I'm sorry sorry! I never meant to be rude!"

"It's!? Fine!?" I squeak.

"There. All the help you needed," Nsreslisa grunts. "You're sure are timid for being literally immortal."

"It's! It's a sensitive subject!" I hiss at her.

"Ah, right," Nsreslisa drawls. "Apologies, I didn't mean to insult your longstanding multibody traditions, which you have of course had for a very long time, due to having always been this way. It's definitely much wiser and less silly to continue pretending to be a dozen different identical people with the same name."

I groan, covering my face with embarrassment as I flit left and right through the air.

"Okay, fine, you're right," I grumble. "Thanks for pulling the band-aid off."

"I have no idea what that means," she grunts.

"My point is, this is all the more reason you should be coming with me!"

"I suppose you are socially hopeless," Nsreslisa admits. "But I'm not the only person that's able to help you with that. You'll do fine, Evelyn. Trust Priestess Saslitak and the others."

"Y-you don't have to call me hopeless," I pout.

She sighs, scuttling towards us and scooping me up into a tendril-and-claw hug. I chirp with surprise at first, but I quickly return the gesture, squeezing as much of her as I can with my tiny fairy arms.

"You'll do fine," she promises again. "Evelyn, Priestess Saslitak is correct. It would look like we aren't taking the other clans seriously if a Weaver is sent on a diplomatic mission."

"But… but that's dumb!" I protest. "You'd be a great diplomat!"

"I'm not sure I agree with that," Nsreslisa chuckles. "But either way, the way you think things should be doesn't determine the way things are. Listen to our beloved Priestess, hmm?"

"...Okay," I grumble. "I will."

"Good."

She nuzzles me a little and releases the hug, stepping back.

"You're a good friend, Evelyn, and the savior to our clan," she declares. "The others will be lining up to join us, don't you worry."

"Thanks, Nsreslisa," I sigh.

"You're welcome. Now leave me alone, I have work to do."

I snort and she scuttles off, leaving Saslitak and me alone. Well, as alone as anyone can really be in Sthrenslian caves. Privacy seems like more of a matter of luck to me than anything else. It would be oppressive as fuck to live here without other areas for my bodies to exist alone.

"Okay, okay," I say. "Sorry for being a butt, Saslitak. And for pretending to be more than one person. I just… I'm always really scared it'll freak people out. It freaks me out, honestly."

"I… I understand," Saslitak answers. "Um, but may I ask why you chose to tell… Weaver Nsreslisa?"

Hmm… is there an implied 'instead of me' in that? I hope she doesn't feel bad. The honest reason isn't personal, though.

"Oh, she figured it out on her own and confronted me," I tell her. "I didn't really make the decision at all, haha. One thing just kind of lead to another."

"Oh," Priestess Saslitak says quietly. "I suppose that makes sense. I really never imagined… oh, wait. Does this means I'm friends with all of you, then?"

I grin at her, nodding in confirmation.

"Always have been!" I tell her happily. "Sorry for not telling you the whole story, I was just… really nervous? The last group of Sthrenslians I told didn't take it well at all."

"It's fine, I understand," Saslitak confirms with a bit more certainty. "Would you be opposed to telling the whole story again, though?"

"I mean, I guess the cat's out of the bag anyway," I sigh.

"W-what?"

"Oh, um, sure! I mean yes. I will tell you on the way, sound good?"

"That sounds perfect," Priestess Saslitak agrees. "Does anyone else know?"

"Hsthressis knows," I admit. "Although again, that's less a conscious decision on my part and more that her circumstances are really, really strange. But we'll get to that."

"Are you talking about me?" Hsthressis asks one of the bodies I have near her. "I just heard a squeaky, heavily accented voice say my name."

"Hey, don't talk to me about accents," I grumble at her. "I've heard you practice English."

"Hey, that's not my fault!" she protests. "I literally can't even pronounce all the sounds."

"Then stop trying! Now are you ready to go, or what?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm ready, I'm ready," Hsthressis grumbles, shoving the last of her breakfast down her throat.

Our final diplomatic team is a pretty simple force: Priestess Saslitak, Hsthressis, and a small collection of Warriors. Including, I'm pleased to say, the now-recovered Warrior Katrk! I don't exactly like the idea that most of our diplomatic force is people who are mainly trained to fight, hunt, and kill, but I guess this is the way it is. On my end, I'm bringing a pair of Evelyn Tinkerbell Enhanced as well as a pair of Evelyn Terrestrial, my basic underground set.

There are two other clans we're intending to meet with this trip: the Penitent Burrows, and the Flooded Caverns. Based on the direction, I'm pretty sure the Flooded Caverns clan lives under that first homewyrm I found before I even knew Sthrenslians were people, which means they're closest to my main base. I definitely hope things go well with them. First, though, is the Penitent Burrows clan, since they're closer to the Resonant Gem cave. I tell Saslitak and the Warriors my story on the way there, to… mixed reactions. Nothing outright terrible, though. I suspect it helps that the only people I've killed were True People. After about four hours of walking, we come across some scouts from the Penitent Burrows, who don't seem particularly happy to see us but agree to let us speak with their Chieftain.

Chieftain Lorestra and War Leader Krstl (whose names I'm pretty sure I'll forget even with my super-brainpower) accept us with firm politeness, their modest cave running like a well-oiled machine. The many Sthrenslians here scurry around with military precision, quickly moving from task to task without getting in each other's way in the cramped tunnels. Things seem to be going well enough for a while; the Chieftain and War Leader are kind enough, and Priestess Saslitak handles most of the talking while Hsthressis, the warriors, and I all stay quiet.

But of course, as soon as I am brought into the conversation, things change. At least this time it's not my fault.

"Ah, yes, the Evelyn demons," Chieftain Lorestra muses. "Our allies warned us about them. You bring damnation to your clan by working according to their whims, Priestess."

Oh, you've got to be fucking kidding me.

"You're allied with the True People, then?" Priestess Saslitak asks, doing her best to hide her fury. "They have many selfish reasons to speak ill of my people and my friends. Is it not wise to use your own whiskers to make your conclusions about the people you meet, Chieftain?"

"It is," the chieftain nods. "And I have heard many outlandish claims from the True People. They speak of strange demons that walk through tunnels on the air to avoid Sss's embrace. Mad things that care not for their own lives, that speak our language and spread insanity with their words. Creatures that can corrupt even the dead, turning their victims into slave-like shadows of their living selves."

I glance over at Warrior Katrk as I feel him stiffen underneath me. I've been riding on his back the whole way here, partly because riding on Sthrenslians is adorable and fun but mostly just because he insisted on thanking me somehow. I give him a reassuring pat, hopping that body off his back to stand by Saslitak instead, my mind stirring into overdrive.

"You would be one of those demons then, I take it?" the Chieftain asks me.

"I'm not a demon," I answer firmly. "But I am the one the True People have apparently been slandering, yes."

"So you cannot do these things they claim you're capable of?"

"Well, I can do a lot of things," I answer honestly. "I just don't appreciate being called a demon over them. Did they tell you I can cure most diseases without popmold? Did they tell you how I freely share food with the hungry? Did they tell you how I dig tunnels like your people, but also bring enclosures to the surface, expanding on what you call 'Sss's domain?' I'd be surprised if they did, since they threw me in jail and refused to let me do anything shortly after we met."

"And they were wise to do so," Chieftain Lorestra intones. "We do not need your food, nor your shelter, nor your popmold substitutes. Our clan functions without need of your temptations, and you are unwelcome here."

There's more to the negotiation after that, but none of it goes any better. The Penitent Burrows have enough respect for diplomacy to not try to attack us or force us to do anything, but we're pretty firmly turned away empty-handed, no matter what we tried to offer. It's a complete bust. We spend the rest of the day reaching the Flooded Caverns clan, and that doesn't go great either… for an entirely different reason.

"You are enemies of the True People," their War Leader, Gdrikras, reminds us. "If we become your allies, your enemies become our enemies. And the True People are a far larger clan than either of us. Unless this Clan Evelyn has forces to supply?"

All attention turns to me, causing an instinctive fear to run through me. I quash it before speaking.

"We… are pacifists," I explain. "We don't kill people."

"That's going to make it rather difficult for you to defend us in a war then, isn't it?" War Leader Gdrikras says dryly. "You're asking us to take on your burdens against a clan we have no quarrel with. Worse, you're asking us to lose with you."

"This… isn't an alliance for the sake of fighting a war," I explain. "There won't be a war. We're merely establishing friendly relations. I have much food I can offer, and—"

"Our waters supply all the food we need," their Chieftain butts in. "We wish you good tidings, Resonant Gems, but we will not make our clan a target by dealing with you. The only thing I offer you is wisdom: if you wish to prevent war, you'd best prepare for one."

"What exactly do you mean by that?" Priestess Saslitak asks, bristling under the possible threat.

"It's nothing but friendly advice," the Chieftain continues. "Prepare for war. Because if you're not… I suspect you're the only ones. The True People have made their intentions to the other clans clear."

No, no no no. Shit!

"I… we should return to our clan," Priestess Saslitak says hurriedly.

"You should indeed," the Chieftain of the Flooded Waters agrees. "If Sss truly still walks with you, may He guide your steps."

"...Evelyn?" Saslitak asks, worriedly.

"Yeah, I'm telling the chieftain," I sigh. "We'll get ready."

As soon as I figure out how to pacifistically fight a war, anyway.