21. Powerlessly Humane (Patreon)

I want to be the one and only me, Hsthressis concludes. If that means you keeping my soul, at least in part, so be it. You don’t seem all that bad.

I figured that might be the case, but for some reason I dreaded that answer. Perhaps that isn't fair. I dread every one of the options before me. There is no good way to make up for a murder, even if I can partially undo it.

"Okay," I tell her. "Then things might get a little weird."

Weirder than the timeless void I'm floating in after death, Miss definitely-not-a-god?

I sigh, both internally and externally.

"Honestly? Maybe, yeah. Bye for now, Hsthressis. See you when you hatch."

See me when I what now?

I pause her existence, changing my focus to visualizing and completing her body design. I suppose I will have Evelyn Experimental lay this one, mostly because that body is largest. It should be easier that way.

I move one of my Evelyn Bork bodies to get food, starting a hunt as my other Bork lays down near the rest of myself to defend in case of attack. It's not long before EE starts to swell and I have Hsthressis's egg soon after. Now, I suppose I just need to occupy time until it hatches.

Sustainability. Food. I need to be able to eat if I want to be able to make more bodies. I need more bodies if I want to be able to protect myself. I need to be able to protect myself if I want to explore the world and eventually figure out how to go home.

So. Sustainable food sources means either domesticating and ranching animals or farming plants. The latter is a better choice. Not because I particularly like eating plants, but because I can make my own. I gain nothing from growing and eating animal bodies, but plants, being autotrophic, can continually make more and more food. The main problem with that? Plants tend to do so slowly.

I start thinking about ways to get energy more efficiently. The most obvious problem is probably the fact that there are a massive amount of trees here, and I can eat trees, but I can't do it well. They are too big for me to take out of the ground, so I'm stuck snapping off and munching branches which is frankly not nutritious in the slightest. I need sap, the actual energy stores inside the trunks. I don't know a good way to get it normally, but…

The tiny, heroic Squad Evelyn buzzes around the trees by the river, sampling as many small plants as I can get. I use the brain in Evelyn Experimental to start analyzing it all, rapidly expanding the possibilities available to me. Some of what I thought were plants are in fact fungi, although they seem mostly indistinguishable from the fungi I know of at home. The similarity is just due to the fact that they are decomposers, not autotrophs, and while I'm not sure I can efficiently encroach on their turf, the mycelium structure they possess gives me an idea.

Who says I have to cut down a tree or dig up its roots in order to eat it?

I can create a parasite. I know that sounds bad, but when you think about it it's not like slowly sucking a tree dry is any worse than killing it and then eating it whole all at once. And I know that for real because I ate some of these trees before and they definitely don't have feelings. I double and triple checked and also asked them. I wouldn't do this to an animal, because that would be cruel. Animals have feelings, but trees don't so I can make them as sick as I need to and they won't be hurt in any way that matters. As long as I carefully control the amount of parasitism I'm doing, it shouldn't be an issue… and I can pretty damn carefully control anything that's part of me.

So, I start designing. The structure is pretty simple. I will create a vine that grows up the trunk of the tree and extends filaments into the bark, tapping into their inner resources and slurping them down. Using that pilfered energy, the vines will make nuts… but they will be neutered nuts, not actually capable of growing another vine. They will exclusively be energy sources, which I will probably need to harvest and protect fairly regularly or expect them to get pilfered by other animals.

Of course, that could arguably be another upside. I have pheromones, right? I have been underutilizing them. Why go through all the work of hunting down random critters when I could draw them to me with enticing scents? Of course, I will need to be significantly more comfortable with my capacity to defend myself before sending out an all-call to the forest. There are quite a few things I need to do to improve on that. But first, I finalize and quickly create a dozen seeds for my new parasitic plant prototype, which I will name "Ivylyn."

"Get it, Mr. Mooshi?" I say, giggling to myself. "Ivylyn!"

"Your wit is truly unparalleled when it comes to jokes that only you will enjoy," Mr. Mooshi deadpans.

"Thank you, I think!"

So. Safety. The first thing that comes to mind is how pathetic Squad Evelyn is. What's the point of having a flying squadron if they get ripped apart by birds? I think I need a larger flying body to provide overwatch and protection. Something offensive enough to actually make a difference.

My first priority needs to be ensuring that anything I come across isn't a person. After that, I need to make sure it doesn't hurt me... and if it's not a person, I don't care how I accomplish that. Well, I suppose that's not entirely true, but I have officially reached a point where being afraid of causing environmental damage has dropped well below being afraid of dying. I can do a proper ecological survey when I'm not in mortal peril. So if Acidsucks wants to throw down, I'll throw down Acidsucks style.

The piston fish can suck fluids into an organ in order to expel them at a high velocity. The acid sloths can develop and release a devastating superacid inside their bodies. It doesn't take a genius to make the obvious combination.

I'm going to develop hydraulic acid cannons.

"So much for pacifism," Mr. Mooshi mutters. "That's kind of a big jump, don't you think?"

"It's only for self-defense," I insist. "I can't even use it for hunting, because the acid would ruin the body."

"Not quite what I mean," Mr. Mooshi clarifies. "Weren't you worried about losing your humanity, like... yesterday? Now you want to make a flying defense drone body?"

"Keeping my humanity was kind of a joke from the start, wasn't it? I can't even pretend to be the original Evelyn anymore. I could be a clone, a simulation, a reincarnation, a copy, but I can't actually be... the person I think is me. Right? I'm not stupid. There is no more Evelyn Prime."

"And why does that matter to you? You are always the person you think you are. What you believe yourself to be is part of your reality."

"My reality? There's either reality or there's fantasy. Whatever I believe may affect me, but the real world couldn't care less."

There's a pause as I whip a Bork tongue out to grab a small rodent-like creature and crunch down on it. It tastes all right, although I'm not particularly interested in any of its adaptations.

"Is Hsthressis the original?" Mr. Mooshi asks.

"No," I grunt. "Of course not."

"But you still believe you owe her for the crime you committed, because she is a continuation of Hsthressis's consciousness. That's a contradiction, isn't it? You still believe Hsthressis matters. You still believe she is the same Hsthressis, even if she's not the 'original.' So why do you not allow yourself the same concessions? Besides, you could also be wrong. You should never discount that possibility."

I glower down at him. Stupid smart friend, being all insightful and shit.

"Are you saying I shouldn't make acid cannons?" I ask.

"No, I'm saying that you shouldn't despair. You are still you. Choose whether you make acid cannons or not in that light. What does Evelyn think about acid cannons?"

"Evelyn thinks… a lot of things,” I murmur.

The back of my head is always wondering what sort of body could I evolve to just absolutely crush all of my problems. I have a new design for the Evelyn Tinkerbells that should make them drastically more powerful. I figured out how to make acid cannons ages ago. And when I knew that all those weasels wanted to kill me the first thing that came to mind was how easy it would be to slaughter them if I actually put my back into it. But… I'm just really not cut out for this. I don't fit as this sort of creature. I can't be me and still be the zergling horde. But I still feel myself slipping, and... I'm just not scared of this world anymore. I can be frustrated by it. Annoyed. Certainly very anxious. But looking back at the closest brush to death I've ever had, I can't reasonably believe that I'll die here anymore. Now I'm just scared this place will push me hard enough to make me push back.

“I’m scared that the accidents I made today will turn into the kind of thing I do on purpose."

"It's much easier for a powerless human with no responsibilities to not do any evil, isn't it?" Mr. Mooshi asks, and for a moment I almost feel like I'm talking to a memory.

One of my tongues lashes out, snags one of those terrible bird creatures, and pulls it into my mouth so I can crush its bones. With a satisfying snap, its life ends, and blood starts to run down my chin and throat.

"I didn't mind being a powerless human," I tell him. "But just because I'm not one anymore doesn't mean I'm going to fly off the handle and start being evil. That's not how it works. So… yes. Let's make acid canons. And let's use them for good. I'm not going to be something that people fear. But… I'm not going to be defenseless either."

I let out a huff, sounding much more confident than I feel.

"Being a human is lame anyway. Right, Mr. Mooshi? We are way better off being cool bugs!"

"And plants. And dogs. And whatever EE is."

"Hey, don't make fun of Evelyn Experimental, Mr. Mooshi. I like having a weird, imperfect body, even if I sometimes get urges to eat her and start again."

I pause for a moment, and let my gaze move over to Hsthressis's egg. Her whole existence feels like a waste to that part of me. Thinking about it, isn't it kind of odd that I have such obviously alien urges? If I'm the same sort of thing as Hsthressis is now, why would whatever made me this way have given me these desires? And if these are clearly alien, would it be bad to root around in my own head and turn them off?

Maybe now is not the best time to think about that. Fucking around inside my own brain is to be reserved for moments of emotional stability and executed only after multiple days of deliberation. That seems like the only reasonable way to not go crazy trying.

"I'm not sure if you should be putting a whole lot of hope in not going crazy," Mr. Mooshi comments. "So, what sort of terrible creature are you going to give acid cannons to?"

"Not just a creature," I tell him. "A fortress."

I have been very worried about having safe places to sleep, and that worry has only been compounded by my utter lack of ability to craft myself a shelter. But I don't need to craft anything. I can just grow it!

"It's going to be a giant wooden sphere, basically," I explain to Mr. Mooshi. "We are talking really fucking big. I'll plant it next to the river here, and it should cover from the riverbank all the way over here to the tree line. What would you say that is, like twenty feet? That's enough to be a college dorm room."

"And how exactly are you going to get it to actually grow? You realize that these trees take many many years to get as big as they are, and you want something even bigger."

"Well, obviously I'm going to cheat a bit. My tree is going to have a stomach."

There's no way I can get enough energy stored in the seed or from photosynthesis to have this thing up and ready in any reasonable amount of time. But I think if I mix plant and animal attributes, I can make something impressive. In fact, I could give this big sphere body a sensorium, a brain, and limited musculature to aim and fire the acid canons. Basically, I'm making myself a point defense system that I can live inside.

It’s odd making a completely stationary body. A couple days ago I might have worried about getting bored, but nowadays I spend almost all my time with at least one body not moving at all, using the brainpower for something else instead. I may as well formalize it. I can create versions of myself that are perfectly specialized, and I know how powerful that is.

I make the seed. It's drastically larger than the Ivylyn seeds, big enough to be an egg all on its own, but I want this thing to grow fast so I need to give it a lot of initial power. I dig the hole, drop it in, and set up Fort Mooshi around it.

The sun is setting, and tomorrow I will finish bringing a person back to life. Isn't that something? Really, I don't know how to feel about that. It feels like it should be more. Death is such a big deal to humans, but since I've gotten here I've died four times already, killed four people, and started one resurrection. No one Evelyn should have all that power.

But no matter how big I grow, I've decided to believe for now that I am the one and only Evelyn. I have no evidence to support this, no reason to consider it fact. On the contrary, all the evidence, while circumstantial, seems to indicate the opposite. Are my dreams of home memories? Or are they updates? I can't answer these questions, and at the end of the day it's just more practical to believe in the world that leaves me with the most hope.

The sun sets, but once again my mind decides to wander instead of sleep. Anxieties crawl up the inside of my skulls, wondering and fearing and refusing to go away.

I forcibly shut them off, produce sleeping chemicals in my brains, and pass into rest.