19. Soul of Theseus (Patreon)

I don't understand, I think to myself.

No. No, that's what Hsthressis thinks to me. At me? At herself. She's just thinking, and I know what she's thinking. It's not really at me at all. It's not really not me either.

I can't feel anything. I can't hear anything. Was there a voice? I want to answer it, but I can't talk.

"I can hear you," I say, the very act of it freaks me out. It's not telepathy so much as mind control. I am simply causing her mind to believe I'm saying something, inserting it directly within the false reality I maintain in my imagination which allows her to exist. It's messed up, it's wrong, it terrifies me on an existential level, and it is the only option I really have.

Sss? I… I mean, Hsthressis asks. I remember. There was that stone, and then... are you Him?

Sss is the name of their deity. Not a name I'm in any hurry to claim as my own.

"No," I say firmly. "I'm not a god."

Firmly ignoring, of course, the fact that the simulated universe of my mind is entirely under my control, and for all intents and purposes I have nigh omnipotence over Hsthressis's current existence. Up to the amount of things I can simulate with my brainpower, anyway. She won't be staying this way. I will figure something else out.

Oh. So you're Khlasinas, then. I guess that makes sense. Mother warned me about being an unfaithful daughter.

"I don't know who that is, so I'm not them either."

Except I do kind of know who they are, since the mere act of wondering about it extracts the information from Hsthressis's memory as if it was my own. Khlasinas is their religion's devil figure, basically. Although the parallel isn't exact; Khlasinas is an evil being of equal power to Sss, the other half of a duotheistic religion rather than an explicit inferior in the way that the devil is in Christian theology. But, again, I don't really know much of anything about any other religions so those are the sorts of parallels I draw. After deciding I didn't believe in the things my mother believes in, I didn't really explore religion much further.

Well then who are you, mysterious voice? Why can't I move? Why can't I feel anything?

"Because I killed you," I explain. "I'm sorry."

If I'm dead, how are we talking?

"I am going to find a way to bring you back," I tell her. "It should be possible to revive you, if you want to be alive again."

The disembodied mind tries to laugh.

Are you sure you're not a god?

"I'm sure I don't want to be."

A moment of emotional turmoil follows that, and I try to do my best to not spy on the inner machinations of Hsthressis's thought process before I feel she's ready to communicate on purpose.

If I choose to stay dead, she asks, which afterlife do I get?

That's not really the best question to ask an atheist.

"I don't know for sure," I say honestly, "but I am confident that you would go nowhere at all. You would simply cease to exist."

Oh. Well, better than the bad one I guess.

I swallow, panic starting to spike again. What if she says she wants to stay dead? What do I do then? Do I just stop simulating her and never do it again? She's already dead, so doing nothing makes sense, but whether I simulate her or not she's still in my head. She wouldn't be dead so much as sleeping. In a coma, maybe.

"Y-you're not considering staying dead, are you?" I stutter. Fuck, even in my own mindscape I stutter.

Can you tell me what happened after I died? Hsthressis asks, instead of answering. A twinge of temptation to make her answer pushes through my head for a second, but I crush it.

"The short answer is that your mom declared war on me," I say. "And I lost… an important part of me. One that I can never really get back. But the damage I inflicted was worse. I made a big mistake, and I'm trying to do what I can to fix it."

And you're trying to fix it by reviving the dead. Which makes you… what? Some kind of greater demon trying to trick me? An angel giving me a second chance?

"Neither. I'm just Evelyn."

And what is an Evelyn, exactly?

I almost laugh, but it doesn't feel very funny.

"Asking the big questions, huh?" I say dryly. "I don't really have the slightest idea anymore, Hsthressis. I've never brought anyone back to life before. I would've thought the idea was ridiculous just a little while ago. I think I can do it. It feels like I can do it. But I will have to figure out how, and you will have to take a risk for me. I don't want you to stay dead, but if you don't trust me, I will accept your decision. Just tell me so I can start designing your body if we’re bringing you back."

Wait, wait. You can design my body? As in, change it?

"I guess so? I didn't really think about changing it. It would be simple enough to just give you the same body again, but if you want me to change it I can."

…Really? Well, what sorts of things can you do to it?

"Anything you want, I guess. It's the least I can do for murdering you."

An emotional cacophony tries to leak into me, but I do my best to actively ignore the thoughts that aren't meant for me. Still, I pick up apprehension, embarrassment, fear, discomfort, excitement. A bit of a complicated question is about to be asked of me, I suppose.

Can you... make my claws bigger? Hsthressis asks.

Or not, I guess?

"Easily, yes," I confirm. "Anything else?"

Maybe… a thinner tail?

I send her a mental impression of what her body with the suggested modifications would look like to her echolocation.

"Go ahead and think about any changes you want," I say.

She starts doing just that, and I modify the body accordingly. She's getting increasingly excited about this opportunity, but then I realize I forgot to ask an important question.

"How old are you, Hsthressis?"

What? Um, fourteen molts I guess.

"I don't really know what that means. Are you an adult?"

I'm just a really slow molter! she protests, which I interpret as 'no.' Maybe I shouldn't be letting a child have unrestricted access to the design of her own body, but… it's something I'll just have to live with I guess. Well, something she'll have to live with.

"Make sure to pick carefully," I warn her. "I'm not exactly planning on killing you again, so you'll be stuck with whatever body you choose here."

I want to be stronger! she insists, perhaps not taking my advice as seriously as I'd like. Can you do that?

"Sure," I say. "But the stronger I make you, the more you will need to eat every day."

Ah, don't worry about it. I am the chieftain’s daughter, they’ll figure out how to feed me as much as I want.

"If you told me that a couple days ago I would've been quite jealous. Just don't hurt anyone, okay?"

This coming from the person that killed me?

"…I know it's hypocritical. I just don't want you to make the same mistake. Please? If I bring you back and you turn out to be a bad person I..."

I don't know what I would do. Nothing, maybe? Not because it's not my responsibility but because I probably wouldn't even want to live anymore.

Hey. Hey, I was kidding. Um, it's okay to hunt for food, right? I just wanted to be strong so I could help my clan and stuff.

"Yeah, that's fine. As long as you're not hurting anything else intelligent. Um... You don't know of any other creatures that are sapient, do you? Like something that is smart enough to talk, even if it doesn't speak the same language you do?"

I don't know what sapient means but there's nothing else smart, no. Just Sthrenslians.

"Okay. Okay, that's fine. I hope… I hope I didn't screw everything up with them forever."

Oh. Well… you said my mom declared war on you because I died, right?

"Because I killed you, yes."

Sure, sure. But I mean… I bet she'll call the war off if I'm not dead. So don't worry about it, I guess?

"I murdered you and you just want me to not worry about it. You really don’t care?"

I don't know. It barely feels real to me. But you seem sad, so I just wanted to reassure you I guess? I don't know what you are, really, but if you're actually going to bring me back to life… I don't know. You're weird. You have to be some kind of angel or demon, but you don't act like how either of them act in the stories.

"Well I live on the surface, so apparently that makes me some kind of demon, right?"

Oh, fuck. I mean… yeah? But at least you seem like a nice demon?

I sigh. I don't know why, but for some reason that makes me feel a lot better.

"Thanks, Hsthressis. Are you finished with your body design?"

I guess so, yeah. I… do you think it looks nice? Looks good? Like, I don't know. Handsome?

"Hsthressis, you and I don't even have the same number of limbs, no matter how you count them. I'm really not the person to ask, but I'm sure it looks lovely."

Right. Right, yeah. Well I guess I'm done then. How do we do this?

"Well… I think you don't do anything. As in I think you literally stop doing anything at all. At least for a bit. I don't think I have the cognitive ability to simulate you and your body design the same time."

Uh, what does that mean?

"It means I'm going to have to put you back to sleep while I make your body. And then I'll need to figure out how to put you in it, I guess."

Oh. Well, okay then? What is that going to feel like?

"Putting you in your body or putting you to sleep? Because the former will hopefully just feel like being you. The latter won't feel like anything at all. Goodbye for now, Hsthressis."

Goodbye, I guess.

I cease maintaining the focus necessary for Hsthressis to exist. She pauses, becoming nothing but an updated memory waiting to be accessed. I shudder as more of myself is brought back into awareness. I have cradled the crying Mr. Mooshi all the way back to the river, where he and I are now sitting among a gaggle of his kin, many of them nuzzling him in sympathy. I take a few deep breaths with all my lungs simultaneously, then return to focus.

The task of making the body properly is not a difficult one. I've eaten a Sthrenslian before, and I know how they work. Hsthressis's design alterations are easy to apply and they take minimal thought. Now I just need to add antennae—I will disguise them as an extra set of whiskers, because why not—and then I just replace her reproductive system with my own and bam. Body done.

…Wait.

Why did I add antennae and change the reproductive system? No, no that's wrong. And the digestive system is wrong! No, I just want a normal body! Remove that shit! It's just her. It won't be a part of me. Now I just have to put a perfect copy of her brain back inside, and… no, wait. The simulation fails when I do that. The brain… no. No, I want it to… why isn't this working? Over and over, I try to imagine the creation of a physical brain that matches the pure memory of a brain inside my head, and I fail. Over and over again, I make the effort, but over and over again I find myself with frustratingly imperfect results.

The body, and therefore the brain, are not created fully formed. I have to create the parts once they are imagined, and then they form within the egg before and for a significant time after I lay it. Brains aren't designed to grow into specific configurations; they do not develop with memories preinstalled. That's what I'm trying to make them do, but it's not something I know how to do. The brain of this body will start as an infant's brain, grow rapidly to adulthood, but still be a consious brain long before that point. My brains do not need to go through a learning process because they are linked to my hive mind. My brains can download all of my memories from my other brains, and function more or less independently from that point. But I can't upload Hsthressis's memories into a body unless I give her antennae and make her part of my hive mind.

This is a problem. If it was the only problem, however, then I could probably just do exactly that and then have the antenna dissolve themselves, so that I upload Hsthressis and then separate her from my being. I almost do so before I realize that wouldn't put Hsthressis back in her body at all.

It would put a copy of Hsthressis into her body.

I mean, the current Hsthressis is arguably a copy. But at least she's the only Hsthressis! It's one thing to replace every plank of wood in the ship of Theseus, it's a totally different thing to do that, then build a second identical ship and then tote that as the one and only true ship of Theseus. If I upload Hsthressis into a body, then separate that body from my hive mind, it does not delete my memory of Hsthressis's mind. I then run into a situation where I have two Hsthressis: one inside a body, and the other still inside of me. I can simply not simulate that Hsthressis, but that's basically just putting her in a coma. It doesn't make her less real!

So do I upload Hsthressis into a body, separate her from my hive mind, and then delete my own memories of her mind? That's something I can do, sure. But firstly, that's fucking terrifying, and secondly, that's just taking the Hsthressis that would have been in a coma and murdering her a second time instead! God dammit!

I can return her to life. I truly am that powerful. But in exchange, she has to stay a part of me. One way or another.

Instead of finalizing the body, I start up Hsthressis's simulation again.

"Hey. So. I'm back."

Back? You never left.

"Oh, right. Sorry, I just kind of forgot to simulate the passage of time for you. But I guess if I did that you would just have been alone in a void for a while, so that probably wouldn't have been pleasant. It's actually been… I don't know, probably like half an hour since we last talked?"

What's an hour?

"Nevermind. Look, I'm running into some problems with the whole reviving you thing. So, the reason I can talk to you is… well, okay maybe I should start from the beginning. So after I ate you—"

Wait, you what!? Hold on, hold on. You ate me?

"I know! I know, I'm sorry, okay? I thought you were food. I fucked up."

You thought I was food!?

Oh no. I forgot she didn't know. I can't have her freak out like this, I'm barely holding myself together as is!

"Look, that's not important right now—"

Oh, that's not important right now? Holy shit I thought you dropped the rock on accident or something. You ate me. You actually ate me! Holy shit!

I start shaking. I'm so stupid. I shouldn't have said anything, she's freaking out and now I'm freaking out I'm going to have an anxiety attack. I want to slam my head into a tree, I want to scream, I want to cry and beg for forgiveness, I want to jump into the river and suck down water and hope my death is quick.

"C-calm down, please!" I beg her. "I'm sorry. You're right, I'm a monster, and I'm sorry, but please stop yelling at me. Please."

That's why you have to make me a body. Because I'm in your fucking stomach! I'm not injured, I'm not trapped in a corpse or anything, I'm you!? In your body? That's why I can't see, why I can't feel? Oh Sss. Oh fuck. I—

"Calm down," I repeat, as firmly as I'm physically able.

I'll calm down when I fucking—

I cut the simulation.

My rapid breathing slows into shaky gasps. I didn't kill her again. She's just on pause. Just taking some time to calm down. Right. That's fine. Really, this is the power I should've asked for. The ability to pause conversations whenever I need to. It would be nice to be able to do that without killing my conversation partner first.

"I've in over my head, Mr. Mooshi," I whisper.

"You don't say," he grunts.

"I'm sorry about Evelyn Prime. I couldn't have saved her without hurting them."

"You were saying about being in over your head?" he deflects.

"Right. Yeah. I messed up. I don't know what to do. How do I console someone over the fact that I peeled them apart and dissolved them into nothing?"

"Well, you don't phrase it like that, that's for sure."

I swallow.

"Mr. Mooshi, are you mad at me?" I ask.

"I don't need to be. You're plenty mad at yourself. As you should be, but you need to get yourself together and decide on a course of action."

Of course he's right. I take another deep breath and simulate.

—Get vomited back up so I can claw your chitinous cloaca back to—

"Stop."

She stops, no longer possessing any other choice. I shudder. That wasn't exactly what I meant to do, but I add it to my pile of regrets and push forward.

"Okay. We need to decide what were doing with you if we want to get this done before nightfall."

What's nightf—

"It doesn't matter. I just need your input on a philosophical decision. Your body is gone, but I have your mind. Unfortunately, simply sticking your mind into a new body isn't quite so simple. We have a bunch of options, and I don't like any of them, but ultimately it should be your choice."

Okay. Well, you're the one holding my soul, so it's not like I'm not going to listen to you.

I note that in the Sthrenslian language, 'mind' and 'soul' are basically the same word, just with slightly different connotations. They are often used interchangeably, which I suppose speaks to their beliefs on how the universe works.

"Right. So, after I... did what I did, your soul kind of became part of me."

You ate my soul.

I wince, but send an affirmation.

"For the purposes of your understanding, basically yes. Now the problem is that I can't move your soul out of me into the new body. I can either link the new body to mine, so that your soul pilots it as its own but you remain in many ways part of me. I… honestly don't know what all the consequences of that will be. I don't know how well it will work and I don't know how much we'll... I don't know. Interfere with each other?"

Yeah, that sounds pretty awful. No offense. What are the other options?

"Well, that's the thing. The other two options involve making a copy of your soul and putting that in the body instead."

Um. Pardon?

"Yeah, it's as weird as it sounds. Basically, you will, in every way that you can possibly understand, be reborn in that new body. But a second you will also still be inside me, still bodiless. I can pause this second Hsthressis so that she perceives nothing. I can also destroy the second Hsthressis, and kill her again. But… I don't want to do that."

I don't understand. Two Hsthressis? You can't just clone a soul.

"It's not really a soul," I say. "If you have a soul at all, I don't know what happens to it no matter what we do, and I don't know where it is now. What I have is a copy of your brain."

I don't know what that is.

"It's the organ in your body that does all the thinking for you. It's a physical representation of your mind. But… I can't explain how it all works to you, we don't have the time and you don't have the educational background. Tell me your thoughts on these options."

Okay, sorry.

And so Hsthressis makes the decision that will define her for the rest of her life.

That is, if such a phrase even applies to her, anymore.