12. Aftermath (Patreon)

Ugh... what's going on?  Where am I?  Oh yeah, I’m in bed.  Nice and warm.  Actually, it's kind of cold.  Where are my blankets?  What time is it?  Oh shit, what time is it!? Damnit, I was up too late last night playing with Blubie and I slept through my alarm!  I can't miss ANOTHER day of class!  I burst out of bed and sprint all the way there.  Geez, why is it so cold?  I slink into class, entering my seat quietly, hoping nobody notices me.  Nobody seems to look at me, but they're all judging me anyway.  The teacher is talking about something, probably.  I don't have any pants on.

Unease, slowly mounting to fear.  That's what I’m feeling, largely because it's the ONLY thing I’m feeling.  No sound.  No touch.  Nothing, so far as I can tell, but an infinite void in all directions.  I don't even feel my own body.  I have nothing to do but think.  What should I make myself think about?  What do I need? I’m hungry.  I want to think about food.

I’m flying, high above the trees, the wind soaring past me.  Ah, what a beautiful feeling!  The wind in my hair and the sun on my wings.  I’m a magical faerie, a mighty dragonfly, a free woman, anything I want to be.  Because I’m flying, and I can go anywhere I like.  My wings buzz, cutting the air and pushing me up, left, right, upside-down and any way I could want or imagine.  I’m free.  My work has paid off.  Finally, I can fly.

I try my best to pull the bottom of my shirt down and cover up my nakedness. For some reason, I decide to start thinking about many kinds of food, and where to find them. I understand the problems I was having before. It's a good thing nobody saw me come in, even though everyone did.  Roots and tubers are good, but they are difficult to find.   My wings are designed to attach closer to my body's center of mass, but that's not how my human shape works. Sitting right in front of me is that hot guy whose name I don't know yet. By searching shallow soil near the surface, I can find them, but sometimes I just don't.  My wings attach to my upper back, like the faeries from my childhood had. He turns around and looks at me with a grin, smiling in that way that normally makes me all aflutter, but in this context is just horribly, horribly embarrassing. Worms are plentiful and nutritious.  They fly upright, legs dangling down, wings moving them like a hummingbird. He gets up and walks over to me, even though it's in the middle of class. All the best and largest food is found by hunting. Yet my wings don't work that way; my wings are designed for a horizontal flight style.  "Eat me," he says. Unfortunately, I am not any good at hunting, though I wish I was. But a woman's body has a low center of mass, so my wings are trying to hold up a big, dangling weight they're not designed for.

Eat I To him? prefer fly What? finding with Why and my would eating current I little body, do animals, I’ll that? or need Because plants. to you're Hunting compensate a may for monster, be the he more awkward says. rewarding, center You and of want more mass. to. able When Don't to I you feed create want more lift, to people, it know but flips what I me a can backwards human feed instead tastes myself of like? so lifting Don't at me you least up. want I’m I to not need know a to how burden. focus a I’m on human not thrust works? sure and You why allow were I’m my human thinking wing once. about shape Aren't any to you of supply curious? this. lift.

yioesfahchooiuuglrudsebeseasmmioomrraeeyfoaopsctwuiesmlealdliossnotwlahubythiiicomaninwn'ottuhfleedcebhleeatsnotynitotht'iulnslgebwmehyeeharusemiiaesnrmoiyifbdhobedodydo?yeiasitnma'mltelsdititraiutsgehglolyresretivobeplrtyyhioinnneekfeiflnisgceaiibenoncutltfatoshrsamstytwoahbrajeteswcaattsimiveteihsnirhnrokerifrniognraeibrsoehuvotiu?slnedoaptnrhdoirbneagibatlteyarklailtlieltct'ohsnetsmiutmmoeeott,ohsseotmtoahpsetsrhaeinandrkteirnny'gatagalanliytnwowigitetnthehbsee—

I wake up screaming. I wake up petrified. I wake up confused. Hunger assaults all three of my selves with equal intensity, drawing a connection between my disparate emotions. Dawn has yet to rise, the world outside my cave still dark. Yet I doubt I'm going to be getting any more sleep, especially considering that I'm still screaming.

Mr. Mooshi waddles over to Evelyn Prime, nuzzling the version of myself most engrossed in the mindless panic of post-nightmare waking. He nuzzles me with the front of his shell, prehensile food-grabbers soothingly caressing my shoulder. He really is just like a big dumb alien dog. A Xenomorph's best friend. I chuckle a little.

"Thanks, Mr. Mooshi," I whisper, patting him. "I'm all right now."

"No, you're not." I try to use his Eeyore voice with Evelyn Tinkerbell and it comes out all squeaky. Oh well.

"You're right, Mr. Mooshi. But… I'm not screaming anymore, so that's pretty good, right?"

"It is good," Mr. Mooshi responds in his proper voice. "You were probably attracting something nasty. It would be a shame if we lived through all that just to die because of a nightmare."

And what a nightmare it was. I can barely remember it now, which all things considered I'm quite thankful for. I think I was dreaming three things at once, but the longer it went on the more muddled and jumbled they all became until it was an incomprehensible dream mush. I really hope that doesn't keep happening. I have a massive headache.

…Although that might just be dehydration. I never got to drink anything yesterday. EP's ankle is still a complete mess, and agonizingly painful as long as I let it be. My stick and grass splint broke during the night as well. I remake it as best as I can, then eat most of my stockpile.

With EE, I crawl over towards the cave exit. This body is sore pretty much everywhere, but at least it's still in working condition. Walking around at night is most likely a profoundly stupid idea—I'm pretty sure acid sloths don't even have eyes, and the bug weasels definitely don't, so I would be the only one affected by the darkness—but I'm in such a terrible situation that I might not have a choice. Waiting in the cave is just a slower death, so I very carefully crest the mouth of it to see how much I can see at night.

The answer is ‘not much,’ but what little I do see is beautiful. Lights, flickering on and off in a nebula of colors, fluttering through the air. Fireflies. Dozens and dozens of them, heading west. They're beautiful.

Quietly, I laugh. Fireflies, of all things. They're the first bug I ever caught. I mean, why wouldn't they be? Every toddler wants to catch fireflies. Most adults want to catch fireflies for that matter, but I could never get enough of them. How did they glow? How did they fly? Where did they come from? Where were they during the day? I wanted to know everything about them and their cute little butts and wiggly legs and pudgy faces.

These… things, these aliens, they are not fireflies. Not technically. But looking at them flicker, I still feel that spark of wonder and joy I've had since I was two years old. That desire to catch and admire them… that's me, that's purely and completely Evelyn. Sure, now I want to eat them too, but…

This is still me. I have to believe that. And watching this, at least for now, I can.

Screw those stupid weasels, I need this. I need to go out and just be myself for a while. No matter how thirsty or sore or inefficient or what have you, this is my moment. How could I possibly not take this? EE and ETB head out together, my tiny self on EE’s shoulder. I recall, one of my dreams was about flying, I think. I don't… quite remember everything. I remember chastising myself, being frustrated with my poor performance and properly simulating correct body movement in my head... along with some other stuff, I think.

Maybe that was just a dream, like any other. But I'm weird enough that maybe, just maybe, that was real. So let's see how that dream holds up. Kicking off my own shoulder, I thrum my wings, boosting myself forward. I feel the kick, the imbalance I was struggling with all day yesterday. I compensate immediately, and I… remain airborne.

I hover there for a moment, smiles very slowly creeping up three sets of lips. Up, down, left, right… I zip around the mouth of the cave, wings responding to my will.  I'm doing it. I'm doing it! I'm flying!

Laughing, both because I want to and because I couldn't help myself if I tried, I rush out of the cave and into the swarm of fireflies. While my grounded body grabs them slowly and carefully, trained by practiced movements and years of experience, my airborne self is death on wings. My needle-like claws and vastly superior mobility carve the sky clean of beautiful, glowing bugs.  By the time the swarm clears, I have assembled a sizable pile almost resembling a legitimate meal for all three of my bodies. Almost.

I bite into them immediately, of course, and enjoy the feeling of learning bioluminescence.

Munching on bugs like popcorn, I massage my sore self and do my best to think about yesterday without wasting any more water from my eyes. I'm not sure what to do. I suppose, as soon as it's light out, I need to take Mr. Mooshi and all my selves and head to the river. I lost the bowl I was using for water when I sprinted back to try and save myself, so to give all of my bodies a drink I'll need to take them all to the river. Besides, splitting up didn't work well for me last time.

"I'm scared, Mr. Mooshi," I confess. "Not just of all the evil acid monsters on this stupid planet. Although I'm definitely scared of those. I'm scared of me. I'm scared of losing me. The epiphany I had yesterday… it's too much. I don't know what to do with any of it."

"Then don't do anything with it," Mr. Mooshi answers.

I blink.

"What?" I ask him.

"Well, you're scared of what will happen if you change yourself like that, right?" Mr. Mooshi asks. "You don't know the right way to use something dangerous and powerful. So don't use it. Who says you have to?"

Huh.  That's… a good point.  Is it really that simple though?  I'm not so sure.  Still... it's a plan for now.

"Thanks, Mr. Mooshi."

He doesn't answer this time, since he hasn’t actually been answering at all. I think it's important to keep reminding myself of that. At some point, there’s a good chance I’ll forget. Which is why as soon as I can, I'm going to go east. I have to go east. Surely, surely, there are actual people making that glow. I never thought someone as anxious as I am would so desperately be looking for someone to talk to, but here I am.

Wherever this is.

Eventually, dawn breaks, sending the sky from a gorgeous array of stars to a beautiful painting drawn by a single star, the sunrise comparably gorgeous to the ones I know from back home. I'm not sure what that means, really. Maybe the atmosphere here is comparable? It's not like they're exactly the same, but sunrises are often quite different from each other. I have seen many, and the things that make this sunrise stand out are the sea of blood red trees between the horizon and I more so than any part of the sunrise itself. I secure EP onto Mr. Mooshi's back as best I can, since that body can't walk, and together the four of us move out.

A now-deeply-rooted terror grips me as we walk down the hill, but no underground acidic horrors strike at us as we leave.  For now, things seem safe. Yet I know my home is always a threat now.  I will have to deal with the triloweasels at some point, and the sooner the better.  That cave is the closest thing I have to a home, after all.  I was born there.  Three times!

The trip to the river is agonizingly slow with how I feel myself screaming for moisture, but I don't really have a choice. Mr. Mooshi is the only one strong enough to carry EP all the way there. So I take it slow and safe, avoiding sounds and sloths, before eventually making it to the river. Extra careful to keep a lookout for eels, I drag myselves over and finally get a good drink. As I munch on the plentiful morning bugs and think about what I want to do with the day, a fish jumps out of the water and nearly snaps me up.  Not a giant fish, to be clear; it's ETB that's almost devoured. But that reminds me: I built EE out of parts from the whip eel. Could she catch me some fish?

I buzz around at a safe altitude, doing my damnedest to ensure that nothing dangerous is nearby in the river before deciding fuck it and taking a running jump.

"Cannonball!"

Ker-sploosh! Frigid water washes over me—over two of me, in fact, as I also managed to soak EP and Mr. Mooshi, eliciting a yelp of surprise from myself. Even Mr. Mooshi seems slightly perturbed, taking a few incredulous steps backwards.

My butt promptly bonks against the bottom of the river. The current is moving at a noticeable clip, but not so much that I can't sink myself down and blend in with the silt at the bottom. Evelyn Experimental's body may not have fully formed chitin, and she's certainly not as large as I expect she will grow to be, but between her camouflage, tentacles, claws, and incredible lung capacity, I hope I can figure out how to actually catch myself a damn fish.

Unfortunately, I have no idea what I'm doing. This is the first time I've ever even swum with my weird water ambush body that I thought up for fun and then accidentally gave birth to and wow that sure is a sentence I just thought. I guess I have no choice but to just figure it out.

My eyes are open underwater, which isn't a problem at all thanks to the whip eel's visual structureI  modded over my own. I also don't feel any desire to breathe yet, so that's working. The water is cold, but kind of relaxing. I guess I'll just… hang out down here until a fish comes by.

I catch some more bugs with ETB in the meantime. This is actually pretty fun. Really fun, even. It's like, my favorite activity as a human combined with my favorite part of being a scary alien monster. We're talking chocolate fondue and raspberry cheesecake fun. Day at the beach plus day at the theme park fun! I get to fly, catch bugs, and eat them so I don't starve! I do have to be careful of robber flies, however. They’re as big as I am, being a tiny fairy and all, and ETB is pretty much a substantially less effective (if much cuter) copy of them. They would probably beat the crap out of me if I tried to catch one with this body, but thankfully they don't seem interested in hunting me. They prefer smaller prey.

I don't have anything to do with EP, but that's fine. My original body still has a horrifyingly fucked-up shattered ankle, so it's not super fun putting much mental effort into paying attention to that aspect of myself. Though on the subject of paying attention, I suppose one of my bodies should actually be doing that, keeping an eye out for dangers and the like. Today will hopefully be a relaxing day by the river, far away from any scary dinosaurs or whatever the hell traps scary dinosaurs, and certainly far away from any exoskeletal space weasels. The whip eel scared the crap out of me the first time around, but with EE underwater I shouldn't have the slightest bit of trouble spotting one nearby. That is what makes humans winners, after all: learning from our mistakes. Damn, though, it really is a nice day today. I hope it wi—FISH!

Without even thinking about it, I shoot my arms outward to make a grab at a fish as it passes over me. My claws scratch at its scales, but it gets away. Damn. It looked pretty tasty. Kinda weird, too, but everything here looks weird. And no matter how odd it was, just a quick look at it was enough to get me salivating underwater. How best to catch one… I suppose I should actually use the tentacles I installed for this purpose, for starters. I sort of forgot about them again.

I surface, sucking in a new breath of air and reaching up to collect some bugs that I'm handing off to myself. I tried to fish with a stick before, which didn't work because I didn't have a hook. Now, I am the hook. I sink back down to the riverbed and turn around, feet facing upstream. It's much easier to look down than it is to crane my head back, and the last fish came from up the river. My plan is pretty simple: use a bug to get the fish close, and then grab them. My tentacles are wiggly and brown enough to maybe just seem like a soggy piece of wood, and by holding a bug in one I bet I can make a pretty enticing trap. With my buggy bounty between my fingers, I wait.

It's pretty boring, and my tentacle quickly gets tired, but the simple joy of simultaneously being a bug-catching fairy is enough to pass the time. Mr. Mooshi is more than content to chew on riverside plants, and every once in a while another Mooshian trundles by to give me a sniff before returning to their business. I pet them whenever they get close enough, and none of them seem to mind. It's wonderful.

Eventually, a fish wanders by. A weird alien fish. It's very… cylindrical. A normal fish has a small face, a fat belly, in detail that tapers thinner and thinner at the end, right? Well, this thing has the face, but after that it just stays fat, like a big chubby barrel with no tail. How does it move without a tail? I legitimately can't tell how it swims, but I suppose that's a question that’s better answered once it’s inside my mouth.

It sees the bait. It wanders close, carefully. Nibble. Nibble…

In a flash, I reach out for it, but it's just as fast. I barely miss, and it scurries off downriver. It would seem that fishing is something of a patient sport. Two more fish escape my clutches, but on the fourth attempt my tendrils wrap around my target and my claws sink into its flesh. The fat, tubular animal thrashes like crazy but I get both of my hands sunk into it and hold fast until its struggles cease.

I exit the water and prepare to dig into this brand-new species, doing my absolute best to not think about how desperately I'm looking forward to it.

I bite down, and my other bodies look away.