9. No Being Evil (Patreon)

Well. That happened. Nothing remains of the creature I smashed with a rock. I have to give myself this: if nothing else, my body is not wasteful.

I dismount the best of all Mooshis and walk over to myself. I've got a lot going through my head right now. I still feel like me, mostly. But I am more than me. I'm thinking in parallel, more rapidly and more convolutedly than I ever have before. My ADHD is normally pretty bad, but this is getting ridiculous. I need to slow down for a moment, and find a way to get my conscious mind up to speed with my raging, hyper-multitasking subconscious.

So, I return to an old standby. I start talking to myself.

"I am a monster," I begin. But… no. That's not really right.

"I am afraid I'm a monster," I correct, "or that I will become one."

"Yeah."

"Because being a monster is not really about what I am, it's about what I do."

"Yep. Like Beauty and the Beast."

"Or I guess Beauty is the Beast?"

"Heh. Yeah. Like that."

I stand there in silence for a while, Mr. Mooshi's chewing the only noise on the wind. Fuck, I look so weird. It's like my head has been grafted onto some supermodel's body, dressed in bug parts. It would be hot if it wasn't so personally distressing. Who thought this was a good idea?

"So… what is and isn't okay, then? What are our rules? Er, I mean, my rules."

"Well, no eating people. That's a duh."

"Yeah."

"What about… eating more than we need to survive?"

"It sounds good, but I don't know how to even define that. There's a monster here that can burn a hole clear through my body by drooling. Who knows what other things might be even worse? Gaining more advantages might be necessary to save me from something I don't even know about."

"…Fair. But let's be real here, on the Zerg scale we are one hundred percent StarCraft and zero percent Toy Story."

"The Toy Story guy is named Zurg. With a ‘U’"

"Okay, but you get my point, right? If we err on the side of eating more than we have to, we might be literally apocalyptic."

"I don't know, if I was really a threat to the planet rather than the reverse, this would probably be a much easier conversation. Our only goals right now are to find someone to talk to before we go mad, and to not die in the process. I think maybe we should worry about the apocalypse stuff in the abstract, but until I am anything more than two naked hobos in a cave we're probably safe to table that for future Evelyn."

"Valid."

"But no eating people! That is rule one."

"Duh."

"And no hunting things to extinction! If I'm really out for self-preservation I should be eating one creature of each species and not more!"

"It's not like I could hunt something to extinction without laying a lot more eggs anyway."

That quickly shuts both of me up. I don't want to make any more of me, because that sounds fucking terrifying. But also... I do. Holy hell, I do. As my dad always used to say when he dragged me to help with chores, "many hands make light work." The more of me there are, the easier everything will become, especially since I can just eat trees! There's no way I'll run out of trees, my food problems are plenty set. It would be absurdly useful, and the only real downside is... well, the awkward process. And, of course, potentially detaching myself from humanity that much more.

…Whatever. Now is not the time to think of this. The triloweasel wasn't enough food to get EE growing to full height, let alone make another one. It’s a moot point if I haven’t actually eaten enough trees to do anything with them.  I start by making more holes, pulling up saplings within them. If all triloweasels are as curious as the first one, that'll be some good eats. If not, well, at least I’ll have a pit trap out of it. The manual labor also helps me think, giving my bodies something to do that distracts me from the fact that there are two of them in the first place. I gather more plant matter as I dig it up, stockpiling food because it is the sensible thing to do. I try to keep my holes away from large patches of grass, however, because Mr. Mooshi likes to eat those and he is the most important one.

Still, getting food is sensible and simple enough. I can eat sticks? Great, I'll collect sticks. I keep them inside the cave where they will dry and not rot… although, I could probably eat the mold just fine if it comes to that. I'd just rather not.

I start running into two problems, though: the first is that I’m munching on sticks as I work, and the more I do so the more aware I become of how genuinely terrible of a source of nutrition they are. I can eat trees, yes. But I should definitely be supplementing this diet with other stuff.

The other problem is that the bigger a food stash I collect, the bigger an urge I have to just eat all of it. Because let's face it, thinking up custom bodies is really fun and getting to be them is crazy exciting. Yeah, sure, there's all sorts of weird freaky bad stuff, so much so that I'm kind of losing my mind. But the pressure is there. The temptation is ever-present. I know I should resist it, I know I should think of anything else. But I have always struggled with maintaining focus on the things I know I should be focusing on, and this is no exception. I'm hungry, I'm terrified of being constantly in danger, and I am equipped to fix both of those problems at nothing but the low, low cost of my already wavering sanity. And so, while I work, I find my thoughts drifting off to what sort of thing I will try making next.

I want to make a scout. I want to see more of this planet and I want to be able to prepare myself for it before it becomes a danger to me. I want to find more food, and I want to find somewhere I can live without constant loneliness and fear. I have to believe a place like that exists.

So, first things first, I should decide on the body's size and shape. While it would be simple and easy to simply create a clone of one of the many creatures in my memory, I don't need to and it would be kind of boring anyway. I have an insane amount of biological knowledge at my disposal. I can apply cosmetic tweaks and changes to any of the forms I know at my leisure. I can move the position of limbs, sensory organs, and the like to different places on the body with but a whim. What I probably can't do, though, is add more limbs.  At least not yet; I barely know what I'm doing. I'm sure I don't need more than six limbs for anything anyway. So, for a shape, I feel like I don't have any real need to make the body look like anything other than me. I'm sure I could create some inhuman abomination, but that kind of feeds directly into one of my major fears so I think I'm just going to not.

As for size, that's also an easy question. This new body is going to be absolutely fucking tiny. Way less food consumption, way less on hinging of the pelvis, and most importantly of all...

WINGS!

Wings, wings, wings, wings, wings! I mean come on, how the hell could I possibly not make flying bug Evelyn? Self-propelled flight is pretty much everybody's dream, and I am no exception! This is going to be awesome! I just need to finagle out a way to form it all. Just make a tiny me, slaps some extra back muscles here and here... hmm, no, that's way too heavy. I can't just scale down my bones either, they'd be brittle toothpicks. Yet without bones, my standard musculature won't work. Okay, so instead of scaling down my normal body, I will modify one of this planet's insect bodies into something shaped like me. I'll adopt the pneumatic musculature and wings of the spear fly, with a mix of that cool flexible exoskeleton the triloweasels have and the more rigid standard exoskeleton to make the body work. Then I just shape it so it looks like me. What else? I need to save on energy consumption wherever I can, because the body won't be able to hold much energy in storage. My pheromones don't cost much energy at all relative to my big body, but they’re taking up significant space on tiny me. I can axe them. I also supplement a lot of energy loss with photosynthesis. Not enough to negate my need to eat, but every bit helps. With red wings, I should hopefully also camouflage well in the trees. Plus, I’m going to get plenty of sun flying above the trees with my awesome bug wings!

Yup, this is a pretty darn cool design. Now I just need enough food to—wait no I feel funny I should sit down. I guess since this body is tiny, it doesn't take much food or time to make. EP returns to the cave and I do my business, creating a single tiny egg.  D'aww.

Well, now I suppose I just need to wait. Since I have all these sticks and plants and stuff, I figure I should probably advance my tech tree past literal cavemen. I should probably learn how to make fire. Downside: I don't have more than a really vague idea on how the hell to make fire.

I know the basic principle. Friction creates heat. With enough friction, you can literally set sticks on fire by rubbing them together. There's also something called flint that can make sparks when you strike it against… I don't know, a rock or something I think? But I don't have any of that, so friction it is.

Okay, I think I've seen a video about this once. Or maybe a cartoon of it? No, wait, let's back up and think fire safety. The absolute last thing I want to be doing is setting my hill on fire. So I need to make my fire inside the cave, close enough to the mouth that I don't suffocate myself but not so close to the mouth that the fire could reasonably escape. Then I get a bunch of sticks together, along with some dry leaves and grass and stuff... although, I don't really have those things. The ground here isn't super dry, so it probably rains with a decent frequency. But that's okay, I think! Nothing is soggy, either, it's just not dry and brittle. Maybe it will still work?

Yeah, no. Moisture level notwithstanding, I barely have any idea what I'm supposed to do here. Take stick between hands and move hands back and forth really fast so the stick spins against another stick?  I think that's the basic principle, and I feel it working. I spend a fucking hour spinning this damn thing (thank fuck chitin can’t get blisters) and it does get pretty darn warm but I don't get a single flame. So I try new stuff, different sticks, different possible kindling, different spinning techniques... but I don't know, I guess I'm stupider than a caveman.  Or maybe this is actually way harder than it looks. I've decided I'm going to believe that second one, regardless of whether or not it's true.

…Woah.

I feel it, suddenly. A third existence in my mind. Three brains, three sets of eyes, three different perspectives, three parallel lines of thought. I crack the egg for my smaller self, stepping out into the open air for the first and also technically fourth time. I look up at myself, a terrifying giant of unfathomable proportions. I looked down at myself, an adorable leaf fairy, spreading her soggy wings to catch the afternoon breeze.

"This is so awesome," I whisper.

"It's kind of—pfft!"

I start to respond to myself with my itty-bitty body but immediately double over with uproarious laughter. My tiny voice is barely above a whisper in volume, but it sounds like I guzzled an entire balloon stand's worth of helium. I just can't keep a straight face when I listen to it. Oh my god.

"Huh-huh!" I squeak. "I'm Mickey Mouse!"

I crack up again. It's so dumb it's perfect. Holy shit. This must be why Tinkerbell never talked, Peter Pan would have laughed at her until the end of time.

"That's your name now," I inform my tiny body. "You are Evelyn Tinkerbell, ETB for short."

I play with my stupid voice for a while as I dry my new body off in the sun, feeding myself twigs and bugs as I sit on my own shoulder. I want to fly, I'm itching for it, dying for it, but I have to wait for my wings to dry off. They're just too heavy. Plus, it's getting late, and the sun will be down soon. This isn't like Earth where there's light everywhere, even at night time. I will basically be blind, and flying blind sounds incredibly stupid.

Tomorrow, though. Tomorrow I'm going to fly. I'm going to fly all the way to that glowing mystery in the East, I'm going to find people there to make friends with, and everything is going to be okay.

I work a little longer with my original body as EE eats as much as I physically can and fawns over my adorable tiny self. I'm nibbling on a leaf the size of my torso, and it is just the absolute cutest thing. A bubbling feeling in my tummy confirms my suspicion that trees aren't exactly a balanced diet, but they will do for now as I set up more traps.

The sun begins to set, bathing the sky and brilliant reds and oranges. It is as stunning as it was the first night, this time viewed from three sets of awed eyes. As the night descends in full, I wrap up the last of my work for the day and sit at the mouth of the cave, all three bodies enraptured by the stars. Even Mr. Mooshi waddles over, sitting down next to me with a friendly huff. I pat his shell as I try to think about tomorrow. Or possibly tonight? I have three bodies. Do they all have to sleep at once? Can I keep some of them awake while the others rest?

It's food for thought, but I decide against it for now. None of my bodies can see at night anyway, and all three of them are completely exhausted. I spent the whole day either digging holes or beginning to exist in the first place, both of which are a bit energy intensive as activities go.

Clearly tired, Mr. Mooshi extracts himself from my cuddles and trundles into the cave. I crawl on to either side of him and cuddle up, leaving mini me to rest on his back. He's nice and warm in the cold night air, and it helps that any predator who wanders by the cave won't be able to nab any of us without waking the whole lot.

Tomorrow, I’ll learn to fly. How ridiculously cool is that? And even if I mess up and can't do it, I can just refine the body and try again. It's insane! I imagine a buzzing army of mini-mes devouring the landscape like locusts, and it makes me smile. …Because it's a funny mental image, not because I want to devour the landscape like locusts.

I hope I find a civilization. It's incredibly lonely here. I miss my family. I haven't actually seen them since heading off to college, and now I wonder if I'll ever get to see them again. I miss my mom's go-getter attitude, her warm hugs, her hair that always smells like fruity shampoo. She would know how to survive out here, how to build a shelter and stay safe long enough to live normally. I miss my dad’s stupid jokes, his keen wisdom, and his incredible cookie-baking skills. He would know what to say to make me feel better about myself, make me more confident that I could get through this mess without becoming something horrible. I even miss my dorky little brother, although he'd probably be no help at all.

I miss my grandma, even though I haven't actually seen her in a year. I never knew either of my grandpas, but I hear they were pretty cool. One of them died in some war or another, I don't even remember. The other had a heart attack when I was three.

I miss my friends, although I've never had many. Among everyone I used to talk to online, a wonderful few were special to me, though. People I could tell anything, people who shared my love for the things I found most interesting, people that would support me on those unpredictable days when my mind would insist that nothing was going to be okay, and people that would absolutely kick my ass at StarCraft. Though, despite my good friends, I've never had a boyfriend (or girlfriend, for that matter), and yet I definitely miss…

I miss…

Someone. Someone important. Someone I cared about very much? No, wait, it was someone I'm incredibly angry with. No… that's wrong too.  I think. I don't remember.

I just don't remember. Maybe I'll dream another memory tonight.

But maybe, I will just dream.