Another check-in (Patreon)

Hello everyone!

It's been a week since my last (personal) post and funny thing is that very same day I already gave birth. Amazing how no matter how much you prepare yourself no one prepares you to the actual real deal.

It was the most painful thing that has ever happened to me, and probably the most painful thing a human being can experience on earth. My contractions started at 12 AM, we arrived at the hospital at 1 AM, after being checked I was submitted to the delivery room where they told me to rest and take a hot shower to ease the pain but it was already beginning to get too much so my husband called the nurse and she told me "you're already in labor, push!" So I'm on that bed, like what??? I was sure that the contractions is something that take at least one day of gradually building pain, and that you have time to get used to it. Hell I even bough a fitball and TENS machine to ease them, but who even had the time to use them?! The snacks we made? Took one and threw up while being monitored because of the horrible pain.
But nothing of that compares to the delivery itself. I already knew that I was going to do this naturally, without an epidural. For a first time birth everyone though I was crazy but I just wanted to do what my body was built to do. I would much rather feel the pain but FEEL that I'm working on it, than to lose sensation of my lower body. But during the process, while screaming like a person on one of those torture beds you see in torture museums, I screamed and begged for like 10000 needles. It was so. fucking. painful. I FELT IT TEAR. It was burning so much, and I think the entire hospital heard my screaming. My husband who had to hold me down together with the nurse and calm me and encourage me was traumatized. He didn't show it then but after it was done he confessed. I never saw him cry in the whole 7 years of us being together. He tried to hide it, and I first I thought he was having an allergy with all the tissue and puffy red eyes. My husband never cried, but then he did. He told me that he was terrified at seeing me in so much pain. He still didn't get over it. Like almost any other man he thought that women were exaggerating, but you have to see him now, how thoughtful he is, how helpful he is, like he never was before. I'm glad that experience could change his somewhat chauvinistic views hahaha

BUT....the moment they put my baby girl on me, which was born at 3:30 AM, it was like all pain was gone and I was filled with so much happiness! However that was not the end of the story, unfortunately. A couple of hours after arriving to my bed, with terrible and burning pain, after eating something small cause I really had no appetite, I wanted to go and see my baby where they kept all newborns. Only to discover her being monitored, while all other newborns were safely tucked in plastic hospital cribs and going through normal baby-care routine by the nurses. Apparently she had low oxygen saturation in her blood. I was constantly going there to check in on her until hours later I receive a phone call saying that they have to move her to the NICU to be under more intense monitoring. There, which was on the second floor from where I was, my baby had like 3 cables attached to her body, And was constantly pierced by needles for blood count cause they discovered something in her heart and lungs, had to give her anti-biotics, and also put her under a big lamp cause she developed jaundice. I can't even begin to describe how painful it was to see your baby child going through this, and to see her wail every time she was pierced by a needle. I can't also describe the feeling of seeing all other new moms in the rooms resting in their beds, their babies in the plastic cribs near them, while you, with all the BURNING FUCKING PAIN and stitches and heavy bleeding trying to "man up", and go between the first and second floor almost constantly each day. I had no sleep at all, I just couldn't, not only because of my worrying (and the uncomfortable hospital bed) but also because I was adamant on nursing my child so they called me every time she needed feeding and I went there, just trying to do it, and not really succeeding. I just couldn't get her to latch properly no matter how much the consultants taught me, and it was so so so painful cause she was biting with her gums. Not to mention that she was beginning to get restless and cry her throat raw, which led the nurses to say that maybe I should consider using formula instead.
The whole atmosphere was so pressuring and even judgmental sometimes.

I was released on the third day of being there, but baby was not. That's why for the nest 2 days, while still being in great pain, my husband drove me to the hospital to be with her, from morning till evening. I was barely walking, but I carried a big backpack with me just to make sure I have the necessary stuff for her and me staying there for like 10 hours . I was still barely sleeping.

Good news were on Friday when I was still at home and got a phone call telling me that she's alright now, expect for the jaundice (that will have to be treated by my local medical clinic) and that we can take her home. So we took our precious radish home that day, and then the next set of trouble began - taking care of an infant, trying to decipher just what in HELL does she want when she cries. So...overall??? STILL NO SLEEP.
I got better at breastfeeding though, at least that, but she still cries so much and complains and stresses us out!! But I believe that each day I'm getting to know her and her temper a bit better than the previous day. And I hope that with time it will get even better.

DO I MISS DRAWING? HELL YES!!!!!
I really hope I can be back to drawing ASAP, (TBH it still hurts sitting cause of the stitches LMAO)

Anyways thank you all so so so much for all the support and well wishes and for simply staying here and supporting me even when I don't give you content. You guys are the best!
Prepare for the exclusive art pieces tomorrow!!!

Love you all!