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“Seems like Goblins worship you, for some reason.” Shadowheart says with a nervous glimmer in her eye.

Asterion chimes in. “I'm sure it's your personality.”

“Enough prattle. We are close to the Creche. I can feel it.” She approaches the shattered bridge barring your way.
“We must jump to get across. Go.”

You walk to the edge and look down. “It is a long way...”

Lae'zel looks at you unsympathetically. “Kchk.. Yes, and if you are a fool that can not use your legs it will likely be your end. Luckily you have two and they seem to work.”

“I don't feel confident jumping. I think my strength is really low. If it were a number it would be negative.”

“I see.” Lae'zel dug her hand into the band of your scant robes, and another under your collar. As she grabbed you the fabric rode up into your rear with a pleasant grinding that made you blush. She only performs one swing back while picking you up before thrusting you forward. Before the apex of her throw the little thong you wear at her command snaps, along with the pleasantly thin fabric worn over it. You hear a sound you dread to hear in this moment.

“Kchk! I missed.”

You scream as you plummet down, down... Into the stream below. You feel cold and quickly lose consciousness.

-

“You are a perplexing individual.“ You hear a low male voice and open your eyes to see a handsome Drow face with blue skin and long white hair. His features are angular and familiar. You realize immediately who you are speaking to and a soundless squeal escapes your lips as all the air ejects from your lungs. You inhale to catch your breath and utter words like a fan-girl.

“Oh my god it's Drizzt!”

“Wait, what?” The man seems confused, the illusion is shattered.

You blink. “No... No you're not! Liar. Where are we? Who are you?” You stare at the barren, spectral landscape. Floating rocks in an endless ether. But also there is a sight in the distance. A skull surrounded by some spectral light. You stare at the liar that took the shape of your embarrassing crush and see through him immediately. The man steps back as his form is revealed. An ancient Mindflayer with tendrils down to his waste and imperial-looking robes. You gasp, your mind boggling at the sight.

“How!?” He utters defensively.

You rise and dust yourself off. “The shock of meeting 'him' in the flesh and then knowing that I didn't meet him must've sent out a psionic shockwave that interrupted your concentration.” You explain.

The Mindflayer looks at you with incredulity. His beady eyes narrows on you. “No. That is-” He gripped his misshapen flesh in disbelief.
“Just, no... You saw through it.”

“My- my innate willpower?” You wondered out-loud.

“I sense that you are an incredibly stupid and deranged individual. You have some sort of additional protection that goes beyond my capabilities.”

You recoil and shrink a little before. “You're saying I'm too dumb to get tricked by an illusion?”

“No that is not what I said. But I get sense that you enjoy the idea that I would say such a thing.” He floats towards you.
“Now that my illusion is broken, I believe it is time I introduce myself. I am the Emp-”

“If... You ate my brain would I have an orgasm? Would I feel it?” You stare up at him curiously as he stops in mid sentence, and mid flight. He stares down at you like a disapproving father.

-

You open your eyes feeling wet in more ways than one. “Oh gods... My head.”

“There she is! Wakey wakey.” A cockney voice rings in your ears.

“Am I dead? Are you an angel?” You stare up into the eyes of the woman. Red skin and one horn. Hair like a traveling performer.

“Hah! That's a first. You're not dead, but I reckon you should be. Seems like someone hollowed out your noggin, gave you a wedgie and threw you off a cliff. Strangest murder attempt I ever heard of.” She reaches down and grabs you by your thin wrist. She has a strong grip, but you can tell that she is restraining herself like a tiger handling a doe. Your cheeks flush as you stand up and still find that she is over a head taller than you, and quite a bit more 'well-constructed.' You feels something else. Her skin is remarkably warm. You stumble forward and wrap your arms around her waist.
“Oh! Uhm, okay? No need to thank me, Soldier.”

“So warm...” You compliment. As you do she gets warmer. The sensation is like resting ones hand on a stove as it is heating, something you feel like you have done often without learning a thing. She pushes you away gently.

“Alright! That's- That's good. Gratitude received.”

You feel something from her as the two of you separate. Connection. “You're from the ship as well?”

“That's right.” The one-horned woman nods. She clears her throat.
“You wouldn't happen to have seen a... Swordsman running around shouting things about smiting evil?”

You stare up at her, unable to drag your gaze away. A woman that could burn you is a bit literal, but it is absolutely your type. You realize she asked you a question and quickly snap back to reality.
“Oh! I saw him back at the druid camp but I ignored him because he sounded like a bitch.”

“Pfft, what? I guess we'll leave that for now. I got a problem, and I don't wanna drag you into it, soldier I think we should separate, since you're looking pretty recovered.”

“Soldier?”

“Don't think much of it.”

“Can you think of something more fitting? I'd actually like to make your problems my problems. Can I become your follower? I'll do anything! I do dishes and washing and I'll be quiet, I promise.” You do not say it out loud, but you relish placing your hand on that stove once more; for longer and longer.

“Shouldn't you get back to your people?”

“They gave me a wedgie and threw me off a cliff...” You do not feel to bad about it. If anything, it was quite a good experience since you met such a wonderful woman such as this.

“Right, Well! That's a good enough reason, if I've heard one. I guess it's you and me, Dove. I'm Karlach.”

“Dove?” You smile perceptibly. Such a name feels so paradoxically innocent in your mind and you can not place why.

“You're just so white all over. And those red eyes...” Karlach remarks.

“Dove is fine. But you can call me whatever you want, Karlach.” You wink. She seems slightly confused by the offer.
“What's wrong? You said you had something you needed to take care of?”

“Right... I actually got myself into a bit of trouble. People are looking for me and they got me good already. I've been laying low down here until I saw your pale hind wash up.”

You look down. “Oh, I'm not wearing any underwear or pants.”

“Seems so.” Karlach says matter-of-factly.
“You... Want to fix that? You're the most comfortable flasher I've ever encountered if I'm being frank.”

“I'm fine. If we find something we'll find something.” You say casually. There is no hint of hesitation in your tone because the thought of running around without pants on feels positively innocent when compared to your common urges.  

“Damn... Here.” Without prompting Karlach takes her pants off, then her underwear. You watch intently, but she quickly turns around. After a moment she tosses her underwear to you and places her pants back on.
“Here you are, Dove. Better than nothing.”

“Thank you.” You stare at the gift is if it is a treasure that you have found.

“They're for... Wearing, Dove.” Karlach says gently.

“Right!” You slide the sporty undergarments up your lithe thighs and since there is quite a bit of room due to the difference in hip and rear sizes between you and Karlach she helps you tie them at both sides to make them uncomfortable, but effective for the purpose.

“What do you do, Dove?” Karlach asks.

“I'm a Sor- Cleric...” You quickly correct yourself. At this point you feel your calling more towards healing. You were given no room to develop your bloodline, though you still felt it flowing within you. There was no loss in strength from being chosen by a new deity, nor by any of your antics.

“A Sorcleric? Never heard of one of those.”

“I heal.”

“Oh! That'll do it. Maybe we can shove that sword up Anders' arse after all!”

You heart skips a beat. You do not know who Anders is, but the activity sounds... “That sounds like so much fun!”

Karlach's chipper smile cracks a little. “Alright, Dove! Little too enthusiastic. Let's cool down.”

“Yes Ma'am.” You nod obediently.

“Karlach.” She corrects.

“Yes Karlach.” Your smile does not fade and your eyes have a strange, unblinking quality to them as you stare at her.

-

“Alright-” Karlach whispers as you both come up on the toll house.
“I'm gonna go in the front and cause havoc. The main thing I need you to do is handle the gal that keeps patrolling outside. She can cast a nasty spell here and there that'll stop me in my tracks if she can get it off. So what I need you to do is-”

“Occupy that person. What about healing?”

She ruffles your hair with an assured grin. “Oh Dove! I'll take care of it. Don't worry.” You feel warm inside.

“Okay, Karlach.”

“If you need me to come save you, shout.”

The two of you separate. Instinct tells you to climb the ladder and wait. As the woman leaves the Toll-house again, just as commotion begins to start inside you make a clean cut across both tendons above her heel. She tumbles back, near death and unable to move at the bottom of the ladder. You are not sure what possessed you to make such a move, but it felt natural and the cut... The cut felt like one that had been made so many times before. You hear the sounds of shouting and screaming inside but you also remember Karlach's words.
“I shouldn't go in... But then should I just wait?” With nothing to do you slowly climb down and squat over the nearly-dead woman.
“Hey.”

“Uuugh...” She groans.

You tap your chin curiously. A strange desire washes over you. You want to do more harm, but you feel that if you were to stab the woman one more time she would die. A solution arrives in your mind. You touch her and say a healing word, then as she is beginning to recover you drive your knife down into her arm. You continue that motion of healing and stabbing over and over again as if you are in a trance. The body does not seem to run out of blood no matter how much you extract with your knife.
“What about the organs?” You wonder out loud.
“Being a Cleric as actually pretty good...” A faint smile dances on your blood red lips.

“Dove!” Karlach shouts from inside. You snap out of it and look down, plunging the dagger into the woman one last time before climbing back up to meet Karlach.
“Seems like you had a terrible battle... Sorry I couldn't help.”

You look down. “None of it's mine... But I'm out of spells I think?” You began casting more powerful heals from your repertoire. A Cleric of Life could not ignore the needs of the injured; the irony tickles you. You notice something.
“Are you... on fire?”

“Just a little! Nothing to worry your hollow head about. Promise.” She stops.
“Sorry, that sounded a little-”

“That's fine. I said you could call me whatever you want. Can I touch you?”

“Don't think that's a good idea right now, Dove.” You pout. How much you would love to feel just how hot she can get... As you were mourning your chance to touch her griddle of a stomach while she was extremely hot, you saw her raise her impressive new sword.
“Company. Looks like a Gith, a Priest and a Noble.”

“Something something walked into a bar?”

“Oh you heard this one? How's it go?” She wonders jovially.

“They're friendly, mostly.”

“Terrible joke, but I'm glad to hear it.” She sheathed the new sword on her back.

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Lanc3r

“If... You ate my brain would I have an orgasm? Would I feel it?” I absolutely love this woman😌