Ask Wicked Mir #6: Exploring the wide world of kink (Patreon)

So first off, congrats on keeping Wicked Grounds going - I know if anyone could do it, it would be you!

My question is one that I think might be helpful for many people out there:

If you're just beginning to explore kink, and you are single (& perhaps dating), especially if you are a sub, where/how do you start?

Thanks! Looking forward to hearing/reading the answer.

Peace,

Anon Y Mouse 

Hi Mouse – 

Thanks so much for your question (and of course for your Patreon support)! 

This is a great and timely question! I’m currently working on scheduling our next round of Kink 101 classes (including Dating While Kinky) as well as a podcast recording this Thursday about Dating While Kinky. You can listen live this Thursday or download it next week to expand more on my initial thoughts below, particularly on the dating side. 

My biases include a huge focus on agency, authenticity, and having space to be yourself in all your parts. While it might sound counter-intuitive, I double down on those qualities when giving advice to newbies interested in submission. (The pithy Mir quote I’ve carried around for over a dozen years: you cannot exchange power you do not have.) 

With that, a few suggestions: 

Do a bit of research. Playing Well With Others, by Lee Harrington and Mollena Williams-Haas bills itself as a “field guide” to the kink, fetish and BDSM communities, and it’s an excellent resource on how to navigate both the public kink community and private play. If you want to get the most out of classes and events, know what to expect at a kink café or dungeon, or what to think about when negotiating, this book will help. I wish it had been out when I started navigating the public kink world and cannot recommend it highly enough. Luna Grey also wrote a great book called The Kinky Girl’s Guide to Dating. Sadly, there’s no non-gendered equivalent, and the technology references in the book are hilariously dated (AOL! Chat rooms!), but the basic principles of navigating the kink world and relationships remain sound and I recommend it for folks of all genders. 

 . . . from reputable sources.  Remember: anyone and everyone – including me! – can hang up a shingle on the internet to tell you the One Right Way to Do BDSM. This is especially true on the kinky internet (such as FetLife.) Roll your eyes at one true way’ism as you encounter it, and be true to yourself. 

The public scene is your friend. When you’re brand new, it can be a challenge to go to your first munch or event. That said, the public scene is the single biggest resource that can keep you safe. Most local kink communities – even in a big city like San Francisco – are fairly tight-knit. Attending local venues and visiting local groups gives you access to a wide range of potential new friends, mentors, dating partners and resources. You can check in about your experiences, ask around to find out more about potential play partners, have first dates in a safe environment, etc. You’ll also get a much better sense of BDSM community norms, playing in a way that is risk-aware, sane, and non-exploitative. My earliest experiences as a submissive were entirely in private play, and I made many mistakes I never would have with more information and resources under my belt. Looking back, my only regret is that I didn’t join the public scene much sooner. 

Honor your intersections. In many places, there are resources specifically for queer kinksters, gay kinksters, trans kinksters, kinksters in recovery, survivors of abuse, kinksters of color, poly kinksters, and so on. It's hard enough to come out kinky to begin with, but intersectionality is real and can make that process even more complex. It's a great idea to get support around those intersections and fully affirm all the important party of your identity. 

Know thyself. Get clear on what turns you on about kink and submission. Start there. It is better to explore two or three things that really excite you than to feel like you need to know and do everything right away. This also helps simplify negotiation when you start playing with potential partners – find the two or three things you’re both wholly enthusiastic about. Start there. 

It’s all information. When you’re new, it’s hard to know what you like and don’t . . . and that’s okay! It’s also okay for your dynamics and kinks to change over time. I recommend exploring a lot of different kinks and fetishes – through classes, articles, discussion groups, or parties  –  to see what turns you on, and what’s not for you. If you approach the kink world from that perspective, there’s no such thing as wasting your time. 

Pay attention to how you react. The kinks that excited me many years ago, I’m generally still into. The things that bored me several years ago generally still bore me. But the things that terrified me when I first encountered them? Many of those have become my favorite ways to play. You can’t and shouldn’t rush it, but it’s worth paying attention to what holds a charge for you and check in on those areas over time. Where there’s fear, there’s power. 

That person over there? That is a dom. That is not your dom. Unless or until you have negotiated with an individual – and probably multiple times – you do not have a dynamic. If you want to submit, or consider yourself a submissive, that does not obligate you to treat every single Domly Dom in any particular way. Anyone who suggests otherwise is not a Dom, but a boundary pushing jerk, and they should get that checked out. 

The reverse is also true. A guy who had met me once (at church, even!) once decided that because I was a Dominant he could instantly try to submit to me and kept asking me wildly inappropriate questions. I’d already given him my email (for church reasons, even!) and I started getting lots of emails with lower-case i’s and upper case-Yous and . . . it was gross. Don’t do that. 

Slow your roll. There's a phenomenon many folks call "sub frenzy," in which brand new folks exploring submission want to Do All The Things Right Now. Be mindful of that sense of urgency so that you can find the perfect balance for yourself between delicious exploration and sustainability. All those delights will be around as you're ready for them.  (Note: I'm quite sure folks exploring dominance and topping have the same kind of frenzy. Poor submissive folks always get thrown under the bus with these terms.) 

Commit to all of who you are. The world of kink is exciting and amazing, but take lots of time for all the other parts of who you are. If you're a gardener, garden. If you have a meditation practice, get on the mat. If you're a writer, write. As you grow in kink, it's doubly important to also pour energy into all the other things that are uniquely you. 

Explore appropriate mentorship. Build a team of peers that you can explore your feelings and explorations with. Many larger cities have discussion groups for Dominants or submissives to talk with one another about their shared experiences, and some also provide mentorship opportunities (such as the excellent Society of Janus mentorship program here in SF). Look for someone experienced in your desired dynamic who can be a reality check and inspiration to you. If you’re interested in submission, that would be a long-term submissive. If you’re interested in rope rigging, that’s an experienced rigger. 

Reject inappropriate mentorship. There are millions of folks of the opposite dynamic who will offer to “mentor” you, especially online. I call BS on this. If you’re a young straight woman exploring submission, how on earth is that straight Domly Dom going to . . . mentor you? What does he know about being a young submissive, exactly? If you’re interested in exploring a relationship with someone, do – but explore them with someone who’s not trying to take advantage of your inexperience.  

I hope this is helpful for some basic navigation. There’s a huge world of kink to explore. Get out there and do it! 

Mir