Kink & Permaculture Pt 1: Observe & Interact (Patreon)

David Holmgren gets credit for encapsulating the essence of permaculture design into 12 principles. As I mentioned in my introduction post, these principles are so deeply embedded in my systems thinking that they've unconsciously influenced both my approach to running Wicked Grounds and my overall kink ethics. This series of articles is an attempt for me to think about that approach a little more deliberately, and to make my approach to the kink world and Wicked Grounds' KINK 101 education series more transparent to other kinksters. 

Holmgren lays out the first principle this way: 

1. Observe and Interact – “Beauty is in the mind of the beholder”
   By taking the time to engage with nature we can design solutions that suit our particular situation.

This principle gets to the heart of my most basic advice for each KINK 101 class, but also hints at something much broader. 

The best way to get to know the kink scene is to wade into it and observe. Watch how folks interact with one another. Get the "vibe" of the scene. Observe the language people use, and the non-verbal cues in their behavior. Be prepared to be surprised! (I've been in the public BDSM scene for over a dozen years, and I am constantly learning about new fetishes, communities and playstyles.) 

We can generally start with a few principles of our own. To riff off the topics on the cute consent poster at the SF Citadel: 

• Yes means yes. Assume everything else means "no". 
• Negotiate toward mutual benefit. Come to an agreement about what's an enthusiastic "yes" for everyone. 
• Respect the autonomy of people and their property. Don't touch people or their belongings without asking. 
• Don't interfere with other folks' scenes (or dynamics).

With those rules of observation in mind, newcomers to kink overall or a particular sub-culture can respectfully observe and learn more deeply about what's really going on. (And, by observing, get a deep sense of why those ground rules are important. "Oh! I shouldn't just walk up and hug a good friend who might have open singletail wounds on their back! Makes sense why you should ask first!") 

Getting in and observing with an open mind can teach us more about the kink world than any class. Whether it's watching a procession of human ponies, or laying in a human puppy mosh, trying a sampler station at a party or watching a rope demo, observation is the best way to get not just information but a visceral sense of the kink world -- what turns us on, what squicks us out, what intrigues and inspires us. 

The permaculture perspective on observation is not passive, but active. It's not just "observe and sit this one out," it's "observe and interact". This is why I constantly encourage newcomers to volunteer with groups, to engage with classes, to test out toys (on themselves or a consenting other person), and to try as many samplers as they can. This kind of "observation" is not about dispassionately sitting on the sidelines; it's about engaging and discovering our own role to play in the community. 

In the early stages of learning about BDSM overall, or a specific scene or group, it's all about information. The best approach is keeping an open mind and seeking information. 

As long as everything is safe, sane, and non-exploitive, this means nearly anything is a "win" -- even the scenes that don't quite work. If you try a style of play that just doesn't work for you, that's information! You learned something about yourself and your preferences. Call it a win. If your first date with someone is a real dud, that's information! Better to know up front. If you play with someone whose style doesn't quite mesh with yours, you've learned something valuable about both yourself and your compatibility with this person. 

Let's look at that principle again: 

"By taking the time to engage with nature we can design solutions that suit our particular situation." 

In this case, nature is our community, and engagement is the ways we explore it -- classes, community spaces, play parties, demos, samplers, street fairs, relationships, scenes, etc. The more we engage, the more information we have, and the more we can find ways to discover our own needs and how to get them met. 

Speaking of which, we'll be talking about exactly that in the next post. Stay tuned!