The Al Capone of being terrible at comedy (Patreon)

I'm making a commitment to posting a new video, either a short mini-sode for Patreons only or a full length one for everybody, every month. In order to keep myself accountable, I've decided to post something embarrassing every month that I fail to keep up this pace. Welcome to the second edition of "Shame the Goblin"!

This month, I've got a video so cringey I would actually recommend you don't watch it. It's one of my worst comedy sets ever. Here's the story behind it:

There was a huge moment in Toronto in 2019 when the Toronto Raptors won the NBA championship. Since the sports teams in Toronto pretty much universally suck, this was a big fucking deal. People were out on the streets, partying, climbing traffic lights, and just generally celebrating a rare moment of not sucking at a sports thing.   

That very night, I had one of the worst sets of my life. It's a long, painful story, but here you are:  

I was asked to do a show for the charity Doctors Without Borders. They told me they couldn't pay, which was okay by me because, I don't know, it was for a good cause and they said there would be over 200 people there. Why not? It could make a good festival submissions tape! 

As the date of the event got closer, the group planning the event sent me several additional requests for my performance. With each request, I became more and more confident that this set was not going to go well.  

-The event will be themed "The Roaring 20s." Can you please dress up for this? Wear a bow tie and a suit. 

-Can you please make sure all of your material is 20s themed? 

-(Day before the big show) There's been a change of plans and we're going to tone down the "Roaring 20s" theme, it's now a viewing party for the raptors game. Can you do mostly just jokes about the Raptors? 

-But no jokes about Kevin Durant. 

-Day of the show: We're going to put you up at halftime. The halftime break is the time we want people to use to go to the bathroom and buy drinks. (For some reason they literally said this to me HAHAHAHA)  

So I did exactly as they asked me. First I prepared a set in the voice of a 1920s comedian doing jokes about Al Capone and the Lindbergh Baby, then I prepared some Basketball jokes still in the voice of that 20s comedian.  

A friend and I get to the venue. It's super fancy, bottle service, expensive drinks, instagram photo booth, FANCY. There are about three people out of 200+ dressed in 1920s garb and they're all part of the event organizers. Most people are wearing either "clubbing" type outfits or Raptors jerseys. I'm wearing a fedora, bow tie, and a frankly ridiculous blazer. So right away I'm feeling like the proverbial "one guy at the party who thought there was a costume theme." Even the music they're blasting is modern top 40s, no swing at all! Come on!  

But did I falter? Did I change course? Did I even hesitate? No, dear reader, because I'm a professional (except the part where professionals get paid). I was there to do 1920s basketball jokes at halftime, and dammit, that was what I was going to do.  

The game starts and right away everyone is yelling. I'm cheering for the raptors because of course let's go raptors clap clap clapclapclap, but also a huge part of me is really hoping the Raptors are in the lead when my halftime show comes because somehow I think that will make the crowd slightly more receptive to a comedian.  

I'm backstage ready to go on and the crowd is SCREAMING at the game . I'll be performing in front of the massive screen they have there, standing on top of a narrow plank above the bar (more of a "glorified mantle" than a "stage"). Right before the half is over, the screen starts buffering. The crowd is pissed. The screams turn from excitement and hope to ANGER. We miss the last few seconds of the first half. It is unbelievably tense in the room.  

Then: "Ladies and gentlemen we have a special treat, a comedian who time traveled here from the 1920s! Please welcome James Elias Island!!!"  

I dutifully get up onstage, do a bit of pandering ("Who here likes the RAPTORS???") to cheers, and then launch into my first bit.  

So again, I have the video here for you but honestly I would not recommend watching it. Let me give you the highlights:  

-First bit involves me pumping up the crowd to do the raptors cheer with me, a cheer we all know. Then I start singing "Come on my Raptors, put it in the hoop, yada dada da daaaahhhh" to the tune of "Hello My Baby". This is the precise moment everyone stops listening to me  

-I do a couple jokes involving silly 1920s gang names (Ex: "Joe Suggins and the Bootleg Boys!") to no response. Then I pull out a list of all the other 1920s mob names I considered and read them out, also to no response, despite how hilarious they were to my roommate and I when we were riffing them at each other earlier in the day  

-At the end, a bit frustrated, I say "I'm gonna do one more and then get the fuck out of here." At news of me leaving the stage the audience applauds  

After the "halftime show" ended, I left the premises, as a comedian's instincts always tell them to do after a bomb. I watched the rest of the game at a nice normal bar with reasonably priced alcohol and it was amazing and only a few people asked why I was wearing a fedora. Go Raps!!!! We the North!!! 🏀🦖🏆