Lost in Regression- Page 28 (CW- Scars/self-harm) (Patreon)

(Now unlocked for $5 Patrons)

CW: Self-harm, suicide:

The weeks after Elly's death were the only times I've ever harmed myself in my life. My first suicide attempt would have involved a knife to my wrist, too, but I was saved before I could muster up the courage. I'm honestly still in shock that not only did I feel hopeless and powerless enough to attempt it (I've been dealing with suicidal thoughts since I was 7, but this was only the first time I'd ever attempted it), but also the sheer amount of people who tried to save me damn near immediately after sending my... notes is just staggering.

I'm normally INCREDIBLY averse to pain. I typically go out of my way to avoid anything that could bring me potential physical pain. But back then, I genuinely didn't feel in control of my actions during all of this. It was as if my mind had been hijacked by someone else, and that someone wanted to hurt me. They wanted to stop the intense emotional distress I was experiencing through any means necessary.

I still have the scars from my self-harming. They're faint, but they're still there. And seeing them scares me, sometimes. They remind me that there's another person inside of me who's capable of hurting me. Someone who's willing to take drastic measures to quell my trauma. Someone who genuinely believes what they're doing is for my own good.

I've been doing a lot better this year, though. That other person hasn't shown up since my last suicide attempt on Thanksgiving. But I'm still scared of what the future could bring that would bring that person back.