YKS The Mag #36 (Patreon)

One thing that’s sort of popular to do right now is to say “I can’t stop thinking about _____”, or “I think about ____ all the time”, or “I just remembered ______ and it’s [doing something wild] to me”. (To be clear, I mean it’s popular on Twitter to say it. I don’t know what it is popular to do in places besides the computer.) One thing I have been thinking about is this exchange between our friend and former guest of the show John Cullen and some guy I don’t know.

For context, here is the full image being discussed:

Now I’m not going to say I can’t stop thinking about this, because I easily can. I saw this post several days ago and have stopped thinking about it many times since. There’s no way to know for certain, but I believe my brain is capable of considering multiple thoughts per day, sometimes generating as many as 10 or 15 discrete ideas in a single 24-hour period. Thinking about these posts didn’t hurt my brain, either, or poison me in some literal or metaphorical way. I’ll even think about something else right now to prove my point. Check this out: remember Mr. Ed, the talking horse from television? Yep, me too. See? Easy.

That being said, I did think about it a little bit, and my conclusion was that these guys are FUCKIN NUTS! Just kidding. I would get rid of these items in the following order:

1. Soda - I do drink diet sodas but they’re not good for you and I don’t get much pleasure out of them. Much easier if we’re just talking full sugar sodas of course, but either way they’re expendable in the extreme.

2. Beer - Besides a few sips here and there, I haven’t had a beer in years. Even so, I think there’s a possibility I will care about having one sometime in the future. When I’m 65, will I care about being fat, pukey, and tired as much as I did when I was turning 30? Perhaps not. Still, for now, they gotta go.

3. Pizza - There was a time in my life when I thought pizza and Metallica were the two most overrated things on Earth. I came around on Metallica (then back again), but pizza has always just been fine. I’ve had bad pizza (Mr. Gatti’s, Sbarro) and good pizza (in Italy, and fancy Margheritas). It’s okay. I get it. You get the bread and sauce and stuff. I just would rather have a sandwich or something. And I think Some Kind of Monster is good!

4. Fries - Fries, on the other hand, are really really good. We’re getting into the “tough cuts” area here. I’m not happy to see these guys go. I even like the bad ones, from In-N-Out, or the new Wendy’s ones. Ketchup, mayo, bbq sauce, doesn’t matter. Gravy, milkshake, whatever. I’m in. But it’s not real food. Nutritionally, they’re plastic. We don’t need ‘em. They’re not from the earth.

5. Cake - It’s April 9th, and the last time I had cake was probably my birthday of last year (December, not that anyone asked). Also it was cheesecake, so it was actually pie. But it was so fucking good and there’s no replacement for it. Cake is not any better for you than fries, but if you’re craving french fries you can just have a baked potato. What the hell could you have as a cake substitute? Brownies? Don’t make me laugh.

6. Burger - Well burgers, you made it. Silver medal. I’ve often said I would rather have a burger than a steak (steak can go below beer here for all I care), but one of the few things I’d rather have than a big juicy burg with all the trimmings is…

7. Taco - Quite possibly the perfect food. Eggs, peanut butter, and tacos. What else do you fuckin want, a psychic romantic relationship with a polar bear who gives you ideas and tasks? Good fuckin luck.

Spirit, Totem, & Power Animals - The Book - $22,507 of $10k

Just got word that SANDRA INGERMAN - yes, THE Sandra Ingerman - has written the forward for my new book!

For those who are new to Sandra, she's world renown with 12 multi-award winning books and teacher for Sounds True and The Shift Network. She is the preeminent author and teacher in the Shamanism space.

Oh my god, THE Sandra Ingerman? Of the Shamanism space fame? Well Bernadette my dear you have certainly pulled out all the stops for this one. I was initially skeptical about the claims of absorbing spiritual power from unicorns, but now that I know Sandra Ingerman is in on it, you’ll need a whole team of talking wolves to keep me away from Barnes & Noble when it drops.

There is so much in this project to enjoy, but I think this is my favorite part:

Why this book

Short Version:

The Animal Allies told me to do it. Not kidding.

Okay!

Spillin' Beans - $9017 of $10k

We started Spillin’ Beans to connect people through comedy, culture and beans. With our initiative, “Beans For Change”, for every game sold, we donate a can of beans, one of the most nourishing aliment, to local food banks. We will share the donation centers on our website so you will be able to track the impact we all make together!

I think giving away a can of beans is literally the least you could do. Also have never heard the word “aliment” in my life but it’s technically correct so you get a pass.

It is somewhat refreshing to see a game that deviates somewhat from the existing rude joke contest dogma, even if it is merely by virtue of the container (cylinder vs. box) and the characters (uhh, beans). And considering how much my 7 year old loves beans and board games, I am essentially the target market for this game. As I write this, the project has gone over the $10,000 goal, so I could simply plop down the credit card and have a gift here in time for a birthday or any other occasion. But I think my wallet is in the other room. Oh well!

Soap Saver - $32 of $2,385

A 12 pack of Irish Spring bar soap costs $6.29 at my local Kroger. Each bar weighs approximately 106.3 grams. So this package of bar soap will cost about $0.004 per gram ($6.29 / 12 * 106.3g). If the average bar of soap is only 90% usable, this package will generate 127.56g of soap shards. Assuming the Soap Saver is able to convert these shards into a usable lather at a 100% efficiency, the shrewd bather will recapture some 51 cents worth of soap per case.

The Soap Saver costs $15 (excluding taxes, shipping, etc). Assuming a bar of soap lasts about 6 weeks, or 40 showers’ worth, it would take about 14,000 showers to return the investment of the Soap Saver, or 40 years for a daily bather (400 years for Mike! HahaAHAHA! FUCK YOU MIKE)

SNACTIV - The Snacking Tool of the Future - $5302 of $20k

I have had to tell my 9 year old a few times this week that we don’t eat Cheetos while on the computer (she doesn’t like beans), and really it’s not even because I’m worried about the mess. I do think even a tiny amount of particulate cheese substance in the keycaps of her $160 Chromebook would probably get her out of her typing lessons for a couple weeks, but mainly it’s just the stereotype. Come on! We don’t want to do the Cheetos and computers thing, do we? What’s next, a half empty 2-liter of Mountain Dew next to you? We gonna go down to the basement next to post on some forums? No. You’re too young. You have so much potential. Get the Cheez-Its at least. OK thank you.

The Filmmakers - Second round - $2 of $25k

Because if the Satan himself would come to the earth, he wouldn't be able to write something similar to which I have written. If you're not a Tarantino fan, and like limits in the movies this campaign is definitely not for you, and I have no need in your money, more than that I will do everything to avoid that people like you will watch this movie.

More from this fuckin weirdo on the latest YKS Premium. Would not want to spend too much more time in his head, I’ll tell ya that much! Yikes!

OnSite: Make any Credit Card your New Debit Card - $1 of $23,400

The main feature of this app is to be the intermediary between your credit card and checking account to make your credit card function as though it's a debit card for the users to get credit card rewards points while also building their credit score in which a debit card wouldn’t get you.

Credit shit is so stupid. It’s arbitrary and unfair, it’s way outsized in terms of its influence, it’s even a tool of oppression, I don’t think it’s too hyperbolic to say. I acknowledge all that. I am fortunate in that I have relatively good credit and have used that position to get lower rates on loans, credit cards with rewards, a couch I didn’t want to pay for all at once, or whatever. And yet still, when the bank servicing my car loan changed this week, I was dinged 28 points for “closing out an account”, which “lowered my average age of credit”. Now that is some obscure, automated, irrelevant bullshit right there.

Point being, there is a whole other world out there that you will never be able to understand, and a shadow version of yourself lives there for the purposes of analysis and control. The major credit brokers and their many subsidiaries and associates have more information about you than anyone you know, and far more influence on how you live your life than you probably realize. What’s more, there are at any given moment dozens if not hundreds of intermediaries and bad actors attempting to manipulate, steal, or take advantage of that data with or without your knowledge, and a single mistake could be financially catastrophic. But if you get the right card you can put a cute little cartoon on there and maybe get a free night at Disneyland.

Well anyway that’s all the crap I have for today. We will see you another time. Bye bye