YKS The Mag Issue #3 (Patreon)

Greetings and salutations. It is now time for this week’s installment of Your Kickstarter Sucks: The Podcast: The Newsletter. 

I hope everyone is doing well and staying safe. Remember to wash your hands if you come into contact with the police! Just playing. Hey I just read that they cancelled COPS and I said oh yeah what’d they do. Like the institution of policing itself was cancelled for their old racist tweets or something. I said it to myself which was kind of pathetic. Anyway kind of a funny one in the hopper. It’ll need some polish but I’m tossing that sucker on the back burner for now and we can come back to it whenever. 

This week on the show we had a microwave gadget thing, we had a Trump thing and we had a coffee thing and.. I’ll be honest with ya, folks; these things weren’t worth a damn lick. Or perhaps some of them were! I honestly don’t remember, as the episode was a few days ago now and I’ve completely forgotten everything that happened. Hey, you already heard the show so maybe you could remind me what it was about or I guess we could both just rediscover them right now, together. 

Alright let’s do that. 

QuadCooker - Microwave Assistant

Ohh its the quad cooker, gang. We’re cooking four times the amount of stuff than normal, for some raisin. 

This thing is basically a shelving unit for your microwave and the feller in the video says he came up with the shit because of how “difficult it is to reheat leftovers which I mean whatever you know? I think you could just like, wait until the other guy is done cooking. Or you could also just REDACTED BY JESSE yourself you piece of REDACTED BY JESSE

Guy goes “Several months ago my wife and I were in the kitchen trying to put together leftovers for our family of four. Well, you know how difficult that can be, you can only heat up one plate at a time. So I went to work what we now call the QuadCooker.”

What if you have a family of five? Back to the drawing board, Einstein.

This piece of shit is sitting at 217 bucks and has ~30 days left to secure the funds for production, which will take place overseas probably because could there honestly be anything more American than a factory full of people in another country toiling away to make some plastic thing for your microwave so you can shovel more food into your gross body. I love it! And I love the world, also. I’m serious! I’m smiling! 

Barisieur 2.0 - Coffee & Tea Brewing Alarm Clock

You know, gang it’s as I’ve always said “A well spent day brings happy sleep.”Leonardo Davinci BrainyQuote.com Read MoreGo BackWe all know the value of getting a good night’s rest. How many times has this happened to you, you wake up at 2 or 3pm after a night spent drinking and being on the computer. (You had just found out Claire from Bon Appetit has a boyfriend.. Critical hit..) You start to feel the dread wash over you. You’re back in your life and responsible for your own choices! Noo! And plus your eyes are all crusty and your breath stincks Ahhh! It sounds like a nightmare. And it really is!

But it doesn’t HAVE to be. Introducing the Barisieru. Or whatever. First off let’s get a different name going please bro... That’s just for starters but seriously help me out. If you want a bunch of really stupid people to buy your thing and tell their equally stupid friends to buy the thing you don’t want a bunch of guys being like hey hold on, how do you say it. Call it the fuckin, I dunno, the fuckin Dream Pod or some shit I dunno. That was my first try I know dream pod sucks fuck off. It’s better than what they have.  Anyway you just gotta wake up dude. It sucks ass believe me I know but maybe if you wake up you can find some money or suck a titty or something. You got the whole day ahead of you. 

When I was a kid I never wanted to go to sleep and that never really went away as I grew older. I'm sure I was doing cool shit with my friends back then. Now of days I’ll be up
doing stupid shit. Watching japanese game shows, cleaning my microwave or taking my couch apart and vacuuming it. Hell, take your vacuum apart too, dude. Why not. You let some gunk build up inside there and you’re gonna be sorry later. And 4am is as good a time as any. 

I have a french press so coffee is probably as easy as can be. You just heat the water up and add the coffee and push the thing. Bingo Bango. The idea behind a lot of these things is that they’ll make your life easier or save you some heartache somehow but this thing seems like a big nightmare and no im not looking in the mirror! Haha! :-P

This Automatic Coffee and Tea Maker with Alarm Clock Functionality features a pour over coffee maker, alarm clock and wireless charger for your phone and I’d love to knock it over in the middle of the night when I’m having a stress dream about being murdered or something. 

Trumper Bumper

Oh baby! I love it! Truly incomprehensible product here.This is a thing to help safeguard you and your loved ones when you’re slamming your door. Which is a thing I guess people do I don’t know. I’d rather be slamming some poon tang personally. Sorry about that. Inappropriate for the news letter and it isnt even true. So like we said on the episode this is for if you like Trump, or also if you hate him. Truly a product everyone can get behind. I personally don’t NEED reminding of the egregious failures of this administration and the thousands of people who have DIED due to his outright incompetence during the Covid 19 crisis, his non existent leadership skills everywhere else, and the constant amoral grand standing from him and his base. If I need to be reminded that half of America elected an insane fascist who by all accounts Mr Bean’d himself into power, I will simply look in my Cupboard at the bag of cheet-ohs therein. 

Anyway, so you slip this thing on your doorknob and you can slam your shit all day long and it wont fuck your door up. Pretty good. Too bad it sucks ass in every way possible.

Tea pe meme

YUeah baby!!! A social media platform for people who love TEA! That’s whats up! I started trying to imagine the type of guy this would be for but I can’t imagine him. Too pathetic even for me, sorry. 

“I believe the amount of time wasted behind trying to convince strangers into dating you is just sickening. Therefore, online dating doesn’t suck. The way we have been asking someone out on a date does. I am here to give online dating a new meaning, which still requires communicating with strangers, but in an exchange of graphical content. No text messaging, calling and forget video calling at all.

Tea pé meme will be a meme sharing community, later to be transformed into a dating platform. I chose tea to be an integral part of this concept because tea is for every class of people and loved by all. Tea generates great thoughts, induces a new energy and makes every day better with its essence. Sounds familiar to something? Probably yes, because memes serve exactly the same purpose in an individual’s life.”

Alright whatever. Stupid idea, but so is a podcast about crowdfunding. Is the idea that you’re posting memes about tea and then you guys get so horny you fuck each other? What’s up with that. I guess thats the same as any other website. Everyone is just cramming junk into the ether. I wouldn’t mind cramming MY junk in there. I guess I am, kind of. Pretty funny. 

The T-shirt that will fix the US healthcare system

Stupid.

Beyond Your Wardrobe - A Bible Study on Modesty

“Since I was in high school, God has given me a passion for the topic of modesty. The biggest reason is that I believe that for Christians, modesty is an expression of gratitude over all that Christ has done for us through His sacrifice on the cross. Embracing that truth in our physical presentation will not only impact the way we see ourselves but also the way we see everyone around us. Although this truth needs to be heard by both genders, it's of special importance to teach the younger generation of women so they can find their worth and value in Christ, not in physical beauty or personal success. These truths began to change the way I say my clothes and I wanted to share that with others. Years of research and several teaching experiences later, I came to write the book Beyond Your Wardrobe.

Since I released this book, I have been thinking of ways to further the impact of the book and its message. One that continued to come to the front of my list was developing a Bible study curriculum.”

Religious stuff is not for me. If you’re a big religion guy well then, to you I say “That’s whats up”. And I’m glad you found your thing, but to me it seems like someone a long time ago created the ultimate Busy Work what with the praying and the tithing so on. I got other shit I could be doing. Like I dunno whatever. Here, listen to Phil who wrote in after the episode aired.

Phillip writes:

“Yall were kind of searching for whats wrong with the christian modesty book kickstarter so I thought id offer my thoughts. It was weird because she started by pointing out something thats true - that modern beauty standards are oppressive against women and lead to a lot of unneeded suffering. The bad thing is that she coopted that reality for the religious conservative patriarchy by blaming “sexual liberation” as the root cause of oppressive beauty standards rather than the patriarchy she represents and legitimizes. This is a classic religious right wing trope. Rather than blaming the patriarchy that exists independent of the idea of sexual freedom (and which the idea of sexual freedom fights against), she blames women for their failure to conform to an even more patriarchal set of norms.”

-Phillip

Thanks Phillip and if you want me to use a different name or a pseudonym or something for you on here let me know. 

Gang, I’m just some guy and I don’t know shit from shinola. If you told me there was a piece of shit on my shoe I would sincerely think it was shinola. And I would argue that fact til I was blue in the face. Just stone cold stupid and dead set on being right and you know what? I wouldn’t have it any other way. I’m just some guy and I don’t know shit but if the Lord came down tonight and said i was dressing too sexy I’d be out tomorrow finding a new ancient guy to pray to. And that’s a fact!

Well I think that’s the newsletter. See ya.