Gobtober: Loot (Patreon)

Super last minute writing idea, like all the best Gobtober pieces shout be. A proper Gobtober entry this time too. I’ve been writing pieces for it on and off since I never did all the prompts for lack of any fun new ideas and not wanting to commit to cranking one out every day of the month. Plus I’d caught onto the idea a little late. Anyway, I just had the words “goblin heist” written on the idea list and I happened to see Loot on my old list of unfinished Gobtober prompts.

This one was super fast and fun to do. I couldn’t do proper visuals justice so I went super hard on tone and character looks. Everything about it’s just most action trailers mashed together, plus a few weird magic gimmicks. It was really fun to write that way because I didn’t make it obvious enough at first, then once I started describing cuts and shots I just went super into it being cheesy, generic trailer stuff like it’s just being pitched hard by a producer or executive or whatever. This whole smut writing business would be way easier if it was just me yelling scene ideas and adjectives.

I wrote that one Monster Essays and a few hints about the monstergirl entertainment industry so this wasn’t too much of a leap. The fantasy world technically never existed, since monsters didn’t appear until something like the 2000s, so if the races are treated with dignity it’s still fair game to use them. Plus if you make them look like cool action heroes, goblins aren’t likely to complain.

I also thought about giving all the characters matching actress names, but that felt like more work than something this actively dumb deserved. I’m sure they’re all in the hurried credits at the end, or that they’re all famous enough that you’re supposed to know most of them already.

A tall and slender goblin woman in an almost-nice suit and slicked down purple hair slapped a hastily scrawled blueprint onto the table. The team of goblin girls leaned over it, even if their wobbling green chests covered more than a small percentage of the paper.

“Listen up. If Keera’s intel is as good as it always is, we have a twelve-hour window where the richest nobles in all seven kingdoms will all be in one place. They’re going to have jewels, furs, crowns, and lots and lots of gold, all kept safe in a private vault during their stay. That loot’s our ticket to becoming the richest goblins the world’s ever seen. And we all got our part to play…”

The screen snapped to a tight shot of the leading goblin. Small glasses low on her thick, angular nose! Carefully blackened nails. A businesslike expression.

“Toxa: The Mastermind/Flirt” flashed beneath her as the letterboxed image focused on her.

Cut to her in the dark hideout holding a runestone and barking into it like a phone.

“I’m calling the schedule because I’M the one who knows what an hour is! It has to be NOW!”

Cut back to another letterboxed shot of a much huskier and red-eyed goblin. Short and messy black hair. Tastefully cool scar over one cheek. She wears a thick, black leather breastplate that squashes her boobs up to the top.

“Gim, The Muscle/Flirt.”

Scenes flash between her clocking out three humans with one swing of a warhammer. Then getting an orc in a headlock and doing a cool wrestling slam on him. Then shoulder-checking a door down with Keera and Lox just behind her wielding wands like handguns.

Scene of her cracking her neck and rubbing some dark green blood from her nose. She shrugs.

“This should be a whole barrel of fun,” she says quotably. Preferably in a sexy accent.

Snap back to another profile shot! Runes and lights go past a mousey but still hot and slightly less busty goblin! Thick glasses and a wand bit between her teeth while she types on a magical slab.

“Keera: The Magic/Flirt.”

Keera typing rapidly on her tablet while smaller images float by of runes, views from planted crystal balls, and heat-vision style sensors.

“It’s just making the pieces fit together,” she narrates.

Cut back to her leaning seductively into a human guard and taking off her glasses to look all flirty and sexy.

“Right?” she purrs.

Another profile! A narrow-faced goblin. Slightly older, just enough for the fans to call her a milf. Dark, hot sauce red head with some white streaks in it. Wearing goggles and seated in the front of a carriage.

“Lox: The Driver/Flirt.”

Shot of her riding a horse, looking up towards a tower window. “JUMP! JUMP OR… hold on.”

Dramatic action shot as she twists the horse’s reigns. Whips it around so it mule kicks an incoming orcish guard and whirls back around just in time for a falling Gim to land in the saddle behind her.

“Told ya we’d make it.”

Change of pace! Show the ball in question with a few random rich idiots around. A well-dressed but curvy elven woman chuckles and waves to other guests before she steps into another well-furnished room. She waves a hand and the magic around her face vanishes to reveal a goblin on stilts inside the dress. Cue the next profile shot!

Letterboxed in goblin babe. Plump lips. Big purple eyes. Get the audience hooting with some puffed up cleavage in a fancy dress. Yowza!

“Uala: The Face/Flirt.”

Uala walks in front of a medieval inn in a city guard disguise. She flashes a badge with vague bronze symbols.

“Alright! Everyone calm down. City guard’s arrived!” she orders.

“What division?” an overwhelmed-looking minotaur asks.

“A big one! Who cares what division?!”

Cut back to the meeting spot over the map. Toxa nods respectfully over towards another part of the table off camera.

“And of course…”

Music cuts out. A sharp-featured she-goblin leans out from the shadow. Very short pink hair. She smiles slowly and wide, showing off her fangs over steepled fingers. Leanly muscled, more monkey than gorilla despite her ferocious tone.

Music’s back! Rapid series of action shots. She leaps from rooftop to rooftop with a broadsword on her back, drawing and firing a wand behind her. She scales up a rope and whips out a serrate knife, starting to cut above where she’s holding on. She faces down a wave of incoming guards hurling throwing knives with ridiculous accuracy. She jumps on an orc’s head with a large, jagged meat cleaver raised over her head.

“Hack. Hack! HACK! HACK!” she chants savagely.

Cut back to the silence of the meeting room as the others look at the huge stash of blades behind the dangerous-looking goblin.

Toxa: “…we’ll need a hacker.”

Shot of the heavily armed wild card.

Caption: “and Vyla Dent as Shred: The Hacker/Flirt.”

Few more teaser shots! Gim catches a falling Toxa by the wrist (they share a look)! Uala runs down a hall. Cut to Keera snaps her fingers. An explosion goes off right behind Uala! Lox veers a horse and carriage to slam its side into another racing carriage! It rattles the target vehicle to tumble several chests and a couple of the girls off onto hers instead! A swarm of arrows fly POV style at Shred and Keera. Gim runs in and shoves them into a stable just in time as the projectiles hit the cobblestones instead. Music cuts as they poke their heads up from piles of hay. A goat bleats comically.

Music climaxes! Action-packed dun dun dun! Title flashes on the screen and lingers over 6 short silhouettes: GOBLIN HEIST!

Cut back to the meeting room. The girls all sit in a moment of silence.

Keera raises a hand. “But we can fuck the guards, right?”

Toxa looks slightly surprised. “I mean, yes we can fuck the guards. Why wouldn’t we?”

The others nod in simultaneous agreement and relief.

“Yea!”

“Duh.”

“Oh yea, naturally.”

“Yessss~!”

The way too small credits fly by!

---

Paul and Tizzy sat in bed, waiting for their movie to start. The ad wrapped up as Paul looked over to the pink-haired goblin next to him. Her belly was ripe and round with half-goblin pups and she was stuffing herself more with a giant bowl of popcorn.

“I can’t even tell anymore. Is that supposed to be good? Is it trying to be ironic?”

“Uhmuh!” Tizz mumbled around her mouthful of food. “Who cares? It’s got goobers, tits and swords in it. I’m deffy watchin’ the fuck outta that.”