Captain's Log of The Tideturner (Patreon)

This is something that came to me last week when I was listening to a podcast talking about Star Trek. It reminded me that ST is one of those things that I knew it existed but never saw more than a few minutes of it. I got a lot of the basic tone from parodies like Futurama and Muppets but all I knew was some second-hand trivia from friends and podcast chatter. If you know my other works well, a lot of my favorites are ones where I'm making a parody or spinoff of something I barely know about so I can just fill in the gaps and see what happens. So The Tideturner story here is what tiny pieces of Star Trek's tone that I can understand combined with what I played of Mass Effect before that went to crap.

I figured I'd done enough fantasy stuff with monstergirls so I could go into scifi alien chicks, just with crazy crab hands and too many arms and stuff instead of just funny foreheads and elf ears. I left a few seeds around for future stories, but I was especially with how the narrator turned out. I wanted Captain Colinger to be the opposite of Lord William so the stories weren't too similar.

He's already got his crew of alien girls and space babes. He doesn't want the power he was given (rather than taking what he wanted). He's panicky and fucks up constantly without being an especially mean or capable guy. While William can literally solve things with a snap of his fingers, Colinger goes blindly into his problems and flails around hoping for the best. Naturally, things will end up going into a harem-like situation on the ship while dealing with outside alien threats and sexiness alike.

Things might be a little slower than usual around here. Not only because I’m sending out applications and samples for agents on my novel, either. After I wrote my Pizza Thot fic, the artist and his mini-company reached out to me to offer me to write sexy stories for them directly. I’ll have to let you guys know if it’ll be sharable on here or if it’s exclusive, but a good connection either way! I tend to deliver early to mid month anyway, so I should get you your stories regardless by this month. Also the artist for the Harley Quinns fight is working on it as we speak.

Captain’s Log: Hoooooly shit. Oh fucking shit this is bad! I did not need this kind of pressure in my life right now!

You know? Let's start that again. That's not super helpful to the log. This is first... er, Captain Art Colinger of the Galaxy United Division's galaxer-class vessel The Tideturner. You... probably already know that if you're listening to these logs. Or do people read them? Computer, are these logged in text or voice formats? Both? Huh. Alright, let's start from the beginning anyway.

I started out as the chief navigator of The Tideturner about six months ago. It's a pretty big deal, if I do say so myself, because there's a lot of complexities to what other people would consider map reading. You need to understand a lot about other cultures and terminology and physics when it's done in outer space and when you're consulting maps done by a species that measures things in "smurbs" and refuses to tell you how long a smurb is. That and the GUD is pretty desperate for capable spacefarers with just how many vessels they have to keep staffed.

The Tideturner's an old and classy vessel, though, and we had some time to get our bearings (that's a little navigator joke for you, captain's log) on some rudimentary missions. Diplomatic dinners, simple but vital delivery runs, security jobs overseeing treaty updates... boring but important political work. Once we had that, Captain Varn told us that we were being reassigned to The Veil. Or rather, we were assigned to go through it.

The Veil is the weirdest, darkest part of the universe. It's this dense red mist that no scanners or visuals can penetrate, and shield technology has only just gotten complex enough that it can withstand the pressure involved in breaking through it. As vast as the GUD's reach is to countless planets and species, we have almost no information on what's on the other side of The Veil. We've even had reports of newly discovered species of intelligent life.

And that's sort of how I ended up in command... Captain Varn lead a scouting party onto the surface of the first uncharted planet we found. "Planet Varn" as he called it in his creative egotism was populated by lava people that lived under the surface and burst out with a little too much enthusiasm. Despite a lot of screaming and laser beams, that's how Captain Barnes came into power. Barnes encountered a strange black and white vessel that requested to board. Captain Barnes agreed to instead meet in two smaller docking pods in a middle ground. It was a smart call in the end, but going to see them personally was not so much. The psychic parasite race of the kreek took over the captain's mind and body and she was deemed unfit to lead.

A couple more battlefield promotions later and here I am; navigator to captain after a few horrible alien encounters. Even as captain of the ship, I'm in a position with both more freedom and more constraints. If it were really up to me, I'd turn us around and go back to known space, but our mission's parameters override anything of the sort; we're to explore new territories, catalog our travels, and most importantly, assimilate other races and cultures to the side of GUD.

Let history show I wasn't a striking or inspiring captain; I'm lightweight, six feet tall and with boring brown hair. It's grown out longer than most of the captains you'll see, given that I never had any actual military experience. I kept to my post with my star maps and scanners where people would hardly even look at me. I still have old-fashioned glasses; I never got the optimizing surgery between getting used to them and just being so busy with my job. Our head med-tech Doctor Paluhk gave me shit about it (with "all due respect") as soon as he noticed, which was only once I got promoted to vice-captain.

"Captain, we're receiving a hail." I was taking a breather in the captain's quarters when Dawn showed up. Things were slow enough over the last few Earth-days that I was able to slip back to my room and get my breathing back under control. Dawn was a sweet golorian woman and our communications officer. Her kind had these big, blue shining eyes that while a bit far apart on her face, they combined with her soft orange hair and bright pink skin to make them look pretty non-threatening. Her broad upper body gave her some wide shoulders and four hefty breasts that her uniform shirt didn't do much to conceal. She was quite pretty, all things considered, until you got to her waist. Her hips were a fat, almost spherical piece that had four long, needly legs that made these faint tapping noises on every surface she stepped on. It's a little strange to watch in action, but one of the first things they taught you back in grade school is the rule of interspecies courtesy: don't stare. And f you have to stare, stare once and do it long enough that you never do it again.

"Tell me it's not a declaration of war," I replied as I got out of bed and picked up my glasses.

Dawn giggled and raised a device, projecting a hologram of a text message, followed by its translated version. "It seems that the zomborgs of Zomberan have extended an offer to visit their homeworld."

"Alright," I said thoughtfully. "So what's the most polite way we can turn them down?"

Dawn chuckled again. I was never certain how much she'd realized my incompetence, or how much of her laugh was at me or the situation. "Actually, captain, this is one of the few races we know anything about. The zomborgs have proven helpful to GUD search parties on several previous missions." She pulled up another holo, this time an image of your standard zomborg. It was a misshapen humanoid, resembling a person who had been through a burning car crash and walked out pretending they were fine. Some pieces of metal were visible poking out of its flesh, acting as armor or bones as it slumped slightly to one side. The weight of its arm cannon must have caused it to be off balance.

"They don't look peaceful. But we know we can't trust everything by the surface," I admitted.

"Not when there's lava people living under the surface," Dawn agreed. I snickered. "Too soon?" she asked warily.

"No, just soon enough," I complied. "Alright. Tell them we'll stop by. Check our records for what we need and what we can trade before dipping into our accounts."

"Right away, captain." Dawn smiled brightly and scuttled off, tinkering with her MD (multi-purpose device; our standard-issue mini computer for communications, portable scanning, emergency force fields, and I don't even know what else). She walked the same hall as me, but her wide body didn't hinder me any as she just starts scuttling along the wall and then the ceiling instead of getting in my way. "Who should I request to attend?"

"Get me Vawk and Teeg," I answered quickly. "And you of course, for when I inevitably screw this up. Otherwise, whoever you think should go along."

"You're not going to screw this up, captain," Dawn giggled. "It's almost as routine as you can get."

"Just leave it to me to say the wrong thing to their queen," I muttered as I popped out my own MD to skim through my intel on their species.

"Oh, do NOT speak to the queen," Dawn said sternly. "Their species is built around cranial implants for communication. Common speech is permitted for diplomatic purposes, but their hierarchy is so intense that speaking to their queen is like some sort of blasphemy to them."

"Duly noted," I said, leaving myself a reminder on my data about that. "Nice work saving me from that before we even touch the surface."

"Think nothing of it, captain. I'll go get the others." She scuttled by with her round, weird crab booty wobbling past my head. She was still messing with her MD but she still came to visit me personally for the message. As good as she was with communications and all, I feel like she got her role by being so darn personal.

Vawk and Teeg were ready at the dropship by the time I arrived. Jennifer Teeg was a tall woman, one of the original cloneboomers judging by her records. She had some short thick black hair and stood a few inches taller than me, and certainly packed more muscle than I ever could. The cloneboomers were remnants from a human colony that went a little overboard with early cloning tech. We got a lot of the medical knowhow that we have today from them, but they caused a fuss a few generations ago when they cloned an army of obedient super soldiers. Once they were taken down, there was a big hubub about the morality of using or executing clone soldiers until they were just incorporated into the GUD. They're basically extra active people who turn into adrenaline junkies if they're left idle for too long (so retiring them was out of the question). It's why technically speaking, Teeg is the ship's head cook to keep her busy, but I've seen her break up a fight in her mess hall faster than the security officers could arrive.

Vawk is in a similar boat in his own way. He's four feet with four arms (little biology joke there, log), so he's small, squat and able to shoot and punch at least twice as fast as anybody else. He's a high-ranking security officer, one of the skull-crackers and bouncers of the ship. He has some ice-blue skin with some bumps and ridges along the surface that make his species ideal for taking bumps and falls while they learned to climb the trees of the unguat homeworld. A narrow and toad-like face pokes out of his armored uniform, three narrow red eyes blinking out of sync so at least one was always open. Between my three cohorts, I hoped we showed some diversity (and the flexibility of the GUD uniforms).

"Ya goot an' plans fer ween it geet ogly, me cop?" Vawk asked in his thick-tongued dialect of Universal Common.

"It's not going to get ugly, Vawk," I said as I stepped into the pod. "It's a fuckin' dinner. That's why our trusty chef is coming along."

"I sooooo hope it gets ugly." Jen's eyes lit up and she smiled. It was a smile I only saw on her face when she was either fighting or thinking about fighting. Technically only me and Vawk had any practical laser-arms on us, but I trusted she wouldn't need one to raise some hell when she was needed.

"It won't get ugly," Dawn added firmly. "If we stay courteous, the zomborgs may even agree to sign on with the ranks of the Division. It would make for a priceless foothold beyond The Veil."

"Fethol’s dun' nee ta have so menna people on'um," Vawk gurgled bitterly. In hindsight, I might have been a little paranoid about bringing along two of my deadlier crewmates on this peace mission. In further hindsight, I think I was being pretty reasonable after what happened to my predecessors. The landing went smoothly, touching down on the surface of a planet the color of flesh that was just beginning to rot. More of the zomborgs were waiting for us, each of them misshapen as if they were individually built. From all I read, they basically were in a kind of ant-hive meets horrible flesh factory kind of way. Zomborgs were grown or built, not birthed.

"Excellent greetings onto you, Division kin." A tall one with long, boney limbs stood in front of the rest, what looked like a large respirator wedged into where a mouth would go. It hissed his words like they were being pushed through some medical device, and only GUD training kept me from panicking or staring. I maintained contact with his one good eye.

"We appreciate your hospitality," I said, glancing at my comrades to double check that I wasn't blowing it already. "It’s a pleasure to meet you. I’m Captain Colinger of the Galaxy United Division.”

“Very good,” the flesh creature said. 

“Yes, the GUD gets that a lot.” That joke is basically the second thing they teach you at the academy; GUD is good. Dawn giggles at it every time. The zomborg nodded with his whole upper body as if he gets it but doesn’t laugh. Maybe he wasn’t spawned to be able to laugh. Maybe it’s not a great joke. “So you’re here to take us to the queen?”

“Precise yes,” the speaker zomborg confirmed. He lurched around on his weird stilty legs and led us off the big brown structure in the near distance, leaving our crews to swap a few extra supplies.It was set up like a castle in its overall structure, its halls deep and towers tall. I wasn’t sure what it was made of until I set foot on it. The whole place had a mild smell to it, not quite foul but pretty obvious. It smelled like a shoe store I used to go to back at my training station. There’s a faint amount of give and stretch to everything as we step or bush against anything. It was like they built their whole structure out of tons of leather, and given how their species worked, it wasn’t a big stretch to think that they used the same organic material they did to build their people as they did their castle. A little ghoulish, but not the worst thing you could run into out in the universe.

While the building itself looked tall and regal, the inside was pretty sparse. Almost no decorum at all beyond a few basic carvings in the pillars. They bring us to a dining room where their queen is seated at the head. She… honestly looks like a giant cocoon. There were creases along the wide tube that stood about 10 feet tall, towering over the biggest of us present. Several burly zomborgs were present near her, soldiers and servants alike to come off as harmless while not putting their queen at risk. We sat in the “leather” chairs that were admittedly pretty comfortable if not for the freshly-baked cow scent.

There were never any words from the zomborg queen’s pod beyond some dull gurgling noises. Their speaker translated that she was glad to be helpful and hospitable towards such helpful forces in their part of the galaxy, which makes a lot of sense considering that everything else we’ve met has been either deadly or outright malicious. I guess even some of the aliens in this nasty corner of the stars could use an ally. 

“Well,” I started but I quickly redirected my eyes to the speaker before addressing the queen herself. “Tell her that we’d be glad to maintain this relationship in the distant future. It’s, uh… really cool of her.” Unprofessional, but diplomatic. I could see something metal in the speaker’s skull blinking a few times before he raised his head again.

“Your wishes are shared with our honorated queen of flesh. She offers to bless you with shared consumption of nutrients in her presence.”

I almost jumped after the creepy way of offering a meal when something clunked down next to me. I looked over to see that a wiry zomborg set down a glass cylinder full of tan and pink sludge lined with metal next to each of us. I look warily towards Dawn, but she already has Vawk scanning it with his MD. 

“Is a rate sconty,” the unguat reported. “Bot is nom fillae toxin.” One of his arms snatched up his cup/beaker and dumped some into his wide mouth, licking it clean with his long tongue. “Snobad, netter.”

Fearless as ever, Jen grabbed hers and took a testing gulp. She actually smiled and took a longer pull, almost chugging it down. I figured it must be alright, but Dawn and I fail to contain a grimace. It’s basically just a protein fluid, so it almost tastes like I’m drinking somebody else’s mouth. “Oh great inventors!” Jennifer gushed joyously. “It’s perfect. It’s just like they fed us back in the vats. Have you guys ever considered adding a little bit of iron in here?” our killer cook asked, turning to the speaker zomborg.

“We attempt to provide all necessary nutriciums to our subjects,” he hissed back. “We would be glad to consult your biological recommendations.”

“Oh yea. From one test-tube baby to another, I’d love to swap notes!” 

I hadn’t considered the benefit of bringing another artificial person on the job, but Jen really was pulling her weight as she schmoozed with the spooky cyborg. I slip in a few hints about the Division, trying not to press it too hard while I’m nursing my protein sludge. They’re being surprisingly civil but I can’t help but stay a little jumpy and treat diplomacy with the flesh mutants rather carefully. 

I had choked down most of my dinner goo when I saw a wide hole opening up in the floor on the far side of the room. It wasn't a trap door so much as it just sort of gave up and retracted. It didn't come anywhere near us, but one of them must have seen me staring. "The queen controls all assets of our society. Portions of her infinite consciousness is infused into every subject, every bio-structure we create. She command every last orifice of the castle at will.”

"Very... progressive," I try. "So what's that hole do?"

"The queen wished to act as a proper hostess and provide some entertainment while your men resupply. She constructed a pair of gladiatorius entities to battle for your amusement. We understand that your Earth planet once engaged in such sport."

"Uh... sort of. In times almost forgotten. But we appreciate the gesture!"

"Alright!" Jen shouted excitedly. "A fight pit! I'm in!"

"Wait, I don't think they meant for us to-" I start, but Vawk finished the last of his jug of sludge.

"Naw iffa get inda furs, ye fumless brose!"

"Put your fists where your giant mouth is, toadie!" Jen laughed as the two of them rushed over and jumped into the flesh pit. I sighed and followed close enough to peer over the edge. There were two massive, lumpy zomboids, one with a flamethrower for an arm and another with a buzzsaw in his chest. Jen had the flamethrower one in a headlock while Vawk was zipping around buzzsaw's legs and scaling up his back like some oversized cockroach from Planet Hel. They didn't look like they'd get especially hurt and looked like they were having fun.

"I order you to not die down there," I called down to them after letting them brawl for a little while. There was another sound of shifting flesh beside me and I looked over to see that a piece of the floor had moved next to me, carrying my protein-drink atop a raised bulge. Another extension of the queen's powers to be hospitable and see that I finished my meal. Gross, but polite. "Oh. I see. Thank you, your highness."

I swear that the entire palace throbbed around me. The walls flexed and the floor rippled as every zomborg in earshot made some sort of feeble noise. A wet gasp or a shrill wheeze came from all of them and the guards came rushing at me. "OH JEEZ I WAS TALKING TO THE SPEAKER I SWEAR!" I bravely shrieked as I clumsily tried to both run and curl up into a ball. Combat training was not my biggest priority in the navigation program. I still threw up my MD and tagged one of the zomborgs with a stun shot before they seized me roughly by the arms.

"UNHEARD OF!" the speaker boomed so loud his voice crackled. "No other zomborgs speak to the queen! Your audacity is unlike any recorded in mili-decades!"

"Captain!" Dawn yelped, scuttling towards me when a flesh wall grew out of the ground and cut her off. She still climbed over it quickly before it sealed her off completely. "This is all a big misunderstanding, I'd be glad to explain that-"

"We shall not hear your explains!" the speaker boomed.

"PLEASE HEAR! YES PLEASE HEAR HER OUT!" I babbled. I could just see someone would be announcing my demise to the crew like they had the rest of the captains before me, leaving them as nothing but a crossed off name on the roster and a corpse abandoned on some other planet. The zomborgs seemed to freeze for a second as they held onto me, pulling me along another direction deeper into the castle.

"To the queen's chambers! She shall see you receive your treatment fitting your outrageous courageness!" A couple of guards got in between me and Dawn. She starts zapping them with stun rounds like I had, since the zomborgs don't seem especially offended when you take out one of their drones. They can always grow more, as long as you don't go for the queen (or talk to her, apparently).

I end up dragged off screaming and thrashing until they throw me into a room. It's weird because it's an actual room. Not a flesh box, but with stone tile floors and a massive bed. There's even some paintings of zomborg battles and landscapes of oceans that couldn't possibly be on this planet. I'm confused enough to stop thinking about wetting myself, eyes roaming over what looks like an actual bedroom from an actual castle. The fleshy doorway parts as it awkwardly secretes the cocoon of a queen into the room and I shudder, wondering how fast it will take her to eat me or turn me into more protein for her swarm with a death ray. It sounds fitting for a captain of the Tideturner at this rate.

Instead, the cocoon just sat there. It shuddered in place for a few seconds, a cracking and squishing sound coming from inside. I almost wondered if she was trying to talk to me when it opened down the front like a perfectly cleaved apple. A woman stepped out... like an actual woman, not a zombie or a flesh lump like everything else at this place. Not 100% human, of course. She had some creases and lines in her skin, not quite wrinkles so much as numerous folds that create an almost tattooed pattern along her body. Her blue eyes were slightly glassy, but she smiled with perfect teeth and pouty lips. She wore some strange, fine white cloak and nothing else, the clasp matched right over a large pair of perky breasts. The material looked like real fabric, which was almost absurd after all the flesh-punk material I'd seen used. Long rust-colored hair ran down her back in some fat, complex kind of braid. She had long, slender legs that notable came together on a wide set of hips but no genitalia to speak of.

"So this is what you look like in person," the nearly nude woman purred, looking me over with her creamy blue eyes. "I do apologize for the rough treatment. I do have appearances to keep up, after all."

"Yes..." I started, but I quickly turned my head away to stare at the ceiling. "I mean... if anyone happens to be in here, I would politely ask that they don't do me or my crew any harm because of my hapless mistake!"

The smaller version of the queen laughed as she stepped over to me, offering me a hand. "You are such a curious and colorful human," she mused, a charmed smile across her face in what is easily the most expressive look I've seen on a zomborg. "Not like the stiff captains who came here before, all business and protocol. I have my drones for that. You, though... never has a human been so brave as to speak to me." I swallow hard, daring to look back at her as she wrapped her hands around my waist. "I find it charming. Would you do it again?"

"Uh... yes? I'd be glad to address you, your highness. That makes things much easier." I swear her eyes rolled back in her head as she shuddered, making her curvaceous royal body shake against me.

"Such blasphemous behavior!" she moaned, licking her lips. "I have spawned war heroes who would never dare to address me so boldly! You must be a being of legend among your kind!"

I stared back at her, shocked that my ability to hold a conversation was blowing her royal mind. She pushed her breasts into me and I could feel hard nipples prodding my chest. "I'm honestly just a navigator. At least, in training. I got promoted because the six officers above me died in duty." She grunted and wrapped one of her legs around my waist, pressing her groin against me like the rest of her. She bit her lip and I started to think my talking was the only reason she wasn't kissing me. "I'm twenty-six E.Y. old and I was born and raised on the Cephela station. I have a younger brother back home and a big sister who's stationed back at Primary."

I start listing off basic information about myself and things I know and I can't describe it any other way; she was getting off on my talking to her. She moaned and writhed and soon had me pinned on the bed. Her robe hung over both of us, leaving nothing between us as I babbled my life story. If giving her information was keeping me alive, I'd be happy to, but she had exposed herself from her cocoon and made no efforts to disarm me. I think I was in the clear. I'm telling her about my pet qork back home when she mounts my hips and starts rubbing her chest, roughly groping and bouncing her heavy breasts in her hands.

"I have never known anyone so deeply," she moaned, shaking so badly that some drool falls between her cleavage and onto my uniform. It was like my conversation was fucking her silly as the busty alien ground on top of me. As strange as it was, I'm still a red-blooded human. My hardon was pulsing between her anatomically questionable legs. "The intricacies of your life... you have such a deep and passionate history! Tell me more about your school days!" she wailed as if she was asking me to smack her ass and pull her hair. "How do humans teach things?"

"Well I had this one math teacher who I had a crush on when I was twelve..." The queen howled in pleasure at that, squeezing so hard that her breasts molded around her fingers like lumps of clay before sliding back into place when she eased up.

"Wait... please... go on, but first..." She mounted her hands on the mattress behind me, staring into my eyes as her breasts dangled against my chest. "I wish for you to exchange pleasure sensors with me while you tell me your eventful life like I'm some kind of therapist whore."

I blinked in surprise, but no matter how you look at it, she's an attractive woman. So for the sake of politics... "So uh... I feel the need to tell you I have a penis..."

"I am well aware," she purred, grinding her hips against me and starting to unbutton my pants.

"And so where do you keep your... sex organs?"

"Where do you want them to be?"

Boy the mind went racing at that one. You hear odd things about kemwats and their internal genitalia under their second skeleton and the fintik with their dual mouths mounted where their nipples would be, but I panicked. I didn't feel like learning an entirely new position unknown to humanity just for the sake of zomborg diplomacy just yet. "Between the legs is fine," I squeaked. She stepped off the bed to pull my pants down, and with more of the faint squishing noises, she shapeshifted a vagina right where I'd expected. Technically a little more to the right than I thought, but that just felt greedy to point that out.

She mounted me and it was absurdly snug. Not that she was tight so much as it molded to the shape of my cock. Every vein and crevice was clutched tight in her shapeshifting snatch, and she grunted as she rode on top of me. Her feminine body proved surprisingly strong as she rode my dick, breasts bouncing so much that I helpfully squeezed them while she held my chest for balance. She really was ridiculously soft. That same subtle give of their literal flesh walls was there and then some, where I could shape it into whatever my fingers pressed into her and let it slowly ooze back into shape. It might have been the fear, but I wasn't going to last long inside her now. I decide to try and play what I hoped was a trump card.

"I haven't told you about how I lost my virginity," I offered breathlessly.

"No!" the queen gasped, arching her back and making a face like I'd punched her in the stomach. "You wouldn't! You filthy human sex god of perfect secrets!" I take that as a compliment.

"It was this cute toshan girl. Real shy, but a cute set of horns and this raised tail that made her ass look so fat... and this perfect set of tits." The queen descends into witless groans, drooling over herself as I see her breasts and hips inflate and grow heavier against my skin, as if trying to match my story. Her lips curl like she's trying to talk but can't spare the mental power as she listens to my embarrassing story. "After we started making out, she was sitting in my lap when I came just five minutes into it." The queen let out a short scream as her pussy clenched around me, squeezing hard and pulsing like she was jerking me off with nothing but her slit, showing her masterful control of her body just like the speaker said. She was obviously close as I pinched and pulled on her nipples, making her shake even harder. If she spent all her time inside her pod, it's no wonder that she's not used to being touched as well as hearing people's' private lives.

"Oh my... oh my, you honest slut of a man!" the queen moaned. I start to pump her harder.

"It was so embarrassing. We just kept giggling and she started to make tease me, and that just got me hard again but it was so wet and sensitive she couldn't get a grip on it. So we're just these awkward academy students fumbling around with no idea what we're-"

"Save it!" The queen suddenly pulled off of me, a wet sucking sensation that makes me cum on the spot. I shudder and squirt over my thighs while she turns and shoves her pussy into my face. "Whisper your filthy secrets to my pleasure sensors, you filthy, frank fuck!" She lacks the leathery smell of the rest of her world, just... faintly sweet and musky. She just might be the only genuinely alive and birthed creature among the zomborgs, all things considered. I took a tentative lick and she tasted like some sweet meat, slick with her excited juices while a faint salty flavor from my precum inside her. I mumble out some more embarrassing stories, trying to brush my lips and tongue as deeply as I can. There's no apparent clitoris inside her, no matter how deep I go, but she could probably create her g-spot anywhere she wanted at this point. She howls in pleasure and shakes as she squirted over my mouth, a heavy mess that must have been decades of built up arousal. Maybe even centuries.

"SAREGG, MEGOP!" Even with the queen's oversized ass over my face, I could hear and recognize Vawk's accent even more slurred than usual. I peered around the queen's cheeks to see him wielding all five of his weapons; one blaster in each fist and a laser-blade grasped in his extended tongue. Jen was beside him, covered in loose flesh and blood with a manic grin on her face. She clutched the severed arm of one of the zomborgs, complete with a functional plasma launcher attached to the forearm. Dawn barged in right behind them, just to blush and whirl right back around to scuttle out.

I let out a muffled excuse that made the queen shudder again. My bodyguards looked between me and the open cocoon before Jen's grin turned to a more playful one. "Oh. Ohhhhh! Nice one, captain! Great way to burn your calories!"

The queen calmly slid off my face, smiling at her new guests as I gasped for fresh air. "It wasn't my plan when we started, Officer Teeg! I can safely say nothing about this went as planned!"

"And I have never been so glad to say so myself!" the zomborg queen chimed happily. "Such wonderful guests you have all been! So passionate and open!"

Jen and Vawk swapped glanced before the unguat reeled in his tongue and switched off his blade, tucking it into his belt. "Oi, well win ye poffered the foitin' lads t'us, woulta been right scordy if'n it weren't for de cop gettin' all aggled off 'n wot git'all."

When the queen stared long enough I sat up and wiped off my mouth before fixing my pants. "He said he liked the fighting until I got kidnapped," I translated. "You get used to unguathian once you spend a few months out in space with them. You should hear his sister when she goes off..."

"So are we okay?" Dawn called from the other side of the busted down door. "Do we no longer have an incident?"

The queen smiled widely. "Not at all! In fact, you were mentioning something about your Division looking for allies out here. I think someone who would recruit such a passionate and honest man deserves such allies as the zomborgs."

I could hear a little "yessss" hissed out by Dawn while Jen clapped me chummily on the shoulder. "Hear that, boss?! You fucked yourself an ally for the whole damn galaxy! Which..." She looked embarrassed. "Might not be as valuable as they once were..."

"Teeg?" I pressed with a furrowed brow.

"The zomborgs put up a fight and all, but there were only so many and you know... me and Vawk are kind of a pair of mother fuckers in the battlefield, and we were sort of pumped up from the fight pit..."

"Teeg, did you two kill all of the zomborg species in five minutes?" I asked like a scolding parent.

"Little bit?" she squeaked. Fortunately, the queen laughed.

"Oh those are easy enough to replace. And my swarms on the other worlds are perfectly safe, so I can comfortably rebuild here while my others support you however we can. Just so long as I can to have some conversations with Captain Colinger here," she purred, hugging me tightly and kissing me on the cheek. "So many silly secrets to be heard..."

"Uh... yea. Sure. I'd be fine with that. Dawn, can you get the signatures together to finalize the alliance? I'm uh... I'm gonna go take a shower and change my uniform."

"So what secrets did she mean, captain?" Teeg asked, elbowing me as she escorted me back to the ship.

"Nothing you're going to hear about, Teeg," I sighed, but I winked at the super soldier chef. She's crass, but not a bad person by any means. "Not without a few drinks in me anyway. Alcoholic ones. Not protein goop again."

Things were sorted out with the zomborgs quite promptly, and soon I was back on track shooting through space with a fresh pair of pants on. Dawn came back to my room later with a full report on the situation, and that the crew was pretty thrilled to hear that their captain had come back alive for once. Overall, a lot more successful than I was planned.

"So... about when you were kidnapped..." Dawn finally approached the subject, starting to blush across her pink skin in this deep scarlet.

"Oh. Apparently she never had anyone talk to her, and basically words and eye contact became like dirty talk for her. It drove her crazy and she... well, mounted me."

"I see. So you're not... invested in her? Or infected or wishing to stay with her at all?"

"What? No, no! I was kind of just thinking on my feet once I fucked things up. I was as shocked as you were, really. Not that I don't appreciate all of you rescuing me from the sex and all."

"Right," Dawn laughed, her blush starting to fade. "I'm sorry if it's intruding to ask."

"No, trust me. It's a load off my chest that somebody knows." I flashed her a smile and shake my head. "It's why I need you around as my interspecies communications expert to keep me from screwing things up like that again."

"Of course, sir!" she chimed. "Always by your side. Which reminds me." She held out a hand and I looked at it quizzically. "The crew wants to hold a celebration in your honor. For The Tideturner's first acquisition to the GUD and your first successful mission. With the captain's approval, of course."

I laughed and took her hand, hopping out of bed and walking by her faintly tinkling crab legs. "Party in my honor approved," I agreed. It felt like my first smart decision I'd made as the ship's captain.