Twas A Catfight Before Christmas (Patreon)

Well it’s legally December now, so fair to star this month’s voted stories and fair to post Christmas stuff. With the tidal wave of votes this one got, felt right to throw it out quickly. I ended up periodically pausing to think of toys that would be suitably dangerous as minor weapons but ended up using Christmas decorations more, as well as thematic trash talk. Slightly disappointed I couldn’t find a good use for “chestnuts roasting in your mother’s mouth…”

I also went through a bunch of possible protagonists for this one. Sam X is a very old idea I’ve had for evil sexy Santa from when I designed an Anti-Christmasland for an rpg. The heroine went through a lot of ideas for a little while, from being a regular cop stopping the robbery, Mrs. Claus, or an angry mother, but think this one ended up being the most interesting.

It was that time again for holiday cheer.

The wonderful time at the end of the year.

When the snow falls down and the pine trees are set up

With cocoa and marshmallow fill every cup

It was Christmas, of course, that made everyone sing.

When sleighs would go by letting their sleigh bells ring.

When gifts and love were on everyone's mind.

When everyone remembered to be generous and kind.

But there was one woman who hated it all.

Who dreaded the season from Sprint to Fall.

She was not quite a human. No Krampus, elf nor witch.

She was a thieving cruel beauty known to some as "That bitch."

Sam X, she was called, for she was the opposite of Xmas.

She stole and she hated anyone who would witness

Her wicked deeds that would shock and appall.

But this year she'd decided she'd steal Christmas from all.

Samantha X snickered to herself as she fastened the bundle of packages to her drone. It hummed to life and floated out the chimney, delivering the stolen presents into her unmarked van. While technically supernatural (a distant cousin of the Krampus, technically speaking; depending how you viewed the lore), she knew better than to go flying around on a magic sleigh. That was how you got caught. Real breaking and entering was all about subtlety, not magic. She stuffed the Christmas tree up the chimney, letting the drone pull it out for her as she slipped back up it, sitting on the edge of the chimney top and crossing her legs. "Fuck am I good at this..."

Sam was a slim woman with long dark hair, a polar opposite of Santa. She lurked at the South Pole, but somehow kept a healthy tan. Her skimpy black and red leather outfit ended at brown, high-heeled thigh-highs. She thumbed her black-painted lips (done for stealth as much as to look good for any children or their daddies who should wake up and find her uncomfortably attractive self). "Alright. Next house. Ohhh M.A.X.?"

The van flashed its headlights as the autopilot took over, driving in front of the next house and waiting to deploy the drones on her command. Sammy hopped over to the next roof with a casual hum before cramming her slender but chesty figure down the chimney.

It was another house like all the rest as far as she was concerned. Far too bright and colorful and happy. She sneered at the half-eaten cookies and milk set out with a letter, all for Santa. Sam X shook her head and produced her bottomless sack she called The Spirit of Taking. Santa had already been there, and it was a large and well-behaved family judging by all the presents. She snatched one up and had hardly put it into her bag when someone cleared their throat. She turned and grabbed a large plastic candy cane, brandishing it like a club in case it was an unwelcome intruder. It certainly was, though not the one she was expecting.

Carol Claus was a fairly unknown figure, but she her lineage was unmistakable. The lovely white-haired woman looked somewhere in her early thirties. She wore glasses and a serious expression on her face despite her frilly red and white attire. She wore high black boots and a red skirt and coat, each trimmed with fluffy white. Her frost-colored hair was tied back in a practical ponytail that rested on her shoulder as she glared grimly at Sam.

"Oh! It's just Christmas Carol," Samantha laughed. She rested her candy cane on her shoulder. "And here I thought I was in any sort of danger. Don't mind me, dear."

"No so fast, Sam X!" Santa's daughter marched up to Sam and grabbed her by the wrist. "Stealing presents? Non-magical breaking and entering? I heard there was some non-merriness going around tonight, but you're in for it now."

"Oh yea? With who?" Sam scoffed.

Carol produced a shiny gold star badge (complete with a little Christmas tree coming out of the bottom). "With the Chief of Christmas Security! I've been making security sweeps for the last half a century and catching Scrooges like you."

"Oh so daddy gave you a cushy job?" Sam teased with a wicked grin. "How many times did you have to sit on his lap for that one?"

"Cute, Sam. Now you're coming with me to the North Pole before I-"

Carol gasped as Samantha suddenly swung her oversized candy cane, slamming the hooked end into the Claus' crotch. The blonde's eyes went wide as her legs crossed, cupping her groin as she crumbled to her knees. "Well that was fun," Samantha noted in a chipper tone. "M.A.X.? Get the lockup ready. We have an unexpected passenger that will be joining us that we don't want squealing to the holiday cheer squad."

She went for the gifts again but she stumbled as Carol caught her by the ankle. Sam looked down just before the blonde growled and tackled her around the waist, sending them both bouncing off the tree in a clatter of tinsel and ornaments before they fell to the floor. "I'm not going down that easy, you grinchy bitch!" Carol growled.

"Then you're stupider than you look!" Sam snapped as she grabbed a nearby present. She swung it heavily to smack against Carol's head, knocking her back off of the holiday thief. While the blonde was reeling, Sam grabbed two ends of a string of Christmas lights and looped them around her neck. She pulled up on both ends until Carol was gagging from the cable pulled across her throat. "Lights out, princess!" Sam snarled as Carol's tongue dropped out of her mouth amidst her thrashing. Carol pulled at the wires, letting herself get at least a minimal amount of air down her throat. Her other hand pawed around for another present, only for her fingers to punch right through the wrapping paper. She heard a metallic ting as her nails hit something solid, realizing what she'd found.

Carol quickly tore open the present and revealed the newest model of frying pan, no doubt meant for mom. That would have to take the backseat for now as Carol swung the pan behind her, the rewarding CLANG sounding as Sam X took the blow to the head and let her go.

"AGH! I can't believe you fucking Home Aloned me!" Sam groaned as she rubbed her head.

"I'll do way worse to you if you keep resisting arrest!" Carol snapped, taking another swing. This one flattened one of Sam X's tits, getting a winded grunt from the holiday fiend. Sam crawled away from her, cradling her aching breast as she snatched an ornament off the tree and flung it at Carol. She dodged around it and the next one, catching Sam by the collar of her leather attire. Sam just lashed right back at her and tore her fluffy red coat open, exposing her lacey green bra that held back her hefty milk jugs.

"Oh my! Aren't you supposed to dress in layers this season?" Samantha taunted. Carol blushed and tried to pull her coat shut, but Sam grabbed the nearby glass of milk and threw its contents all over Carol's face and chest. "That feel familiar, you Santa slut?" Samantha mocked as Carol stood there sticky and shocked. Sam quickly smacked the frying pan out of her hands and twirled her glass around, smashing it to bits over Carol's head. The blonde hit the floor, the glass thankfully caught by her thick silvery hair but leaving her dazed nonetheless.

"So long as we're opening presents early," Samantha mused, grabbing one of the longer gifts. She tore it open, hoping for a bat or a hockey stick to beat her opponent with, but instead she found some novelty crocodile toy. "Huh... not what I was expecting... but it'll do!" Sam X grabbed Carol by her bra and pulled, lifting her to her feet while forcing her tits to spill out from underneath. Sam rammed the Chompo-Gator toy's mouth against one of her breasts and smashed the button down, making its plastic teeth bite into her tit and nipple.

"EEEEEE! FUCK! You rotten bitch! Fuck you with a thirty-nine and a half foot pole!" Carol ranted, trying to pull the biting toy off of her.

"Sounds like a good time to me!" Sam laughed, swinging the toy around to send Carol crashing into the nearby wall. Carol wrestled with the chomping toy before she felt her shoulder brush against a festive wreath. She grabbed the leafy ring and slammed it over Sam X's head. While it didn't hit her hard, the holly leaves scratched her chest while pinning her arms to her side like a straight jacket.

"What the shit!?" Sam growled as Carol finally pulled the toy from her tit (which was now red as Rudolph's nose and had a bunch of teeth marks).

"I keep telling you. I've been dealing with punks like you for ages. When you steal Christmas, you answer to me!" Carol boasted. She grabbed another present while Sam struggled with the surprisingly solid wreath. Carol grinned at her present; a small but solid pair of bright blue boxing gloves. "Looks like little Jason's getting into boxing. I better break them in for him."

"Wait! No!" Sam pleaded frantically, but Carol slid them on and punched her in the gut with the thick mitts.

"Why should I? You're just another ho!" Carol slugged her across the face, making the holiday thief stagger. "Ho! Ho!" she repeated, punching once more for each insulting word. Sam was stumbling drunkenly when Carol followed up with a huge uppercut. It send Sam X flying off her feet, crash-landing in the middle of another heap of presents that were strewn around the room in the wake of the catfighting holiday spirits.

Sam X propped herself up against the couch, leaning against it to pry the wreath off. It tore her top off as it got caught in the prickly leaves and branches, but she was too mad to care right now. Besides, Carol was throwing off her torn bra and sticky white coat as the warm and cozy room started to get hot and sweaty with all their exertion. She had to she the boxing gloves to get her coat off, but it felt worth it to beat the heat after she'd nearly KOed Samantha.

"You're coming with me now, X," Carol threatened as she reached into her skirt's pocket, pulling out a pair of peppermint handcuffs.

"Hey, be careful with those!" Sam X pleaded, scooting away from her attacker until she could rest her hand on another long present. "Otherwise..." she tore it open and produced its contents; a Red Ranger BB gun. Carol's mouth dropped open as she aimed the weapon right at her. "Or else you'll shoot your eye out!" Sam cackled, pulling the trigger. Sam shrieked and threw out her hands as the stinging little pellets struck all over her body. Her topless form left Sam with plenty of targets, though as she discovered, not a ton of shots in the toy gun. It clicked as it turned empty, a furious and largely unaffected Carol glaring at her.

The white-haired heroine marched towards her, but Sam twirled the bb gun around and rammed its stock into Carol's stomach. The Claus grunted and doubled over, which let Sam grab her by the hair and hurl her onto the couch. Sam straddled her back, raising the emptied toy gun and flipping up Carol's skirt before rapidly paddling her cheeks with the wooden butt of the gun.

Carol kicked and screamed, but Samantha held onto her hair and leaned on her back to keep her down. "Not so fast, you holiday whore!" Sam gloated. She ripped off the icy-haired woman's skirt, leaving just her in just her red and green-striped panties. "If you think your ass hurts now, wait until I'm done riding you like a Santa slut!"

Sam wedgied up Carol's panties, ignoring (or rather, savoring) her pained screamed as they nearly vanished into her ass and pussy. She kept up the paddling the bared cheeks until the thrashing Carol reached the nearby coffee table, grabbing a gingerbread man that was left out for the family in the morning. She twisted her upper body and rammed the cookie into the cackling Sam's mouth. She choked and grabbed her throat, allowing Carol to roll over and uppercut her in the jaw. There was a loud crunch, but the recoiling Samantha was relieved to see it was just the cooking breaking in half in her mouth. She rubbed her jaw as she spit out the pulpy cookie mess on the floor.

"Ugh! I always hated those things!" she wretched.

"That's because you have everything good in the world," Carol declared as she sat up, rubbing her sore behind. Sam turned to give her a bitter remark, but Carol had already grabbed a roll of spare wrapping paper and smacked her across the face with it. The hollow clunk of the cardboard was more stunning than painful, but sent the half-naked holiday thief reeling. Another whack sent her falling over the coffee table as Carol grabbed a nearby nutcracker in one hand. The other grabbed Sam X's leather panties and pulled them down, baring her neatly shaved pussy before shoving the wooden toy's mouth against her slit.

"NO! STOP!" Sam pleaded. "I'll do anyOWWWWWWWW!" She kicked and thrashed like a woman possessed as the grinning Carol clamped the nutcraacker's mouth around her clit.

"With a voice like that, you'd be terrible at caroling," the Claus daughter laughed at the tormented villainess. Sam grabbed blindly at the tree, snatching up a random present and swinging it to smash against Carol's face. With a brittle crack, it sent Carol crumbling to the ground in a heap.

"What the hell was that?" Sam wondered out loud as she carefully wrenched the nutcracker off of her groin. Her pussy was red and sore by the time it came off, but she opened the present to find a large crack down the middle of a "#1 Dad" mug. "Ugh. Good. It was tacky to begin with," Sam grunted, throwing it dismissively onto the couch. She got to all fours to start digging around under the tree again. "Now come on. Who got mommy a machete? Branding iron? I'll even take a slightly used handgun..."

She took one of the heavier gifts and tore it open, only to find an electric drill instead. "Well close enough," she decided, shrugging as she went back to the moaning Carol. She planted her heel on one of the Christmas cop's thighs and fired up the drill, its screwdriver head whirring loudly. "Wake up, skank. It's Christmas morning!" she cackled before ramming the power tool into the crotch of her panties. Carol sat up suddenly, screaming as the loud and painful vibration went off against her pussy. The fabric got tangled in the head, minimizing any actual damage, but that made her panties tangle up and fit even tighter inside her like a monstrous wedgie. The scraping head still scratched up her pussy as she hurriedly retreated, jumping right out of her panties as she clutched her aching crotch. Her fingers rubbed the tender flesh around her white pubic hair trimmed carefully into a simple Christmas tree shape.

"Would you look at that clit!" Sam X laughed evilly. "It's so fucking red! you could even say it glows!"

"You psycho bitch! You'll never ruin Christmas!" she shouted furiously.

"Watch me!" Samantha swung the butt of the drill at her head, but Carol ducked under it and tackled her to the floor. They rolled across the floor before reaching the tree, sending pine needles and  tinsel raining down on their naked bodies. They clawed and kneed at each other as Carol slapped the drill out of Sam's hands, but the brunette punched her across the face.

"How does THAT ring your jingle bells?" Sam snarled. Carol shoved her back and swung her leg up, kicking her in the mouth so hard that Sam recoiled clutching her face.

"You're going to need silver and gold for those teeth when I'm done with you!" Carol shouted back. She opened another large box in the corner of the tree, looking for something big enough to finish Samantha off. Instead, its contents barked and climbed clumsily out of its loose container. Carol smiled at the husky puppy that happily sniffed around her hips. Carol's wild demeanor instantly faded. "Awww. what are you doing here, cutie?" she cooed to the puppy. "You don't want to be around for-"

Sam suddenly swung one of the bigger stockings stuffed with toys to slam Carol on the face. She went down in a stunned heap as Sam climbed onto her back and emptied the stocking before pulled it over her face and yanking it backward. Carol gagged and gasped as the opening to the stocking dug into her throat and the thick fabric gave her already hot and choking face little space to breathe.

"This is what you get, you nosey little cunt!" Sam X snarled. "When you get soft, you fuck up! Then I beat your ass and turn your pussy into my own Christmas present!" One more present tucked far behind the tree caught her eye and Sam flashed a wicked grin. "Don't tell me..." she mused, dragging Carol along after her. The choking and sobbing Claus after pawed at her blinding trap as Sam grabbed and tore open the long package. Apparently mommy and daddy had gotten something just for them for when the kids went off to play with their toys. "Looks like Christmas came early for me, slut!" Sam X cackled as she took the large black dildo and rubbed it between Carol's ass cheeks. Carol gasped and screamed as she clawed at the stocking, but it was no use. She couldn't stop Samantha's slowly teasing hand from lowering the plastic cock and starting to ease it inside her pussy.

"OW! FUCK!" Sam suddenly jumped from the stinging pain in her ass. She looked behind her and glared at the growling, fluffy puppy that did its best to look intimidating. "You little shit! What do you think you're doing?" It barked at her and Sam put an irate fist on her hips, the dildo still stuck partway inside Carol's pussy. "Bark all you want! I'm the anti-Claus! The spirit of taking and greed! Believe me, you won't be the first puppy I've kicked!"

She started to consider if she was being too distracted when Carol shoved the stocking off of her head, sweating and red-faced but still gasping for air. "That's a good boy," she wheezed as Sam X whirled to see her victim had gotten back up. Carol reached for the fireplace as if trying to escape, but she grabbed at the stack of firewood beside it. Sam X stomped on Carol Claus' hand, getting an agonized scream out of her. Her free hand still grabbed a large lump of coal from the hearth and shoved her own big black insertion right up Sam's pussy. The rough and dirty lump left black smears up her thighs before vanishing inside her, getting an even louder pained howl from Sam as she tried to cross her legs.

"How do you like a little coal up your stocking, you naughty bitch!?" Carol shouted triumphantly. Tears came to Sam's eyes as she fumbled around her crotch, struck stupid by the amount of humiliating pain in her pussy. She hobbled around on her tiptoes while Sam grabbed her arms and spun her around. "And if that's not enough..." She grabbed Samantha by her thighs, grunting with effort as she lifted the thieving bitch off the floor. She spread her legs out wide before marching over to the 8-inch miniature Christmas tree set on one of the side tables. With a heavy swing, she dropped Sam down so hard that the top of the spiney tree rammed up her ass. Sam screamed herself hoarse as she fall to the floor, kicking and crying as she fumbled to remove the two painful insertions.

"Serves you right, you grinchy Scrooge of a bitch!" Carol shouted triumphantly down at her. She quickly found her peppermint cuffs and slapped them on Sam X.

"What's all that barking?" a small voice asked among the din. Carol froze as she heard the child's voice behind her, blushing as she realized she was bent over and mooning him while completely naked. At least the dildo had fallen out of her and out of sight before they had showed up. She spun around and did her best to cover herself up as the two kids stared at the messy sight.

"Oh. Hi, kids. I was just... inspecting some presents. Carol Claus, by the way! Head of Santa security..."

"Is that a puppy!?" the younger boy blurted. The barking husky pup ran up to him as the two quickly started to play together. The older boy kept staring at Carol, who realized she couldn't keep standing there covering up. She removed the hand from her breasts and forced the limp and sobbing Sam X to her feet.

"I had to bring down this perp to save your Christmas. I need to go and get back the gifts she stole before those families find out too. Here..." She found her fluffy coat and pulled it back on, covering up most of her shame as she handed him a card. "That's the direct line to Santa's workshop. If your parents ask, you can call him for compensation and repairs to anything we might have broken." The kid stared at the card and then back up at her again. Carol bit her lip as she avoided eye contact for a few seconds. "Soooo did you guys want to see the reindeer?"

They certainly did. Carol called down her security sleigh to let the kids pet the reindeer while she unloaded Sam X's unmarked van full of loot back into her cargo. Samantha was too battered to resist as a few elves shoved her into the deceptively large hatch in the back. "You guys have her under control back there?" Carol called to her elite team of SWAT elves.

"Oh yeah. We'll take good care of her," Holly assured their boss, letting a cruel smirk cross the busty little elf's face. “Make sure she’s reaaaaal jolly.”

"Yeah, we'll make sure she learns what we do to the REALLY naughty noes," Blinky added as he cracked his knuckles.

"Just ah... knock before you come in. Okay, boss?" Bulb added casually. He barely bothered getting out of sight of the children before he unzipped his pants and jumped in after Sam. Carol smirked at the horrified-looking Sam X just before she was pulled in and the sleigh's door shut. She was normally more fair and forgiving, but after what she put her through, she was willing to look the other way for a while. Besides she had work to do: saving Christmas.

And that was the year that a catfight saved Christmas.

With holiday cheer and crotch shots shared with us.

When Carol Claus showed us she would do what was right

And punch that bitch in the titty to save Christmas night.

She had more work to do before the night turned to day

So Carol put on some pants and got in her sleigh.

With the presents in tow and Sam X getting plowed

"A safe Christmas, dear readers!" Carol shouted out loud.