What If... Nightmærangers Was A Magical Girl Series? (Patreon)

"Bwahahahaha!" the weirdo with pastel-colored skin—pastel purple, if you were wondering—and vaguely military outfit complete with a peaked cap laughed villainously as the people who had found themselves trapped in the call center cubicle maze screamed, pounding on the doors and windows. Well, those close to the wacko, anyway. The rest stayed at their stations, nervously continuing their soulless, insincere customer service scripts despite the potential danger to their lives, because otherwise... their performance would be evaluated! "Scream all you want, foolish mortals! Scream and offer your dreams to the to Phantasm Empire! Dreamlings! Take their dreams while they're too busy doing their jobs to care about anything else. "

The Dreamlings, vaguely humanoid forms there were the black with flickering white static you see behind your eyelids, moved with creepy, unnatural smoothness. People recoiled away from them as they approached, raising their arms defensively as the Dreamlings raised their hands. However, rather than being grabbed, people began to hear voices in their ear.

"You can't become an astronaut son, our country doesn't have a space program."

"A firefighter? Why? The don't make any money. You'll never be able to support yourself that way. "

"Son, be realistic, there's no money in being a writer. How are you going to make a living?"

"Look, you need to be realistic.... instead of being an archaeologist, why don't you become an accountant?"

"How are you going to become president? You need to be already rich to become president. And given how the last two women presidents turned out, no one is going to vote for you..."

Slowly, people lowered their arms, and only then did the dreamlings touch them. gently, almost tenderly, the Dreamlings led them to their office chairs, giving them back their headsets, which call center workers put on listlessly. The workers began accepting calls, the fake smiles as empty as usual as they went through their meaningless scripts. Behind them, the Dreamlings began to change. One became big and bulky, a white spacesuit appearing on them. Another became clad in the stereotypical garb of a firefighter, an axe in one hand, a firehose that seemed to trail on the ground and fade away in another. Another began to look like a younger Harrison Ford wearing a white shirt and hat, a whip hanging from their belt, and a fourth became garbed in a smart woman's suit, pockets full to bulging with money, a smug smile on their face...

Suddenly, one of the doors that had been locked was kicked open, the glass unable to resist the foot of someone who didn't care about property damage, and in rushed our  five heroes. "Hold it right there, Major Setback!" Tammy declared, pointing dramatically at their evil foe.

"Actually, I have been promoted," he declared triumphantly. "You gaze upon Lieutenant Colonel Setback now!"

"Oh, congratulations!" Tammy declared, giving him a thumb up.

Thank you! My fiancee was so happy when she heard. We're planning to get married the next time I go on leave," Lieutenant Colonel Setback said happily. "Dreamlings! Attack!"

The Dreamlings all turned and charged, whips, a distressing number of guns—for some reason a lot of people's dreams involved guns—axes, swords, and in one case a chainsaw and machete dualwield combo were raised. The fact the Dreamling wielding the chainsaw and machete was wearing a stripped sweater and an old-style hockey mask was probably cause for concern for someone else.

"Nightmærangers, transform!" Tammy cried, holding up a broach-like thing that looked like a flower. "By the power of plants!" Vines, leaves, bamboo and rose up around her to protect her modest as her clothes seemed to  vanish into leaves!

Willy, her expression absolutely deadpan, raised her own broach, one which was a stylized depiction of a water molecule made of a sapphire and two pink rubies. "By the  power of water," she said in a monotone voice, her clothes dissolving away into water that rose up to wrap around her. Strangely, whiel the water was absolutely clear, her body was an indistinguishable dark outline.

Jas nervously raised up he broach, which depicted a volcano with lava oozing down it's sides, a smiley-faced sun at the volcano's peak. "Um, by the power of fire!" she said, and fire exploded from her, immediately setting off the fire alarm. "Ugh, not again!"

Kim glanced at the girls and raise his medallion-definitely-not-a-broach, which depicted a stylized tesseract. "By the power of space?" he said, still hesitant, an yelped as his all his clothes dissolved into definitely-magenta-and-not-pink dust that rose up into a shifting geometric shape to encapsulate him. "I'm still not sure this is right!"

Sanny grinned, holding up a broach with a design depicting the double helix of DNA. "By the power of life!" he cried, and his clothes exploded into blood before turning into a mess of tentacles, teeth, eyeballs, scales, fur, feathers and shells.

Lieutenant Colonel Setback sighed, accepting a cup of coffee from Dreamling wearing an apron that read 'World's best housewife' as he waited for the protective shellls to come down. Really, could they do this before they came in so they wouldn't be wasting anyone's time?

Finally, the barriers dropped, revealing the five of them once more. Their hair had changed into bright primary colors,  clad in boots, leotards with short figure skater-type skirts, puffy sleeves and long gloves. There was a short cape streaming down their back, and a slightly longer waist cape trailed down below that. The two men were most definitely wearing kilts and not skirts, even if the rest of their outfits were broadly the same.  Nightmare Green's looked like her clothes was made of leaves and bamboo, while Nightmare Blue looked like she'd stolen it from the wardrobe of a princess who wasn't bothered by the cold, and Nightmare Red was clothed in flowing magma with flames rising from her shoulder. Nightmare Magenta's clothes looked like armor plates of stone, while Nightmare Yellow appeared to be wearing a living thing with too many eyes, mouths all over, and tentacles along his arms and legs.

At that moment, the fire sprinklers came on.

"Fire!" the firefighter Dreamling cried. "Everyone, on the ground to get under the smoke. No one panic, let's all go through the fire exit in an orderly gurgle!"

The gurgle was because the firefighter had just gotten his head bitten off by one of Nightmare Yellow's tentacles with a mouth on the end.

"Wait, don't you people usually give a speech and pose first?-!" Lieutenant Colonel Setback exclaimed.

"It's the middle of the day. I have my own dream-sucking office job to get back to," Nightmare Yellow said. "But if you insist... For forcing me to combine my horrible work life with the only thing in my life that makes my existence bearable, prepare to be devoured!"

With a roar, Nightmare Yellow's clothes split open, more and more tentacles coming out of his sleeves, his kilt, his capes.

The call center agents continued their soulless work as the Dreamlings around them began to be ripped apart, leaving Lieutenant Colonel Setback to face against the four Other Nightmærangers.

"So... you just got promoted," Nightmare Green said, a long thorn-like spike a meter long growing from her forearms as Nightmare Blue formed her icicle spear. Nightmare red readied her lava whip as Nightmare Magenta made a stone hammer. "And you're planning to go home to get married. What a coincidence! We just happened to be practicing a new combined final attack..."