Chapter 228: Not Enough (Patreon)

The air was thick with snowfall, Rhian could only see a few paces ahead. The sun wouldn’t rise for another few hours. The lanterns lined down the streets did little to light the way. Still, Rhian marched through the snow with clear certainty, she had gone down this street many times.

Feli shivered from atop the saddle.

Rhian glanced back at her, “Are you alright?”

“I’ll manage,” she smiled weakly.

“We’re almost there,” Rhian turned back and quickened her pace. “Do you think he’s okay?”

“...Not really, no. But if we don’t do anything he’s just going to keep getting worse.”

“How long has he been sneaking out?” Rhian asked hesitantly.

“A few months now,” Feli admitted. “He barely sleeps.”

“Why didn’t you say anything sooner?”

“Stryg didn’t want to make a big deal out of it,” Feli whispered. “I don’t think he wants us to know… But he’s hurting. His nightmares have only gotten worse.”

“We’re here…” Rhian stood in front of the private courtyard’s gate.

Feli clambered down the centaur’s saddle and trudged over to the gate. She pulled out the key her husband had given her and unlocked the gate. The runes engraved on the gateway flared to life briefly. The locks’ hinges gave way and the gate swung open.

Stryg and Lysaila stood a dozen paces away at the center of the courtyard, where the snow had been cleared out in a small ring. He ducked under Lysaila’s sword and swung Nameless at her. The lamia pulled back and evaded the attack with ease. Stryg’s ear twitched, he stumbled to a halt and turned to the gateway.

“Feli? Rhiannon?” Stryg furrowed his brow. “What are you two doing here?”

“Looking for you,” Lysaila sheathed her sword.

Stryg did a double-take, “Wait. You knew they were coming?”

“I could hear Rhian’s heartbeat over the blizzard,” Lysaila shrugged.

“And you didn’t say anything?” Stryg asked, annoyed.

“Why would a ‘prisoner’ help her jailer?” Lysaila smirked.

“Stryg, we need to talk,” Feli said.

“Can this wait until morning? I’m a bit busy with sword practice,” Stryg said.

“No, I don’t think it can,” Feli said firmly.

He sighed and threw Nameless on the snow a few paces away. “I’m listening.”

“I was hoping we could talk more privately,” Feli stared pointedly at the lamia.

“Lysaila has better hearing than even me,” Stryg said. “She’ll hear whatever you have to say, even if she wants to or not.”

“Ooo! Can I stay then too?” Rhian asked excitedly.

Feli sighed and looked Stryg in the eyes, “You’ve been distant.”

“I’ve been busy,” he said curtly.

“You’ve been avoiding me… us,” Feli stepped closer.

“I’ve been training.”

“Stryg… that’s called running from your problems.”

He sighed loudly, “Like most people I have many problems, but unlike them, mine can all be solved with a single solution. That’s why I’m training. To get strong enough to get rid of all of our problems.”

“Is it really?” Feli asked softly.

“What is that supposed to mean?” Stryg narrowed his eyes.

Feli stepped closer, “I know you have nightmares every night. I know you came here to not think of what happened that night at Widow’s Crag.”

Stryg stiffened at the mention of the cliffs in the south of Dusk Valley. For a moment, there was pain in his eyes, then it was gone. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You mumble in your sleep, you scream in your nightmares,” Feli reached his side and grabbed his hand. “I know you think what happened that night was your fault. But it wasn’t. You were caught in the middle of an ambush, it could have happened to anyone.”

Stryg closed his eyes tightly, “...But it happened to me. I was the one who failed to keep them safe. They didn’t deserve to die and everyone knows it. Callum, Kegrog, Freya, Kitty, Gale, they all stay quiet.” He smiled bitterly, “But I know they blame me.”

“No one blames you for what happened to Clypeus,” Feli shook her head.

“Tell that to Nora,” Stryg stepped away and turned his back.

“I know you're scared, dammit, so am I! I almost lost you, Stryg!” Feli yelled. “You have no idea how it feels to watch you lying unconscious and bloodied in an infirmary. I know what it’s like to feel powerless… To know there is nothing that I can do to help the love of my life as he fights for his life.”

Stryg slowly looked back at her.

Feli held his cheeks in her hands and smiled, “But we’re not powerless. You are not powerless. If it wasn’t for you, Mel and that dumb cook would have been lynched by that gang. You saved them. You are strong, strong enough to protect the ones close to you. What you’re doing now, pushing yourself beyond your limits, closing yourself off, trying to ignore your feelings… It’s hurting you.”

Stryg swallowed, “If hurting myself is the price to grow stronger, then it is a small price, and one I will gladly pay.”

Feli looked at him in disbelief, “Why do you want power so badly? Why do you train so desperately?”

“You wouldn’t understand.”

“What couldn’t I possibly understand?” she laughed incredulously.

“This is a waste of time,” he shook his head.

“No, tell me! What can’t I understand?”

“It doesn’t matter.”
Stryg tried walking away, she grabbed his shoulder and pulled him back, “Don’t try to run from this. What are you hiding? What are you so afraid of telling me!”

“That I’m worthless!” he screamed. The words burst from deep in his throat.

Feli pulled her hand back and frowned, “What…?”

Rhian gasped and stumbled back a step. Lysaila narrowed her eyes, but kept silent.

Stryg looked away, he couldn’t bear to look at Feli. “...Only the competent are allowed in the Sylvan Tribes, because they understand what it takes to survive in this Realm. The Blood Fang Tribe took one look at me and they knew, they knew, I wasn’t worthy.” He took a shaky breath, “But I thought, I hoped, that they were wrong, that I could change. So I worked hard, harder than any other of my tribemates… No matter how hard I tried, I was never enough. They all knew I was worthless… and so did I.”

Stryg conjured a small flame over his palm, “When I discovered I was a mage, I thought things would be different. So I started training again. I believed, no, I hoped I  wasn’t that weak goblin anymore. I thought I was strong… but I’m not. I’m just the same worthless goblin that failed the Blood Fang.”

He closed his palm and smothered the flame, “And someday you’ll all realize it too. Just like my friends did. Just like the Blood Fang did… If I can’t become strong, if I can’t protect you, then what use do I have to any of you?”

“Stryg, you think I’m here because you’re strong?” Feli asked.

“You married me because you thought I could provide you with a rich lifestyle,” he shrugged glumly.

“No, I started dating you because I wanted to escape the slums of the Commoner District.” Feli glared at him, “But I stayed with you because I love you. If I just wanted to live like some rich housewife I could have married any wealthy merchant that stopped by the Merry Crescent and there were many, believe me. You were different and funny in the strangest of ways, you still are.”

“I’m not…” Stryg mumbled.

Feli wrapped her arms around him, “I chose you. Not your magic. I chose you, the blue goblin of Vulture Woods. The Blood Fang tribe was wrong about you. I know their words hurt you and they still haunt you, but believe me when I say you don’t need their acceptance, you don't need their approval.”

“Damn right!” Rhian said.

Feli smiled, “Look around you, Stryg. Rhian and I are here for you because you are our family. And we’re your family. You don’t need to be the most powerful mage in the Realm to have a place to belong, to have people who see you are worthy of their love. You already have it. Isn’t that enough?”

Stryg closed his eyes. He could still see Clypeus, on his knees, a bloody hole in his chest. Feli and Rhain were next to Clypeus, their bodies broken and covered in blood. Anger flared in his chest.

“Stryg…?” Feli whispered.

He opened his eyes, he couldn’t let that happen, he wouldn’t. “It’s not enough for me. I’m not giving up, not now. I will become powerful and when I am I will make our tribe strong.” Stryg gripped his chest, “I won’t lose anyone else. I will take back what I’ve lost. I’ll make them acknowledge me, the Blood Fang, Plum, everyone!”

“...I see,” Feli bit her lip. “I’m sorry we weren’t enough for you.”

Stryg frowned, “What? No, that’s not what I-”

“What’s wrong with you!?” Rhian yelled angrily. “I’ve always backed you up, Stryg, but this time you’re wrong! You’re hurting Feli!”

“It’s fine, Rhian,” Feli smiled bitterly. “He doesn’t mean to. He just has different priorities than us.”

“What are you talking about?” Stryg asked, confused.

“You just don’t get it, you idiot!” Rhian slapped his shoulder.

The moment her fingers brushed his arm, her hand seized up and she collapsed on the floor. She scratched at her throat, unable to breathe.

“Rhian!” Stryg ran over to her.

“The Prime Edict…” Lysaila muttered darkly.

“No! I didn’t do this!” Stryg shook his head, panicked.

Feli sat down and pulled Rhian’s upper body over her legs. “Breathe, sweetie. Just breathe. It’s okay, you’re okay.”

Rhian’s grey eyes darted around, she wheezed feebly.

Stryg brushed Rhian’s black hair aside, “Please, be okay. Please, I need you.”

Rhian’s lips parted wide open, she gasped.

“She’s okay!” Feli cried out in relief.

Rhian looked at Stryg, bewilderment in her eyes. “...W-what did you do?”

“I-I… I swear I didn’t mean to,” Stryg mumbled.

“Your powers are growing, it’s only reasonable that your control over the beast-kin has grown too,” Lysaila hissed. “I told you, Rhinanon. He’s controlling you, he always has, even if he doesn’t realize it.”

“No,” Stryg backed away. “No, this has never happened before. I don’t know what I just did, but we’ll figure this out, Rhian. We always do.”

Rhian nodded hesitantly, “I believe you, Stryg… I just… I’m tired. I think I’m going back to the stables and get some sleep.”

“I’ll go with you,” Feli said.

“Count me in,” Lysaila nodded.

“I’ll come with,” Stryg said.

“No. We’ve already taken enough time from your training, Stryg,” Feli said sternly. “When you want to focus on this family more than your magic, let’s talk.”

“Wait, Feli, that’s not what I meant! Rhian, I’m sorry!” Stryg yelled.

Feli didn’t bother to respond. Rhian, Lysaila, and her walked out and closed the gate behind them. Stryg stood alone in the empty courtyard.

“Fucking shit, dammit!” he screamed in frustration and flung a fireball into the wall.

The orange spell exploded in a blast of sparks and flames. He threw another and then another. Numerous colors of mana surged through his veins, answering his cries of anger. He hurled shards of stone at the dummy targets. A small whirlwind blew around him, throwing the snow high up into the air.

He casted spell after spell, throwing all his emotions into the magic. His breath quickened and his heart rate sped up. A small part of his mind warned him that his body was overheating from excessive casting, but he didn’t care. He kept casting until his arms ached and his lungs burned. He felt dizzy, his legs gave underneath him. Stryg collapsed on the slate-tiled floor, the snow did little to soften the fall.

The snowflakes tumbled down the sky in a slow, almost nonchalant manner. He wished things were so simple, that he could move through the world without a worry.

Stryg’s eyes burned, his vision blurred. He opened his eyes and stared up at the dark sky and the snowflakes falling down. Somehow, this seemed familiar. The faintest of whispers scratched at a forgotten memory……

(AUTHOR'S NOTE:)

Hey everyone, I'm back from a short Chrismtas break! I hope you all had a great Christmas! Mine was fun, I got to spend time with family I haven't seen in a while.

Today's chapter was a heavy one that dives deeper into Stryg's mental state/health and how he views the world and himself. I hope you liked it, because there is more to come!

Thank you for reading and your support!

If you have any thoughts or questions feel free to comment below!

More details regarding characters can be found in the glossary.