See you... soon (Patreon)

I'd like to say that the title and content of this post is a joke I've planned for the anniversary but... no.

I've been trying for a long time now to express how I've been feeling for about a year now, I've been trying to communicate a bit about how hard this kind of work can be sometimes and all that... It hasn't really helped, as I never really listen to my own words, so this time I need a bit of ‘shock therapy’.

I've just come from seeing my financial manager, and well, I've just applied for a temporary cessation of self-employment. What does this mean? It means that from May I'm going to be on a ‘forced holiday’ but without earning a single buck. Why? Because I think that despite how risky it is to do something like this... my head needs a complete reset.

The stress and feeling under constant pressure for all these years (4 years in total, 3 since the first version of LA) is taking the best and the worst of me and I think it's time to put a stop. My body has been warning me for a year that I'm overdoing it with ‘giving 200% of myself’, working too many hours, not taking a single day off, etc, etc, etc. All this has caused me to have too much accumulated stress, total demotivation... and in short, little appreciation for what I do and for my health.

So... well... as I'm saying, I'm going to take a ‘forced holiday’, and from today until I come back, payments are suspended. That means Patreon won't charge you until I resume my activity.

I put it as a list because I think it's easier to understand:

• I stop working on any project temporarily.

• What does temporary mean? It will be about 3 months, so everything should return to normal in August-September.

• Patreon will not charge you during that time.

• You will still be able to access any post that is under any tier you have paid for.

• I've hidden all the tiers because Patreon allows new people to join and those people get charged. The thing is, it can get me in legal trouble (make me pay more taxes) because while I'm inactive I can't earn a dime.

All this is something I don't want to do but I need to do... when extreme shit happens, extreme measures have to be taken, and I have done so.

I'm not going to stop developing LA or all the projects I have in mind, I'm not going to stop being a developer or whatever. I like what I do, I like to see that there is constant support and that this allows me to make a living with this, the problem is that for more than a year this has become an 'average job' that is making my existence bitter, so to speak. The thought of working is a huge effort for me because I can't find motivation anywhere and that stresses me out, it overwhelms me... As I said a couple of paragraphs above, I need a reset in my head.

Although I'm not a social person, I used to like interacting with everyone in any community at any time, now all I want is for people to leave me alone, and from my point of view, at the end of the day, that is not good, neither from a ‘business’ point of view nor from a personal point of view, because I am just another human being like the rest of you with my ups and downs.

But as I say, all this has been causing me health problems, both physical and mental, especially this last year. I have tried to adapt to everything, trying to have a healthier life, a daily routine so that my routine is not getting up, working, sleeping... I have tried everything and it is no use if the problem is still there (accumulated stress). So ...

I appreciate your support, and I also appreciate that without saying anything, you make me realize that the problem is in my head, because as I have always said, the demands I have with myself are not only not to disappoint you with the work I do, but those of you who are paying every month, I think you deserve the best of the best, because I know exactly what it is to work hard to earn money. After all, before all this dev thing, I spent many years getting up at 5-6am to work all day, get home at night, and start again the next day...

I can't offer the best version of myself if I'm in a shit version of myself right now. I need to recover that motivation I had about two years ago and recover my mental stability/health. It seems silly but it's been months since I've had a silly laugh or a good time, or made jokes like I used to... I'm not who I used to be, I'm tired of looking like an 80-year-old curmudgeon when I'm not even 35 years old...

As a last point, I will say that I am aware of the risk that this entails, as there may be people who lose interest in what I do and may never come back, or yes, I don't know, nor will we ever know, but it is a risk I have to take. For those who are going to continue to be here and want to continue to support me in any way... just wait for my return, I don't need anything more than that, to know that you will be here when I return.

That said, I'll say goodbye for today, and I apologize from the bottom of my heart for this post as it's not a nice thing that the anniversary of a project has to be ‘celebrated’ in this way...

See you soon.

PS: It's possible that as the weeks go by, my mind will get back to its course and little by little to the usual pace of myself, so I'm sure I'll make some posts or wallpapers. I'm even considering going back to work at Pixiv, I had a really good time making content there, although right now it's just my mind trying to find an escape.

PS2: Anything you need, I'll be on Discord, as always.