I Deleted My Server (Patreon)

Hey, guys. If you haven't noticed yet, I deleted my Discord server.

I felt lonely on my server and I know I shouldn't feel that way. I completely understand that everyone else lives in different time zones and has their own lives. It's just not easy for me at all.

I'm alone at home and I don't have anyone else. Most of my friends are either over 50 or are still in school because of my volunteer job but I'm still closeted. The only people I can be openly gay with are the people online. Whenever I'm unable to reach out, it just worsens my anxiety and makes me depressed. I then isolate myself and I don't want to reach out to others anymore. What's worse is when others reach out to me, I'm already turned off by it and want to be left alone. I'm still learning how to deal with this and it eats me from the inside every day.

For me, it felt easier to as "Hey, is anyone free to join my game stream?" rather than saying "I'm depressed and I want to commit suicide every day being in this homophobic country that I can't even be myself so can someone keep me company?". It's because I can't just be sad all the time about my reality, I have to try to make myself happy. That's why I created the server, not only for my art and Patrons but so I can reach out to others.

I'm not mad at anyone if they're too busy or live in different time zones. It's just that I'm depressed that reaching out has exhausted me and I have given up trying to reach out to others. People don't realise that just because you have a larger following, you'll feel better. It's far from the truth. The more people I have around me, the lonelier I get. However, I can't control the situation especially since I'm trying to make ends meet so I'll continue doing art.

As for my server, I deleted it and I don't think I'm gonna make another server soon. I'll just post the previews and send the files through drive links instead. It just got tiring to be alone on my server. I apologise if me talking about this hurts your feelings but this is just how I feel about the situation. I'll keep it this way until I have the mental strength to create a new server and start from scratch.