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Elaina WG Fic (Patreon)

Published:
2021-10-19 17:00:04
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Edit: Got around to 'finalizing' this fic with another editing pass, to get it out of the way and to prepare for writing the Fee story. 

It's mostly minor changes, from tweaking prose to changing scenes slightly. It should be an improvement overall (though I'm not good at cutting fluff).

It's posted on Deviantart and Pixiv now. I'll draw something for it soon to post it on Twitter with.

Link: https://www.deviantart.com/orristerioso/art/Elaina-The-Country-of-Quick-Cuisine-906145509 

---Old---

Draft Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/e/2PACX-1vTmk3-NWv0b58rs_DAMULyL2eGiHaUgUW997TOg6S4XMwy4N9aqJQ_ykkzxiI_V4OpL1kW1a7-QmHgA/pub 

You get to beta test my writing (since I've yet to post this kind of thing publicly). 

Check it out if you're interested. Feedback would be appreciated but is not necessary. I don't know how much you can get from it without knowing the source material (Majo no Tabitabi). It contains weight gain, stuffing, burping, and hypnosis. 

It's based off of this art: https://twitter.com/orristerioso/status/1382501203574190080 

Comments

Haruhi-50X

Just finished reading this, holy hell dude this hit all the right spots for me. All the fetishes were so well incorporated, the constant pace of everything happening, god bless. No real criticism on my end. And keep in mind this is coming from someone that knows nothing about the source material, so I wouldn't worry about that either. I think there were like, 2 spelling errors that weren't even egregious (one was just you pressing space twice) and that's all the critique I have.

Styg Skye

Yeah echoing the previous sentiment, completely unfamiliar with the source material, but it stayed very self-contained. I didn't feel like I was missing out on any context critical to the action. Rare to see a brain drain executed this erotically, even less so in the context of weight gain/fattywank fetish material, and in the first person is practically unheard of. Something particularly interesting to me was how into the "meat" of the action you got; typically, payoffs to setups as long and complex as yours are given snappy climaxes over one or two shortish scenes, but yours comprised a good 60% of the fic. I think this is usually due to a combination of two things: first, authors run out of ways to rephrase what are essentially the same few core facets of the fetish that arouse them over and over and wrap things up at the risk of sounding repetitive. You spit in the face of that challenge and kept up the variety with machine-gunfire bangers for like 7000 words. Granted, the gradual progression of the spell on Elaina's mind made for a nice setup to introduce little "checkpoints", at each of which she descended a further level of modesty, and which certainly helped to space scenes apart. The other, though, is that no human alive can take that much stimulation without burning out lol. I had to stop like three times to recharge, uncertain if I was wasting my stamina for a potentially better climax that could be coming right up. Dunno what your intentions are about publicly posting this, but I'd strongly recommend splitting it into a small handful of clearly marked or entirely separately uploaded chapters. Aside from all that, will also recommend you go back for another pass or two of this before release because I noted like a dozen proofreading errors. Astoundingly good work, totally lived up to the hype you've been hinting at for months.

KAzul

This was a very fun time! I love when stories are attached to pictures and you certainly picked a fun one for this witch to be tapped in. I don't have much criticism to be honest. You wrote it in a way that I didn't need to know the source matarial since it was a town out of no where so it was just Witch Adventure. There was a ton of goodies in here and I imagine if there was anything I would likely just comment is perhaps there was just more teasing from the patrons and other waitresses as she was in the deeper ends? What was there was nice but I feel there could have been more humiliation for the struggling waitress...

orristerioso
>>70114945

Thanks for the feedback. I probably should have included some more explanation above, like that this story was written and formatted like a chapter from the light novels of the source material, hence the first person narration and the slow-ish start. Main reason I'm uploading is for one: just because. And two: with the text game I'm making I feel like it'd be smart to get some other writing out first so people know what to expect in terms of quality and material. This is also strictly a draft, and I plan to draw a sequence to pair with it before it genuinely goes public. I'm glad to hear that I managed to write something so long without getting too repetitive, since I was paranoid that was the case while I was writing and whenever I was reading it back. As for the length to endurance problem, I did recognize that. The only good idea I had to combat that would've been to pace the scenario over several days, making chapter breaks between, but it's way too late for that kind of change now and it'd just make it even longer as a whole. And I'm not so sure about splitting it up as is either since it's mostly one giant stream of consciousness. Any stopping point midway feels like it'd be too arbitrary, for me at least. I'm also largely of the persuasion that if someone finishes early they can just shelve the story and come back to continue it later, so I can't say I'm that concerned with it, but that may not be for everyone. About errors, if you want I can message you a link to the doc to comment on. I have one other person helping with the proofreading already though.

Styg Skye
>>70114945

Only if you're not confident the combined effort of you two will find everything, which is more than likely. Great sample by the way, will definitely give your game a comprehensive look whenever it bears fruit. I think you know already, but I make the game masterposts on /d/, so testing and reviewing fattywank games is a bit of a hobby of mine. Always good to have something to look forward to what with the massive droughts between releases of the few existing big ones

orristerioso
>>70114945

Your reply didn't show up in my notifications, hence the late reply. He did a single pass and pointed out a few fixes was all, so another pair of eyes will still be useful. I'll send the link to you and you can check it out anytime you want. No pressure, since it will be a long while before I'll actually need it finished and cleaned up, and I'll eventually do some proofreading of my own anyway.

jabthebear

Awesome story dude! You really put a lot of effort into this, taking your time to detail and set things up, and it paid of imo. If this is just practice writing for your game project, I'm excited to see the full thing.

DazMaZ

Yes...we need..more