The review I'm not going to make (but wish I could) (Patreon)

If you follow me on Twitter you may remember some talk about the Santa Speaker. A company e-mailed me three times in as many days, asking me to review the product officially titled "Christmas Bluetooth Speakers, Tumbler Santa Claus Gift with LED Light, Rich Bass, Portable Wireless Rechargeable Toy Speaker - Merry Christmas."

It's just a Bluetooth speaker in the shape of Santa Claus that looks like a kid's toy.

For fun I posted the image to Twitter and jokingly asked if I should review it. The results were about 50-50 for and against. I seriously considered going ahead with it just for fun, but ultimately changed my mind. Casual viewers of my channel would get confused by it because they wouldn't understand the backstory, and it would just cause trouble.

I haven't forgotten about Santa Speaker, though. What if I *did* go ahead with a review? The creative wheels started turning. "Do I know any talented female vocalists?" No. "Is the song still under copyright?" Uh, 1953...yeah, crap, it is. "Would I get a Content ID strike if I used it anyway?" Most likely.

I wrote the below lyrics just now. Put them to the song "Santa Baby" as sung by Eartha Kitt, then imagine it set to my typical style of footage. That's the review.

Santa speaker, sing a Christmas jingle or two for me
Tilt and tumble design
Santa speaker, and play some music for me tonight

Santa speaker, recharge your battery with USB
Four hours of life oh yeah
Santa speaker, and don't forget your LED light

It's not likely to be missed
If you put it on your Christmas list
Find the page on Amazon
It's 36 bucks? No way, f*ck this

Santa speaker, I don't think folks would buy you if you were free
Horrible sound probably
Santa speaker, in your suit of all red and white

Your all 5-star reviews don't look right

Just play some music for me tonight