Club Luna - Bonus 1 - Difficult Decisions (Patreon)

*** content warning: depression, hopelessness, brief suicidal ideation ***

=::= Grace Sutton's PoV =::=

My hands shook slightly as I finished typing out my final report to the Council. I kept it professional, or as professional as I could given the circumstances. Then after a half minute or so of deliberation I went ahead and added a personal addendum. Even that was a lot less scathing than it could have been. 

It was roughly a quarter after ten on Saturday night. Nearly two hours had passed since I fled Cassandra's home, but my heart was still racing. I needed to try and settle my nerves somewhat so I reached out for my wine glass and discovered it was empty again. In fact the bottle was nearly finished too, but what little remained ended up in my glass so I could take another deep sip. 

I normally wasn't a drinker, but honestly this evening's catastrophe left me wishing I had something stronger than some cheap Merlot in the house.

Once the last of the wine was gone I took a deep breath and read through my report one more time, before I finally hit the submit button. Then I watched and waited until I saw the confirmation that the last report I'd ever send had been successfully filed.

In my final act as a Council agent I pressed the self-destruct key on the laptop they'd issued me. It was basically just the power button, but if you didn't know the correct way to turn it on or off then that same button would render the computer inert, its contents unsalvagable. I didn't know the technical details, but sure enough the screen went black while some acrid blue smoke drifted up out of the keyboard and from the vents at the back.

I had no idea how long it would take my superiors to read the report, or how quickly they'd act on it afterwards. On the other hand I knew the clock was already ticking for me. The council wouldn't accept my resignation, and there was no point trying to flee them. There were really only a few options left, and none of them were terribly palatable.

If I stayed put and did nothing then I could expect a visit from some other Council agents. They might haul me in for questioning followed by 're-education', or they might simply arrange an accident. One way or another they'd ensure I couldn't divulge their secrets any more than the lump of dead plastic and electronics still smouldering on my desk.

Or perhaps Cassandra would turn up first. I still had no idea what she did to Vargas and his people, and honestly I didn't want to find out. I wasn't even sure what scared me more, having to face the Goddess of Chaos again or finding myself in some secret Council facility.

Another option was provided by the young Goddess. The frosted plastic capsule sat unopened on my bed. I had a rough idea what I'd find inside, there'd be a small cute stuffed animal and some instructions on how to use it. If I did that I wouldn't be human anymore, I'd become a demi-human, stuck with some animal features for the rest of my life. And I really couldn't picture myself with fuzzy ears or a tail. 

On the one hand, Cassandra promised she'd give me a new identity so I'd be safe from the council. On the other hand I knew the Council were keeping a close eye on demi-humans, so even if I had a new name they might still find me. They might even still recognize me, I wasn't sure how thoroughly the toy would change my appearance. 

Then there was the final option, supplied by the Council themselves. A small white pill, they claimed it was quick and painless. Meant to ensure field operatives had a 'way out' if it looked like capture and interrogation was inevitable. 

Using that would gurantee I got to spend the rest of my life as a human, and with my mind and identity intact. Except using that would also mean the rest of my life would be measured in minutes rather than years.

I actually considered it. For ten, maybe twelve minutes I seriously contemplated that final option.

In the end I had to dismiss it. Maybe it was the last remaining vestige of my religious upbringing, the belief that suicide was a sin and my soul would suffer for it. Or more likely, I was just too much of a coward to actually do it.

Instead I got up and wandered aimlessly around my home, perhaps for the last time. It was a cosy little place, a modest two-bedroom split-level house built in the fifties or sixties. It was too dark out to see the little backyard garden I'd maintained in my spare time, but a streetlight illuminated the young maple tree I had planted out front when I first moved in.

That was eleven years ago, and in that time it had grown from a tiny sapling to a decent-sized tree. 

When I found myself in my kitchen I decided to make a cup of tea, then spent some time sitting in the dark in my living-room as I quietly sipped the hot beverage and reminisced about my life. I thought about the path that led me away from the rest of my family, away from the church, and into the occult. The path that led the Council to find and recruit me, and ultimately brought me to this moment and the decision I was avoiding.

I thought briefly about reaching out to my brothers, but in all honesty I had nothing to say to either of them. One followed in our father's footsteps and became a minister, while the other went into photography of all things.

It also crossed my mind to try and contact my nieces. The youngest and I shared the same name, we were both named after my grandmother, and at one time I thought that might mean the two of us would be closer. 

Unfortunately it didn't work out that way, and I hadn't seen or spoken with either Felicity or Gracie in at least fifteen years. In fact I doubted either of them would even remember me, they were both just little girls when we last met. And knowing their father, I wouldn't be surprised if he'd insisted they forget about me entirely after our falling-out when I visited last.

In the end I decided not to try and contact any of my family. For all I knew I was being watched or monitored, either by Cassandra or the Council. I couldn't risk endangering my nieces. Instead I quietly spent some more time reminiscing, an older woman thinking about her life and wondering about the roads not travelled, the opportunities not taken.

Eventually I found myself back in my bedroom again. It was almost two in the morning, and if the Council was punctual then I was probably running out of time. It was nearly eight in the morning back in Madrid, which meant in the worst-case scenario someone might read my report within the next hour.

I slowly made my way to the bed, then sat down and stared at that plastic capsule. I had no idea what specific toy I'd find within, but based on what I'd observed at school and around town over the past year I could guess. Inside would be a bunny, or a cat, or maybe a fox. There'd also been reports of cows and ponies, dogs and wolves, but I hadn't seen any of those myself.

Whatever it was, I could only imagine how ridiculous I'd look with fuzzy ears and a furry tail.

Teens and young adults could get away with those sorts things, perhaps. When the general public looked at someone like Kenzie Winters or Alyssa Ross they tended to assume they were in cosplay then forgot all about it. Not me. I was fifty-nine years old. People would look at me and wonder what was wrong with me. They'd probably assume it was early dementia setting in.

Still, it's not like I had a lot of options.

With a quiet sigh I reached out and picked up the capsule, then carefully popped it open. Something small and fuzzy spilled out onto my lap, along with a square of folded-up paper. I set the plastic shell aside then picked up the small knitted toy, and my heart skipped a beat. It wasn't a bunny or a cat or even a fox, nor was it a cow or pony or any of those other things. 

The plush toy in my hand was a dog. Not just any dog, it was a white and red papillon. I was sure of it, the ears were unmistakable.

It might have been a coincidence, and if it were any other colour combination I'd have been positive. But the white and red pattern on the plush toy was too perfect, Cassandra had to have picked it intentionally. For a few moments I found myself questioning how she knew, considering the last time I saw that dog was almost forty years ago. Then I remembered that the shy quiet girl who spent so much of her time helping out in my library was in fact a Goddess, and she probably knew more about my life than I did.

I stared at that little papillon plushie for a good minute or two, before I finally picked up the scrap of paper. I was still holding the small knit toy in my left hand while I focused on the paper in my right. I already had a good idea what it would say, but I was curious to see it for myself. 

Sure enough it was instructions, written by hand. I even recognized Cass's slightly messy penmanship. The text read more or less like I'd seen in the Council reports. The only thing of note was the trigger word.

"Lightly hold or touch your plushie and say the word 'Bark' out loud to become a doggo. Lightly touch your plushie and bark again to become a dog-kin. Caution: do not lose your plushie, especially while in dog form, or you will be stuck for life. Warning: effects cannot be un-done. No refunds, no returns, use at your own risk!"

I couldn't help rolling my eyes as I sighed to myself, "Seriously Cassandra? So much power, yet so unimaginitive. The best you could come up with was 'bark'?"

It only took two or three seconds before my heart skipped a beat as it hit me. I'd been holding the toy when I said the word out loud. My eyes widened as I glanced down, then I let out a quiet a sigh of relief. I wasn't holding the plushie after all, it was laying on the bed a few inches away from my left paw.

I sat back on the pile of my discarded clothing and frowned to myself as I contemplated my dillema once again. It was a huge decision and it felt like no matter what choice I made there would likely be regrets. Which meant the only real question was what path would have the fewest regrets, what choice had the least amount of pain and discomfort in store for me.

With another quiet sigh I lay down on my belly, with my chin resting on the bed while I stared past my shiny black nose at the little knitted papillon toy. It took me a few more seconds to realize I'd lost track of the scrap of paper with the instructions, not that I needed them. Still, I couldn't remember putting it down. Then again I couldn't remember when I'd gotten undressed either.

I slowly got back up again and checked around my paws and under where I'd been laying, but there was no sign of the paper. Then I ventured over to the edge of the bed and looked down, and that's where I found the note. It was laying on the floor, so I must have dropped it at some point.

Still, something seemed off and I couldn't quite put my paw on it. There was something about the way my bed and the floor looked, as if the perspective was wrong. I was standing up on all four feet but the bed sheets appeared too near, while the bed itself seemed so much larger than it should have. 

It was only another second or two before my eyes widened and my heart started to race. I slowly turned and looked back at the little plush toy where it was laying on the bed next to my clothes. Then I looked down at my white furry paws. And finally I turned back once more, but this time I was staring at my curled fluffy red and white tail as it began happy-wagging back and forth above my backside.

With a sudden burst of energy and excitement I let out a happy little yip, then ran a few circles around the top of my bed before I got control of myself again. As incredible as it all felt, I knew it wasn't practical to stay this way. Not right now, not when I was potentially still in danger.

I moved back to the small plush toy then carefully placed my right paw ontop of it, and let out another little bark before I sat back and waited for the change. There was no indication that it had happened, I didn't feel any different, so I decided to give it another couple seconds just to be sure.

That's when I was so startled by a voice from my bedroom doorway I nearly jumped off the bed. I reflexively let out a surprised bark at the intruder before getting control of myself.

"It might not be that imaginitive," Cassandra said as she stepped into my bedroom, "But in my defence I'm not really a dog person."

"What are you doing here?" I asked nervously. 

It took me another second or two to realize I was speaking normally, that I was human again. Or mostly human anyways. And once again my heart started racing as it hit me that my voice didn't sound right. It wasn't the voice I was used to, it wasn't the voice of a fifty-nine year old woman.

"I told you I'd arrange a new identity for you after you used the plushie," Cassandra replied in a calm quiet voice. 

She held up a dark blue nylon purse, then set it on the bed next to me before stepping back. 

"Everything you need is in there," she said. "Drivers license, health card, birth certificate, bank card, and some cash. I've even included a new phone."

I gulped as I stared at the purse for a few seconds, then looked back at her again. "Why are you doing this for me? I tried to... I'm not the nice old lady you thought I was. I'm your enemy."

The young Goddess shrugged, "You were nice to me, even when you didn't have to be. You told me you tried to convince your bosses to leave my friends alone. And even if you've made some bad decisions, I don't think you're a bad person."

"Thank you," I replied nervously. "I guess I'll have to leave town now?"

She shrugged again, "That's up to you. You'll need to get out of this house, you need to leave your old life behind. You're welcome to stick around town though, if that's what you want."

"Anyways," she added after a brief pause, "I should get going. Good luck Rosie, maybe we'll see you around."

I watched quietly as she turned and disappeared through my bedroom door. Once she was gone I breathed a quiet sigh of relief, then picked up the purse as I got up off my bed. I opened it and pulled out the new ID cards, and with shaking hands I stared at my new identity.

My new name was Rosie Shaw, but that wasn't the part that shocked me. What really stood out was the date of birth. According to my new drivers license I was only twenty years old.

I practically ran into the bathroom and turned on the light, then found myself staring wide-eyed at my reflection in the mirror. Staring back at me was an attractive but naked young woman with messy shoulder-length pale red hair, and large pointed canine ears sticking up on either side of her head. Her eyes were dark, her skin fair. And sticking out behind her was a fluffy curled red and white tail, happily wagging back and forth in excitement.

Cassandra hadn't just given me a new name and a new appearance, she'd given me a complete do-over. Another chance, a whole new life. I knew there'd be challenges, I was going to have to start over from scratch in several ways. But I had a new life ahead of me, with the advantage of a lifetime of experience behind me. I couldn't help but smile. 

As I hurried back to my bedroom to find some clothes that would fit my young new body I whispered a little prayer, thanking the Goddess of Chaos for her mercy. And for giving me this opportunity.