Succubi - Ch.17b - Concerned (Patreon)

=::= Susan's PoV =::=

It was just Mara and me at home tonight, Melissa was out working. Well, she still called them dates, but to me a date was when I was with my girlfriends. Spending the night with some random stranger was a job, a diversion, a hookup. I still needed to use different language, to help keep it separate in my mind.

Melissa and I never really discussed it or planned it, but we tended to pick different nights of the week to take care of business. That way Mara was never left alone. And Melissa and I each got some private time with Mara, when the other was out with a hook-up. 

We rarely got time alone between the two of us, but if Mara was going to start spending more time with this Ethan guy then Melissa and I might have some time with each other.

I didn't know all the details on that situation yet, just that Ethan came out to Mara at lunch today and she invited him over here tomorrow afternoon so Melissa and I could meet him. And I was honestly a little leery about having a stranger join our group, but at the same time I recognized that was hypocritical of me. It was only six weeks ago that I was the stranger wanting to join Mara and Melissa.

Like Mara said though, it really wasn't up to us. All we could do was meet him, see if we liked him, and if Lily made a deal with him then the rest of us would have to adapt and make the best of it. And I knew things worked out ok for myself and it would be unfair to want to deny that from someone else. 

For tonight though, it was just me and Mara. And there was something I needed to do, something I'd been thinking about for the past month or so but hadn't worked up the courage yet to do. Now with the Ethan thing on the horizon, I figured I needed to deal with it tonight. I didn't know when I might get another chance.

I grabbed myself a vodka cooler from the fridge and had a few gulps to try and quiet my nerves, then I sat down on the sofa next to Mara. 

"Hey Mara? I have a favour to ask."

She flashed me one of her mischievous grins and wiggled her tail as she asked, "Is it something naughty?"

I grinned as well but shook my head "Sorry, not this time."

"Oh," her expression became serious as I'm sure she picked up on the anxiety I was failing to hide. "What is it Susan? You know I'll do whatever I can for you."

"Aww, thanks Mara." That brought a smile to my face. 

I took a breath then asked "I'd like to speak with Lily if that's ok? Uh, in private?"

"That's it?" she asked with a confused look on her face. "I thought you were going to ask for something serious. Of course you can talk to Lily!"

She grinned as she added, "She's the boss of this operation, not me."

It wasn't clear to me if 'this operation' referred to our little polycule, or if Mara meant Lily was in charge of the body the two of them shared. 

"Thanks Mara," I said, but she was already settling back on the sofa.

She got a distant look in her eyes that told me she was looking inwards and she asked herself, "You heard that, right Lily? It's all yours."

Mara's eyes drifted closed, and a couple seconds later they snapped open again. Lily stood up and moved over to the recliner across from me. As she sat down she asked, "What was it you wished to discuss Susan?"

I'd only spoken directly with Lily a couple times and it was always an unsettling experience. Maybe I'd get used to it eventually. I honestly had no idea how Melissa handled it. Or Mara, for that matter. Though the experience had to be completely different for her than it was for the two us. 

At first glance someone who didn't know better would assume it was just Mara there. It was her body after all, her voice, her face. But I could tell it wasn't Mara I was talking to. Lily had different posture, she spoke differently, her mannerisms and affect were all completely different.

I'd read about this sort of thing, they used to call it 'multiple personalities' way back when, but as far as I knew I'd never met anyone like this before. And it was freaky as hell. I really couldn't describe how strange it was to see a person, a body you know well, being occupied and operated by a completely different entity.

After a few moments I pushed those thoughts aside and focused on the conversation.

"So I'm sure you know I haven't really done much with this magic you gave me? I did the antlers and tail thing once, that's about it."

Lily's expression was mostly impassive as she responded with a question, "Are you afraid of it, Susan? You wanted that magic very badly, what's keeping you from experimenting and getting more familiar with using it?"

I admitted, "Maybe I'm a little anxious. I do have some questions. Or maybe they're concerns..."

"Go on," she prompted.

I sighed, "So I guess it's a combination of things. Like you explained from the start, any change I make won't just 'undo' or go away on its own. Anything I do is basically permanent, but I can reverse things with another change, right?"

Lily nodded "That's correct."

"So, I could change one thing today, another thing tomorrow, a third thing the next day. Just lots of small incremental changes. Let's say I keep doing that over days or weeks or months. Never reversing anything, just changing things whenever I feel like it... If that went on long enough, would I ever be able to make myself back to normal? What if I forgot what normal was?"

Our demonic friend seemed to understand what I was getting at, she smiled slightly "You're worried that you might change something, then forget how to reverse it completely? To use a benign example, perhaps you change your hair colour a few times, you're worried you might forget what tone and shade were the originals. You might never be able to get your hair back to its current colour."

I sighed again but nodded, "Yeah. That sums it up pretty well. I guess I'm worried about that, for my whole body."

She looked thoughtful for a few moments, then asked "Why does it matter?"

She added, "I'm not trying to be glib or dismissive Susan, I'm genuinely curious. Why does your 'original unaltered form' matter so much to you?"

"Uh, because it's the real me?" I replied. I wasn't really sure I was expressing myself correctly, but I didn't know how else to say it.

Lily replied "Perhaps. I appreciate these aren't fair examples, but they're all I have to offer at the moment. What do you think the 'real' Melissa looks like? Or the 'real' Mara? You've seen photographs of what they both looked like before they met me. Were those unaltered bodies the 'real' Melissa and Mara? Or are how the two of them appear today their 'real' selves?"

"That's different," I stated. "They're both trans, so of course their real selves would be what they look like now."

She pointed out, "Since we defeated Verothilas, Mara's natural form now includes horns and a tail. That has nothing to do with her being trans, but it does complicate the issue slightly. What's her 'real' form today? The one she was born to? The one she was reincarnated into? Or the one she's most comfortable with now?"

I legitimately didn't have an answer to that. I sort of wanted to say the one she was reincarnated into, but I couldn't find the words to explain why I felt that way. I never met her before, I only saw one picture of the body she was born to, and I figured I knew enough about trans issues to understand that was never the 'real' her. But as much as I liked her with horns and a tail, that didn't seem like the right answer since I knew it came about through a magical accident. 

After a few moments of silence Lily continued, "The point I am trying to make is, the 'real' you is whatever you're most comfortable with at the time. Going back to my example of hair colour, if after some days or weeks of experimenting you can't remember your exact original colour, what does that matter if you can pick a colour you're happy with, that feels right to you? And the same goes for every other aspect of your body. What's more important, being happy and comfortable, or getting your body back to its original shape?"

"And if what you're comfortable with changes over time, why shouldn't you adapt your body to suit?" Lily added. "Humans do this all the time with fashion. You don't still wear the same style of clothes as when you were a child, or when you were a teen. The only reason humans don't update their bodies to suit their changing tastes and desires is they can't. You can."

That left me with a thoughtful frown on my face. I understood the point she was making, I just wasn't sure if I agreed with it.

After a minute or two Lily suggested, "If you're truly worried about this Susan, you could always take lots of pictures and measurements. Keep a record of your 'original' self, so you can refer back to it. Then you can experiment without fear."

"Ok," I nodded slowly. "Thanks Lily. Maybe I'll do that. I mean, the pictures and measurements thing. It's not a bad idea anyways."

She asked, "Was there anything else?"

I hesitated, then shook my head. "No, I guess that's it..."

Her expression shifted to a sympathetic smile as she pointed out, "Susan you know I can read minds. You aren't just worried about forgetting what your 'original body' looks like. You're also worried you'll change something and decide you want to keep it. That perhaps you'll make some titillating alteration for an evening's entertainment, only to discover you don't want to undo it." 

My cheeks went pink and I looked down at the coffee table. I knew she could read minds but I'd forgotten about that. And now that I knew she was reading me, the harder I tried to not think about certain things the more I thought about them anyways. 

Lily sounded slightly amused as she pointed out, "You need not be embarrassed Susan. All three of you know my true nature. I would be genuinely surprised, and perhaps more than a little impressed, if any of you managed to come up with something that truly shocked me."

"And I don't think you need to worry about either Mara or Melissa judging you either," she continued. "Melissa understands what it's like to desire something that other people might find unusual. And Mara has proven time and again that her only concern is the happiness of those she loves. So if you want to experiment, please do so without any fear of what the three of us might think."

I continued staring at the coffee table, and I still couldn't get those ideas and images out of my head. 

"And to be quite honest Susan," Lily added. "You might find both Mara and Melissa would enthusiastically enjoy helping you with those experiments."

I knew she was right. Of course she was right. She was eight thousand years old, she'd probably seen and done everything I could dream of and more. 

And I knew she was right about my girlfriends too. Melissa made that point before I even signed Lily's contract, she knew what it was like to want things that other people wouldn't understand. And Mara was about as judgemental as a kitten. And both of them were open-minded about what we all did in bed.

I glanced up at our demon friend and said quietly, "Thanks Lily."

"You're welcome Susan." 

Her smile faded slightly as she added, "Before I take my leave, a word of advice regarding tomorrow. Forget all your preconceived notions. Regardless of her external appearance, the friend Mara will be bringing to meet you is a girl. Her name is Amber and she uses she/her pronouns. Try and bear that in mind, and you will save everyone a great deal of angst and embarrassment."

I wasn't sure how to react to that, so I just nodded "Ok."

Lily let herself settle back in the chair and closed her eyes. Then it was as though she instantly fell asleep.

About ten or fifteen seconds later her eyes fluttered open and she sat up and stretched, then smiled at me. 

"Hey Sue. How'd it go?"

I couldn't help but be fascinated by the difference. I knew this was Mara, one hundred percent. 

"It was fine," I replied quietly. "And thanks very much for letting me talk with her."

Mara always acted like it was no big deal, but I was sure she didn't enjoy that experience. Perhaps it wasn't so bad when she was conscious, but any time Lily had a private conversation with Melissa or myself she would 'put Mara to sleep' first. It wasn't the best choice of words, and I couldn't help but be a little freaked out at the idea of having some other being in my head who could simply switch me off whenever they wanted some privacy.

"Anytime Susan," Mara smiled back. Then she got to her feet and headed into the kitchen, before returning with a vodka cooler for herself.