MB Interview: Antigone and Cassandra (Part 1: Untranslated Version) (Patreon)

Note: This version of the interview is untranslated. As such, only the human interviewer talks. The second, translated version can be read at:

https://www.patreon.com/posts/55590069

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Dual spotlights shine upon a stage’s four chairs, between which is a low table. On one side of the table sits Nicholas Wiseman, dressed informally in loose khaki pants and a fleece zipper-down jacket.

The seat next to him is taken by an abnormally large cat, whose well-groomed coat of long, white hair does little to soften the ferocity of his snaggle-toothed snarl, nor the glare of his one-eyed stare, nor the way that his half bitten-off ear menacingly twitches whenever Nick glances over.

In the two remaining chairs, Antigone and Cassandra sit, their gazes glued to the bowl of tiny bone-shaped dog treats upon the table.

Nick: Today we have a special interview, featuring the goodest girls to ever grace our stage. Might I introduce Antigone and Cassandra, K. Zarneki’s beloved shih tzus!

He dips his hand into the bowl of treats, and presents two treats to Antigone and Cassandra. Antigone takes hers delicately, but Cassandra nips the end of one of his fingers.

Nick: Ouch! It’s okay, girl, I’m sure it was an accident. And may I also present my temporary cohost for this evening, Schrodinger.

Nick pulls out a fish-shaped treat from his pocket. At Schrodinger’s hiss, he opts to cautiously toss it onto the cat’s seat instead of giving it to him by hand (a wise choice).

Nick, rolling his eyes: According to our showrunner, I needed a “translator.”

Schrodinger finishes his treat and hisses again. He preens. Antigone barks excitedly, while Cassandra lets out a yawn.

Nick: For my first question, and I have to ask, who are the goodest girls?

Antigone and Cassandra pant with excitement, tails thumping on the seat cushion.

Nick, not able to understand their words but nonetheless comprehending their reply: That’s right! It’s you! You’re the goodest girls! Yes, yes, you are!

He scritches Antigone and Cassandra under their chins, much to the dogs’ delight. Schrodinger stands and resettles himself so that he now faces away from Nick. He mews, and Cassandra yips back. Schrodinger mews again.

Nick: Annie and Cass, you two beat out some pretty stiff competition to earn this interview slot! How do you feel about one-upping Reese Rudzite and that fake waiter in the polls?

The dogs cock their heads, not recognizing most of the words in the sentence. Schrodinger’s mew contains a note of chastisement, and from there proceeds a conversation of barks and mews.

Nick, unable to understand anything said by the pets, proceeds to make up and go off his own version of their conversation.

Nick: What’s that, Cass? You want to bite off Reese in the— oh my. We’re on public access television, you can’t say words like that on air. But I admit, I’ve considered similar options myself.

Schrodinger lifts a paw and hisses. The shih tzus look at Nick, until Antigone leans forward to lick his hand.

Nick, eyeing Schrodinger warily: So, girls, how do you feel about cats?

Antigone yips. Cassandra sniffs. Schrodinger keeps glaring at Nick.

Nick, in total ignorance: Yeah, I’m not a fan of cats either. Do you have any dog friends?

Antigone barks, and Cassandra growls softly. Schrodinger gives Cassandra a evaluative stare.

Nick: Aw, so no close dog friends yet? How would you feel if your owner brought home another pup? Or a cat, for that matter?

Antigone pants, grinning. Cassandra lays on her belly, folding her paws neatly in front of her and letting out a snort.

Nick: It would depend on the cat or dog, would it? That makes sense—you wouldn’t want just anyone for a roommate! Speaking of potential roommates, though . . . How do you two feel about Button?

Antigone leaps onto the center table, spilling the bowl of treats with a happy bark. Immediately, Cassandra is off her chair as well, eating the spilled goodies until Nick hoists her up and back onto her seat. Nick hastily scoops up the fallen dog treats as Antigone continues to bark.

Schrodinger blinks. Antigone eventually jumps back onto her seat.

Nick: You like Button as much as you like treats, huh?

Cassandra sneezes.

Nick: I have to ask, given your approval of my sibling: girls, why did you break up that kiss? You know the one.

Antigone and Cassandra excitedly bark at Button’s name.

Nick: Hmm. Not the reason that I expected.

Schrodinger mews derisively. Antigone and Cass bark back at him.

Nick: I’m glad that you approve of Button, though. I never understood why you always terrorized them whenever they walked by—I could hear your barking from my house.

Antigone and Cassandra bark again, only slightly softer than their customary greeting to Button.

Nick, sagely: I see, I see. You were trying to protect Zarneki.

The shih tzus stare blankly at Nick. Schrodinger lets out a self-satisfied purr.

Nick: You must really love your owner to be so protective. How do you feel about the Mayor?

Antigone and Cassandra both growl.

Nick: I hear you. Politics, am I right? Any good stories that you’d like to share about Zarneki?

Cassandra bounces on her paws as she barks happily. Antigone plops her head on the armrest and sighs at her sister.

Cassandra lays back down, subdued.

Nick: That’s absolutely scandalous! I can’t believe that you disclosed that to a live studio audience. This kind of scoop is almost too juicy to air. Any other revelations about Zarneki that we should know?

The shih tzus stare expectantly at the bowl of dog treats. Nick sighs and gives them each a cookie. Antigone makes snuffling noises as she breaks hers into tiny pieces and eats it bit by bit.

Cassandra swallows her treat whole, and lets out a few yips.

Nick: Zarneki really made you wear those costumes for Halloween? Dang, and I thought I went all-out.

Antigone wags her tail, and whines. Cassandra joins her.

Schrodinger’s meow is almost drowned out by their next barks.

Nick: Other than dog treats, do you have any favorite snacks?

At the word ‘snacks,’ both Antigone and Cassandra sit nicely in their seats. Nick gives them each another cookie.

The shih tzus pant happily after gobbling down the treats.

Nick: Scrambled eggs? A solid choice.

Schrodinger meows. Antigone and Cassandra continue panting. Eventually, Schrodinger hops off his chair and strides off to behind the stage curtain.

Nick sighs with relief at the cat’s disappearance.

Nick: Since my cohost took off, it looks like we should wrap things up. One last question, which I was told needed to be asked by our producers.

He looks down at the cue card and shakes his head, bemused.

Nick: What are your plans for world domination?

The shih tzus exchange a look, bark once at Nick, and then take off in hot pursuit of the cat.