My Squire and Me; Part 2 (Patreon)

You can’t imagine the emotions going through my head when I kissed Cassie. It was a maelstrom of guilt, passion, longing, and gratitude. The first and last being the most prominent. There are innumerable reasons I shouldn’t have allowed anything like that to develop between us. Just so much good rationale to stop. Sadly, I’ve never been very good at doing the right thing when it comes to romantic entanglements. That day was just the next in a long line of selfish decisions that I may yet regret.

Firstly I held authority and responsibility over Cassius. I was entrusted with his care and education. It would be I who would help a young squire become a knight. Become a man really. Though Cassie has his own definition of what that means. Besides my role as his Knight’s Master, I am like family. His mother and mine are as close as sisters and his brother and I once nursed on the same set of teets. Not just our wet nurse, but I’d been nourished, reared, and fostered for a time by his mother, Archduchess Ariella, and Glen in turn had the same history with mine. We’re practically family.

Certainly this is how alliances are made in the peerage. Had Cassie been one of his older sisters, Sophira, or goddess forbid Ashina, I’m sure both great houses would push for a union. My mother certainly has floated the idea that I at least consider Ashina’s interest. I just might have if I was concerned with either looks, station, or marrying into royalty. All of which Ashina certainly has going for her. She’s strong, beautiful, intelligent, focused, and insanely talented in the artes of war. Dogged even in her pursuits of martial and arcane perfection. She is her mother’s daughter and a woman in the ilk of my own mom. So... utterly terrifying.

Despite the closeness of our families, Ashina and I never had the relationship I had with Glen, Cassie, or even Sophie. Though three years my senior, she did not take an interest in me in any way.  We did not play games together. There are no memories of practicing the blade together in the Anshar Palace proving grounds. I didn’t exist to her and her friends, both of which I would come to know well in the future, until I defeated her at tourney. She held no care or obligation to me either way. Ashina’s indifference to anything that didn’t interest her always made her seem cold and distant. Forgive me, but I cannot consider a relationship with a ladykin like that.

There is a certain responsibility you hold for your juniors that she never held for me. I however was that for Cassie. Maybe her interest in me now, though misguided, is more proper. It could be thought of as abusing that relationship to pursue anything romantic with someone you’ve helped guide as a youngling. I understand that I am a trusted friend and mentor to him. There are those who might accuse me of betraying that trust.

If that wasn’t enough to dissuade me there were also other, more important considerations. Considerations that would not paint me in a positive light. No matter what anyone else has to say about it.

Hugely important is that Cassius has a fiancee. Nothing’s official mind you, but we all know that he and the youngest Eridanus daughter are destined to be wed. It was arranged before their birth and unless sweet Camden falls in love with another or Pride Assyrius requires Cassie to marry someone else for political reasons, that’s an inevitable coupling. Of course, Camden has always followed Cassie around like a lost cub. She adored him and indulged him. Never judging him for his femininity and always defending her lord when he was insulted. She even trained with the bow to have more in common with him.

Even despite his obvious intentions and affections for me, Camden always supported Cassie. She even offered to assist him in any way necessary in his romantic pursuits. A horrifying notion for me given that she was barely fourteen when she made the offer. Now that she is of age she’s been even more overt with such musings. Her mischievous smiles and suggestive winks leave little doubt of her intentions. For Cassie, she would do anything.

I’d love for somebody to love me like that. Someone I could have and hold without causing strife for kin and country, I mean. Do not mistake me. I do not discount Cassius’ love, no matter what his admirers believe. That is far from the issue. Cassie’s love is messy. There would be alot of grief should we throw caution to the wind and pursue those feelings.

Worse at the time was that I hadn’t even really come to a conclusion on my own sexuality. Before Cress and Cassie I’d never even consider a male lover. I’m no traditionalist and neither are my people, but it is something of an issue when burdened by the aristocracy. Even if their influence is all but a kitten cry in the dales; there would be scandal, outrage, and offense.

It’s funny to think about now, but I’d agonized over it in my youth. Upon recollection you’d think me an utter fool. It was laughable... almost absurd. There we were together in each other's arms. I held him in my embrace, kissing him, touching him, removing his trousers and letting them fall to the forest floor. At the very least you could say that I didn’t mind the company of other men. Though I’ll admit that my ultimate preference is for something a little more delicate, despite their gender; but it wasn’t something I’d considered before my experiences at Academy.

I’d never pursued another man. Cress pursued me. Cassie did the same; and to that point that was it. Sure, I fooled around a bit with a childhood friend, London, we were young teenagers, but nothing serious. She is a Caenisian daughter, so I think it started with her. Even though she’s a woman in every discernable way on the outside, we two share the same fencing equipment. It might have gone somewhere, had she not been clear she was only having a spot of fun with me. I, of course, was intimidated. And even though she swore she had no desire to try to take my tail, the stories I’d heard of her escapades gave me pause and filled me with dread.

So I wasn’t sure of my feelings on the matter either way. To be honest, I think I’d have loved just about anyone who truly loved me. I’ve no care for titles, lineages, and politics. All trivialities in matters of the heart. Gender even less so. Despite this, I was still reticent in pursuing alternative relationships. I am the successor of my father’s lands. I will be expected to wed someone and provide an heir. It is one of the few duties of a lord that I cannot shirk. Even still, should a man, woman, caenisian daughter, or any other take my fancy and their feelings for me are true, I am sure that I would simply love them with all my heart.

So no, regardless of my whinging I would not lack companionship. Not if I wanted to stay in one place and live by the rules of others. I have friends and there is family who would not let me be alone should I feel alone. I have vassals and servants, even a sworn sword who would do anything should I only ask. In truth, my sworn sword, Soven, would likely do anything for me should I ask her to or not. I do not doubt her esteem for me in the least. However like any vassal to a lord or lady, her devotion is honor and duty bound.

She cannot love me. Not in truth. Like all sworn swords, her very existence is a perversion of what it means to be Dalish. Her path was not her own, but chosen for her. Simply for the strengthening of the bonds between us and a favored banner kin, my lovely young vassal's life and future were promised away. Soven would not say it and is often angered by the assertion, but that is not the life she would have wished for herself. I know. I remember how she cried as a cub before Glen and I; believing her parents were ashamed of her for some silly superstition. How they wished nothing more but to cast their cursed child away.

Soven may pretend that she is indifferent to the opinions and feelings of others; but she’s always been a bit capricious in her dealings, but I recall the look in her eyes. I could have taken a stand. I could have refused to have a sworn sword. Others have done so in the past, and for similar reasons.

No Dalishkin wishes to deny another their autonomy. I truly believe that. Still, I could not deny the look in her eyes. Those beautiful dull lavender globes that reminded me of the pedals of bittersweet nightshade. Her truth lies behind those lovely eyes and I could not deny it. She would not survive another rejection. Least of all from her future lord and master. Someone who she was to devote her existence to. How could I have done that to her?

So I’ll admit, there are kin who are there for me. Devoted and caring kin whose lives are all about a man unworthy of the attention. Those who would give me whatever I asked, but none who would do so of their own accord. No matter what they say, duty, honor, and tradition motivate their actions. Not any true fondness for me. They care for me because that is what is expected, no, demanded of them; and I cannot see making anyone happy whose interest is born of obligation.

Cassie was none of those things. He was my sweet sun flower. His interest was genuine. His love was pure. Founded only on fondness and friendship, and maybe a little misguided hero worship. He was someone who  at the very least wanted me for me, damn who we were and the titles we held.

And therein lies the truth. The truth in my actions and the honesty of my feelings. I laid Cassie to the ground and shifted myself atop him. I kissed him vehemently and gratefully; savoring the sweet taste of guava still on his tongue from the noonday meal.

Goddess... he always smells so good. The scents may change, but they’re all so alluring. As I nuzzled neck, running my nose through the soft golden fur on his neck, he giggled

unashamedly. It was an amazing sound that filled me with joy. He sounded like a delighted cherub. His purrs and mewls a sweet symphony that aroused me almost as much as the latest fragrance. It reminded me of something like mimosa blossoms, warm musk, and a note of sun-kissed grapefruits, with just a bit of what I suspected was either sandalwood or heliotrope flower. I’ll admit a bit of fascination at the complexity of the scent.

Where my nose parted individual strands of fur, my wandering tongue darted between them. Matting the fluff and titillating the pink flesh underneath. I enjoyed the taste. The feel of him squirming beneath me. When his arms reached out and gripped my back, I began to suckle and lick with earnest, soliciting him to cry;

“Goddess, yes!”

I’ll admit, it was a motivator.

Breathing deeply, Cassie’s hand traced over me. First, his soft hands walked their way down my body, deftly removing any clasp or ties he could find. His finger then scrambles down my tunic. I had to shimmy and shrug as he pulled it up and over my head, scarf and all.

I held one hand down, bracing myself. Then the other did the same, leaving the tunic to fall to the ground; I felt Cassius brush his hand against my forearm before taking a grip. Slowly he ran his hand up to my bicep, pursing his lips the whole time.

“Soft fur, hard muscles... nice and strong. Your arms are so sexy, Addy.” he proclaimed.

I answered his pursed lips with a peck, but said nothing as I extricated myself from the cloth armor. My shirt fell open before him and his hand went to my chest. I may not be as robust as a leopard or a lion, but I take care of myself. Still, I felt immodest as he traced his hands over my chest. First in and then out, spreading his fingers through my pelt. When I close my eyes I can still feel his little paw pads tapping on my pecs. Embarrassingly I flexed them for him. Most likely blushing profusely the whole time.

Cassie was a doll. He yelped, and giggled, patting me on my chest; filling me with validation.

“So strong!” he giggled and I kissed him again.

Together we rolled around making out like little ladies learning for the first time. Don’t judge me like that, you know what I mean! Young girls often play the kissing game with one another, oft in fact to practice for some lucky lad. I don’t know if it is that he is the first lover, my junior, or if I was just that enthralled with him, but I assure you I was the aggressor.

He was different in that way, you know. I had to that point some experience with lovers. But most oft it is they who are aggressive with me. Though I always surpassed them in enthusiasm. It was nice to see both in action at once. It seemed to fuel Cassie’s desire!

I have had lovers and friends, paramours, and mentors; I laid with Elderians of unnatural beauty and sexual skill besides; and yet only one since Ari set my heart on fire. Cassie. In truth I love him.

And that’s when I stopped. My head whipped back like I’d been hit. And my eyes grew large as the fear set in. He instantly knew something was wrong because I cast my eyes away and could not hide my trepidation. Despite my fervor, my longing, my love, truth could not be denied. I could have Cassie. I could! He, no we, would want nothing more! But as sure as I knew he loved me, and I indeed loved him, I knew I could not keep him. There was no way.

“What is it,” he asked. He asked that every time. He asked it when I looked ashamed as he stole glances at me from behind my helping hands. He asked when we touched innocently and I stood away. He asked me after sundown when the night terrors came, why he could not remain, though I did not wish to sleep alone. He asked and he asked and he asked; but again I could not tell him of what stalled me.

It simply would not do. We both should know it would not do. Even if he is not the heir to his family, I am. And even if I weren’t, it still just would not do.

As loyal as Pride Eridanus is and always has been, there is no way they would not feel slighted by both Pride Assyrius and House Valenrow. Even we Dalish understand the wisdom in strengthening familial bonds with our vassals. In exchange for her life as my sword, I am to grant Soven a child. A who will be the tie that binds House Kellan to House Valenrow. So too does Pride Assyrius must renew such bonds with their oldest and most loyal vassals. Camden and Cassie must wed, and then where will I be?

And I just couldn’t take Camden’s idea. It’s just the  fancy of a fresh feline, new to her femininity. There’s no way one of our positions would not be allowed to do so. It would not be... proper.

Of course as Kings and Lords do, Queens and Ladies may also have as many husbands as they can handle. Most of Lioncourt is a matrilineal primogeniture. You know, the eldest inherits, gender be damned; but in all those cases it is the one who is higher up in the peerage. Both I, a duke's heir and count besides, and Cassie, a royal in the line of succession are above her in family or station. Now that doesn’t matter a hell of a whole lot to we Dalish, but in Assyria that really matters!

The peerage would put pressure on Pride Assyrius. The traditionalist would lose their minds, even despite how they view effeminate lions like Cassie. The hardliners who envy and despise my people in equal measure will lay the blame for the gaucherie at the feet of my kin and then the Aslanians will get involved. The ivory lions would salivate at the idea of getting them a pound of Dalish flesh.

Cassie saw my worry and smiled sweetly. It was enough to melt the cold prison beneath Mount Kjølen in the frozen wastelands of Snærheim. My heart, like I imagine cold Hildr in her endless prison grew hot with emotions. Not anger or rage like I’m sure the Queen of Snow had, but with the warmth that comes with friendship and comradery. It was a friend's smile. One that showed his concern for me.

“Tenet seventeen, Addy” He whispered before nuzzling his nose into my neck.

He was referring to the Code of Iron of course. Not quite the laws of Evandale, but the code we live by. Tenet six refers to a kin’s accountability, remarking on how it is the most important ability. Tenant twelve bids us to honor our social contracts, that we are more than individuals. That we as individuals suffer for the whole and the whole in turn works to limit the suffering of the individual. Seventeen, well seventeen I’ll quote verbatim; for I knew why Cassie would refer to it.

‘Yesterday and Tomorrow are abstract ideas. Only now is tangible. Learn from the past. Plan for the future; but let neither sway you so much that you lose perspective. For now is the only time you live in, so live it well honoring both.’

I could get philosophical about what all that means to me. How others interpret it. Instead I laid down beside Cassie and heeded the advice he was trying to give. I lived in the moment. He scooted back into me, placed his head back and pressed his butt into my crotch. He’d manage to remove my trousers so quickly that I wouldn’t have noticed if it weren’t for the breeze. Taking my cock in his hand he began to slowly massage it between his fingers.

“We’ll worry about tomorrow when tomorrow comes.” he cooed, kissing me. I was quick to remind him that tomorrow actually never comes; but he smiled and continued to play with my cock. He purred softly as he rubbed it between the folds of his ass.

“Then let us never worry,” he shrugged.

If only it were that simple. For a moment, I wished it were. For an even longer moment, I hoped that it did. Either way, I needed no further persuading to take my dick in hand and push it firm against his tailhole. His arm adjusted upwards as he wrapped it back around my neck and kissed me hard. I could hear him moan through the kiss as my member pierced his entry and I thrust ever so slightly inside.

“Just for now, be mine...” I asked, smiling.

“I will always be your sunflower, Addy. Always...”