Rouge XXIII (Patreon)

It was absolutely the most pathetic thing Rouge had ever seen.

A single burble of lava flowed up over the edge of the pit, flowing in a slow, puddingy mass that split into three parts, each one heading for one of the Priestess’ enemies. The tendrils turned black and hard before they went five feet.

More interesting to Rouge, however, was the boy who appeared in the air over the lava stream. He was maybe ten years old, with inhumanly orange hair that stood up from his head as if it was blowing in a hot wind. His reddish-orange eyes matched Evanora’s, though his skin seemed to naturally be the dark black of the makeup the priestess had slathered around her eyes. As Rouge watched, fascinated, the black skin seemed to crack, revealing a painful-seeming red and orange fissure, which the boy completely ignored. The fissure spread, then darkened, eerily like the cooling lava the boy was trying to direct toward Bonny.

Rouge peered at him, but her [Identify] skill just gave her back a series of gibberish symbols. “Who are you?” she asked, and he jumped, spinning to glare at her, though he looked at least as much confused as angry.

“I am Gurang, God of this volcano!” His glowing eyes traveled over her, and he seemed to flinch. “Why is the Saintess of Gina here?” he demanded, pointing a finger at her. The tip of the digit glowed red, dripped off, and reformed without him even seeming to notice. “You’re not allowed to try to convert my followers! I have less than three hundred worshippers, so it’s against the rules!”

“Wait, there are rules?” Her voice cut through Evanora’s continuing pleas for aid, and the priestess stopped, blinked, and looked around.

“To whom do you speak, enemy of my God?”

Rouge pointed at the boy. “Him. Gurang. The kid who’s trying to toast Bonny’s toes to teeny tiny tinder.”

Gurang waved his hand dismissively. “They can’t see me. Even Evanora can’t, at least not without a Cleansing Ritual and a few hours of meditation in the caldera.”

Rouge pointed from the dumbstruck priestess to the young god. “Wait, so your own priestess can’t tell you’re standing right there?”

He sighed and folded his arms, though he looked more than a little chagrined. “A God’s strength is determined by the number and strength of their followers. I’m just… not quite strong enough to appear whenever I want, yet. You can only see me because of your close relationship with one of the most powerful Goddesses.”

By now, everything but Rouge and Gurang had come to a halt. Bonny, Grace, and Evanora all stared at Rouge, though Evanora cast more than a few penetrating looks at the space Rouge was talking to. Rouge twirled her Mambele in her hand, unsure what to do. Should she attack the god? Could she even hurt him? Did she want to?

“Can you… tell her to leave us alone?” she asked, finally. “And maybe stop raiding other islands for sacrifices, so we don’t have to do this again? I mean, you probably lost at least twenty worshipers in all this, and surely that has to be bad, if your power is based on how many people follow you.”

Gurang looked down, his cheeks cracking into blazing orange flows of embarrassment. “I don’t know why they do that. I mean, I do. It’s because Evanora’s great-great-grandmother misunderstood me when I asked for plentiful jokes. She thought I said ‘beautiful folks’, and things have just been getting worse ever since. But I don’t know why they still do it, even though I haven’t told them to continue.”

“Jokes,” Rouge repeated. “Your worshipers have been killing innocent people for at least five generations because you wanted a good laugh?”

His bottom lip poked out. “I like jokes! And I was younger then. But when the first sacrifice was thrown in, it gave me indigestion, and I accidentally… threw up a little. They thought that meant I was mad because it wasn’t enough, and now every time I get a little queasy, they start chucking people in, which actually makes it worse.”

He hesitated, glowing eyes shifting away. “But for some reason, more people started following me, and I grew stronger, so I just never quite actually told them to stop. Though it still makes me sick.” He pressed a hand to his stomach, and the hand and stomach briefly merged into a single mass of molten stone, which made Rouge a little queasy.

Rouge saw Evanora shift her feet, and pointed at the Priestess with her Mambele. “No. Stay.” The woman froze, and Rouge pointed at Gurang with her free hand. “This… god says you people have it all wrong. He wanted you to tell him jokes, and instead you started killing people. And, of course,” she cast a look at the young god, “more people joined your religion, since it was probably the only way to keep you from throwing them in, too, and here we are.”

“Jokes?” Evanora said, doubtfully. “We do not tell… jokes.”

Rouge snorted. “Oh, of course not. Because murdery psychos are never funny.” Something occurred to her, and she pulled up the quest that had brought her here.

Quest: “Don’t Be So Shellfish” begun.

Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet? Because they can spend years at C! A friend of mine got a job where he had to sleep on a dessert island. It was his dream job! No, seriously, I can do this all day. Some people call these dad jokes, but I just call them funny. Maybe there’s someone who doesn’t have a dad and needs to hear these? Remember, somewhere inside all of us is the power to change the world.

NOTE: This is a timed quest.

Success: Reunite father and child. +10000 XP. +100 Gold. Optional item depending on success conditions.

Failure: A man must learn to live without his heart. A child must learn to live without her hero.

Time remaining: 9:12:36:34

Quest update: “Don’t Be So Shellfish”

You have received a clue that Cap’n Matt may have been sold to the Gurangalongians. Investigate, and find out what you can of the captain’s fate.

“Why,” Rouge asked, “does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?”

Silence reigned until Bonny rolled her eyes. “I’ve heard this one before. Because they can spend years at ‘C’.”

Grace shook her head, Evanora looked baffled, and Gurang laughed. As he laughed, the smoke billowing from the pit slowed, becoming paler and more translucent. Even the stink of rotten eggs faded.

Encouraged, Rouge tried the next one.

“A friend of mine got a job where he had to sleep on a dessert island. It was his dream job!” This time everyone looked blank except Vexxx, who had seen the joke written down. Rouge’s brain locked up, and even though her dad had told her hundreds of these jokes, not a single one would come to mind.

::What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?:: Silus asked. Rouge looked up at her friend. ::Thunderwear!:: the bat squeaked, giggling so hard she probably would have fallen from the sky if she hadn’t just landed on Rouge’s shoulder.

Rouge choked on her own laughter, but managed to get the joke out anyway. Gurang chortled gleefully, and the smoke abated entirely, revealing the brilliant blue sky visible above them.

Cautiously, like a woman treading into an uncharted minefield, Evanora said, “How do we know the ocean is friendly?”

Everyone turned to stare at her, but she kept her eyes fixed on the space Rouge had been talking to as she said, “It… waves?”

The delivery was terrible, but Gurang still chuckled, and one last puff of smoke emerged into the air, forming a suspiciously perfect heart shape that hovered in front of the priestess’ face. The woman fell to her knees.

“Oh, great Gurang, forgive us! We have failed you!” She fell forward into the dust, which puffed up around her, darkening her medium-brown skin to something closer to Gurang’s cooled-lava black.

Gurang stepped forward and leaned down to pat the woman’s shoulder gently. He looked over at Rouge. “Um, would you tell her it’s okay?”

Rouge set her fists on her hips and looked around. Bodies lay scattered around, and though a few of them looked like they were simply unconscious, most were clearly no longer among the living. At the edge of the caldera, Scar and the other people abducted from Farewell Island huddled, looking frightened and confused. Vexxx stood beside them, the point of his sword digging into the rocky ground as he leaned on it as if it were a cane.

“No,” she said firmly. “Because it’s not okay.” She pointed to Scar and the three islanders. “These people need to be taken home, and your worshippers need to try to make up for their actions somehow.”

The little god sighed, biting his lip. He dug a bare toe into the ground and muttered, “This is why I didn’t wanna tell anybody.”

Rouge narrowed her eyes at him. “Do I need to call Gina?” Not that Gina would probably answer. Bridget used to have a sort of AI goddess-substitute for when she wasn’t available, but that seemed to have gone AWOL the last few months, so Rouge just got the generic ‘Your God has heard you’ messages if Bridget wasn’t around. That was probably something Rouge should ask about, but she’d been a little busy.

A spiderweb of glowing orange cracks fissured over Gurang’s face, and Rouge wondered if that counted as going pale. “No! Just tell Evanora to send these people home, and then do the Cleansing and meditation. And learn some jokes.”

Rouge rolled her eyes, but passed on the message, which Gurang helpfully reinforced with a smoke-cloud shaped suspiciously like a smiley face. Evanora immediately prostrated herself once again, and it took another long five minutes to get her up and moving. Meanwhile, Rouge and the others were realizing that it was really hot in the caldera of an active volcano, and they’d really like to leave.

That was when Jean finally managed to make it up the hill. She and Horatio were red-faced, but determined, though that determination quickly melted into bafflement as they saw everyone just standing around. She lowered the sword she’d had raised as she limped into sight, and Scar nearly spitted himself on the tip as he rushed toward her, clasping her tightly in his arms. The pirate just stood there for a moment before her sword dropped to the ground and she clutched her husband tightly.

It was all very touching, but Rouge was about to turn away and give them some privacy when she heard a word she hadn’t been expecting. Rounding on them, she pointed at Scar. “Did you say Matthew?”

Jean definitely looked displeased at the interruption, but Scar stepped back and turned to look at Rouge. He nodded and lifted his hand to the old scar and the new wound on his temple. “Yes. I was the captain of a vessel Shale took several years ago. Jean infiltrated our ship, but she only ever heard the men call me ‘Cap’n’, so she didn’t know my name. During Shale’s attack, I was injured, and lost my memory.” He smiled at his wife. “Jean called me Scar as a way to remind her father that I couldn’t be sold to the Guranglongians until I was healed, and the name stuck.”

Rouge walked closer, though she could feel Vexxx’s eyes burning into her. “So, you got hit again, and your memories came back?”

::What is this,:: Vexxx said, disgust clear in his voice. ::One of Nana’s shows?::

Scar nodded, since he couldn’t hear Vexxx’s comment. “Exactly. My name is Matthew. Matt. And,” his eyes widened, “I have a daughter! Matilda!” He turned to his wife, expression frantic. “Jean, we have to go back to Bright! I left Tilda with her aunt, but-”

Quest update: “Don’t Be So Shellfish”

You have found Cap’n Matt. Now get him back to Matilda before the deadline!

Time remaining: 9:11:54:17

“There was a plague in Bright,” Rouge said. “Her aunt died. Matilda was sent to an orphanage, but that closed. She’s living in Refuge now, and she asked me to come find you.”

Silus squeaked.

Rouge cleared her throat. “Us,” she corrected. “She asked us to come find you.”

Now Scar - Cap’n Matt - was laser-focused on Rouge. “She’s all right?”

Rouge nodded, and filled him in quickly on everything Matilda had been through. He grew paler and paler until she came to the part where Matilda was about to be adopted, and then he whirled on his wife.

“Jean! We have to go get her!”

Jean, who had been looking more conflicted the longer Rouge spoke, hesitantly said, “We were in a hurry to save you. The Star was wrecked. We can’t-”

Matt became white as a sheet. Spinning on his heel, he marched over to Evanora, who was just standing up from where she had been attempting to commune with her god. Grabbing her by the shoulder with his good hand, he said, “You owe us! Your god said you have to make things right, and you can start by fixing our ship!”

A flash of anger and pride tightened Evanora’s face beneath the black ash that coated it, but then she bowed her head. “And so we shall. Though,” her lips pinched together, “it will take effort to convince my people that we have been… misguided, for some time.”

Rouge turned on Gulang, who was looking distinctly bored now that the excitement was over. The boy-god was attempting to juggle chunks of lava, though he was nowhere near as good as the fish-jugglers of Farewell Island.

Which actually gave her an idea.

“Gulang, you owe us a miracle,” she said firmly. The god’s eyes opened wide, and she could tell he was about to say no when she added, “I know some really good jugglers who might be willing to come and do a show for you.” She glanced at the priestess. “Or, can you see through Evanora’s eyes or something?”

The volcano god definitely looked intrigued, and the balls of molten rock he’d been throwing around melted back into his body. “Not yet,” he admitted, “but if she prays to me from somewhere nearby, I can probably see the area around her.”

Nodding, Rouge said, “Then how about this? We’ll take Evanora to the best jugglers I’ve ever seen in my life, if you fix our ship.”

Absently, Gulang scratched at his ribs, leaving rivulets of lava in the wake of his fingers. Finally, he nodded. “I suppose I can do that. It’ll take a lot of power, but it’ll help prove I don’t want my followers to throw anyone else into me.” His skin faded to the color of pale ash. “I really can’t stand the taste of people.”

“Deal!” Rouge turned to Evanora. “You’re coming with us. Your god wants, um, you to learn to juggle. And tell jokes. So, I’m going to introduce you to some people on Farewell Island. Though you may want to go incognito, since they don’t particularly like you at the moment. In exchange, Gurang’s going to fix our ship, which will also help prove to the rest of the Guranglongians that you haven’t gone crazy.”

Evanora looked more than a little overwhelmed, which was fair, but she nodded. Looking around, she said, “I must get aid for our fallen warriors, anyway. None of my people will step onto the sacred volcano without permission from a priest or priestess, and I am not trained in the ways of healing.”

Rouge thought about offering the woman a health potion or two, but, frankly, she didn’t actually like her, or the Guranglongians in general, so she wasn’t going to go out of her way to help. It wasn’t like Gurang himself seemed to actually care, either, since he was already back to juggling. Badly.

Quickly, they decided that Evanora would lead the way back down the volcano, since she wouldn’t be attacked or captured on sight. Rouge quietly slipped both Bonny and Scar a healing pot, and the crew and the freed islanders trailed the priestess down the mountain, leaving Rouge, Vexxx, and Silus bringing up the rear.

Rouge looked at her cousin. “That was kind of anticlimactic, wasn’t it?”

He grunted, exchanging his sword for a proper staff that he could lean on while they walked back down the winding path. ::And we could have avoided half of it if you’d just asked Jean and Scar about the Monnow as soon as we found out Jean was part of Shale’s crew. Which is exactly what I wanted to do. We never even needed to leave the ship, so we would have been able to keep the Gurang-sits from yeeting Scar.::

She sighed. “Maybe. But then the Gurangalongians would still be chucking people into the volcano.”

::But they wouldn’t be people who affected our quest,:: Vexxx muttered.

::Well, I’m glad it worked out this way!:: Silus piped up. ::We helped a lot of people, and we’re going to get Matilda’s dad back to her.:: She leaned against Rouge’s neck, and when she spoke again, she sounded subdued. ::Though they’ll probably want to take Matilda away, won’t they? I mean, there’s not a lot for boat-people to do in Refuge.::

That hadn’t occurred to Rouge, but the bat was probably right. The thought made her sad, but there wasn’t really anything she could do about it, so she tucked it away to think about later. “I’m glad we were there to help, too. Everything worked out for the best, and now we can all go home.”

Vexxx rolled his eyes, but he didn’t bother arguing.