Head shapes and spinal fluids (Patreon)

When something significant happens in your life, it almost warps time around itself. It's been 11 days since surgery, and it feels like it's been both way longer and way shorter.  It's too big to be put on a timeline, like a black hole bending light around it.

I had a bit of a scare this weekend and had to go to the ER. My right ear suddenly felt like it was filled with water and I couldn't hear out of it. Turns out it's a pretty common side effect of craniotomy, but it was a good reminder for myself that I'm not fully on the other side of this yet.

Day after surgery

Other than that, I'm not sure I've ever been this excited about life as post-surgery. Finding out about the brain tumor, I was faced with losing everything. Not just all the parts that make up my life, but also the parts that make up me. And waking up after surgery feeling fine was the biggest relief of my entire life. It was like I suddenly got my whole future back. And I love my life on a normal day, but when you've threatened to lose it, getting it back felt like the most precious glittering gift.

Got my 1 million play button!

I know that as much as I'm trying to hold on to this feeling it's going to fade. And that's ok. But I don't want to forget some of the practical things that this experience has given me:

• I'm so grateful that I've spent 27 years taking good care of my body. It showed up for me when I needed it the most. I've meditated and done yoga every day for almost a year now and I did miss one day after surgery, but  between the vomiting and the catheter I feel like I had a pretty legit excuse to skip.

• I'm so grateful for the people around me. I always have a lot of appreciation for my friends and family, but going through something like this where I really needed help and so many showed up for me makes me think about how I can be there more for the people around me.

My mom and I before surgery

• I want to build more stuff! More shop time, and I want to be less stringent about just building shitty robots. I happened to stumble on shitty robots because I was just exploring things I found interesting without judgement, and I want to keep that approach in building other stuff too. 

Maybe you won't enjoy watching videos of me making random art projects, but I want to give myself the space to explore it and not feel to stuck in a concept. I'm going to make "if I find it interesting there are probably other people who do too" my new rule of thumb and follow it no matter where it leads me.

I promise I'll make more interesting content than me putting together jigsaw puzzles though.

I'm going to keep going slow for a few weeks and not rush back into work. Not just to help with recovery, but this is also the most legitimate excuse for some proper fricking vacation that I've ever had.

XOXO