A long, boring text. (Patreon)

So... I don't even really know what to say or when to start. I'm physically well, I guess. The biggest issues I had have been sore pains. A few days ago I "promoted" from helping people on land to going on a small boat to try and help people still stuck in flooded places or searching for missing people.

I guess... I'm glad I could help a bit, but I also feel much worse after starting to do that. And that in itself makes me feel guilty.

I spoke to a friend yesterday, and after everything I tried to explain to him, he said what I was feeling sounded a lot like survivors guilt. Which is actually, in a twisted way, funny. He's probably right. My house is nowhere near the heavily flooded areas, the worst that happened here were power outages. I myself was not directly affected by the waters.

So I should be helping.

The drawings I finished, they were the hardest I have done to date. Because whenever I sat down to draw, the memories of what I saw in the flooded sections came to tell me "if you have time to draw, you have time to help. You can't waste time doing stuff like drawing, watching shows or sleeping in when people are suffering like that near you".

I started to lose sleep. Last saturday I barely ate because I gave my food to a kid who wanted a hamburger. And I did so with a big, dumb smile in my face. I felt happy that I was making a kid happy after he lost his home, and his mom smiled at me with an expression, a smile with so many emotions that I won't forget in a long time.

I know this page is focused on my art and the girls we all like to see, but I feel like I can't keep trying to separate my art and who I am as an artist to who I am as a person. I did that for so long, ever since I started to draw muscle women and was judged and shunned for it. And now, I feel like I can't move on from this, and it's affecting me in more than just productivity.

I'm only human. I'm only A human. One person that can't seem to do enough to help the people I see suffering so much.

I'm sorry for the rant. For the unfinished ideas and half-justified points. Like I said, I don't really know what to say. I just felt that I had to try and explain to you all what's happening.

And I will continue my works here - it is my current job and something that makes me happy - but it has been really hard to justify myself... To myself. Which sounds crazy, probably is, and I probably really need to talk about all this with my therapist.

I hope to see you all soon. I miss streaming and I have such fun and interesting commissions lined up, I want to do all of them... I just feel like I'm too priviledged to stop helping long enough to draw.

Anyways, sorry for all this. I hope it at leasts makes some sense and you can understand why posts, comms and new art from me in general is taking so long.

I hope you all are well.