The Missing Months (Patreon)

Content warning for mental illness.

And I cringe at having to say that, yet again, but here we are.  I genuinely do hate how much of my communication is talking about that; I hate feeling like a whiner or like I'm bumming people out when my entire job is literally to entertain people.  But, it's definitely not going to stop anytime soon, and maybe that's not so terrible.  I started talking openly about depression and related struggles out of simple professionalism, figuring that if updates were delayed or skipped I owed it to my readers to be transparent about why.  I've kept at it for the same reason, and also because a surprising number of people have said it helped them with their own struggles to have a content creator being frank and up front about these topic.  So I'm glad at least some good comes of it, anyway.

But anyway, the purpose of this post is to address the lack of important monthly things from the entirety of March and April, and to explain and apologize for that.  I'm very sorry to have let you down.

Basically, it has been real bad.  It's slowly and steadily getting worse and I don't really know what to do about it, mostly because I can't really do anything.  Shit happens.

I know it's considered The Done Thing to make fun of the Twilight Saga, and fair enough, Twilight is terrible.  But it does have one little detail that Stephenie Meyer got not only absolutely right but more perfect than I've ever seen done as well anywhere else, and that's the depiction of a three-month depressive episode as three blank pages with the names of those months and no other content.  It really is exactly like that; that is chillingly spot on.

In hindsight I'm a little perplexed that I actually got any chapters out during March and April; my memory of doing them is basically nonexistent.  I've had to re-read them each time it's time to work on the next one because I'm losing my grasp of important details from them.  In the last two months, I did my taxes and my cat had to go to the vet for an emergency visit, and those are basically the only two things I remember happening because they were stressful and that seems to be the only thing that breaks through the fog.  

Anyway, I don't want to yammer on too much more about that, it feels self-indulgent and unpleasant; I just want to be clear about what's up with me because I believe people are entitled to explanations.  What's more important is what happens next.

First, the incredibly dissatisfying news: the missed bonus nomination and voting periods and AMAs from those two months are going to remain missed.  I'm really sorry and I hate doing that, but if there is one consistent lesson I have learned from my years of learning to function as a mentally ill creator, it's that trying to play catch-up will cause me to spiral into an ever-deeper episode of depression and stress until it shuts me down completely.  When I fail, I have to acknowledge that I did, pick myself up and proceed with what's next.  I'm really sorry about the lost content, especially since it's lost specifically to Patreon backers, the people I rely on the most.  Experience has taught me that moving on is the only way to make sure more isn't lost.

So, tomorrow being the first of May and a new month, I'll be re-launching everything.  AMA posts will go up, as well as the next bonus nomination post.

For future reference, I will never be offended if anybody reaches out to remind me of something if the usual date or time goes by and I've been silent.  I know a lot of people might think of that as rude so let me just assure everyone up front that it's totally fine.  Not to offload the responsibility onto you or anything, but if an update is missed with no word there's a very good chance I'm in some kind of fugue state and getting prompted is not only the best way to ensure the content gets made but can actually help shake me out of it.

I wish I had realistic options for getting my shit together; I hate letting people down.  The cold reality though is that I live in the United States on the income of a fantasy novelist, and the option for mental health care available to me is to go fuck myself, discreetly, somewhere the genteel folk don't have to see.  Which is a complaint directed at the general state of the world and in absolutely no way at my supporters.  I used to be living in a much worse part of the United States on the income of a retail wage slave, and everything about my life is so much better now, thanks entirely to all of you.  I honestly don't think I would still be alive if I hadn't gotten out of that situation and I owe that to my readers and supporters.

I'll never be able to thank you enough, or to apologize enough for these repeated slip-ups.  So I'm just gonna do the best I can to make sure you still have some cool stuff to read.  The stories will continue as long as I am able to function in any capacity at all.

Thanks, everyone.