Bard of the Wild (Chapter 8) (Patreon)

A quest has been completed!

I look over to a large building, it looks like a repurposed windmill, with a large circular tower, but instead of any spinning blades there just seems to be a frankly massive telescope pointed towards the south.

That's not what is drawing my attention, however.

What is, is the woman in the front yard building a... car?

What the fuck? Who is that?

Is that a car?

Why is there a car?!

HOW is there a car?!

So many fucking questions.

Linkle and I both stare at a woman with long white hair tied up into a large bun at the back of her head, she wears a red form fitting suit and is hunched over what I can only assume to be some form of dune buggy. She wears a tan-ish loose coat and has high heeled shoes.

She apparently hears our approach as she slowly rises to her full height, she has some form of golden goggles over her eyes that look sort of chameleon-esque

She reaches into her sleeve and retrieves- huh?

"Who goes there?" She frowns as she points her weapon at us. It seems cobbled together from guardian parts, but it is irrefutable just what that is.

"Is that a fucking gun?!" I gasp.

I can see her cautious expression pause slightly, she slowly reaches up to her goggles and pulls them upwards, revealing circular glasses, red eyes, and red eyeshadow. "Yes..."

I flinch back.

'HOLY FUCK! She's hot as hell! Who the fuck is she?!'

"Purah?" Linkle whispers.

The womans eyes seem to glow for a moment as she rapidly scans my traveling companion, a grin forming on her lips. "Linky?!"

"Oh my goddess... Purah you look like you haven't aged even a day! What the hell?!" The blonde next to me shouts.

The morning sun slowly raises from the horizon as the fucking SMOKING HOT woman places a hand on her hip. "Well, I wouldn't say I haven't aged a day... this body is like... twenty six or so. So I've aged about... maybe six or seven years since we last met."

"You... got rid of your red highlights." Linkle frowns as she slowly walks closer, taking off the mask of truth and placing it within her sheikah slate with a small flash of blue.

"Yeah, they made me look a little immature." The inventor shrugs as she gives the hero of hyrule a once-over. "Digging the new clothes, by the way. That's some tough stuff."

"Yeah, we got pretty lucky in finding it." Linkle continues, causing Purah's gaze to return to me.

"So. Who's he?" She asks "Sheikah protection?"

Mommy? Sorry. Mommy? Sorry-

Damn. I knew she was attractive in Age of Calamity, but now? Holy shit.

I pull my mask down, causing her eyes to widen slightly, a smirk forming on her lips. "Oh? I wasn't aware that the Sheikah clan had anyone so cute. Impa's been holding out on me."

"Aurum." The sword on my back states blandly in an almost self loathing manner. "She has it."

An adult Purah's- which is still sort of shocking- eyes glow as she looks over me, beginning to list off things that not even I knew about myself. "Seventeen and a half. Muscle and bone density sixty-five-point-three-eight above most of the more impressive Sheikah warriors. Predominantly uses a blade in his left hand but is capable of ambidextrous fighting. Virgin. Holds some form of power of similar quality to Princess Zelda. Is this magic? Hn. Just who are you?"

Her eyes stray downwards. "Genital length of eight point two inches when at complete arousal. Nice. The biggest Hylian I've ever seen, at least."

"PURAH!" Linkle shouts.

"Heh heheheheh." The woman begins laughing under her breath.

'Holy shit I want to put my dick in that so bad. What the fuck?'

She looks back over to me, freezing in shock as her eyes stray to the weapon on my back. "H-Huh?"

She quickly speedwalks over, eyes locked to the hilt of my sword. "What? A sword that seals the darkness?! This is... impossible!"

She walks around me. "You... are no mere Sheikah guardian... you are... a hero?"

"Aurum. She has the-"

I manage to drag my eyes away from her chest which after careful observation I can tell has a broken button- to something that has been bothering me slightly, the golden glow on the back of her- oh my fucking-

"LINKLE SHE HAS MY FUCKING THING!" I shout as I gesture wildly at her body with my hands.

"H-Huh?!" The woman seems genuinely stunned at my outburst.

"Hm?" Linkle hums as she steps around me, eyes drawn to the back of Purah's hand where a symbol of three triangles rests. The tri-force, containing what I can only assume to be 'Knowledge'. "Huh... well I'll be damned. She has your thing. Strange. At least we know where two of three are."

"I- I feel like I'm missing a little context here." The Sheikah scientist weakly begins.

"Oh, believe me, we both are." Linkle nods. "Now spill. Why aren't you old. What the hell are you even building, how do I use this ancient technology for more than maps and storage, WHY DID YOU STEAL MY FUCKING CLOTHES?!"

The last question seems to catch her genuinely off guard, then the corners of her mouth turn upwards and she begins cackling. "PAHAHAHA oh! I forgot I did that! Ahh... one hundred year joke. Totally worth it."

"You bitch!" Linkle pouts. "Do you know how MORTIFIED I was?!"

"You got over it though." Purah smirks.

Linkle stares for a long moment. "Why don't I steal your clothes and dump you out in the wilderness and see how you like it?"

"Please." I grumble under my breath, but Purah either doesn't hear it or takes it in stride.

"Oh my. How forwards, Linky, do you perhaps... not have feelings for your traveling companion here? You seemed close when you walked over." The woman gasps scandalously. "Why don't we go up to my room and I show you just what I've learned over the past one hundred years."

"Clearly not much, 'Check it' girl. I thought you were allergic to men." Linkle gives the white haired woman a half-lidded stare.

"I've had more action than you." The woman smirks sultrily.

"I've been dead. It would be worrying if I HAD seen action." Linkle continues.

"Oh? So you haven't considered popping the old cherry with your friend here? That's a shame." Purah states with an impish smile.

"Tell me about it." I scoff, causing a dusting of pink to appear on Linkle's cheeks and a Cheshire-cat like grin to appear on Purah's.

"A-Answer my other questions." The hero of hyrule stutters.

"I have one as well. Where the fuck did you get that?" I ask as I point to the back of Purah's hand.

"Questions Questions." The woman states. "hrn. Alright. I developed an anti-aging rune with Sheikah technology. For a time, it was unstable and returned me to when I was roughly... five or six years old. It seemed to have flipped my age instead of reversing it like I wanted. Like turning over an hourglass. It seems I only had six years of life left, thus it made me six years old. After which I used new knowledge- which had appeared roughly three or four months ago when this thing here appeared on the back of my hand- to perfect a secondary rune to speed up my aging process until I became my prime. After which point, I used a third rune to pause my aging entirely."

"You... discovered immortality?!" Linkle gasps.

"Yes." The woman nods once. "Pretty cool, right? That's one of each of your questions answered so now for one of my own. Who are you exactly?"

She looks to me in inquiry. "You are clearly a hero as you are capable of wielding a sword that seals the darkness, plus you have a connection to this strange power I have found myself with. Just who are you?"

"My name is Aurum. I have amnesia and most of what I know has been told to me by the sentient sword on my back. She told me that I used to have three of those little triangles in my possession, so I'm inclined to believe her."

"Hn. Hn." The woman nods as she looks back to Linkle. "Anyways, now you. This is something I've been creating using knowledge I've gained from this little Tri-force here. The same thing that could be said for my weapon here."

She shakes the gun, turning back to me. "How did you know about this in the first place?"

"Guns were fairly common back where you came from. As were vehicles like that."

"Those weapons and vehicles were- apparently- fairly common back where I was from. According to my sword."

"Hm. Your sword really speaks to you?" She continues.

"It has spoken to Linkle as well, right?" I ask, glancing to the side.

The girl in question nods once.

"Hey now. That was two questions." I frown. "We both get two now."

"Two for four? What I am doing now is completely and totally fair. Two questions for two questions."

"You stole MY knowledge, hell, you're probably the sole reason I have amnesia. I deserve answers. Two for four."

"Fffine." The woman sighs as she looks to Linkle. "You?"

"How do I use the Sheikah Slate?" Linkle questions.

"You... seriously didn't figure it out?!" Purah gasps.

"it's not like you left directions for me!" Linkle shoots back.

"Linky... how have you survived?!"

"She nearly didn't." I cut in. "Kohga got another one of my funky triangles and it allowed him to track her location on her first night off the plateau. I stepped in and saved her though... speaking of which."

I reach over and touch Linkle's shoulders. "About eight hours have passed."

She glows dimly as she offers a quiet thanks before looking back to Purah. "Alright. So you'll teach me... another question, do you know where the lover's pond is?"

"The Lovers Pond?" Purah blinks.

A devious smile crosses her lips as she nudges Linkle with her elbow. "My my, Linky. I know traveling with a hunk like that can make a girl feel all tingly inside, but to go so far? So soon?"

"What?" The girl asks with a head tilt. "We need to go there to get a potentially powerful mask. What does that have to do with all of that?"

"…"

"It's the lover's pond." Purah repeats slowly.

"Yeah? I sort of want to know what happened to the two lovers that its name was based on. Something horrifying must of happened. To them to be memorialized like that." Linkle states.

"Maybe they drowned." I snort with a small grin, causing the blonde to let out a low hum and nod.

"Linkle- you- wh- you... you can't be- did something happen in the restoration process." Purah stutters.

She didn't like where that teasing conversation was going, so she decided to play dumb. Not bad. If I was even just slightly less observant, I wouldn't have been able to tell.

"Hm?" Linkle hums. "What are you on about? Can we go inside now we've run all night and I'm a little tired."

"Sure." The woman shrugs as we as a group begin walking towards the building. "Now you. What sort of questions are you pondering?"

"Would you consider maybe showing me what you learned the past one hundred years?" I ask with a small smirk.

"A-AURUM!" Linkle sounds horrified.

The white haired woman matches my smile, looking me up and down. "Hn... maybe."

"WHAT?!" The blonde shouts again.

"Hell yeah." I whisper under my breath, loud enough for the two to hear me. "Anyway, now for my second question, probably much more important... do you know where the twelve missing divine beasts are."

Purah nearly trips mid-step as she shakily looks over her expression lightly dazed. "Eh?"

**Linebreak**

The last note of my hour long song is finished, the mist spewing from my shamisen condenses, gaining color and shape as an image is shown before us. Some form of circular stilt-like house beside an ocean.

Purah who had been biting her thumbnail lens forwards slightly. "That architecture... that looks sort of like one of the houses in Lurelin village towards the south... is this 'Vah Sarin' truly there?"

"The way the spell works is that It grows stronger the more information we have on a target. it won't tell us the exact location until we get some more much needed knowledge. As it is currently, it is guiding us to a location where we can get said knowledge. At which point I will need to play again and it will probably guide us to another location. Where we might be able to find more, then eventually we will probably find it."

The woman lets out a long sigh. "Alright. Well, you're in luck, I suppose. The 'Lovers Pond' you seem so keen on going to is near Lurelin fishing village.

"Really?!" Linkle gasps, causing Purah to nod once.

"That's helpful. We can deal with this mask nonsense either before or after." I nod to my traveling companion.

"Regardless... twelve missing divine beasts." The woman frowns. "That is... a fairly specific number."

"It is." I nod once.

"Is there a reason for that?" She questions, causing me to silently shrug.

"I see."

There's a dull thud as the window opens, a large egg-like sphere with a glowing blue eye flies into the room, kept in the air by four propellers... sort of like a drone. It's overall the size of like... a small child.

"A GUARDIAN!" Linkle shouts as she reaches down, a crossbow forms in her hand from her sheikah slate, she aims-

"WAIT!" Purah shouts, causing Linkle to flinch, pull the trigger and imbed the bolt into the wall just above the open window.

"Wh-"

"That's mine." Purah declares.

The blonde hero stares for a long moment. "You... built a Guardian?!"

"Eh, I wouldn't call it a guardian... it has no weapons at all, after all." Purah smiles as she stands up and walks over to the drone.

*Thud*

Its propellers stop and it crashes to the floor, causing her smile to become strained.

"Why did you build it?" Linkle frowns as we watch the Sheikah scientist walk over to the egg drone, roll it over slightly and- pulls... a second... Sheikah Slate... from her pocket...

"WHAT?!" Linkle shouts while lifting her own sheikah slate. "I THOUGHT THIS ONE WAS THE ONLY ONE?!"

"How else would I be able to use runes?" The woman hums as she plugs her ancient iphone into the side of the little egg shaped robot.

The screen glows a bright blue as she pulls it out, gazing over the screen.

She nods once. "Alright. So this one works too."

She walks back over to us. "A while back I made this bad boy to go off and survey the area. Sort of like a Sheikah tower. I didn’t know when they themselves would rise, so I had planned on just creating a map of Hyrule on my own. This one here just scanned some of the Death Mountain area. It's by no means a perfect map, missing out on a large part of the volcano itself and any changes that might have happened since the Sheikah towers rose, but it is something."

She shows us a small map of the south as well. "I also had them take a little look around the Faron area. They didn't get all the way to the Zonai ruins, but the one I sent out got a majority of the eastern half, that includes Lurelin village and the lovers pond just to the west of it. The main issue is getting to it."

"Why's that?" Linkle questions. "it's only a little bit to the south west of here, right?"

"Yes. But the issue is that the road to get there starts at the heart of Hyrule... all the way back towards the great plateau."

"That far?!" The blonde growls as she slumps over slightly, letting out a long self loathing groan.

"There is a second option... I've heard that there is a cave route that cuts through the mountains to the south. The only issue is that I have also heard that a Hinox lives in it." The scientist informs.

"What color?" Linkle questions.

"No clue." Purah replies with a small headshake. "It wasn't really that interesting to me, so I never asked."

"Regardless of color, we should be able to take it, right?" I question.

"Hn." The blonde hums, cupping her chin and thinking deeply for a moment. "If it's red, we should have no issue at all, a blue would probably also be reasonable. A black one... that's a bit more challenging. I've seen Black Hinox shrug off fire from ballista with only minor injuries. Arrows might not even pierce the skin, and you can forget about slashing it hard enough to do any real damage with a sword or axe. It also depends on how much combat it has seen. Less experienced ones won't guard its greatest weakness, the eye, but one who has fought even a little will start guarding it if it had been shot there in the past."

"So the question is, do we go there in one day, fighting a potentially threatening thing, or do we take several days to get there?" I mutter to myself.

"It'd be possibly a week or so to get there. We'd need to walk all the way back to the great plateau... then all the way back."

After a little longer she lets out a low click. "We should try and defeat the Hinox."

I nod along with her as I cross my arms.

A quest has been retrieved.

"Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go!" Purah grins. "I want to find the location of a new divine beast!"

"We traveled through the entire night. While I might be fine with a little nap, I think Linkle might want a little bit longer." I cut in, gesturing to Linkle who, after a moment of quiet realization, lets out a small yawn.

The scientist lets out a long sigh, her shoulders slumping. "Fine."

**Linebreak**

Travel to Hateno Village:
A woman by the name of Purah is said to live in Hateno Village. She's apparently some sort of genius when it comes to ancient tech. Impa has suggested you go and find her.

Objective:  
Travel to Hateno Village: [x]

Bonus Objectives:
Reach Hateno in 24 Hours (00:00:00) [-]
Reach Hateno in 48 Hours (00:00:00) [-]
Reach Hateno in 72 Hours (00:00:00) [-]

Reward: 2500 Exp

Damn.

I mean, we did stay for a week in Kakariko Village, so I mean, it's not like I failed this quest by a narrow margin. I failed the bonus objectives by several days.

And speaking of a quest that more than likely has bonus objectives with a time limit?

Travel to Lurelin Village:
You have heard tales... from your magic Japanese instrument... that there is a hint to an undiscovered divine beast somewhere within this fishing village.

Objective:
Travel to Lurelin Village: [ ]

I stretch, letting out a quiet yawn as I look up to the sky through the window of the room I was resting in up until a few minutes ago.

It's about mid-day. Linkle went to bed almost instantly while I lingered around for a little bit, playing my instrument to gain a little more information on the world around us.

Firstly, it is a Red Hinox.

Thank you, Divination. Ten minutes well spent.

Next, I Scried Kohga again, much to my immediate distress as the pear-shaped motherfucker was doing yoga.

Yohga.

Get punned, idiot.

I shake my head with a slight smile as I slowly walk down stairs, seeing Purah quietly working a piece of machinery, her eyes glow as my tri force gleams brightly on the back of her hand.

I should figure out how to get that back.

Eh.

At least a good person has it... unlike the Triforce of magic.

Hell, who knows where the Triforce of Ferocity is.

If I'm unlucky fucking Calamity Ganon himself has it.

"Well well. If it isn't the bardy boy." Purah observes as she looks up. "I thought you'd sleep longer."

I gesture to the ring on my finger. "This ring makes it so I need no food or water and only need like two hours of sleep per day."

She pulls up her goggles, her eyes glinting. "Reaaaally?"

"If you give me back my power there I'll give you this ring, what do you say." I offer blandly.

"Nah. I like the power more." The woman replies after a moment of consideration.

"Alright, but fair warning... I'll be taking it back eventually."

"What? Come now. Be reasonable." The woman pouts.

"I am. I'm letting you keep it. For now. I'm letting you keep an integral part of my very being for now." I frown at the woman.

She lets out a quiet sigh as Linkle trudges down the stairs.

"Linkyyy!" Purah cries. "Your boyfriend is being mean to me!"

"He's not my boyfriend!"

""Ouch."" Purah and I both say at the exact same time.

"Try to sound a little less horrified-slash-disgusted next time." I note with an eye roll.

"I thought you were supposed to be super nice to people, you're the hero of Hyrule, Linky. Don't crush Hero two's dreams like that." Purah agrees.

"I'm tired. Don't..." Linkle cuts off with a quiet yawn. "Don't put words in my mouth."

She looks between Purah and myself. "Can you teach me stuff now?"

"Yes!" Purah cheers. "I can guide you on what to do with your Sheikah slate on the way, oh, and before I forget, Bardy boy here did his magic instrument thing while you were asleep. We are dealing with a Red Hinox."

"A red? Alright. Let's go through that cave, then." The girl decides, her sleepiness slowly dissipating as she wakes up more and more. She looks to me. "Aurum, what do you think would be a good time for us to leave?"

"Right now!" Purah beams.

"Jeez. So eager to get rid of us?" Linkle frowns as she pauses at the bottom of the stairs. "You haven't even taught me how to use the Sheikah Runes yet."

"Oh, don't worry, I will. I'm going with you, after all." She proudly proclaims, the white-haired woman placing her hands on her hips.

"H-Huh?!"

"I've been meaning to ask... why." I agree with Linkle's confusion. "You don't really look like the type to enjoy galivanting throughout the wilderness."

"Oh, well, that's simple. Ever since I got this Tri force of yours, I have begun to soak up knowledge like a sponge. Merely looking over technology I am given ideas on how to make it. On how to improve it. I want to go to a divine beast to increase my understanding of ancient Sheikah technology far beyond what I have currently... that is why I am willing to leave the safety of my lab and travel with you. And considering the state of the four known divine beasts, I believe it would be safest to find an inactive one... like Vah Sarin."

"Also, I don't trust anyone but myself to drive my newest creation." She finishes with a small nod. "But it should get us to where we need to go nice and fast."

"So." She continues with a small smirk. "Let's get moving."

**Linebreak**

My eyes are wide as the vehicle bounces and shakes, we clear a small bump in the dirt road, the four wheels of this proto-tech magic dune buggy leaving the soil for a good two or three seconds.

We land with a rough slam, the ancient springs absorbing the shock as Purah lets out a cackle.

The seating arrangements are such, Purah in the drivers seat, Linkle in the passenger seat, I myself in the open space just behind them, which, up until sometime this morning was meant to be nothing more than a storage space.

Luckily they put some bedding and stuff back here, otherwise I probably would have broken my tail bone by now.

Linkle looks utterly distressed and a little green as a cloud of dust is kicked up behind us.

"This is EXHILERATING!" Purah exclaims over the roar of the engine.

The front wheels of the car seem to lift slightly as we crest another bump, at this point I have no clue how fast we are moving... all that I do know is that after having it coast down the hill the ancient tech lab resides on, and through Hateno Village- with the engine off to not startle anyone, of course- we've shot over the land faster than I could have ever imagined.

The drive is TOTALLY stressing me out, though. Like, what is WRONG with this psycho?!

We've nearly spun out like eight times by taking turns too fast.

Luckily in this life I seem to have lost the motion sickness I had in my last life, otherwise I probably would have been blowing chunks by now.

We pass under natural archways and land bridges as we begin our rapid descent downwards.

"GYAAAK!" A red bokoblin screams as- *THUD-CRUNCH* It is mulched underneath the large metal spiked wheels, a blue barrier appears where the windshield would be, allowing the black blood to splatter on it and quickly sizzle and evaporate against the ancient laser technology.

I gaze back through our path, spying a slight red smear and a few more bokoblins flailing around in sheer panic as they are enveloped in the sandy dust cloud left in our wake.

Purah lets out a quiet whoop as we reach the end of the path, coming to the glorious beachfront of Loshlo Harbor.

I don't know why it's called a harbor, due to the lack of any sort of building for ships out here, no piers or jetties, it's quite a way away from any nearby town or village, I suppose, that'd make it vaguely difficult to make anything out here. It would be much more efficent to go for Kitano Bay and Hateno Bay.

The buggy swerves abruptly, drifting across the sand as it turns, sending a literal shower of sand to the left as we begin driving across the rolling beaches.

After a few more minutes we jerk to a halt, the ancient engine rumbling and shaking as Purah lets out a satisfied sigh.

The woman turns off the buggy as she steps up and out of the vehicle, stretching her arms above her head as she nods once. "We're here!"

I slowly and shakily climb outside, Linkle herself briefly rising and trying to climb out the passenger-side window before losing her grip and faceplanting into the sand below.

I contain my laughter as Purah lets out a quiet snort.

"So, what's the deal with that ring you have?" Purah asks as she turns to me, a question on her lips that seems to have been eating away at her for the past hour or so. "I didn't really look at it too closely when you showed up, but... it's quite powerful. Magical equipment is exceedingly rare. Yet your bag... and the ring... where did you get them?"

"Oh. I sometimes find things. I'm lucky like that." I weakly explain as I watch Linkle quiver and shake on the floor, she rubs the sand, seemingly deeply overjoyed to have her two feet back on semi-solid ground.

"Huh. Alright." The Sheikah woman shrugs. "But does it really stop all need for food, water, and to a lesser extent, sleep?!"

"Yeah, it does. But you need to wear it for a full week to gain its effect, and if you take it off even for a second, you lose the effects and must re-attune to it."

"Interesting."

"Shouldn't you already know this if you can determine if someone is a virgin or not with a mere glance?" I question with a half-lidded glare.

"Well, I mean, I knew what it did, I just wanted complete and total confirmation by its owner." The woman shrugs with a slightly impish smile.

I gaze over the frankly boring looking silver ring on my index finger. "It's not like I couldn't eat if I really want to, and while I could really go for a sandwich right now... some cured meat, cheese... onion would be pretty good too, but I don't know if you have those here..."

I and shake my head. "Anyways. Your food is a little boring."

"Onion? Cheese?" Purah echoes.

"W-Wait... you... you don't have cheese?" I ask, suddenly very serious.

"No?" The red eyed woman mutters as her eyes begin to glow. "What is Cheese- oh? A way to preserve milk in a similar way to butter... interesting. Though I have no real stake in culinary science."

"Mhm." I boredly hum as I watch Linkle pick herself up, she looks around briefly before slipping on the mask of truth. "Alright, let's go deal with that Hinox."

"The cave is right over there." Purah points dead ahead as she sits on the hood of her vehicle. "I'll wait here while you two go and take care of it."

"Alright." I shrug as I turn and walk forwards, Linkle matching my pace.

After around five minutes of walking we come to the mouth of a large cave where a large, rotund figure is resting in the grass.

It is frankly massive.

Its sheer girth makes it more than twice our height when it is laying flat on its back, standing up it would probably be around thirty or forty feet tall.

I slowly turn to Linkle. "Alright, how do you want to do this?"

She lets out a quiet sight of relief. "it's asleep... so I'll take care of it really quickly. If it wakes up, I'll run, then you can hit it with your snappy thing to stun it, at which point, while it is briefly stunned, I'll rush in and slash at its tendons."

"Got it." I nod once.

I watch the girl creep forwards, supernaturally quiet due to her Sheik armor, I watch her as she gently pauses atop the open palm of the hinox then a few moments later it reaches up to scratch its belly in its sleep, depositing the girl on top of its body.

I watch her creep forwards, drawing two of the three kunai that came with her armor, she pauses just at its throat, then with a flash of movement she slashes, cleaving through its neck as if it were mere paper.

After two more swipes with each of the kunai, the hinox begins to flail and gurgle, so the blonde flips back, leaping off its body where she lands with a slight roll, she takes a few cautious hops backwards as she gazes up at the beast.

It continues to flail as black blood seeps from its slit throat, after around ten more seconds of struggling it falls still.

"…"

Oh damn. She killed it.

She looks back over and offers me a single thumbs up.