Dungeons and Devils (Chapter 59) (Patreon)

I let out a low hum as I drum my fingers on the table. "This... could be a problem."

"Sooooo Gai-Tan, why have you called me here?" The twin tailed magical girl in front of me asks slowly.

"Oh. You know that Ruby Rose girl?"

"Yeees?" The black haired satan blinks slowly.

"I got her to agree to join Sona's peerage if I do one seemingly impossible goal for her!"

"AWESOME!" The satan cheers only to pause. "Wait... Seemingly impossible task?"

"Oh. I need to revive her mom."

"…" Serafall is silent for a moment.

"Who has been gone for nearly eleven years." I continue.

"Gai-Tan, how are you going to- oooooh. Valerie-tan, right?" The satan gasps.

"That's right." I nod slowly. "Only one problem."

"And that is?"

"Her mom is still alive."

"…"

"What?"

"Her mom is currently the heart of a monstrous grimm creature that some immortal bitch has been experimenting on for the past ten years. So, I'm going to need to walk over to the grimmlands, kill her mom. Cut off the grimm taint surrounding her soul, theeeen get Valerie to revive her in a new body, and cut out the last ten years of her life."

The Satan of foreign affairs stares blankly for a moment then slowly nods. "Alright."

"I'm going to be completely and totally honest, my memory altering magic is a little 'iffy'. Twenty minutes or so? Sure. Easy peasy. But years? An entire decade?! I don't exactly know if I can do that."

"Hm. Decades of memory is a little tough... the most I have attempted in one try is roughly three days." The woman mutters.

"Do you think you could do it if I boosted you up?"

"Hm." The satan lowly hums. "Yep, with your help, I can do it, Gai-Tan! If it means little Ruby-Chan gets her mom back and So-Tan gets Ruby-Chan I'll keep erasing memories all week if I have to!"

"Cool, Cool." I nod slowly as I stand up. "Come on, I've got Valerie in the other room. I've also got to meet with that one wizard who is the headmaster of Beacon Academy. Ajuka said that he wanted to see me and I've already sent him a notice that I'll be showing up.

**Linebreak**

With a flash, the three of us appear in a clockwork office.

A dull ticking noise reverberates around the room as a white-haired man looks up, to his left is a screen with a second man with a small metal plate above his left eyebrow, his eyes narrow at our appearance.

I brush a hand down my suit as I look over the desk. "Headmaster Ozpin. Ajuka speaks quite a bit about you."

The spectacled man's eyes widen slightly, seemingly surprised by my age.

"Next, you'll say, 'You're Satan Sathanas? You appear quite youthful'. To you." I hum with a bored expression.

"You're S-" the man stops his sentence abruptly, looking over me with far more caution.

"I see." He mutters slowly. "It was probably foolish to assume your power of influence merely on your appearance. That is my misstep."

"My name is Gaius Decarabia, the Satan of Dimensional Affairs, Sathanas was a mere placeholder name. This is the Satan of foreign affairs, Serafall Leviathan." I gesture to the black haired magical girl, then look to my other side. "And my queen piece, Valerie Tepes."

"It was my understanding that you two had wanted to meet me." I continue as I look between the man on the screen.

"You have caused quite a bit of chaos recently. It is only just that I would want to meet you and get a read on your personality." The white haired man replies.

"Oh. Well, I'm going to flat out tell you that I try not to lie if I can help it. I am selfish, impulsive, greedy, petty, and absolutely vicious to enemies, but I don't actually attempt to hurt people. If I am left more or less to my own devices, I see no real need to antagonize you both."

"You caused Atlas to fall nearly fifty feet downwards and stole our greatest weapon." The man on the other side of the screen lowly growls.

"I will admit, that was one of my missteps, an impulsive desire on my part, however, I am planning to make up for it right this second."

"And how do you propose to do that?" The general asks. "Unrest in Atlas is at an all-time high. Numerous businesses have moved from the city and fled to other kingdoms."

"Well, what I plan to do is quite simple... you have a certain problem with this Salem woman, correct? Wouldn't it be great died and stayed dead?"

"You are proposing to kill our world's greatest evil in exchange for the relics?" Ozpin asks.

"Pretty much, yes." I nod with a small smile. "I've heard that if you gather all four, you'll re summon the twin gods, that certainly isn't something I want, nor do I think it is something that either of you want."

"You are correct. They are no longer needed in this world." Ozpin nods. "And I accept your proposal. I will not pursue the issue of the relics should you kill Salem."

"…"

The man on the other side of the screen lets out a quiet sigh. "As will I."

"I'm glad that you are so understanding. Anyways, Ajuka has been quite busy recently but he told me to give you this."

I pull a phone from my pocket and floats across the room, eventually clattering to the table.

"He managed to connect technology between our dimensions and thus allowed for phones to be of use in this world. This will let you observe numerous things about our world."

"I see." The man states, his eyes slowly sliding to Serafall. "Is there anything you would perhaps like to say to us as the Satan of foreign affairs?"

"No, not in this situation. I am pleased with watching over Gaius' decisions... you are right in assuming that he is quite young, yet his additions to the devil race have been more than enough to grant him this position. It is my duty to teach him how to do these things and, in this case, he is doing an acceptable job." The black-haired woman informs with a slow nod. "In this scenario, technically speaking, this falls into his ballpark as Dimensional affairs."

"Technically speaking, isn't this a foreign power? So, you have just as much of a right to speak out as I do?" I question.

"Technically." Serafall agrees. "Yet back home the races are still ununified and I refuse to allow you to increase my work load several fold."

I nod my head slowly. "Fine. Anyways, I hope we can work together in the future... also you lot should probably deal with the White Fang loading explosives on a train within the old Mountain Glenn tunnels, they probably plan to detonate it during the Vytal festival, letting in numerous grimm into the city. Toodloo~!"

With a flash we disappear from the office.

**Linebreak**

"So, there's an immortal witch on Remnant?"

"Yep." I nod to the magical girl's question.

"Why?" Valerie asks.

"Oh, well, I'm unsure, really. Probably something to do with the gods who used to rule this world." I shrug as we slowly approach the large crystal castle before us.

A beowolf lunges for us, but it is transformed into a simple frozen statue as we continue walking.

We eventually come to a large double door, causing me to look over to the two women with an arrogant smirk. "Should we knock?"

"Perhaps-"

"YOU ARE NOT WORTHY OF SEEING OUR QUEEN!" A shrill psychotic voice shrieks as a thin lanky man dives from a nearby pillar.

Two claw-like chakram with tiny guns hidden within are pointed at us as he cackles madly, a scorpion tail swaying rapidly behind him.

"DIEEEEE!" He cackles.

I raise a single finger and point it at him.

*Bzeeew*

A black beam of fire punches cleanly through his chest, creating a hole roughly the size of a soccer ball.

"…"

He falls limply to the ground as the top half of his tail flips through the air, clattering to the ash-like dirt a short distance away.

My eyes slowly stray to Valerie. "That guy was a genuine psycho who has killed at least like... several hundred people so far."

"Oh no. I don't care that you killed him. I could smell the taint on his soul. He was one of the most evil people I have ever seen."

'Wait... she can do what now?'

She seemingly notices my missed step towards the door as I slightly stumble.

"Oh! Don't worry Gaius! I know you are quite evil, but I don't really hold it against you! You're more morally grey than truly evil, sort of like a slightly worse version of Sera-tan here. It's the same with most devils!"

"Eh, morally grey is probably correct." Serafall shrugs. "I do whatever's best for the devil race. I'd totally doom a house from the shadows if it meant peace was secured even a decade earlier... but those close to me don't have to worry! If Zeus showed up and wanted to marry So-tan in exchange for peace I'd just declare war on Olympus!"

I let out a huff of amusement. "You know, I said practically the same thing to Mittelt when she said that I was going to trade her around with my 'friends' as some sort of common whore."

I wave a hand towards the door and watch as it slams open.

A wave of fire washes over a barrier Serafall conjures.

After a few moments it dies off.

"Salem. I have come to bargain." I call out into the hall as I strut forwards.

I spy a white skinned woman with sickly black veins running through her skin, she wears black robes, her snow white hair is tied up in a bun behind her head, three- what can only be described as 'hair dicks' poke out on each side of her head.

Her red eyes narrow, her sclera blacker than night.

"Who are you, boy." The woman slowly questions.

"A good question. My name is Gaius Decarabia, the fifth Satan of the devil race."

My eyes slide to the two men stood slightly to the side, one is fishing entire dust crystals out of his pants pockets while the other is wielding a revolver with a ridiculous number of bullets. It looks like twenty or so.

The grimm woman narrows her eyes even more, pointedly glaring at me, perhaps for killing her follower. "Bargain? What could you possibly have that I would want?"

"Ababa." I wave a finger, shushing her. "I never said it was something for you."

"Hazel Reinhart. Leave Salem's side and join mine... in exchange I will have Valerie revive your dead sister, Gretchen."

"…"

The man narrows his eyes. "Why should I believe you-"

I raise a hand unleashing a titanic wave of fire that shoots into the atmosphere. The entire roof of the castle is utterly blown off, reduced to a mere searing rain of molten lava that a falls in a circle around us. "The only reason why I am even giving you this offer is because you like to avoid deaths and are vaguely peaceful."

"…" the man falls silent and slowly falls to his knees. "I give up. If you revive my sister, I will serve you for as long as I live."

"Oh. Goodie. Valerie, get on that. I don't know the requisites for you picking a soul out, but her name is Gretchin Rainart." I smirk as flick my hand in a rotating motion. "Slice."

Arthur Watts' head is cleaved from his shoulders, Salem has her lower torso cut off and her arms removed at roughly the elbow.

Her eyes widen as I slowly walk forwards.

"That... wasn't a normal spell..." Serafall whispers under her breath.

"I've gotten quite a bit stronger after my bout with Vali." I announce as I slowly approach the upper torso of Salem. "I could probably defeat him utterly without relying on the boosted gear at all. Reasonably, I'd like to start distancing myself from that power, as I certainly won't have it after I release Ddraig from his prison. Sadly, I don't think breaking a curse placed by gods is realistically within my current capabilities."

A ring flashes to life on my finger. "Wait... you were serious about that?!"

"Indeed." I nod.

'As long as you refrain from telling anyone about my... secret... abilities.'

'Understood. Once I'm out, I'll never say a word about what I saw. I swear on my pride as a dragon. I'll also refrain from attacking any future descendants of the Decarabia clan.'

'As long as you don't start shit, only attacking after they do, I'd let you give my descendants a little smack for being a fucking idiot and attacking an entity which will probably surpass heavenly dragon status.'

'with how much you have shown me... how could I not grow stronger?'

I finally reach the woman and look down at her as she stares up at me, a hint of fear within her eyes.

"If you keep the Excalibur abilities you might already be well beyond heavenly dragon status." I mutter under my breath. "Damn. I'm not even sure who will keep them. Me who would still have the physical form of the sacred gear, or you as the spirit."

"Ah well." I hum loudly. "We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... and speaking of crossing. I think it's about time you crossed over to the afterlife, witch."

"You cannot break a God's curse, boy." The woman sputters as black blood seeps from the corners of her mouth.

Ddraig and I promptly say basically the same thing at the same time.

"Wanna Bet?"

"Would you like to best on that, Immortal?"

I reach down and grab her face.

[NEGATE]

Her eyes stare for a moment before rapidly losing clarity and focus. In the next moment I am looking at a diced corpse.

'Now... did that kill her?'

Omnipresence says yes.

So yes. She's dead.

A quest has been completed!

I skim the quest swiftly.

I had gotten it earlier today, all it has given me is fifty thousand electrum, plus two in all stats, and a few mythic trials.

"Oh good. She's dead."  I smile as I look back to Serafall and the girl who is holding three slowly rotating grails in front of her. "Anyways, as I was saying, that was basically the 'true form' for my Malthus clan trait. It allows me to cut anything, even conceptual things like strength... or lifespan... or souls!"

"You attained complete and total mastery of your clan trait?!"

"I've also got a true form for my Decarabia half. Buuuut turning everything within three hundred feet into a molten crater isn't exactly very useful in a day to day setting so I refrain from using it." I explain with a grin.

There is a flash of light as a tan skinned woman is conjured from motes of light and falls face first onto the ground, her body shuddering for a moment as she weakly grasps the floor.

"Gretchen!" The man grasps as he blurs forwards, kneeling before the prone girl who looks around blearily.

"Wh-" The girl begins only to devolve into a coughing fit.

After a good sixty seconds she regains her breath and looks around slowly. "Where am I?"

Her eyes look to the older man. "Hazel?"

"Touching." I sarcastically note as I roll my eyes. "I'd feel better for you, but honestly you are a fucking idiot. 'Oh no. My sister was killed by grimm... fuck that guy who's training huntsmen to defend humanity from the grimm, I'll join the queen of grimm to get revenge against that huntsman guy'. Jesus Christ, dude. How hypocritical can you be?"

The man grits his teeth but doesn't say anything.

I'll toss the two of them into the abyss and let them pick some jobs that way.

I turn and slowly walk away, being swiftly followed by Serafall and Valerie.

**Linebreak**

"Well now... uh... this is certainly pretty fucked up." I note as a pale woman lays nude on the floor behind me, she has long tangled and matted hair that looks as if it hasn't been combed in quite possibly years.

We are in some form of cell; crystal bars litter the floor behind us. We had just removed this woman from her shackles... if you could even call it that. it looked as if her limbs were fused into the black fleshy cell wall.

With a wave of Serafall's hands, the woman's hair is fixed and cut to roughly shoulder length.

Valerie is kneeled over the silver eyed huntress, sweat appearing on her face as she channels the power of the grail. "This... poor woman."

"Yep." I nod once. "Once you are done with clearing the taint on her soul and in her body, we'll have Sera-tan snip out a good ten years of memory and utterly vaporize it."

Serafall looks down sadly at the woman. "No-one should be forced to suffer through anything like she had... having your flesh slowly transformed and feeling every moment of it. Kept sentient through mere sick pleasure."

"…"

I turn around slowly and say a thought that is on my mind. "Total Milf, though."

"…"

Serafall slowly turns to give me a 'really?' Look.

"What? I'm just making observations. She's hot." I shrug. "Also, I'm trying to lift the mood through humor."

"Mn." The satan pouts. "Why don't you say that stuff about me, Gai-Tan."

"Oh, you're not a Milf purely because you don't have a kid. I plan to change that though." A smirk works its way onto my face as I look over the black-haired magical girl. "You're totally a Smilf though... a Soon to be Mother I'd Like to Fuck."

"Hehe." She chuckles. "You say the cutest things, Gai-tan. One day I'll be sure to take you up on that offer!"

"One day." I agree. "I don't think I could handle a kid at my age. I mean, really. I've already got one being created from my magical power... and Tyra's more like a pet than my child and ohoho I struggle to keep her happy and not mauling the nearest sentient creature as it is. The gods only know what sort of chaos my legitimate spawn would bring."

I tap my chin and let out a low hum. "Probably a lot of fire, for one. Would one scrape a knee and inadvertently burn down the Decarabia estate? That seems possible."

My eyes are drawn to the prone woman as her eyes snap open, lifeless dead eyes blankly stare up at the ceiling, eventually sliding around the room to lock with mine.

She doesn't say anything, she just lays there... unresponsive.

Serafall crouches down. "Hello. Are you alright?"

"…" she doesn't say anything.

"We are trying to help you, alright? We are healing your body, then we'll erase the past ten years of your memory and bring you back to your family."

The woman's eyes snap to Serafall at the final word.

"Your family is doing well..." The black haired magical girl soothes as she rubs the huntress' head. "Your eldest, Yang got into Beacon this year, and your Youngest, Ruby, is training to do the same... they are all happy and healthy... you don't have to worry. And soon? You can go back and become a big happy family again."

"…"

"Salem." The woman hoarsely hisses.

"I killed Salem." I announce, causing the woman to look back over to me.

"She's dead. Forever."

The woman stares for a moment, then slowly closes her eyes.

"…"

**Linebreak**

"So, I mean, how exactly do we bring this up?" I question slowly.

A woman in a white gown lays on the grassy floor before us. She has her eyes closed, appearing to be in a serene slumber. She looks peaceful... and younger. Healthier.

In addition to erasing ten years of her memories, I had Valerie reduce her age by the same duration.

What she should remember is leaving home, going to the grimm lands, challenging salem... having her aura broken, her arm cut off, then nothing.

We are sat within a clearing a short distance away from the Rose-Xaio-Long house.

"Do we just like, wake her up and be all 'hi yes, we killed Salem and erased the last ten years of torture you experienced.'?" I question slowly.

"I guess?" Valerie slowly shrugs.

"Alright." I snap my fingers, waking up the comatose woman.

She sits up abruptly, looking around with wide and fearful eyes.

Suddenly she stops, bringing an arm to her chest, she scrutinizes the appendage, looking over it slowly.

Her gaze swiftly scans her surroundings, she looks over me, the blonde dhampir with red eyes, she falters on the magical girl, staring for slightly longer.

"Who... are you people?" The woman slowly asks, looking down at her attire.

"Just a roving band of necromancers who revived you." I shrug.

"Gai-Tan." The satan pouts as she looks to the woman again.

"We are devils... Gaius here made a deal with your child to revive you."

"M-My child?" The woman whispers.

She gets up swiftly, nearly falling as she apparently grows light headed, she coldly looks over us. "What did you do to my family?"

"Nothing." I shrug with a blank stare. "She contacted me. I've done many things for her, I've enchanted her main weapon with magic in exchange for four future designs, I've made her clothes super durable, me reviving you is just business... and I don't like seeing one of my contractors so sad. It was heartbreaking to see her like that."

The woman's glare softens. "Oh... I see."

"It has been ten years since you last saw your family." Serafall informs.

The woman's breath catches in her throat. "T-Ten years?!"

"Ten Years." The black-haired magical girl slowly nods.

"I'm going to lay it out bluntly for you." I declare as I slowly stand. "You, for the past ten years, were tortured by that immortal bitch Salem, and when we found you, you were more Grimm than human. I, of course, instantly killed you and had my compatriot here grab your soul. She then crafted you a new body and we removed the taint which had imbedded itself into your soul. We then erased ten years of your memories as you were rendered an emotionless husk of your former self."

"Ten... years of my memories?" The woman mutters.

"I don't think you'd want ten years of 'and then the grimm parasite burrowed under my skin while Salem watched in intrigue'. You GENUINELY do not want to know what she did to you." I explain quickly as I step around her slowly, I watch as her face swiftly turns slightly green, her mind running wild at the possibilities of what could have happened to her body.

"If... I was a prisoner to Salem... what happened to her?" The woman quietly questions.

"Oh. I killed her. Easily. And that means that you don't have to be a huntress anymore. I killed your big bad threat, the grimm now are well and truly without a leader. Your time is done. Make up those ten years you missed with your family."

"Follow me." I command as I turn and slowly walk away. "I'll take you home."

The woman watches as I slowly continues walking, she takes a shaky step forwards she isn't wearing any shoes, so she carefully takes another step, nearly twisting her ankle.

Serafall follows along, quickly passing the woman, Valerie stands up and pauses beside the woman, offering her a hand.

The silver eyed woman takes her generous offer and is helped along as we reach a long winding path.

It takes a while, but eventually we get to the log cabin in the woods.

The door bursts open, as the girl I had texted a few moments ago appears in a flurry of rose petals.

She stands rooted to the spot at the front of the porch.

Her eyes wide, she remains there in silent shock for numerous seconds.

"Mom?" The girl whispers.

The woman covers her mouth with a hand as tears brim her eyes, the reality seeming to finally set in. She had missed her own daughter growing up, and that thought is nearly too much for her.

"MOM!" The girl shrieks as she blurs forwards in a flurry of rose petals, tears stream down her face as she practically tackles the older woman, burying her face into the silver eyed woman's chest.

The young Rose's shoulder shudder and shake as a few tears drip down her mother's cheeks. "I’m home... it's okay. I'm finally home."

"MOOOOOM!" Ruby sobs.

I look to Serafall and Valerie and gesture over my shoulder with a thumb, causing the two women to nod.

We promptly teleport away.

**Linebreak**

Pov: elsewhere.

A young adult rapidly steps into a room and falls to a kneel, bowing his head deeply. "Lady Leviathan, Lord Asmodeus, Lord Beelzebub. I have something of great importance to report."

Three figures stood around a large circular table slowly look to the devil prostrating himself before them.

"You are interrupting an important meeting." One of the devils slowly announces, he has long brown hair that goes past his lower back and covers one of his eyes, he wears purple and dark blue armor. He slowly raises a hand, a crackling ball of demonic power forming in his palm. "If it isn't as important as you say, you will die."

The devil lowers his head. "W-We have gotten reports that a devil nobility has gained a descendant of the original Leviathan in his peerage."

"…"

The orb disappears as the brown haired woman nearby widens her eyes. "What?"

"Speak." The brown haired man demands.

"His name is Gaius Decarabia. A young lord and the tenth rating game ranker, the descendant of both the Malthus and Decarabia clans."

The final of the three devils speaks up, he has pale skin, pointed elf-like ears and black hair tied up in a ponytail behind his head. "Malthus and Decarabia? Are you sure?"

"Yes, my lords and lady." The devil bows. "Gaius Decarabia-Malthus. He is engaged to the youngest Phenex, Sitri, and the lady of the lake."

"The lady of the lake?!" The woman of the trio gasps.

"Indeed, my lady. The fey swordsmith herself." The servant devil nods. "He reincarnated Ingvild Leviathan. A previous half devil whose demonic power is near Satan class."

"Tch? A filthy half devil?" The woman scoffs. "No matter."

The brown haired man speaks up slowly. "Hold on a moment, Katerea... perhaps you aren't looking at the full picture."

"Tch. Don't tell me what I am observing, Shalba." The woman scoffs as she crosses her arms over her bust, adjusting her glasses slightly.

"This girl was once a half devil, but she was reincarnated... and as much as it pains me to say, Ajuka Astaroth is a genius. His evil pieces are an incredible invention. She would be lesser than a true noble devil, yes, but raised above most reincarnated devils purely because of her satan bloodline. Her apparent satan class power is already proof of her Leviathan genes... and it is those Genes I think we should focus on."

The woman frowns slightly but doesn't say anything.

"Merely by having the Leviathan blood... she holds the potential to pass the leviathan clan trait onto future offspring." The man points out.

"I see." The other man mutters. "She could be used for the ability to pass on the leviathan trait."

"I do not see the two of you impregnating devils to pass on your traits." The woman frowns, eyes narrowing.

"Most devils within our employ aren't worthy of our bloodlines... nor do we need to take an able fighter out of commission for an entire nine months for those that are." Creuserey declares with a small frown.

"In addition... we actually inherited our family's clan trait." The brown-haired devil points out idly, causing the woman to grit her teeth, eyes narrowing into slits.

She turns to the devil who had brought them this news and raises her hand. With a flicker of demonic power an orb of power crashes through his chest.

"Tch-" the brown haired devil growls.

"How childish." The black haired descendant of Beelzebub scoffs. "Are you perhaps worried that this girl will replace you if she inherited your ancestor's clan trait?"

"If she keeps killing able bodied tools like this, perhaps I'll consider it." Shalba frowns while giving the woman an unimpressed glare. "You are acting as if you are a child, Katerea. Remember. You are not irreplaceable. Now even more so since we have gotten word of another heir of Leviathan. You were not made a co-leader of the old Satan faction for you to kill our subjects."

"We should move swiftly." The black haired satan descendant declares. "Strike this Decarabia as soon as possible. It would be best if he died. The Decarabia clan had voices which could raise the moral of troops, and the Malthus clan could forge incredible weapons and armor. If we are going to wage war against those imposters, it is a requisite for him to perish."

"Hn. Very well. We will strike in three days."

**Linebreak**

Pov: returned

I give a piece of paper in my hands a disgusted look, eyes slowly trailing down the list I have been given.

My eyes slowly trail up to the blushing pink haired woman who is shyly looking away from me.

"My god-" I ignore her weak moan as a lance of pain spikes through her brain. "What is wrong with you?"

"I do not believe anything is wrong with me, Master." The woman quietly huffs, seemingly getting turned on by my apparent disgust. "You wanted a list, and I have given you one."

I decide to list a couple things on the extremely extensive list. It's five pages long. Each page absolutely filled with extremely neat and small handwriting. "You want me to break your fingers, attach your nipples to a car battery via jumper cables with- and I quote- the most vicious clamps I can find. You want to be brutally beaten by me, enough to give you a black eye, break your nose and at least three of your ribs, you want me to stab a knife through your hand and bite your nipples. You want me to rip out your fingernails and you have written 'Anal Sex' like three times and wrote down, 'get a horse to violate my insides'. First off. No on the horse thing. The only thing ever fucking you, is me. Second off. Why are you being so blunt with all the sex stuff. I didn't take you for this much of a degenerate. You like being punished, but I never thought you would go this crazy. Thirdly what the fresh fuck is a- and I quote- 'Cactus Condom'?!"

"M-Master may I speak bluntly?" The woman questions slowly.

"You may." I nod once.

"As you know, I am a celestial spirit." She continues.

I nod, gesturing for her to continue.

"And there is a certain- ah- issue that comes with that." She mutters while looking away.

"Okay?" I blink.

"We celestial spirits are deeply rooted within our titles. Aquarius the water bearer for instance will always have some form of Hydromancy and will typically require some form of body of water to be summoned, regardless of what the incarnation may be. There will always be two Gemini, Cancer will always be crab themed, Ares the Ram will always be some form of sheep, and Scorpio will be a scorpion... this title... our epithet is what grounds us as physical beings."

"Okay?" I nod slowly.

"My Epithet, is 'The Maiden'… or rather, 'The Virgin'."

"…"

"Now, I am aware that most of my actions are... quite lewd. But, the thing is, when I was a Celestial spirit, should any of my masters try to... over extend, as it were, I would be immediately teleported back to the celestial spirit world. Even a mere attempt at a grope would be enough to trigger this. As I had to keep my 'Maidenhood'." The girl explains, her blue- slightly lifeless- eyes staring into mine.

"I do not have that constraint anymore."

I look back to the paper, noticing how she expertly avoided the third point I had. "Is that why you have written down that you want to feel the pain of child birth on here?"

A slight blush appears on the maid's face.

I look up slowly. "And let me be clear, these absolutely insane requests are merely the ones that don't require some form of torture device! Like, where the hell am I supposed to find a brazen bull? I sure as hell don't want to take the effort to build one! Even the mere sight of it would cause basically ever devil house in the underworld to be all 'Oh? This house lord is a fucking freak'."

"Oh, you can actually buy most torture devices for quite cheap on the internet."

"I'm not going to put you in an iron maiden." I deadpan. "I'm fairly certain that will kill you."

"A pleasant way to go." The woman sighs wistfully.

I bring a hand up to my temple. "I'll do some of the things on this list, but not all."

The girl's eyes sparkle. "Oh?! Truly?! Roughly how much of the list are you consider doing."

I give the papers a slow look over, quickly flicking through the stack of pages. "Roughly... five percent, maybe? Ten if you are lucky."

"Wonderful!" The girl beams as she turns and quickly walks out of my office, day dreaming about the future.

I give her a half-lidded stare as she closes the door.

I let out a long sigh and rub my temples as the door clicks shut.