Darkest Before Dawn - 69 (Patreon)

Chapter 69

“Are you saying that the Black Rampage was caused by a case of malpractice?” one of the reporters said, entirely too enthusiastic. Kazuki almost wanted to agree so that maybe the reporters would go chase after someone else to burn at a stake. Alas, that wasn’t the heroic thing to do, he supposed.

“I’m saying that my Quirk had not manifested fully. Nobody had any way to know that I could create things out of the negativity I “felt”. Nobody even knew that I was gathering negativity instead of sensing it. Hence, why my Quirk was simply cataloged as Dark Sense, back then,” he explained, keeping his expression neutral.

‘Calm and confident,’ he repeated.

“Even I didn’t know all that it was. I just knew I felt bad all the time because I could feel the same bad feelings that others around me felt. I felt angry and sad and nervous and afraid and bored and many other things, all the time, no matter what. I didn’t know it at the time, but those feelings were pushing my Quirk’s second side, the creation side, to be let out, but I didn’t even know how, really. I just knew that I wanted to stop feeling bad and so I tried to suppress all that negativity from coming out,” he continued, trying to explain as well as he reasonably could. Because it was difficult even for him to understand how it had been.

He could still remember it though, even though he managed to avoid feeling that urge anymore. He remembered that feeling of being both full and starving at the same time. He remembered the negativity in him pushing for something even though he had no idea what he needed to do. ‘Don’t think about it too deeply,’ he told himself, because that’d just make him feel worse than he already did.

He was already walking on an edge with the mess of emotions he was balancing.

He didn’t need more added to that.

“My homelife didn’t help much,” he continued then, getting to another part of his story. He needed to be careful though, because he didn’t want to sound like he was putting all the blame on his parents, even if he thought that was the case. Even if they’d both been supremely shitty, throwing all the blame at them would make him look bad, like he was washing his hands off of something that “he caused” as the public thought.

His mother had taught him that, with her little speech.

“You must know by now, but my parents divorced well before the Rampage,” he started, getting some replies and questions but he soldiered on. “My parents didn’t have the best of relationships, and that was a whole lot of negativity for my Quirk to force on me. I won’t go into details about that, but that’s how it was. Then my mother left and my father… didn’t get any better, really. I was a reminder, I imagine, of the woman he hated and the relationship he hated even more. A reminder of years and opportunities lost, most likely.”

“Are you saying that the Rampage wouldn’t have happened if your mother stayed?” another reporter asked and Kazuki had to take a moment. He breathed in deeply and assessed the question. What a question it was too. Ultimately…

“I imagine the Rampage would have happened eventually, regardless of my situation. It could have happened in a less drastic way or in a more drastic way, depending on how much negativity was around, how bad the negativity I had gotten at the point was and a million other factors. At the end of the day, that’s all hypotheticals,” he answered, taking another deep breath in. “The fact is, the negativity would have demanded release eventually, regardless of what happened. Or, at least, I think so. I don’t know if I’d have figured out how to create using that negativity otherwise.”

“Do you think it could have been prevented with a more thorough process of Quirk identification?” Kizuki asked then, looking at him intently with her green eyes. No wonder people found him scary. Was that how he looked like to others with his own black sclera and red eyes?

“That might have helped just as much as it might have not. As I said, I have no idea how one could have gone about discovering the second nature of my Quirk before something drastic happened,” he answered as best he could before deciding to keep things moving. He didn’t have all day, even though he was pretty sure the faculty would forgive him for being late that day. Still, good thing he’d decided to drop extra early that day. “The point is that things happened as they did. Negativity built up in me until I couldn’t take it anymore. That day…” he started, before trailing off for a single second. 

He’d almost said how things had gone with his father but… He didn’t know how good an idea that was. On the one hand, it could help get him some sympathy points, but on the other… His father was dead because of the Rampage, so he imagined there’d be people calling him out on that. It was his word against a dead man’s, so…

Furthermore, he wanted to leave the past alone, as much as he could manage.

“That day things just reached a breaking point,” he decided to go with, quickly because staying silent wasn’t a good look. He could only hesitate for so long before the reporters started smelling blood, let alone how they’d twist that with their interpretations. “And everything spiraled from there. I imagine I don’t need to explain what happened during the Rampage to anyone, but my perspective… It was chaotic, is the best way I can describe it.”

As he said that, he closed his eyes for a moment, recalling how that day had been. So much negativity, so much fear and pain, so much everything. It had been overwhelming and so his half-broken mind had just continued letting all the negativity out and go wild. The Grimm kept appearing while the already existing ones kept wrecking havoc.

However, despite all that… 

There had also been so much freedom…

“I was barely there, overwhelmed with negativity that I’d unknowingly bottled up and what I could sense coming my way because of what I’d caused. It wasn’t until the heroes got to me, got through my creations, that I was able to get a hold of myself. If they hadn’t been there to snap me out of it-,” he continued explaining, almost smirking at the half-truth. The fact was that the heroes had knocked him out, but he owed them and heroes in general too much not to make them look at least a little better. “-I don’t know what would have happened. So, I can’t thank them enough. Everyone that was there are some of my favorite heroes, actually. Especially the one that ended that nightmare.”

“Do you have anything to say to the victims of that day?” another reporter called, and Kazuki could feel the slightest hints of malice there. Either way, he nodded, firmly and decisively, channeling all the anger and frustration towards what had happened. Because nothing was ever as effective as taking his negativity and using it instead of letting it use him.

“I want to apologize, to every single one of them,” he said, without hesitation or missing a beat. If nothing else, that part of his speech had been planned ever since the moment he’d started memorizing the victims’ names and what had happened to them. “I memorized every single direct victim of the Rampage and won’t ever forget them. Once I become a hero, the first thing I’ll do is try and compensate them or their families to the best of my ability. It’ll be too little too late, and I know that, but I won’t ever be able to let go of what happened unless I do something. They are free to do as they wish with this, be it take it, reject it or whatever else. I’ll be offering that to everyone, and you can all hold me accountable for that if you so wish.”

“Every single one?” Kizuki asked, eyes slightly wide.

“I would tell you about all of them, but not only do I not want to put them on display for my sake, it would also take quite a while,” he answered with a smile before adding the last bit. “I’ve done it a few times, but anyone at all, victim or relative of a victim that wants a more personal apology can reach out to me and they’ll get it.”

“That’s a lot to promise,” someone pointed out, clearly fishing for him to say something. And say something he did.

“I might have been a kid and it might have been an accident. It was all, as far as I’m concerned, a most unfortunate event. All that doesn’t matter though, because it won’t change the fact that I’ll never forget that it was me that caused all that. Maybe my Quirk was to blame, maybe it was the situation, maybe it was a number of other things that even I’m not aware of, but I’ll never forget that I was at the center of it all,” he replied, channeling all his anger and frustration and turning it into cold determination, because he’d been wanting to say all the things he was saying for so long…

He was almost grateful for the opportunity.

“I can never forget,” he emphasized before taking a deep breath in. It was time to end things, he supposed. He could only hope he’d managed to do a decent job. “And I’d never expect people to either. What I’m expecting… hoping is that people will give me a chance. I caused terrible things that day. Let me prove that I can do good things too. Please.”

There was a moment of silence then, where not even the reporters said anything. Kazuki was very surprised. When he’d thought about his interview and prepared for it, he expected there wouldn’t be a single moment of silence, with people throwing infinite questions his way. He’d seen two instances of interviews with someone under Uwabami and neither of those had refuted that idea.

Alas, the world was full of surprises, it seemed.

“That was all I had to say, I think,” he said, not quite deflating but definitely letting out a breath. As the air left his lungs, it was like Kazuki was letting out all the worries and fears he’d carried going into the interview. It was done. He’d said most of what he wanted to say, truly.

Now, it was just a matter of seeing what the result was.

“Have you seen the interview your mother gave after your appearance at U.A.’s Sports Festival?” someone asked then and he had to do a herculean effort not to react in any visible way. As if he could have not seen that when it had been all over the place for days. Hell, they were probably still dropping it around at times, he imagined. To the guy’s credit though, he seemed to pity Kazuki more than anything.

Either way, he just clung to the sudden relief and calm that was flooding him and gave the man a sad smile.

“I did,” he answered simply, because there hadn’t been any other questions there. He knew there’d be a follow up, but he’d make them work for it, if they wanted more. Besides, it gave him time to think of an answer.

“What do you think of what she said?” someone else said, this time with definite malice behind it.

“I’m sad that she doesn’t understand, but then again, few people do. I’m hoping that knowing more about me and how my Quirk works will help people do so. I’m hoping that understanding will make them fear me less, knowing that the circumstances that caused the Rampage could never repeat themselves now that I’ve learned how to control my Quirk. Every day, I train for the sake of avoiding that and instead using this power I have for good instead,” he answered calmly, no longer firm and determined and instead… serene.

Calm and confident, in an entirely new way, he supposed.

“I think she got one thing right, however,” he continued, and that definitely picked the interest of most of the reporters. “The Black Rampage was a dark mark in our history and we should learn from it. I did; I learned many lessons that day. Lessons that I’m applying now, to try and be better.”

[}-o-{]

Kazuki splashed water on his face. He looked down at his trembling hands and took a shaky breath in. Slowly, he grabbed the edge of the sink and tried to lean on it so that he could have a semblance of support. It wasn’t much, but it was something. He glanced at his reflection and he looked… like a mess.

Not only had his hair been ruined by how much he’d run his fingers through it after the interview was over and on his way to the bathroom. Panic was clear on his features and he looked even paler than normal, which he didn’t know was possible. Even the black veins spread all over his skin looked paler.

And yet, it wasn’t all fear and nerves. There was some relief mixed in, making it a very weird set of emotions. In a way, he was deathly afraid of his interview going badly, but he was also so very relieved that it was done. One way or another, it was done and he could let go of some of the weight that he’d been carrying previous to that. Sure, some of it got turned into an entirely different burden now, but it was something.

Drying himself off, he looked at the mirror once more to fix how he looked. Not because he particularly cared, since he was at school now and there was nobody to impress anymore, but because of habit, sort of. He’d stuck so hard to Uwabami’s teachings in preparation to that day that now it felt weird not to follow them. Besides that though, Kazuki had to admit that when he looked “his best” as Maeda would have said, he did feel a little better, like he was a better version of himself.

His back straightened then as he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. He didn’t need to look at it to know who it was. He was a little late to class, but he was sure nobody would have called him at that moment. Not his friends, that was for sure, and his teachers would probably wait to see if he showed up or not before deciding he’d been a no-show for too long. Besides, he was in the school, so he bet Nezu already knew about that, if nothing else. ‘Time to face the music,’ he thought to himself.

A second later, he answered the call and moved his phone up to his ear.

“You did a great job, Kazuki!” Uwabami all but squealed in his ear. It wasn’t what she said that reassured him, that took away some of his worries and his fears. The words did that too, of course, but what really got to him was her voice, her tone. Because she sounded so happy, and he refused to believe she’d lie to him with either her words or her voice. She’d almost always been direct and honest, certainly when it counted.

“Did I?” he couldn’t help but ask anyway, the painful clutches of his nerves refusing to let go of his heart. “I feel like I messed up a hundred times.”

“It happens,” Maeda told him, still sounding cheerful, which was getting to him more and more. “You did great. Everyone slips a little here and there, even me. Nobody expects you to do perfectly, but that was great and you should be proud of yourself.”

“Thank you,” he replied, the slightest smile forming on his face even if he still felt his hand shaking as it held the phone. “... Do you think it was enough?” he asked, almost not wanting to. Because he dreaded the answer.

“I think this is yet another huge step for you, Kazuki. You are doing wonders for yourself and if you keep this up… People will give you that chance,” Maeda told him and he let out a breath. Not the answer he hoped for, but an answer he was so very happy to hear all the same. “You are going to be a wonderful hero, Kazuki, and I can’t wait to see it.”

“I feel like that’s a million years in the future,” he said, because it truly did. Every step he was taking, every day, every training session, every night of studying, all of it just felt like it was taking forever and his progress was abysmal. The Sports Festival had been but a mere step, this interview had been but a mere step.

When was it going to feel like he was getting somewhere?

“Life is like that. Things take forever and no time at all,” Maeda told him softly and he closed his eyes. He guessed there was truth there. The Black Rampage felt like it had happened a million years ago and only one at the same time. Juvie felt like it had happened the previous week and years in the past.

That didn’t make things any easier.

“Thanks for calling me,” he said, deciding that he’d made Uwabami deal with his issues for entirely too long. Hell, speaking of… “I’m not taking up your time, right? I imagine you are still putting out the fires of my intern.”

“Kazuki, you don’t need to worry about me,” Maeda told him, and it didn’t sound like a reassurance. It sounded like a statement of fact, especially when punctuated by a laugh. “I’ve been in this game for too long. They won’t be a threat to me unless I intentionally mess up. I’m fine.”

“If you are sure,” he mumbled.

“I am, but it’s cute that you worry. Besides, I can’t leave my little intern on his own when he needs me, right?” she said and he could almost see her standing there, calm and collected as usual. “That wouldn’t be the heroic thing to do.”

“Thank you,” he said, a smile on his face.

And it was until after they’d said their goodbyes once more, until after he’d hung up that he noticed.

His hands weren’t shaking anymore.

[}-o-{]

Moving through the halls of U.A. once more felt odd. After going away, after his internship, after Hosu and the hospital, after his interview… it all felt anticlimactic, in a way. Surely his life would change after all that, right? But there he was, going to class as if everything was still the same.

‘Forever and no time at all, indeed,’ he thought to himself with the slightest smile as he approached the huge door to his classroom. There, he took a deep breath in, but it wasn’t because he was nervous about being late. It was just… a moment to calm himself in a completely different way. Because he thought he was coming back as a different person.

Maybe he hadn’t changed that much, he supposed, but he felt like he had. He felt like an entirely new Kazuki in a way that had nothing to do with having a new haircut or his clothes being immaculate. He’d learned and improved and he wanted everyone to see it.

So, Kazuki adjusted his posture, his expression relaxed and his best smile appeared on his face. It felt great, to be able to put “his best self” out there as he’d learned to without the fear that failure would have catastrophic consequences. It felt so good to know that if he failed, at most he’d get a good laugh with his classmates, his friends.

‘Let’s go, before Aizawa gets impatient,’ he thought to himself humorously. After all, he knew it was fine. He’d talked with the faculty about what was going to happen that day, after all, and they’d been very accommodating. It was odd, but he appreciated that they were allowing him so much when he was… well, him.

Either way, he pushed the door open.

“I’m sorry for being late,” he apologized instantly as he walked into the room, his every move and even his voice measured.

“See that it doesn’t happen again, Endo,” Aizawa replied with his usual tone and look, but Kazuki almost smiled wider at the fact that there was no negative emotion to be found in his teacher. If anything, there was only a slight pity and some annoyance. Kazuki was almost sure that it was pity towards him and annoyance at his situation though.

‘Woah, look at me world. I’m being optimistic,’ he thought to himself.

“Good to see you all again,” he said to the class, knowing that he should probably be a little more wary of his teacher, especially judging by the spike of annoyance that was definitely aimed his way from Aizawa. Still, it felt great to be back with everyone. Because maybe his interview had been shit and the world would still hate him…

However, his classroom was full of friends and friendly people. They were good and he knew it. So, no matter what, he could count on them all. For him, Class 1-A, hell, U.A. was a safe space. The world might be an awful place, but U.A. was the place that gave him a chance and was still having his back despite everything.

So, he moved towards his seat with calm and confidence that he didn’t need to force on himself. It was glorious. He looked at all his friends and they were looking at him with such excitement, such happiness that he almost stopped to appreciate that. Almost, but he’d pushed his luck enough.

“Going for the rebel look? Arriving late?” Hagakure asked from behind him and he turned to give her a grin that somehow caused some uncomfortable emotion to raise in her. He couldn’t quite place it but he decided it wasn’t bad enough to be important.

“Does it work for me?” he shot back in a whisper because he knew he’d get a chalk piece thrown at him any second otherwise.

“I guess,” Hagakure replied and he chuckled silently. He glanced around at the classmates he could see. Unfortunately, most of his friends were behind him, which placed him in a bit of an awkward spot. Hell, Jiro was almost on the other side of the classroom.

There were two people close by though. So, he glanced to his left and saw Kirishima looking at him and Ashido glancing over her shoulder a bit from her spot in front of the red-haired teen. He gave a smile to both. They might not be the friends they had been when things got started, but maybe it was time to try and be friends once again.

Sure, things were awkward after what had happened, but he wanted to try and make things better. Maybe he could make U.A. an even better place for himself and that meant dealing with all the rough spots. It was fine though, things were fine. He’d taken more steps to improve his situation and he was back in a familiar place where he could be comfortable.

It was time to keep taking steps, to keep improving. So, he took a deep breath in and focused on what Aizawa was saying. Lessons weren’t over for Kazuki now that he’d left his internship. Now he was back to regular business but that didn’t mean it was any less important. Because he was going to be the best damn hero he could be.

So the world better be ready, because Beacon was coming towards it.

One step at a time.

[} Chapter End {]

Hey guys! How’s it going?

Well, that was a rollercoaster of emotions, for Kazuki and for me. Goddamn what a mess of a chapter to get through. I couldn’t relax even when the interview was over, fucking hell.

I sure hope it turned out alright and you guys enjoyed it.

Discord Link: discord.gg/UTDransjJZ

Random Question: Did I do an ok job with the interview? Do you think I could have done something better?

See you.