been dealing with a lot [as usual] (Patreon)

I've just had a lot going on in my life recently, and my eyes opened to the shit that's most important (though more a reminder because my dogs have always been my top priority).

whats that term, 

"Some people are in your life for a reason, some for a season" ?

it's pretty true I think. And I don't know where I'm going right now. I'm trying to work on things in my life, and be online less. less twitter, less furry drama, all of it as a whole. I've been doing psychology testing on myself and it turns out I am FAR happier the LESS I am on my computer or online as a whole. I've been going out a lot more, taking my dogs to the dog park, meeting other dog moms and dads, making acquaintances. Normal people things, I guess. 

But october as a whole is a very, VERY hard month of me. in fact there is absolutely no good in october, at all. literally from beginning to the end of the month, it's all bad. all filled with dates of horrific shit that has happened to me in my life. So i'm dealing with this "block" involving anything and everything. From art, to being social, I just don't want to be near people, online, or anything. I am working hard while OFFline to improve my mental health and my life. Not being on anxiety meds has not helped me in the slightest, but I'm doing what everyone born before 1990 does. I'm dealing with it. I already want to move again, and this is very typical of me. I've never been in one place for very long, especially if it's somewhere I loathe. (or around people I loathe.)

Part of me wants to buy a plot of land in FL and disappear, become a forest hippie and write my novels in peace, away from everything. And that part is honestly the loud majority in my mind. I don't want to be somewhere that I don't want to be. and I am very adamant about that. I even have contemplated getting my dogs canine passports and moving overseas to spain or italy (I speak spanish and I have an entire family in sicily.) but I dont know. Truly never been at such an impasse in my life before.  I know exactly what I want, where I want to be, and how I want to be when I am there. But getting there is where I'm drawing blanks.

2022 has also taught me, or rather reminded something I've known all along. I don't need people. and the moment I stop wanting to be near someone, I simply axe them. It's never been hard for me to cut ties, I only ever rubberbanded with my abusive ex and that was because I kept hoping he'd be a better human being than the literal scumbag he is. (spoiler: he hasnt changed)

I feel freer. Freer because I dont answer to anyone. I don't need to. And waiting hand over foot for some piece of shit friend to make the correct choice, even after explicitly telling them what that choice is, isn't something I'm into anymore. If people can't choose correct, then they can go to hell. And reminding myself of this has been liberating. 

I've withdrawn from nearly all social circles of mine and even my family because they're all toxic anyway, and I am busy doing things for me and my fur babies. Am I working on self improvement or any of these other asinine schemes people lie and tell themselves to sleep better? No. No, I'm not. because I'm extremely content with the person (personality-wise) I am. I don't take bullshit, and if I had to change and bend the knee or submit to someone else just to feel "included," then they aren't someone I want to be around. People who stay around me, like me for my honesty, as it's one of my core values. I just don't lie. I'm not incapable of it, but I detest it with every fibre of my being. 

The universe is so vast and so enormous, and I'm tired of looking over my shoulder while my ex and his whore stalk me and impersonate me and mold themselves into BEING me. I'm so much happier days I am outside, in the wilderness, with my two dogs, having fun, walking around the park, etc. I wish I could do it even more often, and once I am where I want to be, I can promise I'll be outside 10 hours a day or more. As humans there's such a huge disconnect from nature and life and even as an avid city-kid, I just prefer the sounds of the outside, the birds the crickets [not the cicadas, i loathe those], the sounds of dogs barking and crunching of grass or gravel underfoot. I have no interest being locked inside all the time anymore, I'd rather be out there, living life and experiencing things. Like the fruits of my labors in gardening.

I don't need to change who I am to appreciate these things. I am still me. broken, angry, fierce. but i'm just a lot less concerned with the bullshit all around. at the end of the day I look forward to hugging janeway as I sleep, patting neo before bed, feeding my fish and maybe watching an episode or two on the tv.

something calm and peaceful, thats the life I am working toward. because after all, i am simply too old for this highschool bullshit.