Drowning in despair [HD + eyes close ver] (Patreon)

In my life, I can say I've lost both loves of my life now.

I'll never be whole again.

And I truly don't know why this happened to me. 

I've done so much good this year. For others. I've fed the homeless, helped old ladies, I've given what little I had to people around me, I poured my soul and broken body into loving one man, and being truly loyal to him.

And I wasn't good enough.

I was told I'm a bad person. I was abandoned after being promised I never would be.

I was told lie after lie, while for weeks I was cheated on by one of my own followers...homewrecking my relationship. A fat, obese, disgusting, balding wretched inbred looking creature...homewrecked my relationship.

All of our precious memories were deleted, erased. Hundreds of photos I didn't get the chance to save.

A smile I will never again get to see. and it's been so much and so painful my body has given up on living. At least that's one thing my heart, body and mind have agreed on. Giving up. 

I thought I had finally done it, finally would be happy, and I was. I was in the stars. But I guess he never loved me, he only loved the concept of love. And no matter what I tried or how hard I suffered internally to try to help him, nothing worked.

And in the end, someone less-than me came in and took what was mine. And did so easily.

I had just celebrated his birthday. And I knew something was wrong by how he behaved. He didn't like my mentions for his bday, he didn't reply to them, he was unimpressed by the massive effort I put into getting him balloons and a custom cake and a card and a silly had and party glasses and even confetti poppers. I did it for him, just to see him smile...and the whole time he was talking to her, ignoring me.

Perhaps the most pain I ever felt was when he finally admitted it to me, in my face, what had been going on. And when I saw the photos on his phone of him sending her selfies and asking for her address, to plot a route there, to fuck her. And he said how sorry he was and he knew how badly it destroyed me, and a day later I broke down hard and sobbed, he consoled me, he held my hand, he hugged me, he promised it'd never happen again, that he was so very sorry.

And the next morning he left.

I've never put all my cards on the table for one man. I've never been 100% loyal in mind and body. But I was for him. And I believed him. I trusted him. And perhaps that's why most of all, I want to give up living. Because I was the one roped in by his charm, I was the one pulled in by his romanticized way of viewing dating. I tried to keep my head level and on the ground, and realistic, but soon I was head-over-heels for him. And that is why I suffer now.

Now the only body I have to hug...is my own.