sorry. (Patreon)

a lot of things have been happening in my life recently, more than I can cope with. In a sense, i've crumbled and I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel. when you spend a whole year+ after splitting with someone bad, rebuilding yourself from the ground up, taking therapy, taking medicines, and wanting to change, and making those changes, then be told its not enough, its never enough, youre not enough

it's very hard to endure.

for many years ive felt i had no purpose, it's a feeling i feel now even more.

I really dont want to expand on things, at all, but I am the lowest I have ever been. I've never experienced crying to the point of bleeding and then blistering the flesh around my eyes, or crying so hard my throat bleeds, or throwing up from sheer despair and panic and terror.

and a lot of people say I lie about things, but I don't.  a lot of people say I use people, but I dont. In fact, it's always been my biggest fear to be used by others, and of course, i have. 

it's very hard when you are the one person actively trying to better themself, because there is no way any human can force another to seek help. you just have to want to. after what corey (firefox) did to me, the physical, mental and emotional abuse, I came out battered with lasting physical damages, and lasting mental damages. the guy I love now knows what i've said about him is not lies. He's had a year to see the first hand physical damage I live with in my shoulder, and the mental scars I have. and often, no matter how hard damaged people want to trust, we can't. and this is made even worse when we're told we're paranoid, and find out the truth is...the sad..despairing truth is we were right about our paranoia, and it was never paranoia at all. and I want to believe that like me, other people can change and want to change, and I want to believe everything can be saved. it's a failing of mine to want to see the best in people until the bitter end. until they prove there is no saving them. and it's a bitter pill to swallow to be the person wanting to help, and knowing you can't.. 

i no longer wish to go on like this.

i've had a book published with my art, i have been immortalized. it's good enough.

the end result of this story is only sadness, there is no laughter to be found.

and after decades now of people harassing me and everyone i cared for, I have just had enough.

to my few supporters, thanks. youve made things a little more bearable all this time.

no one should hurt or be in pain, but many people are hurting and suffering every day.

I am going to lay down now, and pet my dogs.

I’ve edited this post because as I suspected people twisted it as they always do.

My relationship was homewrecked. The guy I love is having his head filled with shit by shit drama loving people, and I am a wreck. Even my hopes eventually will be broken down, and my hopes to see him ever again will collapse.

I do blame myself. For not being good enough. I do it every day.