Just a little note from the artist[trigger warning, discussing rape/abuse] (Patreon)

I dont post text things often because I know it'll drop down in the feed as I upload art, but I'll do a little one this one time.

Since it's come up recently, despite not being an issue in the past I want to say that I am and always will be selective on the situations and content that my personal characters are in. Being blunt, my characters won't just fuck anyone, for any reason, at any time. That's never been how I've done things, from the dawn of my posting on the internet in DA back when I was a highschool kid, until now, I have never just used my characters as fuck fodder. Typically, a character of mine will engage in NSFW content with 1-3 people over the course of my using that character.

That's because I simply don't have an interest in that sort of material. It has nothing to do with anyone personally, it's just how I operate.

That said, sometimes a close friend (like very close friend) will be allowed to get an NSFW piece with my characters, so long as they keep it to just art and don't try to take anything as a literal sign of romantic feelings or interest.

Many artists operate in this fashion, I am just one of thousands with the same preferences. Some people enjoy their fox being fucking by 300 different random strangers. I do not. 

My character Ezrael was made originally (story time here folks) as a way to get my abusive ex away from my genuine male character Damian who I had just made. Damian I had drawn for months before my ex practically demanded to be in art with him, so I had to change my characters gender to c-boy because I am uncomfortable with my characters engaging in gay--especially when such character was designed to be a replacement 'persona' for myself, to get away from an old design I had no interest in anymore. 

That character, Damian, I grew to loathe and couldn't stomach to look at. What was beautiful, gorgeous art that was SFW of him, became a series of rape/debauchery artworks that I was forced into (because I just wanted my ex happy, he was extremely volatile and explosive, and still is.)

It made my heart sink and created such an awful feeling inside me that I made Ezrael, in any effort to remove my ex's association with Damian before it was too late. But, it already was. I had felt Damian was corrupted, and contaminated by my ex, and that I could never go back to how it was. I was internally furious and disgusted with myself for allowing the things to happen, and hated myself for going along with it despite how I felt.

Ezrael became the punching bag of my ex. She was raped, tortured, raped more, and attempted to be impregnated by his character in numerous pictures that I was forced into making. The content made me uncomfortable then, it makes me sick to my stomach now. That person actually *did* rape me. I'm not a person into bondage or kinks, and while at their house during the last visit I ever made to that piece of shit, he tried hard to goad me into wearing a stupid fetish "puppy" mask and other bondage equipment. I absolutely refused but I allowed the handcuffs [leather straps with metal buckles] to go on, as I thought he just wanted to look at me in them. (I've never been submissive at all, and never will be, so the idea that he would put me in such a position didnt ever occur to me--I had assumed we were on the same page) I was then padlocked by my ankles and wrists together behind me and raped. I fought the situation so violently that I tore my right shoulder muscles that I had been going to physical therapy for 3 months already to heal after a workmans comp incident at my job had caused me to severely tear my rotator cuff along with several other muscles that I don't remember the name of. Long story short, I struggled and fought to the point I hurt myself and exhausted myself. It was only after he'd had his "fun" that I was released. I can still remember him laughing at me the entire time. And my shoulder has never healed since then. I cannot sleep on my right side anymore.

This was a bit of a story but it led to my finally leaving  him for the last time and ending things myself, once again, as I had previously escaped him and was free for 6 months before he showed up in my life at my door, and wanted to ruin a relationship with a guy I had met at my job, irl. A healthy, normal relationship with the guy I met at my job mind you.

So when I was free from him, I began to distance myself from everything he touched and dirtied with his presence. Even Ezrael. The damage had been done to Damian, and I couldnt look at that character anymore without experiencing what I can only call PTSD symptoms. I suffer anxiety, which I take low-dose daily meds for and have a low dose-fast acting anxiety med for severe attacks. My entire life involving my ex was me having to take 2-3 of those fast acting pills so I could fucking breathe without my anxiety triggering an asthma attack.

I finally grew a spine against him, and asserted myself once I was free, electing to not draw for almost 5 months after the nightmare was over. 

Even a year later when I met my current bf Megalo, I was aloof, wary, like a dog that had been kicked far too often, I snapped and bit. I've been with Megalo a year now, and I still have ptsd involving my ex. 

Why does all of this shit matter? Because I dont want to contaminate the things I find precious and made for myself any longer. I don't want to look at something I drew, something beautiful that I was so very proud of, and hate it. That's a horrible feeling for anyone to have. So I limit who can be involved with my characters, and my 'personas' being Ezrael & Rika, I don't even use for my own enjoyment that often, because I don't want to get attached to something I made and love and have it tainted and ruined again. 

During the span of time since the hell with my ex, I involved myself 150% in Emain, the books, the lore, the species, all of it. It has been my escape and my savior. Having something that is undeniably mine, to involve myself in and get lost in has kept me sane. Or relatively sane. And having good friends at my back, and friends who have my back has been reassuring. 

I don't consider myself an emotional person, I learned to repress feelings and emotions as a child due to growing up in an abusive home. (my mother was addicted to various drugs including Demerol.) Emotional reactions were weakness, and weakness denoted you as prey. I had to close off my feelings and I've remained that way into my early 30s now. 

It's not an ideal situation, but it's what I have become. I have survived an epic amount of batshit insane fucking crap in my lifetime, my ex being just one more straw in the pile.

So, this long rant, what was the point? The point is, don't be offended if I don't want my imaginary dragon to fuck your imaginary dog/cat/wolf/dragon/moose/whatever. I AM however, very very open to scenic ideas or character narrative interactions, eg: story with art instead of words. I greatly enjoy depth to art, and a *reason* for an image to be made. That's not to say I don't enjoy the odd pinup of the nsfw variety, or just some random porn here n there, since I get paid to do that the most, but I do rather enjoy actual ideas rather than debauchery. 

I'm at a point in my life now, where I will not be guilt tripped or otherwise feel forced to draw something or engage in something I don't want to do. No one should have to feel that way. Ever. 

Also, take this as a formal PSA: I will no longer draw rape imagery of any kind. Non-con play, or rape play is something that really bothers the fuck out of me, and I used to just do art as a robot, not think too hard about what I am paid to draw, but no longer. I don't want to draw the things I have personally experienced. It isn't right.

Furthermore, I don't give a fuck if the internet believes me or not. Because the shit happened. Raven may hate me now and I her, but she was there for the aftermath of what my ex did to me. She was in voice calls when he flew off the handle and screamed at me, she may hate my guts but she knows it was no lie. All of my closest friends witnessed the abuse that my ex put me through. All of them were in voice at one time or another when he would go absolute batshit insane on me. It got so bad, I  was simply afraid to speak at all. I was so full of anxiety I couldn't even talk to my friends in my own server, my own private space. Because he was there too. Me and Raven may have beef with each other, but she lived through something faintly similar, and she knows full well how bad the fallout is from that shit mentally, as she has her own lithium addiction and clonazepam to take constantly for her own issues.

A lot of women are terrified to speak up against their abusers, and even me, who prided myself on my internal hootzpah and cojones, let myself fall prey to abuse. I'm not scared to say what happened, or mention the fact my ex threatened me in my own rental car and I thought he was going to beat me then and there, while on a trip to the beach. I don't lie when I say he broke into my house while I was at work and I came home to my front door unlocked and had to file a police report. And I sure as fuck don't lie about the damage all of it has done to me. 

Me not wanting to draw a lot of content, especially rough buttsex or rough throat fucking, is not something I say for no reason. I have my reasons, I just don't want to do that sort of thing anymore. I havent for a while. And while I have made great paintings this year of such content (featuring Ez's non-canon daughter) I was even then, uncomfortable. But the content was beautiful, so I put effort into it.

But I don't want to do things like that anymore. There are dozens of reasons why I don't. And I listed a few in this long post.

I'm also sharing this to every tier of my patreon because you all should know my reasons for why I don't draw certain things, or why I don't accept every random nsfw idea that is flung at me. Before 2020, I was an artist on FA with over 17,000 followers. My ex took that from me as well (with ravens help). Long story short, I got TONS of requests for that sort of content in my time on FA, and I denied all but a very select few.

From now on I will continue doing commissions for anyone who wishes it, but I will likely not use my characters with people unless they are someone like a best friend or my bf. Though really, for my own chars, atm I just want to draw scenes from their stories and the like. That's something I hope I can find time for.

Thanks for listening, and just to clarify a final time, no commissions are not blacklisted, I still take them! Just not with my personal characters if it's nsfw. On the offchance an idea is tossed my way that I like, I will, but generally, no.

Have a good day, thanks for supporting me.