just want to take a moment to say thanks.. (Patreon)

you guys supporting me are pretty darn cool... and me stubbornly continuing to keep this project up even though it's been slow to get off the ground, shows the love i have inside for it. Soulbound is a big part of my life and has been for years, the fact i can finally share it with people means a lot. without support from you all, it wouldn't even be remotely possible.

I'm not gunna lie, ive felt like dogshit lately. emotionally, physically, mentally, but im still here and still doing my thing.  i've slowed down on things i owe, sadly, but im still getting things done. having a job and going through other personal irl crisis has affected me more than i thought, and i only recently realized i have severe anxiety. [always had mild anxiety but it's clearly reached new levels of shit]

and i really hate it because yanno, you have every artist/furry/person out there going 'oh my gosh im SO anxietous i cant even function BOO HOO POOR ME'

but mine isn't like that at all, and i frankly dont believe anyone's really is [theyre just dramatic]

my anxiety doesnt have any "triggers" i guess, I dont get weirded out by talking to strangers, meeting new people, shaking hands, bumping shoulders with someone, etc etc. if someone gropes my ass in public I either punch them or if they've fled i just continue on my way. it's not the end of the world. but somethign recently caused a severe anxiety attack and because i didnt KNOW it was anxiety, it made me flip out even more like "why the fuck is this happening whats wrong with me oh my god i cant calm down"

and the thing was it was a simple, stupid thing and i have NO understanding as to why it happened. it involved my bf being in my house in my bed, sleeping. doing nothing but that just sleeping, and i lost it. i completely fucking lost it. spent the night hurling violently, shaking, pacing the house, it was atrocious. and the guilt was even worse and making the whole situation worse. my overly analytical mind just wired and freaking out 'why am i reacting like this what the fuck is wrong with me' and in the background my brain was like 'you need to fucking calm your shit you have work tomorrow you need to SLEEP' and i couldnt. i couldnt.

and the next morning things got worse and i wont get into it really, but yeah. im sleeping alone now, and no he didnt DO anything or hurt me, god if a man tried to do something like that i'd beat their ass. im not the type to roll over and go boohoo owie i got hit.  no...nothing happened....at all. i just lost my shit for seemingly no reason. i can guess at the reasons but the fact of the matter is it happened and here i am.

i feel guilty, i feel disgusted in myself, i feel majorly epically depressed, and this is why art has been slow. i take my happy ass to work, put on a very fake friendly face and pace/walk for 5 miles a day at my job until i get to go home. when i get home i can finally take the mask of 'shits fine' off and i realize how absolutely exhausted i am. then i pace the house, walk my dog, pace the house, lay in bed, stare at my phone and eventually sleep. this has been my life for 2 weeks now.

anyway the tl;dr thank you for supporting me, im going through a lot of shit. no i dont take anti-crazy pills because i dont see anxiety as a mental disability, its more like a fucking issue you gotta sort yourself. im really depressed but given the circumstances, i have plenty of right to be depressed. im not going to go to a doctor and take pills just so i can feel nothing, ill just keep going and eventually drag myself out of this on sheer willpower alone. but ill probably always feel like shit about the last 2 weeks and probably hate myself for literally ever.