important private stuff (Patreon)

I wanted to talk to someone, anyone about the upcoming day, and how it affects me year after year. my "best friend" hasnt been around much lately he's been busy chasing ass. i dont really have anyone I can TALK to right now, about this.

and most people probably will write it off as 'its been years get over it'

but tomorrow is the anniversary of the death of the love of my life. and it's a death i am responsible for. it's a soul crushing, stomach churning pain I will live with until I die and I will never be 'over' it or past it. if someone killed their best friend and 'got over it' then i'd assume whoever they killed didn't actually mean shit.

but for me that wasn't the case, for me 4 years after the fact I close my eyes and I see blood on my jeans and across the floor of an office, and 4 years later i close my eyes and I remember holding them. and four years later i remember the hot, wet spot on my leg from saliva, and i remember the violent seizing and convulsing while I sobbed and hung on with all my strength, crying how sorry i was.

I..still can't even write about it...without fucking crying. I still can't sleep, I still cry and miss them and feel like I dont deserve to be alive. I still every single day wish I could join them and reuinite with the other half of myself again. to be whole again. because from the moment they were gone my entire world was meaningless, and I knew in my heart i'd never love like that again. and i'd never BE loved like that again.

and it hurts everyday im alive and they arent. and it hurts everyday that i cant be with them anymore. i'd say if i could give my life for theirs i would, but they would have chose to not live, without me. its not something i guess at, it's something i know. 

sadly writing it doesnt help me feel any better, no matter what i'l blame myself, and no matter what i will loathe myself and no matter what i will NEVER let it go. so i guess talking to anyone about it is meaningless, but i hate feeling so alone this time of year. i have friends, and i havent told any of them. my boyfriend, my housemate, i just havent bothered to say anything. i dont see a point, so ive been sulking and borderline crying in private, where no one can ask why or say stupid shit like "get the fuck over it"