News! (Patreon)

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For the curious, this is the text on the paper that I typed out, even if  some of it is hidden by the folded paper and others obscured by the  depth of field

"An anaconda had broken out of the zoo on
Wednesday, sometime around noon. The snake’s
escape was first discovered after it ambushed
and swallowed a groundskeeper, who informed
authorities of the attack from inside its stomach.

The anaconda was nowhere to be found when
security arrived on the scene, and it is believed to
have since escaped the zoo grounds after eating
the groundskeeper. Their saliva-soaked cellular
phone was discovered several days later with no
trace of the anaconda itself or of the phone’s
(former) owner, who’s believed to have since
been digested by the snake.

The anaconda is a large and powerful snake, and
has little trouble in eating human-sized prey
whole, and can eat even larger prey with its
gaping jaws, stretching them open wide and quite
literally ‘walking’ them up and over its prey. After
eating, the anaconda generally slithers off to a
quiet and secluded location to rest and digest,
typically dissolving its meal between a few days to
a few weeks, depending on its size.

Since the escape the snake has yet to be caught,
but a number of sightings have been reported,
and several disappearances have been attributed
to the anaconda. One individual claimed to have
spotted the snake in their neighbor’s yard,
slithering into an open window. “I ran over to
their window and peered inside, the snake was
in the living room swallowing my neighbor! By
the time I ran home and called the police, the big
reptile was emerging from the open window, with
two large twitching lumps in its belly.”

The anaconda was confirmed to have been in the
neighborhood later that day with searches being
undertaken to locate the snake’s whereabouts,
which are currently unknown. Residents are
advised to keep their windows closed whenever
possible."