Literally i feel i lost a lot in 24 hours (To much text) (Patreon)

warning: this is an explanation about my stuff being a porter and being me, even my friends told me i'm being to idiotic rigth now. so don't worry if this sounds dumb, but had to remember sometimes bad days happen, and boy this was one of them.

Let me explain what is happening.
Thanks to my own depresion i see the things like everything is against me, i can be doing whatever i do focused on finish my game, model, or only enjoying a conversation with some friends, but i had the fear (like happened today) that i gonna do something what is gonna screw everything. and not in the side something bad is going to happen, literally everything is over.

and you would say me, what the hell? what makes you think that? bad experiences of my life, allways i had or had to happen something or someone who made me see like an idiot on an asshole when i try to don't be, and belive me, i hate when that happen.

and before you say me this is a vent, no, literally is not a vent, even some people say i hate them or directly thing i don't want to do anything with them anymore.

i gonna be honest, the day i literally send and insult to someone i would do it and with pasion, because i had a filosofi, if you want to live in peace you had to don't bother the peace of others, but you could say i'm not bothering the people for only interact with them, the fact is i feel it that way.

the reason is simple, i allways had been someone who was despreciated, and even if the people support me, i know i should heard more the people who say me i did a good job than i did something stupid or bad, and i know that, but something in my head (Belive me i don't know what is it but i wish to remove it from me) make me thing the stuff gets bad.

remember many times i tell you i dammed some pages who re-upload my content, well it's thanks to that stuff, i don't be valorated, at least not as my youngest self, and i think thats why i'm so stupid rigth now in the social-ambit, because i never understand well how to develop with the people.

and you could think, why youre telling me everything of this, i don't want to hear a drama, belive me, neither i do, but thats also something i knowed thanks to many people, no one wants to heard the problems of others, not even you not even me, nobody, we want to leave on peace but each time someone or something sometimes disturbs that one and bring "the new problem of the minut" and somebody would wish to had answers for the problems, when many problems can't be resolved like math formulas, no, not everything is 1 and 0, but sometimes we would wish would be that simple.

With that says analysing my mind i had to clarify 4 things:

1) NO, I'M NOT RETIRING OF MODELING OR MODEL MAKER! AND I DON'T GONNA BE, why? simple, is something what helps me to keep me busy, sometimes i wish to do something else with my life, like to had a job or do something more productive, but be honest people, I'm many times the meme: "Fine, i do it myself" and even if i don't would haved the help i had thanks to felicia's tavern, the place where i'm most,  i'm shure still i would haved tried to be part of the comunity and bring the people something they like.

2) I had depresion and i don't know how hard the stuff is it.

some people who knows where i live (at least the country) i told them the healt is pretty low still, even if is better in the security ambit, we still need many stuff, and for me is vent or talk with somebody who is dispossed to hear the problem i had, but i know the problem to, that person don't gonna say me what to do or do something for me for help me, only that person is going to lisent me.

if i want a real change i had to do it by myself, with that say i'm being questioned a lot what i gonna do with my life, and be an unemployed guy whitout experience in a place where is required 2 years of experience minimum is hard to archive it. like i only want my first oportunity, thats all, thats why i can focus so much on my models, i say it once and i say it again, many times I had all the time of the world for do something, lisent something or do something, more if i think that is worth it.

3) i don't hate the people, i feel hurt with the people and somethimes the wounds are so deep than even if i cured psysicaly i feel damaged still.

you would say: you had your development of character, no shit is true, since i had 8 years i feel alone and abandoned many times, and i had 25, when i was a kid maybe i would had get some help, now i can be treated like an craizy person for that, and i don't want to be in a "manicomnio" (no idea how to say that in english sorry) still i managed to get excellent grades, money for good behavior an entretain with my most loved thing in this world, the entretainment who brings me the games, i love to play, but i had to say also i know thats not healty, i can't be playing all the time.

and with that say i know the perspective of my friends, i can't be porting models, thinking of models, do models or pay models to others if that is gonna burn me down in the end. (if didn't do it allready)

at least for my own standarts i knowed my skills to do the stuff, to do it fast as i can as posible i get it, in other words, you give me the stuff, the same day in 1 hour on in 5 hours max i had it ready everything, and if was props, i was running to see if i could make the prop in less than 20 minuts.

even i was putting challengings to myself, i can do this? can i improve this? can i be better? and allways thinked YES I CAN, i had been doing this things for 2 years, so i started when i was 23, i decided to do something with my life, and belive me, i love to do everything i had done, with their exceptions of proudness, i'm the person who made posible more than 300 models, many of them femenine characters, and for a man who like womans thats a treasure XD.

and 4) and not for that less important, I love the persons who i consider my friends, and not in the way i had a big crush on them, is in the way, damn are my friends, i want everything good happens to them :D and i want to help me,  see them happy or at least do something what could made them be in a better way. I like to help others, be usefull for them, and most of all, be somebody reliable for it, because sometimes one would wish..... I don't want the people happen the same as i did. NEVER AGAIN.

but some stuff can't be done, even if i would learn how to cure all the deseases on the world new ones would be developing or happening to unfortunately people, so even if i do my part i know is imposible to do it, in a Cristianic way, Only good can be in every place, but in a human way, you never gonna make everything be the way you wanted, is more, you could end ruining it for your good intentions.

for one big explanation of this i made a mistake of the server i'm allways seeing everyday. :( and for the problems caused i question to the owner if i should haved been banned for it. and i know something, i would had been crying for a long time thanks if that happened, but the rules are the rules, if i don't had something allowed my heald also would fall off.

even some people was saying sarcastic or Anti-social thanks to the comment, the people don't care in the 90% what you do, the only who had to cares what to do is you, And for who told me i'm an hypocrital for say this and don't aply it belive me, i hate it to be or feel that way, i know the sky is closed to me, and for be liying is one of those things i feel bad, more when many times and the people know it, i proud to be open to the people, even you know what is my first name, is Rafael, if never i had the oportunity to say it nice to meet you, and if you allready do it and you still hate me for my behavior, maybe i can't do anything for change your perspective. and maybe i'm forgetting thats something i had to remember more ofthen.

I don't had to get so important a person who i barely know.

i should be more confident of myself, more secure of what i say and most of all, more proud of the stuff i made in the server, in this patreon, and in my life, i'm a smart guy, not the smartes one but yes a smart one, i'm Handsome in someway, and if i would save enough maybe even i would look in the exterior. and i know this sounds narcysist. but belive me sometimes a man what he want most is had his pride, and for me is my acomplishments and i can do the stuff by my own, if i can, i feel, wow, what i did wrong, and instead of remember all the good stuff i did i remembered all what i didn't. and thats see the glass half empty instead of half full.

and now i say this and with the stuff i made if someone wants to say me something or do something like don't be my patreon suscriber follower or whatever of me, it's ok, rigth now i'm not in the best moments of my life, and i been figthing to do a lot not only for me, for my family, for my mental healt and for my pocket who i feel is allways empty sometimes XD yeah i'm poor, but i can say at least even when i seel me for your dollar, i had done a lot who many would wish that be done for them exclusibely.

People, my fans of patreons, my commisioners, and my friends of any kind of platform, belive me for me this days had been a nigthmare who only was falling down, and even do this i feel, wow, finally i could say something about it, even i gonna put the warning of To much text for who don't want to read this.

for who do it, thanks a lot for support me and for tolerate the idiot i'm, and i'm not saying i'm an idito for a bad reason, i'm a man, and even if i can't  compensate you in any kind all what i did, thanks for read and do this stuff for me.