A Letter for you all from Montana (Patreon)

I know you guys typically hear from Kenny, but due to some life updates (all good), I wanted to sit down and write something to get my thoughts on paper so I can fully express something that I feel like I need to share.

I talk a lot about mental health in general and why it’s important to me, but wanted to give a little more context now that I’m in a better headspace and feel like I can talk about it more clearly after being on the other side of it.

The earliest I can remember actually exhibiting disordered behavior was 9, but the feelings that caused those behaviors have existed since before I can remember. I started therapy in high school, and was officially diagnosed and medicated my junior year. My anxiety was primarily academic and performance based, and as college got more and more difficult and I had to change majors, I spiraled. Career planning began, and things continued to go downhill. Then the pandemic hit and my anxiety got even worse, to the point where I was hospitalized. I was prescribed new medication that made it more manageable, but by no means a long term solution.

I went back to New York to finish my senior year, and the Covid restrictions at my school became the primary way my anxiety disorder manifested. This in conjunction with the food situation at our school and my inability to eat made it so that we ultimately decided to go remote and make the move to charlotte. This was largely possible for me because of channel, and beyond that the positive energy and interactions I got to have by watching these shows with you was a consistent bright light as I finished my thesis and wrapped up my higher education.

In February of that year my dad passed suddenly, and I presented my thesis 2 months later. Once school was over, I thought my anxiety would significantly lessen since it was typically academic, but it pretty much only increased the types of anxiety and variety of symptoms I was experiencing. I was diagnosed with PTSD and started an intensive out patient program and several medications.

As is frequently the case in mental health treatment, things had to get worse before they could get better. Around this time period I was unable to work (or really do anything) so we had to miss premiers because we just didn’t have anything to post. My mental health improved, but the side effects of the medication were horrible for my appetite and I lost a lot of weight. I could barely eat, and started feeling physical effects of malnourishment like blacking out, constant headaches, and nausea. I got an endoscopy but they didn’t find anything, so we kept exploring other options.

Eventually my doctors found the right medication combos and dosages, and in may I had my first month with almost no symptoms. This has continued for the past few months and I’m feeling better than I ever have before. I really feel like I’ve turned the corner, and I couldn’t be happier.

As much as I believe in normalizing discussions surrounding mental health, I feel like people don’t want to talk about the actual reality of what it’s like to live with mental illness because it’s still an uncomfortable topic. I’m not sharing this so people feel bad for me or anything. It’s just important to me that you know (if you care or are interested lol) where I was in my life mentally and health wise.

I graduated therapy the other day (meaning we’re gradually slowing down the frequency and transitioning to general check ins for maintenance), and we discussed what ultimately made the difference in where I was just a year ago versus now. We came to the conclusion that I had been experiencing burnout, and the privilege of me being able to exist in a stress free environment where I feel secure and safe and can prioritize working on my mental health was what ultimately made all the difference for me. And none of those things would be possible without you guys. The flexibility this job allows is the only reason I was able to get into the hospital programs and go to the doctors appointments that literally made a life changing difference in my life. The channel is how I was able to move out of school when it became detrimental to my well-being, pay for medication and therapy, be able to raise and train a dog to help with my mental health, and on the whole just have the opportunity and resources to get the help I’ve needed my entire life.

The way I’m existing now is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. My outlook is completely different and I can see visible tangible differences in who I am as a person (in all the best ways). I’ve always tried to express how appreciative I am, but I feel like without knowing how much you have given me, you can’t possibly understand why thank you will never EVER be enough to express how grateful I am.

Love,

Montana