Gacha God: Target Acquired (ch. 31) (Patreon)

What the fuck? What the fuck was happening?! I yanked up my pants while my ATs flared to life, sending out an expansive zero G zone that caught and suspended the falling rubble. However, it did nothing to protect us from the heat of the energy blast that had torn through the ceiling. I winced at it, a chunk propelled forward and smacking me in the head hard enough to ring my bell. Gritting my teeth, my Sharingan flared to life as a half formed skeleton surrounded both myself and Felicia. A handful of stray bricks bouncing off the rib cage.

"I'm guessing this isn't part of the date," Felicia remarked, her tone light as a feather, but I could hear the tension in her voice. The uncertainty and fear. She was putting on a brave face, especially when more of the ceiling and walls were blasted in by something. I had no idea what. Plasma? Didn't really matter, I decided, pushing my mask back over my face and finding that it had a fatal crack right down the middle.

"No, can't say that it is. And I can't say that I appreciate the interruption," I replied, my yoyo materializing in the palm of my hand.

"And I can't say that this is in my league. I'm a lover, not a fighter. At least not when I have to be," Felicia admitted as the rubble stopped falling and a cloud of dust was kicked up. The throne was crushed. Sadly. Very sadly. I think I'm going to cry. Well, no matter. "Don't suppose you have somewhere safe to hide out at?"

"The Cave should be fine. Just don't touch anything by the Scepter -- it'll kill you. And not in a fast way. Might be there for a bit, but call it an hour or two, and I can let you out." I said, looking upward and seeing… something. No. Not just something. A spaceship. One shaped like a giant… T? Well, no accounting for style, a space ship was still a spaceship. Which means aliens. That was kind of cool, but I had to say, they had the worst timing.

"You're fighting?" She questioned, and her eyes widened a fraction when she saw my Sharigan through the mask. I tossed her a wink to reassure her.

"Don't go worrying about me. Just going to teach them some manners," I said, Susanoo fading away, giving Felicia the opportunity to slip towards the portal that was connected to the Cave. Felicia smirked ever so slightly at that, planting a kiss on my masked cheek, and quickly beat feet to escape the battle that was coming.

"Don't keep a girl waiting," she said, the tension easing out of her voice once she was on the safe side of the portal. With that serving as a farewell, with a thought, I closed the Cave of Wonders and the portal that it had been connected to, leaving the two halves of the beetle to fall into my waiting hands. Tucking them into my back pocket, I floated upwards, through the dust, to see what brand of alien was attacking us. Well, they were assholes -- I knew that much already.

However, looking up at a very sinister looking T shaped ship that seemed to be made out of some kind of black rock rather than metal, complete with an ominous looking red splotch that didn't really seem to serve any purpose beyond aesthetics, I got the inclining that they were the evil asshole variety of alien. That much was confirmed when odd looking knife-like fighter ships started breaking off the T-ship that hovered overhead… all sinister like. I watched them go, a good half dozen of them forming two squads of three.

They were coming right at me.

They weren't here to attack London.

They were here to attack me.

"What the hell did I do?" I muttered to myself, not entirely displeased with the challenging fight, but the timing was truly terrible. Now, I wasn't going to kill a bunch of aliens because they interrupted some quality time with a breathtaking beautiful woman. That would be exceedingly petty. I would mostly be killing them because they were trying to kill me. Mostly. About seventy-thirty, if I had to say. Maybe sixty-forty. Actually, the more I think about it, it was about fifty-fifty.

The two squads flanked out, racing towards me and I didn't hear any sounds of thrust coming from them -- just the sound of the long knife-like blade cutting air as they rapidly approached. I lurched forward, determined to meet them halfway and picked the closest one on the left to start. The squad banked together, trying to avoid me, and I saw that the edge of the ship was rather accurate, because the second one banked sharply enough that it nearly cut me in half. Spinning sharply, I intoned, "Thirteen Totem Pole."

In response, one of the totems erupted upwards, smashing the offending ship as it had no room to maneuver. As it collapsed into a flaming wreck, toppling the totem pole, that seemed to spook the others because all of a sudden, they started scrambling. And dropping soldiers off? I watched as some drop pod looking things erupted from the knife ships, raining down on the ground and buildings around, revealing… they kind of looked like Lord of the Rings orcs. Just a little bit. Just with guns, I soon learned because they started shooting at me.

"Seriously, what the fuck did I do?" I questioned again, throwing myself into the fight despite my bafflement. With the five ships remaining, it was harder to keep track of them all but my Sharigan helped me out there as I weaved between the ships, lashing out with my yoyo and my thirteen totems. They erupted from the ground, sailing up into the sky to force the ships in a direction -- either away from me or into a position where I could strike. The yoyo and its phantoms tore at the metallic rock that the ships were made out of, carving deep grooves out of it. As the ship I was attacking banked to get away from me, the blade snapped under the sudden change in pressure.

My Regalia flared to life, catching the blade that was as long as a building in my gravity sphere. The substance was dense, and I had no hope of truly carrying it, but as I sailed towards it, slamming down on one end, I found that I could maneuver it well enough. Above the city of London, the blade pivoted sharply, catching another one of the ships in the cockpit and cutting right through it. The ship I had nicked the blade from lost its balance and ended up smashing into the museum. So, technically, I had saved a bunch of priceless historical artifacts by stealing them. Good job Present Me.

The blade that I stood on slowly fell to earth as the remaining ships all circled around me, their numbers already cut in half. I stopped the falling motion by lifting a totem from the dirt, catching it in the middle. I spared a glance at the T-ship, seeing that it remained unmoving. "This doesn't feel like an invasion force," I muttered under my breath, the three ships closing in.

This was a single mother ship and a handful of fighters. Not exactly a lot, even if this was a hit on me.

With a heave, I pulled up on my giant impromptu sword  while another totem shot up, hitting the tip of the blade with a thunderous crack that sent the tip flying up. The ships banked to avoid, but I saw their paths. Two were a distraction while one was the one making the suicide run at me. With a flip, I kicked the edge of the massive blade, making it pivot with the god awful grinding noise, making the flat of the blade face the suicide ship. As it closed in, a totem erupted from the surface of my blade, punching right through the cockpit of the ship, destroying it utterly. As the last two ships tried to escape, two other totems erupted from the ground with such force that they flew through the air.

They both struck their targets, leaving me in control of the air. All the other pillars faded, all except for the one I stood on, giving me a vantage over the city. I heard sirens in the distance, along with gunfire that was punctuated with the occasional scream. It would seem that the aliens were here for me, but they didn't seem to mind killing people if they got in the way.

You have earned an item roll!

1. David Martinez's Sandevistan (Edgerunners)

2.  Floppy Disk (Control)

3. Vigor - Possession (Bioshock)

4. Vegnagun (Final Fantasy X-2)

5. Pursuit Special (Mad Max)

6. Legendary Shield (Rise of the Shield Hero)

7. Terraprisma (Terraria)

8. Cedo (Warframe)

9. Gallatron (Stellaris)

10.  Divine Dragoon Spirit Stone (Legend of Dragoon)

11. Wordless Black Book

12. Lord Vile's Armor (Skulduggery Pleasant)

13. Portal Gun (Portal)

14. Loyalty List

15. Prison Realm

16. Mokeskin Pouch

17. Horadric Cube

18. NZT (Limitless)

19. Hestia Knife (Danmachi)

20. Oathbreaker

Oh. That certainly was convenient, I thought, reaching into the screen to grab the D20. Sometimes it just felt like my power loved me. I dropped the die next to me, letting it spin wildly before settling on a number. '12' faced upward for but a moment before the dice vanished, replaced with… a suitcase? A full brown one with golden clasps on the corners, but an oily blackness seemed to drip through the thin seal of the closed case. Reaching out to it-

Lord Vile's Armor -- The Deathbringer.

An armor made of formless shadows of immense power. Any who wear this armor are granted incredible ability in the Necromantic arts.

Oh. Neat. Without a second thought, I undid the clasp and it was when the suitcase snapped open, that I started to think that maybe that wasn't such a great idea as black shadows leapt out of the suitcase and swallowed me. I flinched back, falling on my ass as I struggled to take a breath -- not because I couldn't breath, but because it felt like the air had been stolen from my lungs. I felt the shadows wrapping themselves around me, coiling like snakes around my limbs and torso. The sensation around my neck felt too much like a garrote for comfort.

The shadows seemed to infect my clothing rather than transform them. They became black as midnight, a haze of dark smoke wafting around them as they were changed irrevocably. Only when they settled did the pain start to hit me -- it was as if the shadows were digging its hooks into me. I swallowed a scream and instead chose to snarl, forcing myself to my feet.

All my items were inherently dangerous. I just got good at dealing with that danger. Some were like the Divine Water -- something fundamentally deadly that had to be mitigated with a bit of clever thinking and some help. Other items, however, were simply deadly, and as it felt like my flesh was searing and my blood boiling --it became clear this armor was the latter. So it could be dealt with in one of two ways, really. Finding an item that made it easier to control, or using dumb stubborn force. Seeing as I didn't have an item, I was stuck with the latter.

I could feel the armor trying to consume me. To crush me. It tried to sap my strength and my life, and instead, I ripped it away from its prying grasp. Clenching my hands into white knuckled fists, I demanded submission in return. The shadows that clung to me recoiled, fighting my will, but little by little, I chipped away at them… until the armor abruptly gave up. A heave of breath escaped me, the armor accepting me as its master, however barely. The pain faded to nothing and the shadows settled and I could take stock of my condition.

It had settled into an odd type of half-plate armor. I had a breast plate, pauldrons, and gauntlets that were made out of a pitch black material that was genuinely discomforting to look at. I had a pair of greaves as well, but the spaces between my body were covered in the wispy shadows that seemed to fade in and out of view. Reaching back, I found the hood to the No Face May King and saw that the shadows had infected it as well. Thankfully, when I pulled the hood up, I felt its usual effects take hold.

"You are going to be a pain in the ass, huh?" I muttered to myself, having lost a minute beating the armor into submission. I was damn lucky that I took the alien fighter ships out first, or that would have been the end of me. Rolling my shoulders, I turned my attention down to the streets below where the police force were mustering up a response -- for all the good that it did them since the average cop in London didn't have a gun. Mostly, they were evacuating the area while the aliens were sweeping it for anything alive that could interfere with the fight.

No. Not that-- they were trying to draw me out. My ATs hummed with power before I shot off down to the ground, accelerating at rapid speeds fast enough I could feel my heart touch the back of my ribs. I arrived a split second later, just in time to see one of the aliens taking aim at a cop with a laser rifle. Before he got a chance to pull the trigger, I landed on the side of his head, knocking him ass over teakettle and dragging him through the asphalt. They were tough. That was immediately evident because it was the asphalt that gave way rather than his head.

Necromancy. That's what it said on the tin, right? I pulled up on the power of the armor, and instead of being able to talk to dead people, what I got instead was a single tendril of black shadows erupting from my back. It felt as natural to move as my own arm, which was convenient, but not exactly what I had been expecting when it came to 'necromancy.' Didn't really matter. I could use it. Even if I did feel the armor jealously holding back what it was truly capable of. I was going to have to fight it to draw out its true power, but I already had my hands full at the moment.

The shadow tendril shifted into a three pointed claw, grabbing another alien by the chest and squeezing hard enough that the claw tore through him. At the same moment, I lifted up with my ATs, keeping the alien pressed against them as I flipped back and shot him like a bullet at another. My yoyo lashed out, smacking another in the chest before totems erupted from the ground to pivot the wire to deal with the others. In a handful of seconds, a squad of six was downed or dead, leaving the cop gaping up at me.

"You lot just focus on getting people away. Leave 'em to me," I told him… before I realized my hood was still up. Right. What did that look like from his perspective then? Pushing the hood back-

"AHHHHHHH!" The cop screamed, flinching back. And… you know what? Fair. I did just appear out of nowhere and I didn't exactly seem friendly to begin with, and now with the shadow armor I was rocking? Completely reasonable response. Still inconvenient, though. Especially when the aliens started to pick themselves up and the others closed in, realizing that they had managed to draw me out.

They took up positions around me, others seemingly appearing out of thin air. None of them fired, but I felt their weapons aimed at me from a lot of troublesome angles. I didn't mind. It gave me a chance to give the aliens a look.

They almost looked human -- their skin tones were off, going between pale gray to onyx black, their mouths full of sharp teeth, with elf-like ears that were tapered into points as well. Some of them wore golden masks, though, that completely blanked out their expressions. Their eyes were full of hate. Something personal then.

My gaze was drawn to a figure that was approaching me. His eyes an unnatural shade of ice blue, wearing robe-like armor that vaguely reminded me of a Jedi from Star Wars. He came to a stop at the point of the formation, the aliens slowly but surely surrounding me in the attempt to cut off all thoughts of escape. "The Aether. What have you done with it?" The leader asked, his voice carrying a rough edge as if he hadn't spoken in a long time.

Aether? "I literally have no idea what that is," I replied, lazily walking the dog with my yoyo. "A full blown attack is a bit much. You could have just asked politely if I had it or not." You interrupted my date, prick -- that went unsaid. "You don't seem to do things by half-measures… whoever the fuck you are."

The alien snarled at me, "I am Malekith of the Dark Elves. I know you possess the Aether. I know that you have hidden it away. We tracked it to this location before it vanished. You will give it to us so we may end this wretched state of existence." Malekith said, taking a threatening step forward. He seemed pretty intimidated to be squaring up against me, but that could just be the fact that he thought I was surrounded.

There was a lot to unpack there, but I zeroed in on one thing above all the others. "You're dark elves?" I asked, frowning deeply underneath my mask. What the fuck? "I thought dark elves were supposed to be super hot with onyx skin and silver hair. DnD fucking lied to me. Oh, and I thought you were all dead on account of Bor Burison commiting genocide hundreds of thousands of years ago." I remarked lightly, my yoyo smacking my palm when I flicked it back to me.

It was a tale that I was familiar with -- the Dark Elves were ancient before the universe even existed. A thriving society of what I had thought, until now, were super hot elven babes that were thrown into disarray with the Big Bang. They existed in non-existence, a state in between, but when matter was given form… well, I imagine that threw a wrench into things. So, they spent a few billion years adapting to their new state of existence before they ultimately decided that it wasn't for them and tried to wipe out the universe for the sake of their quality of life. Naturally, the other people in the universe weren't so keen on the idea and while wars had raged for a few more billion years, it was Odin's father Bor that delivered the final blow.

He killed them all to give them the state of non-existence that they so craved.

"We slumbered for millennia, waiting for the Aether to be revealed. Now it has been. You possess it," Malekith stated with certainty. Enough certainty that it convinced me that I really did have this so-called Aether. It vanishing was obviously the Cave of Wonders closing -- had it been in the museum? Or… you know, it probably had something to do with that weird pocket dimension and the red slurry of reality warping power now that I thought about it.

I leaned back, revolted. "You're going to use reality manipulation to wipe out the universe?" I asked, finding myself bitterly disappointed with him. Not only was he not hot, he wasn't even a she. And now this? That was disappointing. "Dude. Lame. Anything worth doing is worth doing right. If you want to wipe out reality, then you should do it with your own two hands, not with a crutch like that." I remarked with a shake of my head.

Reality manipulation was lame. It was no fun. It was like switching a light on and off -- you either had all that you wanted, or you didn't but with a flick of the switch, you could. There was no satisfaction there. The best part of working towards a goal was the feeling of fulfillment when you finally got to take a seat and bask in your accomplishments, whatever it might be. Now, as an idiot living in the universe, I was against having him wipe it out. However, I was especially against him using what amounted to a fucking cheat code to do it.

"I care nothing for your opinions, creature. You will give us the Aether or we shall take it from you," Malekith threatened and I resisted the urge to roll my eyes at that.

"Oh, spare me the impotent threats of another petty tyrant," I dismissed with a shake of my head. "I've heard it all a thousand times before 'do what I say or suffer the consequences', 'You'll watch all those you love die screaming.' Blah, blah, blah. Unless you got something unique to say, then save it. I can't be bothered to hear it." I told him, and based on how his lips pressed together in a thin line, that was his entire set. That was just sad.

I’m sure a billion years ago, stuff like that was fresh and innovative. Now it was bog standard. There was nothing sadder than seeing a great legacy fail to adapt to modern times.

“I shall relish in your screams,” Malekith growled at me, his temper proving to be a short one. Not being afraid of him really set him off, huh? Well, I had seen scarier. A lot scarier. The kind of scary that didn’t need a magic rock to do the heavy lifting for them, so in comparison to that, Malekith was about as terrifying as a wet kitten.

“I’m going to bust a gut laughing when you start crying,” I shot back, sensing that the moment for battle was near. Just as the tension swelled, I smelled the scent of ozone followed by a crack of thunder. I winced at the flash of light as lightning struck the ground before me -- or, rather, Thor the god of Thunder landed directly in front of me.

He wasn’t the only one. Just the flashiest. Through the crackle of lightning, I caught sight of that rainbow haze that a few familiar faces appeared from. Ironman stood near Thor, his armor repaired and maybe even upgraded since we threw hands. I didn’t see Black Widow or Hawkeye, but that was probably a deliberate choice rather than leaving them behind or anything.

Above all else, my gaze landed on the back of Captain America. Broad shoulders clad in familiar blue, red, and white armor with a shield of the same coloring with a star in the center facing me. I locked eyes with it, tilting my head ever so slightly. I was surprised to see them here -- but, I don’t think I should be in hindsight. Tony wasn’t the kind of guy that would hog teleportation tech. If I had to guess, him implementing it into his suit was a by-product of trying to create a planet wide teleportation network.

They were the Avengers. If they couldn’t protect the world, then they would avenge it. However, there would be a lot less Avenging to do if they didn’t need to wait ten hours flying to where the trouble was. The battle started maybe ten minutes ago, and they were already here.

“Told you it’d work -- Audacity. I see you’re creepier than ever. What are you doing in London of all places?” Tony asked, his tone flippant as he faced the dark elves around us.

“I had a hot date, and-” Oh. I probably shouldn’t mention that I was plundering a museum. “Er, and these guys robbed the London Museum. Just took everything there, and teleported it away, or something. And I, righteously, decided to interfere.” I replied, making Tony glance over his shoulder.

“... You seriously robbed the London Museum?” He asked, seeing right through my bullshit. Unsurprising, really -- I was just laying the groundwork because it wasn’t like they weren’t going to notice that there were no artifacts in the rubble.

“You’re going to have to give all that back,” Captain America said, making me scoff.

“Uh, no. I stole it from some thieves. If the London Museum wants to see any of it again, they’re going to have to pay me an admission fee to look at it through a display with a plaque telling them I stole it from them. The rest is going back to who it belongs to. Well, mostly. There’s some cool shit that I plan to keep,” I replied and that one mild remark made up my mind.

I shouldn’t do it.

I should not do it.

I’m totally going to do it.