Legends Never Die: To Be A Man (ch. 32) (Patreon)

I had completely forgotten about that raid. No, that wasn't true. It was impossible to forget the raid itself. That had been the raid that had made Horrik honor me, where I was engaged to Jill, and the norns started to weave far more interesting events into my life. However, I had completely forgotten about that family that I let go. That I tried to let go.

I don't think it was entirely my fault that I hadn't been able to recognize him. He looked very different after… nearly two years. He was older, for one. His hair was shaggy and unkempt, his clothing was ragged and cheap instead of the fine stitching that I saw on him and his family before. It was clear that he had fallen on hard times, and I recalled seeing what was left of the village when we sailed upstream to join the war. It had been left to ruin.

"Is this true, Seigfried?" King Widukind looked at me, his lips pressed together in a thin line, also feeling how thick the tension became between myself and the Jarls. There was almost a pleading look in his eyes, trying to convey a silent message.

'Lie.' That's what his eyes told me.

I looked down at the young man -- who was now a man fully grown. It was hard to think of him like that. He had proven hot headed years ago, and it seemed like he had learned nothing since. "It is true, King Widukind. I was with Jarl Horrik at the time. My first raid," I confessed and I could feel the tension stirring at that. People traded looks and frowns while grumbling filled the air. People weren't angry, I was relieved to see. They were just confused. "I came across his home to find the door barricade. I knocked it down, and tried to get them to flee but I didn't know the language at the time. This man attacked me -- rightly so, for I was attacking his home, which caused his father and brother to attack."

"You murdered them," the man spat at me, hate shining in his eyes. Veins bulged in his neck, his entire body trembling with rage. Not anger. Rage. I had felt it's like twice before now. Enough to recognize it in another. I didnt know his name but the man before me hated me. He hated me as much as I hated Thorfinn and Horrik. "You came into our home in the dead of night and you murdered my family! I demand justice!"

"Silence!" King Widukind snapped at him, going red in the face. "Seigfried, continue."

"There is not much else to say, King Widukind. It was no murder. I slew his father and brother -- that much is true. I was weak then. I had little hope of sparing three opponents that wanted to kill me. After they were dead, I gestured for the rest to flee again and they did. I never saw them again until he tried to assassinate me," I concluded. As I spoke, people were coming around to my side of the story.

It wasn't murder. Some were clearly unhappy that I had participated in a raid against Saxony at all, but that issue carried little weight considering Saxons raided Saxons. Just as Danes raided Danes. But, even those that were unhappy couldn't claim that what I did was murder. It was a raid. Had they struck me down, it wouldn't have been a murder either.

"You -- your name. Speak it and your side of the story. I shall give verdict on this accusation," King Widukind stated, looking at the man with an even gaze.

"Alef, My King. My name is Alef. I was the son of Stefan the Lucky -- a merchant I'm sure you've all met, my lords." That name got a stirring of recognition. "And he speaks lies, my King! He broke down the door, ignoring our warnings that we would strike him down if he entered. Once he was inside he growled a challenge to us, gesturing to himself. I took him up on it! He bested me, but my father and brother rushed to my aid and he killed them for it." Calling him a liar was on the tip of my tongue, but I swallowed the words.

He didn't understand Norse and I hadn't understood Germanic. All he had to go off of were the gestures -- had I gestured to myself? I don't think so. I recalled gesturing to the door… but… at the same time, could I expect them to think clearly when there was a raid and I broke down their door? I wasn't entirely certain that I could. Meaning that Alef might not have been lying so much as he was mistaken.

"He allowed us to live. He spoke the truth in that, but it was a cruelty. My sister… her husband was killed during the raid, and her babe died of sickness not long after. My sister… her heart broke, my lords. She walked into a lake in her grief. I provided for my mother the best I could, but the war made it impossible. Her body is weakened… and I fear she too is not long for this world. All of this happened because of him. My father is dead. My brother, dead. My sister and nephew, all dead. Because of him." The hate that was in his voice was something that resonated with me.

My lips thinned and I had to fight to not look away from his gaze. Shame. I felt it, but I had no reason to. I was within my rights. I didn't intend for them to die. I offered what mercy that I could. It wasn't my fault. I knew that. Yet, I still felt shamed by his words.

Because I imagine Horrik and Thorfinn thought much the same. And I didn't at all care to have my own thoughts about them directed at me.

"I understand your grief, Alef. Your father was a good man. One with many friends," King Widukind stated, his gaze flickering to me as he said the words. Meaning that I made enemies by killing him. "But your accusations of murder ring false. This was no murder. The deaths of your sister and nephew… It is regrettable, but it was the will of the gods." King Widukind decreed, earning a series of nods all around. The people agreed with the decision. "Siegfried was thirteen when he underwent his first raid. It is not he who is at fault but Jarl Horrik for the deaths of your father and brother."

I could see that Alef disagreed venomously with the verdict. His face peeled back into a snarl, trembling, but he kept himself in check. Perhaps he wasn't as hot headed as I thought he was. I… if Horrik or Thorfinn were in front of me, just passing me by… would I have acted any differently?

"Now, it is you that have broken our laws, Alef. You attacked Siegfried with the intent to kill. The charges were not levied against him before the attack, nor did you issue a challenge. This, Alef… was an attempt of murder," King Widukind stated in no uncertain terms, and the words got a visible reaction from the Jarls. Their expressions tightened, one outright sputtering in denial. That made me uneasy because King Widukind was right. It was an attempt of murder, one with several dozen witnesses. I'm not sure what there was to be shocked about.

It was Jarl Aldmund, the Jarl that I would soon be fighting with in Holland, that spoke, "My King, surely that is… excessive?" He voiced, not looking at me in favor of fixing his gaze on his King. Pointedly ignoring me. Thankfully, King Widukind had the same reaction I did -- his eyebrows climbing high as he understood the statement.

"Excessive?" King Widukind stressed the word, demanding an explanation.

"If Wolf-Kissed was an ordinary man, I'd say it would be a fair judgment, My King. He's young -- that is certain, but his deeds speak for themselves. He's a Raven-Feeder. Wolf-Kissed, do you even know how many men you have killed?" He asked me, stroking a graying beard.

I frowned at him, "I don't." I admitted, having long since lost count. I had guesses. "It is likely less than a thousand. I think," I added lamely, and that got a far greater reaction from the Jarls. The admission earned a ripple of alarm through the Saxons and Jarl Aldmund's face pinched. Almost as if he regretted speaking. Or that I proved his point.

"If he were a normal man, then this would be an attempt of murder. But he clearly is not. Alef… Alef is a single man. How could he have hoped to kill the Wolf-Kissed? I'd say that challenging him with anything less than a dozen men can't be considered an attempt on his life because it's clearly a form of suicide," he continued.

There was a rippling of agreement and another Jarl spoke up, Jarl Hrypa. The Jarl that had been fiercely arguing with Jarl Aldmund not an hour before. "He makes a point, King Widukind. The laws of men are for men. Wolf-Kissed is more than just a man. Even if Alef had challenged Wolf-Kissed to a duel, what would have been the result? A single man against one that has carved his way through armies? Can that really be called justice?" He asked, crossing his thick arms over his broad chest.

What was happening right now?

"You're claiming that people should be free to attack me? As if I were a Skalgamore?" I questioned, a sharp edge in my tone that made Jarl Hrypa wince.

"I mean no offense, Wolf-Kissed.  And no, they should not be free to. Nor should you be expected to not defend yourself or your property. What I mean is… you are more than a man. Some are calling you a god and I'm not entirely certain that they are wrong. It would be foolish to apply our laws to you because they were made with the idea that men would be fighting men. Not men fighting a god." He did sound apologetic, but that did little to quell my annoyance.

"I'm no god," I stated firmly, and loudly.

"You're more of a god than any of us," Jarl Hrypa returned.

"Enough," King Widukind interjected before an argument began. His gaze swept across everyone in the clearing, all who were watching the trial progress. Some were voicing agreement with what Jarl Hrypa said. And… I saw the argument, annoyingly enough. I was confident that I could kill any man in a duel. I could see how I could abuse that fact to make myself just.

My gaze flickered to Grimar, who was listening quietly. I had tried the very same thing with him. Hurling terrible insults at him to provoke him into a duel so I could kill him without becoming a murderer.

"This is not the time for this discussion. Siegfried the Wolf-Kissed committed no murder. As the victim in this attack, I call upon Siegfried to voice what he believes to be a fair punishment," King Widukind spoke, sending another look at me. I knew what he wanted.

But what he wanted made it… perhaps not justified, but not strictly illegal to attack me like Alef did. And that seemed like a very dangerous road to tread. I would effectively become an outlaw to society without actually being banished, simply because I was so much stronger than everyone else. I hadn't anticipated that.

I looked to Alef and saw him glaring at me with eyes full of hate. He would come for me. Success wouldn't matter. He would come for me. Simply because he couldn't stop himself from doing anything less. I was innocent in the eyes of the law and nobility, but I could see it that he held me responsible. He believed me to be guilty. Even if the blame really resided on his shoulders for attacking in the first place.

Mercy would be wasted on him.

This wasn't like it was with that girl in Cologne, or Hilda in Worms. They had the willingness to fight, but they lacked the means to -- attacking me with a wood log or bare hands while others, those that should have been fighting, cowered. I respected that. Alef had the means to fight me. He challenged me without fear. He had my respect for that and a warrior's death should be delivered to him.

That was my opinion but I could feel King Widukind's gaze boring a hole into the side of my head. "No harm was done to me, so the punishment should be light. Next time you face me, issue a challenge like a man instead of trying to stab me in the back," I told him, making Alef's eyes narrowed into slits, a muscle spasming in his jaw before he offered a curt nod.

That wasn't going to be the end of it, but I found myself uncaring. My gaze slid to Halfdan, my brother… and the entire trial fell to the back of my mind.

"That looked like a real mess. Come on, little brother. I think we should talk."

…

We relocated to my tent, one that had been given to me. It was located in the mercenary portion of the camp, on the fringe. It was a large one, a clear mark of status according to Thorkell, but I hardly used it. I spent most of my time out with groups working the land and hardly more than a day in camp.

"I-" I started, looking at Halfdan as we entered, but as soon as the tent flap had closed, he swept me up in a hug, squeezing hard enough that I thought I might bust a rib.

"You look well, Seig. Hardly recognized you when I first saw ya'. And look at you, talking with kings and Jarls," Halfdan said with a laugh and tension flowed out of me as I embraced my brother. "When word traveled about you, I wasn't sure if it was you or not. You should hear about some of the things people are saying about you."

"I have," I admitted, breaking the embrace with reluctance. "Is that how you found me? I-" I started, my throat clogging up with emotion that I tried to swallow down. "What- Is everyone okay?" Questions tumbled across my tongue, all of them trying to leap off at once, but I chose the most important one.

Halfdan met my gaze for a moment, the easy smile falling and a sigh escaped him. My heart leapt to my throat, but he spoke. "Everyone is fine, Seig. We were more worried about you," he admitted and a sigh of relief escaped me. "Your Witch, Morrigan, told us about the attack on your farmstead about two or three weeks after the army left. Given the raid prior, it was pretty clear that our family was being targeted. Mother decided that it would be best to go into hiding -- said that the whole plan that the enemy had hinged on the fact that you and our father wouldn't be covering themselves in glory."

That mirrored my own thoughts. If I was a normal man, without the deeds that I had performed, then I would have been disgraced by the destruction of the farm. Possibly ruined by it. It would have been enough for Horrik to break the engagement. Maybe even take the land back because I couldn't protect my property.

"Brandr… he stayed behind," I voiced, earning a nod from Halfdan as he led me to a chair to sit down in. He sat heavily in the one next to me. If it wasn't for the lack of red hair, I would have said that he looked like father in that moment.

"Aye. Abandoning the farm would have been worse than it being destroyed, he said. Would have disgraced us as cowards when Jarl Horrik came back. So, he chose to stay behind. The rest of us fled down to Hedeby since we figured that we might catch the army there, and there were so many people there, it would be easy to blend in. Things were going well -- ended up finding Haldur there and told him what was going on. Ha -- he was green with envy when he heard about you." Halfdan chuckled with a shake of his head.

I wasn't surprised, to be honest. After I gained the farmstead and the betrothal to Jill, Haldur left the family to seek his own fortune. We used to be close, I reflected. But when I started to win the spars against my brothers, Haldur started to drift away. Even before my first raid and all this started, I don't think Haldur and I had held a conversation lasting more than five sentences in years.

"When we returned to Alabu, I was poisoned," I started, answering an unspoken question. How did our father and brothers die? "But before that, we were being targeted. Kirk… he was murdered on the battlefield. His throat slit from behind early into the war," I told him and Halfdan cursed. "But when we returned to Alabu, Thorfinn and Horrik realized that they were out of time. I would soon learn about my farm and Brandr could have told us everything that happened while we were away. I didn't see it myself, but after I collapsed, my warband got me to safety while Father and Havi died confronting Horrik and Thorfinn. They sent the same band that attacked my farm to the family farm, killing Brandr there."

"So it was Horrik," Halfdan muttered, his lips pressed into a thin line.

"I don't know how much of the plan he was actively involved in," I admitted after a moment. "I think, at first, Thorfinn was acting alone. I think he just wanted our farmland, but… I ended up becoming a threat to him. Horrik must have learned about what Thorfinn was doing at some point. Maybe after Kirk's murder because he had been so angry with Thorfinn then. But instead of confessing to what Thorfinn did, he covered it up and sought to put me against King Sigfred."

Halfdan grunted, "It sounds like you hate him more than Thorfinn."

I did. "I trusted Horrik," I admitted. I looked up to him, even. "I didn't trust Thorfinn."

"Aye, makes sense to me. That all lines up with what I know," Halfdan remarked. "After we heard about Alabu, your mother said that she felt Brandr's spirit leave Midgard. We were torn on what to do, but with a civil war on the horizon, we decided that we had to leave Denmark. We decided to head to Norway, where my mother's family was in hopes that we could find kin there. We were lucky and her parents were still alive and they took us in," Halfdan explained and I let the news wash over me.

Norway. What was left of my family was in Norway. "I'm sorry I wasn't there," I told him, regret dripping from my words. "I- there was no trace where you went. I thought that it would be easier for you to find me," I confessed.

"It was," Halfdan admitted, thumping me in the shoulder. "We settled in Norway. Wasn't really easy at the start. We wanted to lay low and avoid any settlements, but that ended up convincing some that we were outlaws. If it wasn't for Mother, we wouldn't have made it," he confessed. Ida, my father's concubine. "We ended up getting taken to Jarl Hoffer Hofferson and luckily enough, he hates Horrik as much as we do."

"Things are going well?" I asked, not sure if I dared to be hopeful.

"Very well," Halfdan admitted, and my stomach clenched.

Halfdan just lied to me.

"Sisters got married. Both of them," Halfdan stated, and that was true. "Helga is obnoxiously in love. I'm glad for the journey here because if I had to hear the words 'my husband' again, I was going to deafen myself. Solveig married the nephew of Jarl Hoffer and their first baby is on the way." My second nephew or niece. "They seem to get on fine enough. He treats her well." That seemed to be true.

I swallowed thickly, "And the others?" I questioned, making Halfdan scratch at his cheek.

"My mother is doing well. Things were awkward with her parents -- my grandparents -- because they didn't care for us one bit at the start. Things are easier now. They're happy that she was happy. Mother had been taken when she was your age. They feared the worst," Halfdan admitted. Was it the circumstances that he lied about? Were things good, just not very good? "They welcomed me into the family. Helga too. Mother is happier than I've ever seen. She never admitted it, but I knew she missed her home. Oh -- and we have some uncles and cousins, by the way." Halfdan added, sending me a smirk.

"And Mother?" I asked, asking for my mother.

"Misses you something fierce," Halfdan reassured. "I think she was the only one that wasn't surprised to hear what you had been getting up to. Haldur is fine too -- he found some work with Jarl Hoffer. He's turned out to be a pretty solid warrior. Favors a dane-axe now that he has the build for it." They were okay. The worry and concern that gripped my heart in an iron vice unclenched, allowing me to breathe a little easier. Mother was okay.

"How did she… is she okay?" I questioned, and I saw that Halfdan understood the question. I wasn't speaking of physical maladies. Our family had lost much. Too much. I used to have near three times as many brothers as I did sisters, and now I have two brothers and two sisters. Mother had lost much.

"... She wasn't," Halfdan confessed after a long minute. "She was grief stricken. We all were, but… she had it the worst. We had to keep an eye on her at all times, Seig, because we were afraid that she'd walk into the forest." My hands curled into fists. "I don't think she said a word since we learned about Alabu. She cried a lot… but, around Yule -- I don't know. She said that you visited her in a dream and all of a sudden, she was back to her old self. Almost."

My breath got caught in my throat. The gods. The gods heard my prayer. "I have to sacrifice something," I breathed. Something that would convey my thanks. Halfdan looked surprised, cocking an eyebrow, and I told him the truth. "I made an offering to the gods during Yule. To tell you all that I am fine and what I planned. The gods must have carried my words to my mother in her dream." That is what I wished for when I threw my carvings into the flame.

Halfdan pursed her lips, "So… you intend to become king of Denmark?" He questioned, proving that my message had been delivered.

"I do," I admitted. "It's everything that Horrik wanted. It's what he's worked for his entire life toward. I want him to have it, Halfdan. That's the only way I can take it from him." I explained, anger leaking into my words as my hands clenched into right fists. "That's why I didn't attack him immediately. Or join with King Godfrey."

"Huh. That's what your mother said," Halfdan seemed surprised, as if he had doubted the message from the gods. "I… I'd rather it be done with and pay the blood back with blood, but… I see it. You've made a name for yourself, little brother. We heard tales of you as far as Norway. I bet Horrik is shitting himself as we speak," Halfdan chuckled.

I hoped so. Let him live in fear of the day that I would come for him.

"Your mother sent me here to deliver a message about it," Halfdan said, catching my attention. "She says that you should do what you think you must and that we will be waiting in Norway making our own preparations for the day you return. Solveig… and Helga… they were married to secure ties in Norway. And, well, I'm to be wed soon enough for the same end." Halfdan told me, surprising me.

"... Congratulations?" I tried, because Halfdan didn't sound particularly happy about it.

"Eh, she's a fine enough woman. Her name is Sevig. I met her once and we seemed to get on well enough," Halfdan shrugged, dismissing his lack of excitement. "Just figured that getting married off was for women. Her clan is a large and wealthy one, so it will bring warriors to our banner."

Mother was making alliances. Part of me had been afraid, I realized. Terrified. Terrified that Halfdan would be here to deliver terrible news about the fate of my family. That they hated me for not finding them. For not striking down Horrik the moment that I could. Instead, they were fine. And they were helping me. Mother was finding allies in Norway that would aid me in my quest to take the crown of Denmark. The relief that I felt was more than words could hope to describe.

I didn't feel alone anymore.

"Haldur is up next," Halfdan continued, missing my relief. "I think he's going to fight it tooth and nail. He already has a girl that he's sweet on, but she's a thrall. Arne is a little too young to be betrothed to anyone, but your mother is already looking for matches. If she wasn't past the age for it, I think she'd be looking for another husband herself."

I didn't even want to think of that. "Arne? Is he well? Asta?" I questioned and that's when Halfdan looked away. I swallowed a lump in my throat. "What happened?"

Halfdan looked like he didn't want to answer. "Arne is fine, but Asta… Asta hated it in Norway. It's a harsh land, brother. I won't lie about that. She was distraught when she learned Brandr died, and she wanted to go back home with her own kin. Asta only agreed to come with us because of Arne. But… I don't know. She got it in her head that because we hadn't seen anyone looking for us, it meant that they weren't looking. She tried to take Arne with her back to Denmark… but… Seig, she knew where we were."

The lump returned. "She's dead?" I asked, not sure what I felt. I liked Asta. She was kind. Far too good for Brandr. And I knew how he loved her.

Halfdan offered a slow nod. "It was an accident," Halfdan confessed, sounding as sad about it as I felt. "She stole Arne in the dead of night and tried to sneak onboard a ship. We had been arguing with her that we couldn't risk her going back, and I guess she felt like she had to sneak away. I-"

"Halfdan," I interrupted, looking at him. "What really happened?" I asked him directly because… because Tell-Spotter triggered. Even if it didn't, I knew my brother. I knew that he couldn't look you in the eyes when he told a lie.

Halfdan started to protest, but he fell silent the moment that he met my gaze. Shame filled his expression as he looked away. "We… killed her," he confessed. My heart went still. "We almost got caught once. In Norway. It was- I-... It was just me and Asta in the forest when they came. It wasn't long after we arrived in Norway. Asta broke her leg from a long fall, and she was almost captured. She thought that they were going to kill her, so… so she gave us up. I killed her before she could," Halfdan confessed, looking away from me and we fell into a long silence.

I decided to not ask what they were doing alone in the forest.

"You did what you had to do to protect the family, Halfdan. It couldn't have been easy, and I'm sorry that you had to do it, but you protected the family." I echoed the words that mother told me when I killed my first me. The words helped me. I saw that they helped Halfdan less.

A sigh escaped him, "I know." Then he looked at me, "Are you alright, little brother? We had each other. You had to go through this alone." There was concern in his voice as he glanced at me, suddenly looking a great deal more tired.

Was I? "I'm fine," I decided, not entirely certain if the words were a lie. "I'll be better when the blood debt is settled," I added, believing that to be true. "Right now, my focus is on the war. As important as vengeance is… King Charlemagne must be stopped."

"Hm. Heard about that," Halfdan said, and from the sound of it, he didn't care for the war. "I wish I could fight with you, Seig. But our family needs me," he said, and I felt a rush of burning shame run through me. "I have to be there because you can't be, Seig. That's not your fault. I trust you and the gods that this is where you're supposed to be." He reassured me, throwing an arm over my shoulder and pulling me close.

If he asked me… I would have gone with him back home.

"I can still help," I decided. I would still help. "When must you return?" I questioned, earning a shrug.

"I'm not on a deadline, but the sooner the better would be true in this case. I trust Haldur to take care of things, but he's restless. And I'm to be married when I return. I don't want to give them too much time to reconsider," Halfdan remarked, trying to lift my spirits.

"I'm going to be fighting in Holland shortly -- it is near the coast. Come with me, and I can provide you with some ships and men. And gold. I have a hoard that I was forced to bury in Francia. I can use the opportunity to dig some of it up and send it with you," I decided. Halfdan just smiled, not surprised by the offer. I… got the impression that he was going to ask and he was glad that he didn't have to. Because… it didn't really make sense, did it?

That Halfdan would come all this way to just deliver news?

"I'll never say no to free gold," Halfdan returned. "And… ah… well, you may… want to pack some away. For a bride price." He wanted me to pay for his bride price? That was… a little shameful, to be honest, but I was happy to do it. Haldur's too. Or the dowries for my sister's, if I still could. "Your bride price."

I blinked, "I'm getting married?" I questioned, caught a little flat footed.

"It was mentioned just before I set sail. Enough stories have reached us to make it clear you're a great warrior. When the rest of the tales make their way to Norway, I imagine that Jarl Hoffer will be willing to pay you to marry his daughter." Halfdan explained, rubbing his neck. "Your mother has been angling for it. Jarl Hoffer is a well respected Jarl in Norway, just far to the north." I would need to speak to Thorkell since he knew Norway far better than I did."

"Do you know her name?" I asked him, mulling over the idea. I…

"Astrid. Astrid Hoffersdotter," Halfdan answered.

I took in a breath, and let it out. I was currently unwed and at fourteen, I needed to start looking for a match. Well, I would be back on the farm. No one wanted to be in their twenties and not married. I didn't really know how I felt about the idea of being promised to someone that I had never met, but… my feelings didn't really play any part of it.

I nodded. "If Mother thinks it best," I decided.

I couldn't be there for them but no matter what, I would protect my family.