Power Corrupts: Balance (ch. 62) (Patreon)

Balance was a difficult thing to achieve, I thought as I sat at the peak of the Throat of the World. It was simple to imagine -- someone walking across a tightrope, or a pen balanced on an edge. Or a small bubble being at the center of a leveler. Balance was a very simple thing to find but achieving it was far more difficult. After all, what did it mean to be balanced?

In an internal way, finding balance was more difficult. There were synonyms for it -- being at peace, or being in control. Neither were really being balanced, though. Finding inner peace was finding inner peace, accepting the things that come and go. Having control over yourself was keeping impulses and desires in check with willpower. Balance, going by the definition, would be finding a balance of control and uncontrollable. Only that was a paradox, this couldn't be it.

The word Ro was far more difficult to learn than Fus. Paarthumax had been right on that account -- being a force of nature, embodying the idea of being completely unstoppable… it fits my personality well. More often than not, I handled situations with brute force. In situations I couldn't, I kicked the can down to someone who could deal with them. As seen with the Moot. Balance, in the end, was something that I struggled to understand in the first place, much less internalize.

And, it was with Paarthumax that I learned that meditation was just a fancy word for thinking. I sat at the throat of the world and I thought about a word and how I could make sense of it. Today was Ro. More often than not, I thought about Zuul. Or, the word mortal.

I had more progress with it. In the end, there were few that understood mortality better than I could. How fragile it was. One wrong move and you were gone. Sometimes you lucked out and end up with incredible power and a literal divine blessing. If you weren't, you went somewhere boring like heaven or got reincarnated as a sea slug. The reason the word of power worked on dragons was because they were on the opposite end of the spectrum. Even when they were killed, they didn't die. They were timeless and immortal.

A month and a half in, and I had one word learned with another on its way. Each piece of understanding the nature of reality was represented as a point. Twenty-five seemed to be the bare minimum for success. Fifty, I'm guessing, would let me unlock the second word to the phrase with seventy-five unlocking the final word. I had no clue what a hundred would give me, but at the rate I was going, it would be some time before I learned.

"Perhaps you are thinking of balance wrong," Paarthumax advised after hours of silence. "Achieving it is difficult, this is true. Distrusting balance is far simpler. Too much weight on one side or the other, and balance is lost." I didn't bother opening my eyes in favor of taking in a deep breath and thinking about it.

As he said, losing your balance was a far easier task than maintaining it. I thought to all of the times I walked on the sidewalk ledge, keeping myself from stepping into the street. It was easy enough if I could focus. If I was talking with friends, then it was far more difficult. Losing your balance emotionally would be an outburst of emotion like anger or sadness. So, if I could understand what it was to lose your balance then I could learn what it was like to have it.

I earned a point for the bit of understanding. Or for understanding what I didn't understand. Or for figuring out how to learn what I didn't understand. I wasn't sure, to be honest.

"Thanks," I said after a moment as I settled into my chosen spot in front of the word wall. A month and a half later, and winter had hit this place like a brick to the face. Feet of snow added onto the mountain’s height, and it came down so thick there were times I could barely see Paarthmax despite the fact he was laying down not far away. Though, that could just be because he seemed to like getting buried in snow.

I didn’t. Which was why I wore thick as hell clothing that I enchanted myself with the souls of some petty animals. Clothing was a poor medium for enchanting, but there were shortcuts like enchanting the buttons of a shirt or weaving metal wire into the clothing. It wasn’t comfortable, but neither was freezing to death. It would be a stretch to say that I was nice and toasty because of my clothing, but there was a very noticeable difference between the times I was here without them, and now that I did.

“Thank me by deepening your own understanding,” Paarthumax responded. At first, it had been a little grating how he spoke like a fortune cookie no matter what he said. In the past weeks, I either reached a level of enlightenment that I could see the wisdom in the words, or I just got used to it. Given that I didn’t feel particularly enlightened, I’m guessing that it was the latter.

Taking in a deep breath, I brushed off some snow before settling back in and focusing on the word balance and all the varieties it came in. Didn’t really manage anything, so it wasn’t a bother when I felt the ground beneath me begin to quake. My eyes snapped open and I heard Paarthumax let out a breath as he stood up, shaking off at least a ton of snow off of him with the action.

“It would seem that your presence had finally been noticed,” Paarthumax noted as I felt the wind stir in an unnatural way. I looked in the same direction that he did, wondering if I was finally going to meet a Greybeard.

I stood up, shaking off snow as well, “It’s about time,” I remarked. I had been coming here just about every night for a month and a half now. For a while, I figured that they had known about me and were just letting me do my thing, but when I tried to descend awhile ago to have a conversation with the Graybeards about the incoming apocalypse, I stood at the gate for a few hours, doing everything but shouting the gates down.

Then I realized they had absolutely no clue that I was here.

“I wonder what tipped them off,” I wondered, straightening out my appearance. As I did so, I heard a Shout ring out. The air went still, like a snowstorm was a light that could be flicked on and off. The clouds remained overhead, but the snow lessened until it trickled to a complete stop. It was an awe-inspiring display of power, more so than anything I had ever seen before. Imagine saying a few words and making a storm vanish.

With my vision not being whited out, I could see a figure approaching from the castle. He was dressed in a gray robe, snow clinging to the hem of the robe. His head was down, but I did see a long gray beard hang from his face, so the name just wasn't for show. His approach was slow, slow enough that I nearly started walking to meet him in the middle. Right when I was about to, he looked up, facing Paarthumax. "Grandmaster, please forgive the intrusion."

His voice echoed with the same power that Talos had. Where even though he spoke in a low whisper, I heard him as clearly as I would if he had been screaming into a megaphone. "We uttered Aura Whisper and learned of an intruder," he said, casting a look at me.

"Not an intruder. Student," I correct and I was lucky that the Thu'um didn't apply to glared because if it had, then there wouldn't be anything left of me. Paarthumax noted the glare as well and let out a huff before he settled back down on the ground, wedged between a mountain of snow.

"The Outsider speaks the truth. He climbed the Throat of the World to learn," Paarthumax spoke up for me, making the Graybeard break off his glare. Given that he was able to speak normal words, I'm guessing that he was Arngeir, the de facto leader of the Graybeards since Paarthumax rarely interacted with them.

I should let him handle things, but after a month and a half, my patience had dried up. "And to ask for help of the Graybeards," I added, making Arngeir look at me.

"Our order never has, nor will it ever, interfere in political disputes," Arngeir cut me off before I could begin. I'm guessing that he got about as many letters requesting aid in the brewing Civil War as Heatia did.

"I'm not asking you to. I'm asking you to help me save the world," I quickly interjected before he could control the conversation and shut down any request for help. Like he had in the game.

Thankfully, Paarthumax spoke up, "The time of my brother's return draws near. As does the final judgment by my father." Instead of dismissing the issues as he had in canon, a faint look of alarm passed over Arngeir's face. I guess it was because it came from the horse's mouth, so to speak. "The Outsider wishes for this world to continue, regardless of what any of the gods wish."

Arngeir couldn't look more scandalized when he looked at me. It was easy to forget that the Graybeards were technically a religious order. They learned the ways of the Thu'um to appease the gods after their founder got punished for using it for military exploits. "What do the gods say of this?"

"You can go ask them yourself, you know," I pointed out. "Sheogorath seems to all for kicking Alduin's ass, though." The others… I didn't know. Mostly because I was afraid to ask. I didn't know what I would do if half the gods decided to write off the world. Defying the gods was easy. Defying them and winning was more complicated.

"The Prince of Madness backing you does you no credit," Arngeir pointed out. And fair enough.

Paarthumax drew attention to himself by letting out a humm that seemed to shake the mountain underfoot. "The gods are silent for it is not their decision to make. It belongs to my father and he alone." That… was kinda a worrying thought. Arngeir spared me a look, his eyes narrowed into slits.

"You would dare to go against the will of Akatosh, the mightiest of the Aedra?" He questioned, sounding like that answer should be obvious. And that pissed me off.

"Fuck yeah I would. And I am," I added, uncaring of his glare. "Deciding that everyone is better off dead… God or not, I couldn't care less. I'm not going to let something like that happen. Alduin is going down. Akathosh's will or not." I shouldn't have said that. Oh, I should not have said that. I knew it the moment the words left my mouth but I couldn't stop them. It was just…

The gods were assholes. Some more so than others, but I wouldn't trust their decisions running a lemonade stand. And I'm just supposed to trust that Akatosh knew best when it came to wiping the slate clean? Killing every person on the planet and starting over? Hell no. Hell to the fuck no.

"Blasphemy and unparalleled arrogance," Arngeir said and I got the distinct impression that he didn't like me very much.

"Probably," I could admit that much. "But 'because the gods said so' isn't a good enough of a reason for me. I've met most of them. They're idiots. And I mean that. I wouldn't trust them with a goldfish, much less the fate of Nirn. If you met any of them, you'd probably change your tune. Like when Dibella hosted a massive orgy with Sanguine that nearly got the city wiped off the map."

God wills it. Back in my old life, that had just been a justification for people to do whatever the hell they wanted by saying God was on their side. Here, that phrase was a little more literal. Arngeir would let the world end if that's what the gods wanted. Wouldn't lift a finger even if Alduin was dying at his feet.

"The gods make shit decisions all the time. I know that better than most because I've spent months cleaning after them." Like having tribes of orcs raping a burning through the countryside. Or turning an entire city on its head because you didn't want to back down. "You want to know something? Sheogorath had been the best god I've encountered. She's the only one that hasn't managed to get a lot of people killed for her own amusement."

Arngeir looked like he didn't know what to say, but not in a good way. Not the way that I've made an irrefutable point that completely killed his argument and convinced him that I was undeniably correct. It was more that he had so many things he wanted to say but couldn't decide which to start with. A very dangerous thing for a man that could kill with his words.

"Outsider… center yourself," Paarthumax chided, giving me a sideways look. "Temper your will."

Shit. I forced myself to take in a deep breath as I unclenched my hands that I had unknowingly balled into fists. It was… Ulfric had been right, as falling as it was. The Thu'um was dangerous not just because of the power that it offered, but how it changed the one who used it. I understood the word Force on a cosmic level now. I embodied it. And I was running into the same pitfall that Ulfric fell into, only with far less patience and grace.

How was anything I just said supposed to convince him to help me? The guy was a literal hermit that devoted his life to the gods. The gods being assholes was my opinion. He wasn’t going to suddenly revise his because I told him to.

“Sorry,” I said after a long moment, opening my eyes to see that Arngeir was staring at me with a curious expression.

“You… have learned to use the Thu’um?” He questioned before he spared a glance at Paarthurnax. “How long has this arrangement been going on?” He wondered, sounding like the question wasn’t aimed at anyone in particular.

“I learned the word Fus in about a day, but I’ve been stuck on Ro for a month and a half, though,” I offered, keeping my voice subdued.  Arngeir seemed surprised, but I’m guessing it was at how fast I learned rather than the words themselves. It was… when you felt like you were unstoppable, then using brute force seemed like the go-to option. And it felt like if there was ever a chance to convince him that he should help me take down Alduin, then I just blew it.

Arngeir paused for a moment, “You are not Dovahkiin,” he muttered more to himself than to me. I guess he figured that because it took me longer than nearly instantly to learn Shouts. But I also learned at a way faster rate than normal.

"I'm not," I confirmed. It might help convince him if I was, but I wasn't and there wasn't anything that I could do about it. I spared a glance at Paarthumax, "But I'll hopefully find them soon?" I questioned the large dragon. Azura confirmed that the message to gather at the Moot had been sent but I hadn't heard anything about the Dragonborn yet.

Paarthumax spared me a look, "You shall meet when my father decides," he informed. That wasn't what I wanted to hear, but I didn't expect anything else at this point. What I was hearing, though, is that I would be meeting the Dragonborn at some point. So, all I could do for now was nod in acceptance.

Arngeir frowned at me before he offered a small nod. "Before you seek anything, you must learn to control yourself. The influence of the Thu'um is not something so easily dismissed. If you continue down this path… you might not recognize yourself by its end." He warned, his tune changing ever so slightly when I wasn't being confrontational. Or it was the fact that Akatosh was willing to do me a favor.

A sigh escaped me as I offered a shrug, "I've always been headstrong. The Thu'um just made it worse… but I don't have any time to shift gears. Alduin is coming. And when he shows up, it's the start of the end. I meant what I said -- that wasn't a lie. I don't care what the gods decide. I'm not going to let the world end even if something better replaces this world. I'd rather make this world better than wiping the slate clean." Arngeir met my gaze for a moment before he shook his head.

"It is not your decision," He rebuked lightly, a far cry from calling me arrogant and a blasphemer.

"It's not. But I don't think that decision should be made by anyone. It's something that everyone should have a voice in," I returned.

Arngeir didn't respond for a moment, "I shall meditate on your request. I would suggest that you do the same," he offered before he bowed deeply to Paarthumax. That was probably the most that I could expect from him now.

I blew my shot at convincing him, but that didn't mean I couldn't warm him up to the idea. Or find ways to convince him. I watched his back retreat for a moment as he headed back to the castle, an idea forming in the back of my mind. A longshot, but it was just crazy enough that it might work.

Turning to Paarthumax, I asked, "Do you have any idea where Kayne happens to be at the moment?"

Paarthumax let out what could only be a snort of amusement, "Wherever the power of nature is at its strongest. The Graybeards wished that it would be here, but even here is too… civilized for her."

Huh. Then I think I know just the place.

After all, if I couldn't convince them, then who better to change their minds than their patron goddess?

…

"So, it'll be another month before I can travel, huh?" I muttered to myself, consulting the library of the College of Winterhold. A book on the recorded winters of Skyrim. As a rule of thumb, winter lasted longer in Skyrim -- around four months to everywhere else's three. And, as far north as I was, there was a possibility of being snowed in for half a year in a few cases in history. Honestly, I wasn't sure why anyone bothered to live here. This place sucked.

That wouldn't work. Too much to do. Not only did I have to prepare for the Moot, but there were things I needed to get done beforehand. I had to find Kayne and take her to the Graybeards to convince them to help me. I had to enlist mages to help me. I had to master words of power and make better progress with my enchanting. I had a damn laundry list of shit that needed to be done. Some of which I could settle at the Moot when the king gave the order for everyone to get their shit in order, but I needed to get their first and remove any obstacle that could, in theory, get in their way.

It barely felt like it, but I had spent near three months in Skyrim. Three of the six I gave myself before Alduin's return. No matter how I looked at it, I wasn't ready to take him down. Not even close.

"Is Mr. Jericho planning on leaving?" Lili questioned, peering down at the book on the table. I had been too lost in my thoughts to even notice that she entered my… 'room.' calling it a room was a bit much considering I hadn't slept here and the lack of a door. It was simple -- a way too small bed, a dresser, a chest, and a chair and table, both too small for me to work with. Which was why I sat in the bed to read.

I shook my head, "Not yet," I reassured her. "But I'm going to have to leave in a couple of weeks. Around two or three," I gave a goal. I had to be out of here by then and back on the road.

Lili nodded, "Lili thought as much. Lili is going to miss this place, but Lili is prepared to learn on the road!" Lili reassured me, pudding out her chest as she set the book down.

I set mine down to the side as well, "You can stay here if you want-" I started to make the offer. In the end, Lili didn't have a cheat ability to help her cut corners on the learning process. Magic was something that took a lifetime to master. Lili had only a few months -- she was the apple of several teachers’ eyes, and she had talent, but a few months wasn't enough to make that talent flourish.

However, Lili had already made up her mind. "No, Lili will leave with Mr. Jericho," Lili insisted, almost daring me to contradict her. Her golden-brown eyes were fierce and her face was set in a determined expression. "Lili has learned a bunch already! And Lili…" Lili trailed off.

"Lili doesn’t want to be dead weight anymore," Lili said, shaking her head when I opened my mouth to reassure her. "Lili is really thankful, Mr. Jericho. Mr. Jericho saves Lili from the Soma familia… then he helped Lili wake up from her coma. But after that, Lili wasn't able to help Mr. Jericho at all. Lili had to stay behind with Lady Hestia, which was fine, but when we fought the Deathlords and Dragon Priest… Lili saw how useless she would be."

I wanted to say something, but I kept my mouth shut. Lili seemed to have some things that she wanted to get off her chest. After she did, then I would tell her she was being an idiot. Lili seemed thankful for it.

"So, Lili came to the College with Mr. Vilkas to find ways to repay Mr. Jericho. Lili learned a lot and Lili found ways to learn on the road. So… please, let Lili look after Mr. Jericho this time?" She requested, going so far as to bow her head, and I… I kinda felt like shit. I had no clue that the entire situation was weighing so heavily on her. I should have though. It was obvious in hindsight.

Almost as soon as Lili had woken up from her coma in Skyrim, I was off on quests. In the end, there was no way around it because the familia just wasn't big enough. But, when I imagined myself in her shoes, that excuse didn't hold up very well.

So, I offered a smile and nodded, "Alright. If that's what you want, Lili." There wasn't anything else that I could say. Even still, Lili seemed to light up, almost as if I would insist that she stay here. "It'll be cold though, so it might help to learn a fire spell or two. I'm Enchanting clothing when I get a chance too." If I was taking Lili, then I would probably take Vilkas as well. Meaning I had to outfit the wagon too.

Lili nodded, "Lili figured as much. She had a spellbook for it," Lili said as she walked to the wall where she had her backpack leaned against with a tower of books on it. However, the moment that she undid the straps, the tower began to collapse. Too many books of various sizes and thickness for anything else to happen.

I let out a small chuckle as I rose to my feet and took a step, practically crossing the room’s length because of it, and reached down to help her pick up books. As before, I saw the books had both the Restoration and the Illusion symbol on them. Histories, studies, and spells. Everything that you needed to know to learn. However, when I handed to book to Lili, I saw a cover that was conspicuously blank.

Lili lunged for it, but I was faster by default without really trying to beat her to it. "Mr. Jericho!" Lili half-shouted when I flipped the book over to see the cover. It was an Alteration school book detailing spells -- some of which I had heard about.

Lili looked up at me with wide eyes and flushed cheeks, and that told me all that I needed to know.

There were plenty of useful spells in there for a woman but Lili had her eyes set in one in particular.

And I couldn't say that I wasn't interested.