Patreon Newsletter #3 (Patreon)

Hola Do Go Patreon'ers,

Happy Sunday to you, I hope you've had a bloody good week. Dave here writing this feeling very tired. Not because I'm a big fat party animal, quite the contrary - I went to bed quite early on my Saturday (party) but because of a two hour nap (party party) that I had yesterday afternoon I was lying awake until the wee hours of the morning. This is legitimately the only bad thing that could ever come from a nap.

Whenever I experience insomnia it always goes the same way. I start out being like “it’s all good, any rest is good rest” but then as the minutes turn to hours I progressively start to panic that what if I never sleep again? Like that X-Files episode where soldiers weren’t allowed to sleep* and then they lost their minds.

It’s the same with hiccups. I always start to panic that what if they never go away and I’m hiccupping forever. Every. Single. Time. They really should have made an X-File out of that.

Whilst I was experiencing this lack of sleep I jumped on Netflix and came across a documentary called “Finders Keepers.” And wow oh wow was it amazing. I planned to just watch the first bit after which I thought I’d try sleeping again but once I started I had to finish it.

Basically the premise is a man buys a BBQ grill from an abandoned lock up and inside he finds a mummified human leg. The man whose leg it is (he lost it in a plane crash, well not lost – like it wasn’t lost in the wreckage, he had it amputated and then afterwards they let him keep it) comes forward and claims it but the dude who bought it has since become famous for finding it and doesn’t want to give it back. Crazy. Do yourself a Molly Meldrum** and watch it if you can.

This week I got Jess and Matt to contribute a ‘coloumn’ each to the newsletter so you’ll hear from them below. Hopefully we'll all write a little something each week.
 

MATT STEWART’S TOP FIVE

Dave wanted me to write a couple of paragraphs for the newsletter this week. He said it could be about anything. About ANYTHING! That's a pretty wide brief... my first instinct was to fuck with him and talk about the history of the Hitler Youth, but as I started googling, it was bringing me down... and the hangover I'm experiencing means that I was already starting from a low point.

So instead, I thought I'd go with something more cheerful... I had to pick my favourite song by an all female band recently, it was a hard choice... but here was my top five... I'd be curious to hear if anyone thinks anyone was stiff to miss out!
 

 5. Savages - Husbands

4. Sleater-Kinney - Price Tag

3. The Bangles - In Your Room

2. The Go Gos - We Got the Beat

1. The Donnas - Fall Behind Me

 I might do a different top five every week. Let me know if you have a topic you want me to count down... cheers, Matt.

 THE TURN WITH JESS PERKINS

Friends, listeners, lovers, fellow humans. I fear my first newsletter column may also be my last. For I, Jessica Anne Perkins, having made it to 26 six years of age and 170cm in height, fear the end is near. For I have…. a cold.

Like, a bad one. I keep coughing, and not just an annoying ‘tickle in the throat’ type of cough. This has progressed to coughing up chunks of what I can only assume is my lungs. My whole body is aching, I’m tired and sulky and will complain to anyone who will listen.

Today I went to a body piercing shop and a nice lady was putting hoop earrings in the top of my ear (it’s called a helix piercing. Yeah, I’m pretty edgy and cool) And the earring wouldn't go in properly and there was blood and pain and I went white and hot and had to lie down because I was going to faint. And the nice lady was very worried and I had to explain that I’m sick and hadn’t eaten and the near-fainting wasn't her fault. So now I can’t go back there because I think I’ve traumatised her.

So guys, by the time you read this, I’ll probably already be gone. If I may pass on some words of wisdom - Never put a wet spoon in a sugar bowl. (Mum always said, I still don’t really know what it means)

Love Jess (1990-2016ish)

 EPISODE TOPIC ANNOUNCEMENT

This is your warning that I am about to disclose this week’s episode topic. So skip the next paragraphs in bold if you can’t handle to truth.



… This week Jess reports on The Pink Panther Robberies. An organised syndicate responsible for billions of dollars of diamond, jewel*** and gold theft around the world. Like all our crime based episodes we start backing the criminals and hoping they win. They have some awesome stories of stuff they do to pull of their daring heists.

Jess also had a bad cough set off every time she laughs… SO PREPARE FOR LOTS OF COUGHING!

 

BONUS PATREON EPISODE

We also recorded our first bonus episode that only $10+ patreoners will be able to download this coming Friday or Saturday. It’s a mystery episode that I’ve wanted to report on for ages and although it’s mini compared to our other episodes it still goes for 40+ minutes. Matt also embarrasses me by reading out some comments on one of my old YouTube videos. It was a lot of fun. Right now only a select few will be hearing it, so it really is a very exclusive episode.

And thus concludes this week’s newsletter. I do enjoy how we all complained about how we were feeling very tired… Jess being sick, me having a nap that backfired and Matt being hungover (of course).

As always thanks for your support.

DO GO (PATRE) ON!

*The X-File was conveniently called Sleepless and featured that guy from The Rock, he says the line "You know how this shit works?" whilst brandishing a knife. Quality. 

**Molly Meldrum is an Australian music reviewer and interviewer famous for using the phrase “Do yourself a favour” and in the upcoming episode I mention that I’m trying to make the phrase “Do yourself a Molly Meldrum” a thing. Please feel free to use it.

*** Not the singer Jewel, imagine if there was a group devoted to plundering Jewel’s back catalogue. “These hands they are my own and they’re not yours they are my own” OK JEWEL WE GET IT! YOU OWN YOUR OWN HANDS! MOST OF US BLOODY DO!