Journal 2.22.2017 (Patreon)

If someone is trying to constantly tell you what to do, sending you message after message after message and then implying that you should feel guilt after not responding (even if you are working and cannot answer), then they are probably not looking for a healthy relationship. 

If someone tries to take up all of your time and attention, to the detriment of your other relationships, they are obsessive and emotionally manipulative.

If you tell someone what your boundaries are in terms of an adult, consensual, sexual relationship, and they respond by constantly pushing your boundaries, making sexual demands, and attempting to tell you what you should like and try while maintaining you must be a prudish, boring person if you don't comply, they are probably looking to control and manipulate you rather than have a healthy relationship. 

If someone tries to tell you who you should have sex with, or to find you sexual partners you aren't interested in while maintaining you should have sex with those people, you should ignore them more than you've been doing so already. If someone tries to draw unwitting, unconsenting people into sexual conversations or talk in a demeaning way about people, they are not a good human.

If you really don't want to do something that you aren't comfortable doing sexually, you aren't obligated to do it just because they pretend to need it.

If you discover you are physically worn out simply seeing a text message or email from someone who has exhibited signs of controlling behavior, just end the relationship.

If someone tells you who they are, and what they are saying is not good, believe them. It's probably true.

I said I'd write something a bit more personal a while ago, and this is something I've always struggled with. Even though I might deny it, I try to make people happy even at my own detriment at times, and I realized recently, even though I've gotten a bit better at monitoring my own needs too, I still fall into the trap of being easily manipulated and feeling trapped within intimate relationships with men. I haven't yet figured out how to navigate certain types of stressful situations and tend to hide more than anything else, only dealing with the problems when cornered. So much time has been wasted like this, and it is such a pathetic feeling...I could have been painting, making art, writing, reading. Instead I was curled up trying to sleep to hide from issues. From mean messages on a phone screen. From someone trying to manipulate me for sexual acts I'm afraid of doing and uncomfortable with. 

When I was in Nebraska this past week, I had a few experiences that highlighted this issue for me, and it was part of the reason I suffered creatively. I laid in bed just completely exhausted. Emotional and mental exhaustion has, for me, always been far worse than physical exhaustion...I accomplish nothing at these times, and it takes some outside motivation to get me back on track to even making a pot of coffee in the morning. I realized I need to be better at voicing my concerns, my dicomfort with certain situations, how upset I feel when someone violates my boundaries and shows little remorse for it, when someone touches me without asking when they should know better. 

I worked with another female photographer  in the area while there, and it felt like such a relief for me...she brought me coffee, and we spent my last day in Omaha creating art together and talking. It was nice to have those moments on this most recent trip, which, for me, was not one of my favorite traveling experiences. And in the past day, I've had the amazing opportunity to meet and create with Kyotocat (who told me she's looking to launch a patreon soon too) as well as shoot a couple of self portrait sets - one of which has been uploaded. I've been resting, talking with friends, and cuddling with my bebes. I'll be shooting a bit more frequently up until I leave for NYC on March 3, which I'm incredibly excited for. It's one of my favorite places to work. 

Sorry for being a bit missing for the last week. My emotions were a bit all over the place, and I tend to be pretty reserved and quiet when that happens.