Journal. February 26, 2017 (Patreon)

I'm currently booking Chicago. I'm currently wondering why I am going to Chicago. I'm currently regretting that I decided to go to Chicago. Again. After a weird, emotionally draining experience last May.

For me, this journal entry will be an overshare...I'm very bad at oversharing, and it can often begin to sound like a police report in terms of the writing style as I try to emotionally distance myself from the things I'm writing down. I apologize in advance if it begins to sound that way.

Last May, the day after my birthday, I went to Chicago. My birthday last year was not the most fun birthday...I was dating a guy whose idea of a birthday was to send a text that said "Happy Birthday!" followed by a few emojis. This was after we'd just celebrated his birthday in a very nice way. I've always though that you reciprocate the way you're treated in a relationship, but apparently he did not agree at all. I probably should have broken up with him, on my birthday, and it would have been the best birthday present I could have possibly given myself. But I didn't. Instead I packed a suitcase to go to Chicago the next morning at 6am.

And I ended up staying with one of the most emotionally exhausting humans I have ever met in my entire life for five days while there. He showed me his gun collection, proceeded to tell me he was undoubtedly the best shot I'd ever met, told me all about "lesbian bed death" (which is because women do not enjoy sex and only do it for me, so when there is a man lacking, they cease to do sexual things at all...clearly not true, but fine), insisted on going out to eat unhealthy food every day (to the extent that I felt physically ill), at some point yelled at his partner in a restaurant over something that didn't matter, among many other things. It was exhausting. I cried in the airport.

I also had a shoot with a man who kept touching my body hair, grabbed me at one point and held me in a super tight hug and wouldn't let go, and thoroughly creeped me out. 

This time, fortunately the weird, hair-obsessed guy did not email me...yet. The other did, and told me he wouldn't pay me but wants to go out to dinner. I declined.

I just got through doing a thing I absolutely hate doing because I feel like I must be annoying everyone...cold calling. Cold calling in this community is when models message photographers with their travel notice of when they will be in their area, what their rates are, etc. I always feel bad sending these out. I went through almost twenty pages of photographers, reading bio statements, and searching portfolios. I don't know what it is in Chicago, but there's something wrong there. In general, Midwest cities are a strange thing. There is always an overwhelming amount of bondage, fetish, and erotic work present, and it generally does not pay well. Sometimes, they actually claim to not pay at all! 

So, essentially, I just spent upwards of 3 hours searching for decent photographers to work with, sending personalized emails out, and feeling overwhelmed by hyper-sexualized, badly done images. The people I emailed don't fall into that category of course...but finding them was difficult. 

These are the sorts of things that make me envy the models I know who mostly stay put in one place modeling for art classes rather than traveling around and constantly trying to wade through a mess of overtly fetishistic content while consistently setting boundaries. 

Also, now I'm reading this, and it makes me think of my dad asking me if I'd "like some cheese with that wine?" when I was little and didn't even really comprehend what wine was and why cheese went with it.