Self Reflection 5.2017 (Patreon)

Yes, that is a thumb smudge on the instax. I'm a bit worn out from traveling, so haven't cleaned them up. I have thumb prints on almost all of mine also. Which is a bit strange...all in the same spot too. It was taken by Diana Schenkel.

In any case, to get on with it, I've decided to write a list of things I've realized about myself within the past couple of months (both good and bad) as a record to myself to refer back to. 

Feel free to ignore as this is mostly for my record keeping and will probably get on your nerves. Note: this is not a pity party I'm throwing for myself, and it's just a basic jotted list of notes essentially.

-I am overly sensitive. My whole demeanor and mood can change by one person walking in a room, a change in someone else's mood I'm spending time with, or just with the energy of a place or the people around me. But, I've also noticed it takes longer to bounce back...all of a sudden everyone will seem happy again, but I'm still feeling horrible for the rest of the day. For no apparent reason.

-Someone recently told me I have no hobbies - the ones I have do not count as they are solitary activities. I do not have any hobbies that revolve around social events or meetings. I suppose I need some. Except I really don't like crowded or loud places. And being at social events fills me with anxiety and makes me want to vomit. But this leads me to the next point...

-By not having lots of social hobbies, I am isolating myself. This could be true. 

-I am a walking contradiction and change my mind about things constantly. This is partly because I'm neurotic and prone to changing my mind after thinking about things a lot. But it's difficult to be a consistent person when this is the case. Once I have a viewpoint, I'm very consistent. But, it's possible I'll change the viewpoint next week. And then I'll be consistent about the new one. Until I change it. 

-I want completely different lives, and I want all of my options and don't know how to choose. And these options conflict with each other. I imagine I could like doing plenty of things or living in different places, or being with different people, but I can't have all of those things. And I don't actually want them all at the same time anyway. And most of them aren't even good options to begin with. 

-I've realized I can no longer go out alone to a social place - restaurants, movie theaters, shopping malls, etc - without almost breaking down in tears and I don't know why, and there isn't a good reason for it. And I think this might be a very bad sign. Traveling alone, eating alone, working with someone one-on-one is fine and enjoyable. But being out-of-place in a settings where people are being social feels too alone.

-Both of my parents want grandchildren and I'm starting to feel like a failure. I'm happy I no longer live in the Midwest. 

-My intuition has improved over the last year and this is good and bad. It's good for the obvious reasons, but it's bad because a bad intuitive feeling completely ruins my day and makes me feel physically ill for the entirety of the day. Weeks, and even months, later I still remember specific instances. Especially in regards to people. It's also irritating as it feels rude and judgmental, but it's instantaneous and can't be helped in most cases.

-I am incredibly cynical in regards to certain relationships and potential relationships. I actively try to hide my cynicism so I don't scare people away, but I'm afraid I'm getting worse at hiding it.