Selfportraits (Patreon)

Part1 

Analyzing my last self-portrait shoot:

I was sad, I was a little scared, I didn’t want to smile, and I even thought at the very beginning to stop this filming and not suffer. But then I remembered my "ideology" - to be myself, to be in the moment, not to be afraid to expose my feelings. If I am not shy to show my naked body, why am I so afraid to show my feelings and experiences?

Each shooting of self-portraits is my "insight" my meditation. In this shoot, I reflected on my childhood. I realized that I was afraid of being weak.

I am always positive, I support everyone, I joke - I never have a bad mood. But in fact, I always hide it. I was afraid to be vulnerable, I was afraid to show my fears, I was afraid to show my weakness. Even now, when everything collapsed in my life - I left my beloved home with a half-empty suitcase for no one knows where - I do not allow myself to cry in front of someone. I swallow my "lumps" in my throat so that no one thinks I'm weak. Although, in fact, there is nothing wrong with that. Crying is normal, being sad is normal - this is not a sign of weakness at all.

Weak people are those who are afraid to make their own decisions and shift their responsibility to others. People who do not have their own opinions... But in my head, why since childhood, "if you cry, then you show your weakness." And I can't cope with it in any way, even when I understand with my brains that this installation is not correct and absurd.

P.S. and while I'm alone in the room - I'll go cry while no one sees) (just kidding - I'm not crying now, I cried yesterday :) and that's normal)

And lately, I’ve been afraid to hug someone for a very long time - because I know for sure that I won’t be able to hold back my tears.